My messy life

[Emmmy]

Hi,

I'm struggling in my relationship right now.  We've been together for 15 years and been living together for 10 years. I still haven't met my needs in terms of how clean I like the apartment to be. I'm the person between the two who needs everything to be in its place so I feel at peace when I come home. My partner doesn't really seen to have developed any system to make sure I don't clean up after him. For instance, if he makes toasts, he will leave the bread crumbs on the kitchen counter and won't even notice it. 

I tried and failed every time to make him understand that I need things to be cleaned up and organized, but it's always been received with resistance like I'm trying to control his life for not wanting the apartment to be messy and dirty. 

At some point during covid I just gave up on cleaning after him, and now I make the bare minimum and it feels less stressful since I'm less consumed by it, but now when I come back home I feel so angry and like I don't have a place where I feel good and relaxed at the end of the day. 

There's also the fact that my boyfriend doesn't like to have his stuff moved, so I can't even put his things away when I'm tired of having his clothes laying everywhere in the apartment. For that reason he doesn't feel comfortable having a cleaning service coming into the apartment for help.

I feel stuck and depressed and ashamed of where I live. I don't feel like home.

 

[JTSW]

It sounds like you struggle with OCD.

Do you co-own/lease the apartment together? or did one of you move in the the other?

You really don't sound compatible at all. 

He knows where you stand on cleanliness yet he doesn't care or respect that.

If you're not happy then you should consider moving out.

[ShyViolet]

This has been going on for 10 years.  It's not going to change.  He is not going to change.  So you need to make a decision, are you willing to continue living like this, or is it time to separate?

[Emmmy]

Hey JTSW,

Thanks for the reply. Would you mind elaborating on the OCD part? (What made you think that). I don't know enough about it.

And yes, I plan on moving out next year and wanted to move out this year, but when I told him that, he freaked out as he isn't able to pay a rent by himself. So I'm giving him and myself time to plan us living sperately.

In the meantime however, it's a challenge. One of my friends stopped by to give me cookies she had baked for me and I almost cried when she said she wanted to come in. That's how embarrassed I am about where I live since I've given up on maintaining. It's just too hard to keep up.

In 2021, his father passed and the situation has gotten even worse. He started using the living room as some sort of creative space where he just creates clothing. Since it was helping him grieve, I was very supportive of it. But now it has gotten to a point where there are threads, cut fabric, patterns on the floor of every room. He also leaves his dishes dry out for days.

Where I am at is that I put the cleaning services back on the table, but to meet him half way, I said I could let him think about where he wants to store his stuff, so whoever comes in the apartment will know exactly where to put his stuff. He doesn't seem conviced by that idea and later said I forced that onto him which I didn't. I'm trying to find a solution and I feel so sad that he won't meet me half way.

I asked him recently when he thinks he could start categorizing his things to give me an estimate and he quickly asked me to stop pressuring him.

 

Edited April 14, 2023 by Emmmy

[Emmmy]

Hey Shyviolet,

I hear you loud and clear. Yes definitely I've lost hope and it's true, he's not going to change. I guess I needed to vent somewhere because I'm even too embarrassed to talk about it to friends. Thank you for your reply.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Emmmy said:

.I feel stuck and depressed and ashamed of where I live. I don't feel like home.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he seems to take you for granted. Hire a cleaning service. It doesn't matter if he "doesn't like it", it's your home also.

[Measure]

Dealing with issues like this in a long relationship can be very difficult.  I haven't walked a mile in either of your shoes so I would never judge either party in a situation like this.  I will leave you with a few points I believe are important...

You must be comfortable in your own home.

It's very hard to find a partner you are completely compatible with in all aspects of your life.  Be it cleanliness, intimacy, socially, etc, extreme odds of compatibility in any one aspect can be a death knell for a relationship unless both parties are truly in love.

If two people are truly in love they must communicate and make concessions that both parties can live with.

Productive communication that leads to resolution must happen right away.  An issue that festers for years will likely never find resolution.

Simple math provides clear answers.

 

[ShyViolet]

19 hours ago, Emmmy said:

Where I am at is that I put the cleaning services back on the table, but to meet him half way, I said I could let him think about where he wants to store his stuff, so whoever comes in the apartment will know exactly where to put his stuff. He doesn't seem conviced by that idea and later said I forced that onto him which I didn't. I'm trying to find a solution and I feel so sad that he won't meet me half way.

You said you've come to the conclusion that you are moving out, but then you proceed to do this^ again, trying to plead and negotiate with him to change his ways.  This isn't going to work, period.  Stop asking him anything.  You are wasting your energy trying to change something that is not going to change.

19 hours ago, Emmmy said:

And yes, I plan on moving out next year and wanted to move out this year, but when I told him that, he freaked out as he isn't able to pay a rent by himself. So I'm giving him and myself time to plan us living sperately.

It's only April.  He doesn't want to let you move out anytime this year, he expects you to put it off until next year?  You can't possibly be serious?  You are going to sacrifice a whole 'nother year of your life for this?  He is an adult.  It is his responsibility to take care of himself.  Giving him two months notice is perfectly fair and reasonable, and you do not owe him any more than that.  Considering how unhappy you are and how impossible he is being to live with, it's extremely unreasonable for you to sacrifice a whole additional year of your happiness just because he "freaked out".  That is HIS problem and these are the consequences of his actions.

[Weezy1973]

The difference in cleanliness standards isn’t a dealbreaker but his lack of desire to come up with a compromise is. It might be the way you’re communicating it. Have you used “I” statements. Like “I feel at peace with an uncluttered and clean home, and feel anxious / anger / agitated when it gets out of hand. I know you don’t mind the clutter and mess and don’t like people moving your stuff so you can create, so is there somewhere we can meet in the middle so both our needs are at least satisfied understanding there isn’t a solution that’s perfect for both of us.”

He needs to be an active partner coming up with solutions too. If he doesn’t want to or doesn’t care, it is time to move on. Whether he can afford rent or not.

[IrinaM]

On 4/15/2023 at 2:17 PM, ShyViolet said:

It's only April.  He doesn't want to let you move out anytime this year, he expects you to put it off until next year?  You can't possibly be serious?  You are going to sacrifice a whole 'nother year of your life for this?  He is an adult.  It is his responsibility to take care of himself.  Giving him two months notice is perfectly fair and reasonable, and you do not owe him any more than that.  Considering how unhappy you are and how impossible he is being to live with, it's extremely unreasonable for you to sacrifice a whole additional year of your happiness just because he "freaked out".  That is HIS problem and these are the consequences of his actions.

I totally agree with you except I would go even further and not even give the two months. Honestly this situation is ridiculous. He's not entitled to keep you in this situation with this "i'm freaked out" emotional blackmail. This is your life and you're entitled to a comfortable living space.

You already gave him notice that there is a problem that needs solving; he told you that there is no solution. So clearly, you need to eliminate the problem (him). One of you needs to move out. The sooner, the better. Nothing is a bigger turn off to me then a man that has the "this is just me, this is just who I am" attitude. Specifically in regards to a negative attribute (overweight, spends too much, slob). I don't see what's so appealing about someone uninterested in self-improvement. Life pretty much is all about self-improvement.

[basil67]

I agree that you've giving him too much.  If you were springing this issue on him, it would be one thing....but he's known for ages how you feel.  As such, I think that 4-6 weeks notice is ample.   That he can't afford rent on his own is not your problem.

[Lotsgoingon]

It's not your job to give him time to come up with rent.

You're treating him like an unemployed, struggling son. That's the problem here. You have no standards for this guy. 

Let's get blunt. You are not compatible with him. Stop all all this attempting to explain to him. Unless he is brain dead, he knows what you're saying and it means nothing to him to have a cleaner/neater apartment.

Come out of denial and get out of the relationship. Now!

BTW: this guy sounds very low functioning. It's no accident that you ended up with him, given how neat and organized you are. Figure out what that attraction is and zap it and move on. 

[JTSW]

On 4/14/2023 at 11:16 PM, Emmmy said:

Would you mind elaborating on the OCD part? (What made you think that)

Not in any severe kind of way.

My mother has OCD when it comes to wanting things spotlessly clean and tidy at all times.

My daughter has OCD in a way that makes her need things a particular way and in particular places or it will trigger her.

[Els]

There are a lot of separate issues here.

Firstly, if you're truly already at the point of wanting to leave, then just leave. You don't owe it to him to stay another year.

But honestly, it seems very strange to me that anyone would leave a good and happy relationship over literally bread crumbs on the counter and thread on the floor. I've lived with many, many roommates during my college and grad school days, and tbh nothing that you've described sounds to me like he's an exceptionally dirty person, he just sounds normal. IME most people don't expect the house to be perfectly spotless every single day, especially on days that you have work. So either there's something else going on, or you might want to take a look at your cleanliness requirements and really ask yourself if they are reasonable. Especially the part where your friend showed up and you "almost cried" because your house was untidy... I think you're being way too hard on yourself in that regard - the friend would probably understand.

That ALSO being said, he sounds very inflexible if he can't even tolerate having a cleaner around once in a while.

All in all, just a lot of incompatibility, and you might be better off leaving indeed. But if you feel like this starts to become a pattern - that NOBODY is "clean" enough for you - then you might want to look into it. I don't mean to go all armchair psychologist on you, but I do suffer from mild OCD, and that's what your thought patterns sound like to me (my triggers are different from yours, however).

Edited April 19, 2023 by Els

[BaileyB]

Well, you have two options here…

You can assume responsibility for the cleaning because doing so allows you to have a respectable living space which gives you peace of mind…

Or, you can leave.

It’s been ten years - he is not going to change who he is… in much the same way that you are not going to change who you are. 

You are not wrong to want to live in a clean and orderly space where you are able to find peace and happiness. I would not be able to live in the home that you describe. 

He doesn’t want you to move his thing - that’s his tough luck, if he doesn’t like you moving his things then he should put them somewhere and not leave them laying around the house.

He doesn’t want you to move out because he doesn’t want to be responsible for all the rent - that’s not his decision. It’s yours. He will need to adapt.

To be honest, he sounds like a slob (certainly, having a clean and orderly home is not as important to him as it is to you) who is now suffering from depression… And that is his problem to fix, not yours. You can continue to tiptoe around his stuff and his mental health issues if you like - it’s unlikely the day will come that he is prepared such that you feel good about leaving. At some point, you are just going to have to set a date and go about planning your move. Good luck.