Ghosted by friend. What next?

[Lauren153]

I have a friend, who I’ll always text and get together with after a few months. She’ll always respond via text or answer a phone call within a few days, at least. The last time I saw her was last October and we had a nice time. Lately, I’ve texted her to get together and either don’t hear back at all, or the two times I did hear back, she said she couldn’t this weekend but next. So, I said okay, great, just let me know. Then, I don’t hear back from her at all, and after I text a reminder that weekend, still hear nothing. I’ve realized maybe she’s busy with work, or had something come up, and so I did address both of these scenarios and also just asked if she was doing okay. She has still been posting on Instagram, so obviously she’d be able to get back to me. At this point, I think I’ve reached out a handful of times. I know the answer is that if someone isnt going to make any effort with you, then just forget them and move on. It’s hard, because this has been a several year friendship and I don’t like to just throw friendships away. So, all that being said, I would like to make one final attempt via text to address that I’ve reached out to her and I haven’t heard back and that I won’t be anymore. This is my template, what would you say? And I only added the “I won’t reach out anymore” to show that the ball is in her court now.

Hi Danielle, I’ve reached out a few times to catch up and do something with you. I’m not sure if I did something to offend you, but guessing that you don’t want to talk or get together. I probably won’t be reaching out anymore, but I do hope to hear from you at some point.

Edited April 15, 2023 by Lauren153

[stillafool]

If it makes you feel better go ahead and send the text.  BTW you aren't the one who would be throwing the friendship away by not contacting her again, she's already done it.  Sometimes people move on to different friend circles and leave others behind.  Unless you've been best friends for decades it happens to all of us as we grow older.

[Acacia98]

You don't have to send a text or anything. She knows you have reached out. She knows she hasn't responded. The normal thing for someone in your circumstances to do is to simply stop writing. If she's still posting on Instagram or wherever, you know she's alive. So you can disengage with zero guilt. If a time comes when she wants to reach out to you, she will find you.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, don't send the text. She knows your contact info. Unfortunately it seems like she's doing the slow fade. It probably has nothing to do with you or anything you did. She just nay be moving in different circles or have other stuff going on.

[Measure]

I am very selective with who I let in my life.  I constantly "shed" people that may be a liability to me, whether they be purposely or accidently.  Because of that I feel it is my responsibility to maintain friendships with people I consider quality people.

Over the years many of my friends have dispersed around the country so I dont see them for years at a time.  Even with friends still in my area, over the years, we go through periods we don't talk or hang out for months, and in some cases years.

In those situations I reach out ocasionally.  If I don't hear back I will reach out once again a few weeks or a month later.  After a second "text" without response the next time I try to reach out I will CALL them.  If they don't answer or respond back I will continue calling once a month. I've had a couple instances over my life where it has taken 5 or 6 months to reconnect with someone I haven't seen in years but eventually we always reconnect and catch-up. 

The key is, if it's a quality friend, never make demands or get "upset" at them.  Always be happy to hear from them.  Always pick right back up with them like you just talked to them yesturday.  Texting someone with "this is the last time I will reach out to you" is the fastest way to end a friendship.

So the only question I have for you is how important is this friend to you?  Is this a quality person you'd like to maintain in your life? 

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, Lauren153 said:

 and I don’t like to just throw friendships away.

The friendship is already over... she has made that clear.  There is nothing left here to "throw away".  

When you reach out to someone multiple times and they don't respond, it's your job to take the hint and stop pestering them.  Texting them more isn't going to make them be your friend.  It will do quite the opposite... it will just make you look like someone who can't take the hint and who has no self-respect.

5 hours ago, Lauren153 said:

Hi Danielle, I’ve reached out a few times to catch up and do something with you. I’m not sure if I did something to offend you, but guessing that you don’t want to talk or get together. I probably won’t be reaching out anymore, but I do hope to hear from you at some point.

This is really cringey.  You should not send this.  You have already reached out to her multiple times with no response, or with her brushing you off and saying she's busy.  What part of that is unclear to you, and why would you think texting her one more time is going to change that?  Chasing someone who is not interested in you is not a good look.  If you've reached out to someone two times and they don't respond, it is time to leave them alone.  And you've already clearly reached out to her more than that.

[Lauren153]

On 4/15/2023 at 2:29 PM, ShyViolet said:

The friendship is already over... she has made that clear.  There is nothing left here to "throw away".  

When you reach out to someone multiple times and they don't respond, it's your job to take the hint and stop pestering them.  Texting them more isn't going to make them be your friend.  It will do quite the opposite... it will just make you look like someone who can't take the hint and who has no self-respect.

This is really cringey.  You should not send this.  You have already reached out to her multiple times with no response, or with her brushing you off and saying she's busy.  What part of that is unclear to you, and why would you think texting her one more time is going to change that?  Chasing someone who is not interested in you is not a good look.  If you've reached out to someone two times and they don't respond, it is time to leave them alone.  And you've already clearly reached out to her more than that.

Thanks. A bit harsh, but I understand you’re just trying to be honest. Quite the contrary on self-respect, I do have it, but I also put a lot into friendships. She has always done the same for me, so it’s confusing to me now why it’s been a slow fade out of the blue.

Edited April 16, 2023 by Lauren153

[Lauren153]

On 4/15/2023 at 12:14 PM, Measure said:

I am very selective with who I let in my life.  I constantly "shed" people that may be a liability to me, whether they be purposely or accidently.  Because of that I feel it is my responsibility to maintain friendships with people I consider quality people.

Over the years many of my friends have dispersed around the country so I dont see them for years at a time.  Even with friends still in my area, over the years, we go through periods we don't talk or hang out for months, and in some cases years.

In those situations I reach out ocasionally.  If I don't hear back I will reach out once again a few weeks or a month later.  After a second "text" without response the next time I try to reach out I will CALL them.  If they don't answer or respond back I will continue calling once a month. I've had a couple instances over my life where it has taken 5 or 6 months to reconnect with someone I haven't seen in years but eventually we always reconnect and catch-up. 

The key is, if it's a quality friend, never make demands or get "upset" at them.  Always be happy to hear from them.  Always pick right back up with them like you just talked to them yesturday.  Texting someone with "this is the last time I will reach out to you" is the fastest way to end a friendship.

So the only question I have for you is how important is this friend to you?  Is this a quality person you'd like to maintain in your life? 

Thank you. So, what would you do if you were me? Maybe try once more in a month or so? I do believe this is a quality person, that’s why it’s confusing. 

Edited April 16, 2023 by Lauren153

[stillafool]

37 minutes ago, Lauren153 said:

Thank you. So, what would you do if you were me? Maybe try once more in a month or so? I do believe this is a quality person, that’s why it’s confusing. 

Friendships only work when it's mutual. You may consider her a quality person but it's obvious she doesn't feel the same.  Pestering her again in a month or more isn't going to change anything.  If she hasn't replied back to you in a month or so that should tell you how much you do not mean to her and then you should act accordingly and move on.

[Lauren153]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Friendships only work when it's mutual. You may consider her a quality person but it's obvious she doesn't feel the same.  Pestering her again in a month or more isn't going to change anything.  If she hasn't replied back to you in a month or so that should tell you how much you do not mean to her and then you should act accordingly and move on.

I’ll try one final time (not via text I shared above) to at least try and just get closure and if nothing, then that’s that. She has said I’m her only  friend here, but who knows. 

Edited April 16, 2023 by Lauren153

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Lauren153 said:

She has said I’m her only good friend here, but who knows. 

Yeah and I have a million acres of very fertile farm land in Greenland for sale.

[Lauren153]

Just now, stillafool said:

Yeah and I have a million acres of very fertile farm land in Greenland for sale.

Haha touché!

[Alpacalia]

Firstly, I apologize on behalf of your friend. Life's worst feeling is this. On the bright side, I am happy for you as well. 

This is troubling to you because you never expected your friends to do this. It has indeed happened, and you had no power to prevent it. Too much seriousness leads to trust issues. This means, the every new friend in your life won’t have the same level of trust and security. To avoid that, give yourself some space and time. Always remember that sometimes it is okay to only be with yourself. 

It's understandable that it's hard to let go of a friendship you've had for several years, so I'd suggest sending one more text expressing your feelings and concerns. If you two have been friends for a while, then it's worth making one final attempt to clear the air and make sure you both are on the same page. This way, you can move on without any hard feelings.

While I don't know you personally, I feel you have loving parents, or a cute pet, or a teacher who cares for you despite all odds. Think of them, tell them your story, and spend more quality time with such people in your life. Ultimately, it's all about the vibes and those that come from them. Never stop making friends. Self doubt is created when someone leaves without an explanation. It sucks, but it’s okay. Sometimes we don’t like this life, but breathing is not in our control. No one can stop breathing, so why can't we stop loving and making new friends?

Keep that door of friendship open at all times. The best character only enters during the adversity.

 

[NuevoYorko]

As we get older, this type of thing becomes fairly common - well, in my case anyway.  I know my siblings and SO also have had similar experiences.

I'm talking about friendships that have lasted for decades.

Friends that we consider close, but with whom we have long gaps in communication, sometimes go silent for a while.  I accept that - sometimes I'm the one responsible for it.

If life has been complicated or overwhelming, sometimes we just aren't ready to reconnect with someone we may love a lot but who's been out of the loop for a while.  Catching up seems like a big job.  Maybe we don't want to unpack what's been going on, but we're aware that the friendship warrants that attention.  A superficial text or whatever won't cut it.   So we put it off.

This has happened with some friends and me so many times.  Sometimes it's me; sometimes it's them.  We understand what's happening.  When we finally do connect, our friendship and love for one another is absolutely in tact.  It's like the lapse never happened.

Thank goodness neither of us ever sent a message saying that it would probably be the last time.

[Alpacalia]

My friends and I have been in each other's lives for decades.

Some since childhood.

Part of the reason is because we communicate if things upset us and we choose not to gloss it over.

Other times we just give the other space. There's no universal standard.

Do what you feel is right for you and your friendship.

Edited April 17, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Lauren153]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Firstly, I apologize on behalf of your friend. Life's worst feeling is this. On the bright side, I am happy for you as well. 

This is troubling to you because you never expected your friends to do this. It has indeed happened, and you had no power to prevent it. Too much seriousness leads to trust issues. This means, the every new friend in your life won’t have the same level of trust and security. To avoid that, give yourself some space and time. Always remember that sometimes it is okay to only be with yourself. 

It's understandable that it's hard to let go of a friendship you've had for several years, so I'd suggest sending one more text expressing your feelings and concerns. If you two have been friends for a while, then it's worth making one final attempt to clear the air and make sure you both are on the same page. This way, you can move on without any hard feelings.

While I don't know you personally, I feel you have loving parents, or a cute pet, or a teacher who cares for you despite all odds. Think of them, tell them your story, and spend more quality time with such people in your life. Ultimately, it's all about the vibes and those that come from them. Never stop making friends. Self doubt is created when someone leaves without an explanation. It sucks, but it’s okay. Sometimes we don’t like this life, but breathing is not in our control. No one can stop breathing, so why can't we stop loving and making new friends?

Keep that door of friendship open at all times. The best character only enters during the adversity.

 

Thank you so much for this. It’s a great perspective and I’ll keep this in mind!

[Lauren153]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

As we get older, this type of thing becomes fairly common - well, in my case anyway.  I know my siblings and SO also have had similar experiences.

I'm talking about friendships that have lasted for decades.

Friends that we consider close, but with whom we have long gaps in communication, sometimes go silent for a while.  I accept that - sometimes I'm the one responsible for it.

If life has been complicated or overwhelming, sometimes we just aren't ready to reconnect with someone we may love a lot but who's been out of the loop for a while.  Catching up seems like a big job.  Maybe we don't want to unpack what's been going on, but we're aware that the friendship warrants that attention.  A superficial text or whatever won't cut it.   So we put it off.

This has happened with some friends and me so many times.  Sometimes it's me; sometimes it's them.  We understand what's happening.  When we finally do connect, our friendship and love for one another is absolutely in tact.  It's like the lapse never happened.

Thank goodness neither of us ever sent a message saying that it would probably be the last time.

Thank you for sharing your insight and experience. I agree I won’t send such a message. I’ll reach out in due time and see what happens there. Like you said, friends come in and out. 

[JTSW]

11 hours ago, Lauren153 said:

I’ll try one final time (not via text I shared above) to at least try and just get closure and if nothing, then that’s that. She has said I’m her only  friend here, but who knows. 

You have already reached out to her multiple times and she has just ignored you.

Stop obsessing and let this go.

If she wanted to talk to you she would've done so by now.

[Acacia98]

Hey, OP,

This is just a by the way: I don't know the reasons why your friend is silent, but something that I know is that some folks will drop off the radar if they have too much going on in their lives and just don't have the energy to do more than deal with it or process it. If that's the case, then repeatedly reaching out to such a person can put pressure on them and result in them pushing you away because it may feel to them like you're being emotionally needy when they don't have anything to give.

Alternatively, it is of course possible that your friend no longer wants to be friends and is "breaking up" with you in slow motion.

Whatever the case, it's important to always recognize that it takes two people to maintain a friendship. You should do your bit. But then you must leave the other person time and space to do their bit. If they need room to breathe while they figure stuff out, it's only decent to give them that room. If they want distance from your friendship, it's respectful to allow them that distance. 

Be kind to yourself. Don't pressure yourself to make things work if the other person is not making an effort. Even if they're going through a crisis and need help, you can only let them know that you're there if they need someone to lean on. Then it's up to them to ask you for help.

[Lauren153]

UPDATE: she got back to me! She reached out on Instagram this morning. She lost her phone and didn’t have my contact saved and I told her I’d been texting her lol. All good! 

[Alpacalia]

That's good.

Sometimes it can be easy to assume that your friend is upset or something is afoot if they don't respond to your messages, but it could be that she is going through something that she doesn't want to share with you. Or, she's just doing her own thing.

There's nothing wrong with reaching out and letting your friend know that you are there for them if they need to talk, but don't pressure her to open up if she doesn't feel comfortable doing so.

Your friend will come back to you when she is ready.

This just sounds like a scheduling issue. She seems a bit busy and preoccupied so let her reach out when she has a better idea of her schedule.

 

[Lonna9]

Hi! This is my first post here, please be honest and try to be kind…

I live in an apartment complex and have made a good circle of friends here because of our dogs. A few have moved out and into houses but still live close by, another has moved away but we still keep in touch, and then about five of us are here. One friend, Laila, we all became friends with more early on, than the other one, Samantha. We didn’t get close with Samantha until after a few had already moved out. They were there for me (along with the rest of the group) and I was there for these two, during some really difficult times. Laila was a great friend and Samantha did too.

At one point, some of us in the group noticed that Laila and Samantha were getting very close and that’s understandable, we get closer with some people. Over the past few months, they’ve gone on to do their own thing, except when the group is all invited. Only very seldomly would the pair include me. Once, we all went as a group to the park and remember we live in the complex together, and they drove together, but didn’t invite me to ride along, that’s just one example, many more.  I have made attempts to hang out with both + one on one, and if one on one, the one will always invite the other. A few months ago, another friend in our group sent me a long text telling me that she was was upset with not being included (she saw me out with both of them, when I was just supposed to be out with Laila) and Laila and Samantha were aware this was sent and said they were going to do better. I talked with my other friend, too, and expressed my sincere apologies, as I never want someone to not feel included. I’ve also made comments to them to let me know next time they’re doing a/b/c, an dropped hints to include me. 

Our friend who moved away came to visit and remaked about how much Laila and Samantha had changed and were attached at the hip and when they are together, you can’t get in a word, they’ll talk over you or dismiss anything you have to say. That they just aren’t the friends we knew anymore.

A few weeks ago, Laila and Samantha and I went out and had a great time. They both were good to be with and it felt like old times. Fast forward a week or two and it was Samantha’s birthday. Turns out Laila, she, and two other friends from our complex went out - they didn’t include me or the one friend who raised the concerns a few months ago about not being included. I messaged Samantha and told her I wish I had been invited and she, as she usually does, doesn’t outright apologize and says it was Laila’s doing and that she was the one to message the others (Laila always says she’s not one to reach out to people or make plans, but yet, she apparently is the one who set this up). Samantha eventually said sorry over text and that was it. I haven’t heard from either of them since (they did message the group about a new park opening. I didn’t respond because it was just a news article and I hadn’t anything to say). They’ve also gotten close with a third girl, who they invite to many things, and it shows me that they were able to invite me all this time and just didn’t. 

So now that you’ve read to here, and please try to be kind in your response, I think it’s obvious that they just don’t care to make the effort anymore. They’ve both changed, due to life circumstances, and I accept that people change. This has been a pattern with them and with me not being included and despite my best efforts to make the effort or hang out, it overall hasn’t happened, even though we had a great time a few weeks ago. The birthday was the last example to show me that they don’t value me as I do them. It’s hard to accept that, especially because we’ve been there for each other and all live in the same neighborhood, so the chances are high I’ll run into them and this third girl. I don’t like when people are cliquey and uninclusive, so it’s a good reminder for me to be so. 
 

I also am working to move beyond these friends and value my others, but it’s so new, and does take a conscious effort on my part to not reach out. Because I also didn’t have closure, it makes this hard. I will, it just takes time. My birthday is next month and I won’t want to invite them, not being petty, but with everything said, why would I? If I do, it could make things awkward with the friend group, what would you do? I could try and talk to them, but again, I feel like we’ve already covered that (the friend who spoke up or with my attempts to be included) and nothing has really changed. If I also don’t invite them, thay signals things are truly done with the friendship. I just don’t want to include them since they never can me and I don’t want the vibes to be cliquey.

Anyway, that’s it, 2 friendships that have been in decline! Sorry for the long post, it’s my first one. Looking forward to your thoughts, suggestions, and anything else. I welcome all feedback, please just be kind. Thank you!

Edited July 11, 2023 by Lonna9

[Wiseman2]

It seems like you're all sort of drifting apart a bit. Try to maintain one-on-one contact with each of these friends and try to avoid hearsay or one complaining about another. Avoid power struggles  and jealousies between them and stay a neutral friend to each of them.

[Lonna9]

Thank you! If I try to hang one on one with Laila or Samantha, they just end up inviting the other anyway? You think still try?

Edited July 11, 2023 by Lonna9

[stillafool]

It's clear that Samantha and Laila are now best friends and only want a 3rd wheel of their choosing when they want it.  I agree the group is drifting apart.  This was bound to happen as people move out or get married or coupled up with a guy.  I would not beg them to hang out because they already know that you do.  They like being with each other, so be it.  Why not hang out and ride with that other girl who is complaining about them?