A controlling friendship?

[Tee11]

I’ve been friends with this guy for years. Our friendship has had ups and downs. I feel like he only likes the friendship because he can control it and me. Everything is on his terms when we text, how long we text, when we talk on the phone, how long we talk on the phone, etc. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a secret side relationship with him because that’s exactly how he makes me feel. There were times where I wanted to end the friendship and he wouldn’t let me. He said we’re friends whether I want to be or not. That we’re friends for better or worse. Like what does that even mean. I don’t know if I’m in a friendship, relationship, or situationship because one day I could feel like we’re friends then the next he acts like I’m his girlfriend. It’s completely draining. I need to know what kind of situation I’m in and how do I proceed?

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Tee11 said:

I need to know what kind of situation I’m in and how do I proceed?

From what you wrote in your opening post why would you want to proceed with this guy?  It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship because you give him all of your power.  It's not that he likes the friendship because he can control you, when you text, how long you talk, or he won't let you end the friendship.  It's that you willingly give in to anything he seems to require from you.  Why don't you stand up for yourself or just end the friendship.  Stop letting him tell you what to do.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Tee11 said:

. I don’t know if I’m in a friendship, relationship, or situationship because one day I could feel like we’re friends then the next he acts like I’m his girlfriend. 

Is this a romantic situation? 

This is completely in your control. Only interact when you want and how you want. He has no hold over you unless you let him because you're hoping for more.

[Tee11]

No, we’re friends. He’s married. 

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, Tee11 said:

No, we’re friends. He’s married. 

What does his wife say about the way he treats you?  Does she defend you?

[Tee11]

I don’t know his wife. Never met her.

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Tee11 said:

 He’s married. 

Ok, then  all l you need to do is delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. There's no reason to be friends or anything else with him.

Focus on the quality of your life and your own happiness and what you want for your life. You owe him nothing. Don't buy into his possessive controlling behavior and mistake it for attention or caring.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting honest  available single men. 

Edited April 13, 2023 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Tee11 said:

I don’t know his wife. Never met her.

Oh then what you two are doing is inappropriate.  Why haven't you met her?

 

6 hours ago, Tee11 said:

Sometimes I feel like I’m in a secret side relationship with him because that’s exactly how he makes me feel.

This is exact;ly what you are.  Is that okay with you?

[ShyViolet]

9 hours ago, Tee11 said:

 There were times where I wanted to end the friendship and he wouldn’t let me. He said we’re friends whether I want to be or not. 

You need to grow a backbone and block the guy.  There is no such thing as wanting to end the friendship but the other person won't let you.  You do not need the other person's consent to end a friendship.  You simply end it and cut off contact.  You are allowing this guy to control you and emotionally abuse you.  There's no reason for you to allow this.  You are in control of your own life and your decisions, not him.  Take out a restraining order if it comes to that.

[NuevoYorko]

????  Block.  Fait accompli.  

[Lotsgoingon]

You can say no. He cannot control you. 

The only time we can say someone is controlling us is if they had kidnapped us and pointed a gun at us. 

Absent that, you haven't learned how to say no. You haven't learned to say, "I don't want to talk to you." You haven't learned to block him. You haven't learned to abrupt interrupt him when he's going on and on about himself. But you can learn! And it will bring you so much happiness. And you want to learn that skill even if you just dump this guy as a friend. 

I'm not sure I consider you friends if after all these years you have never met the wife. That doesn't make sense. That's no friendship. 

[Measure]

Male/female "friendships" can be complicated and rarely work out as true friendships as one party usually has romantic feelings towards the other.  That's not to say they can never work though.  One of my best friends is a woman.  We've been best friends since we were 12 years old.  We are 56 now.  Though we've never "hidden" our friendship.  She's met, and hung out with, every women I've been in a "relationship" with, including my wife when I was married.  However, whether or not you and this guy are true friends is only something you can decide.  There's no way for anybody to tell from a "post" on a forum.

So I'm responding in regards to controlling friends.  In general I shed myself of people that are a liability to me.  Controlling friends "can be" a liability but it's really a personal, individual, situational thing.  I can't tell you who or what would be a liability for someone else.  Generally speaking though, for me, I keep controlling people at an arms length.  To say the least.

However, for some perspective, my other best friend is a buddy I've also been close with since we were 12.  We consider each other brothers.  The last 20 years or so he has become very controlling in that he will only do things on his terms.  We've got to hang out at his house or in his town.  If I call him he wont pick up, he waits until I hang then he calls me.  Also if we are having a conversation he will stop me mid story and say "BORING, let's talk about something interesting... like me".  It actually cracks me the hell up.  If you didn't know him well it could be frustrating though.  However, his personality changes imediately if it's something serious.  He's never betrayed my trust.  He'd also give me the shirt off his back if I needed it.

In short, controlling "people" in general are not worth the energy required to associate with them unless they are a true friend.  Only you can determine if someone is a true friend though.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Tee11 said:

 Sometimes I feel like I’m in a secret side relationship with him because that’s exactly how he makes me feel. 

Unfortunately, that's because it's exactly what it is. Trust your instincts. Protect yourself from headaches and heartaches. Delete and block him.

Edited April 14, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

You need boundaries.

You are letting him walk all over you. It is unclear why you want to be "friends" with someone like this, though I suspect you have feelings for him. Is that accruate?

[JTSW]

He doesn't own you.

He doesn't control you.

YOU decide who you want in your life.

YOU decide who you are friends with.

Stand up for yourself and block him.

There's nothing he can do about it.