I think there may be something wrong with me

[jwoody]

Hi all

I’ve been dating for good 6-7 years now, and have met a fair few people (most of whom have been through dating apps). I’ve managed a few short to medium-term relationships spanning 2 to 9 months, but I’ve consistently run into the same problem when meeting new people: even when there’s physical attraction, I’ve never been convinced (or rarely for more than a day or two at a time) that the person is who I want to be with.

Every time, without fail, I find myself in a vicious cycle: I frequently have doubts lingering in the back of my mind about whether this person is right for me long term, which makes spending time with them less enjoyable (since I’m constantly worrying) which feeds back into those lingering doubts. I absolutely hate feeling as though I’m ‘leading someone on’, and the thought of someone becoming ever-increasingly invested in the relationship just for me to initiate the seemingly-inevitable breakup makes me feel sick.

I always try to do the right thing, but I don’t really know what that is. If I’m not convinced that someone is right for me after three dates (as is the case with the currently girl I’m seeing), but I think there could still be potential, should I ‘see how things go’, or break it off early? I’ve opted for the ‘see how things go’ route before, and it’s ended poorly. One of my exes, once I ended it with her after a couple of months, angrily told me I never should have kept things going if I had doubts. I thought maybe the doubts were just my fault, and that I could work through them, but maybe she had a point. I genuinely don’t know.

I’m concerned that I’ve never once really felt sure about a relationship, and I don’t know if my approach is helping. I’m tired of being so low and sick with worry every time a relationship feels as though it may be advancing to something more serious. Any words of wisdom/encouragement are most welcome, or otherwise just let me know if you can relate. I’m really struggling at the moment.

Many thanks:)

[JTSW]

There isn't anything wrong with you.

It's perfectly fine to assess whether if someone is right for you or not.

If you're not feeling it then that's ok.

Once you find the one that is right for you, you will know.

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, jwoody said:

 

If I’m not convinced that someone is right for me after three dates (as is the case with the currently girl I’m seeing), but I think there could still be potential, should I ‘see how things go’, or break it off early? I’ve opted for the ‘see how things go’ route before, and it’s ended poorly. One of my exes, once I ended it with her after a couple of months, angrily told me I never should have kept things going if I had doubts. I thought maybe the doubts were just my fault, and that I could work through them, but maybe she had a point. I genuinely don’t know.

 

There is a big difference between valid "doubts" and taking time getting to know somebody.

I would bet that inside yourself you can recognize the differences between serious doubts and simply needing to know a person pretty well before making a commitment.  

It's a mistake to ignore "red flags" / deal breakers.  Do you know what yours are?  If they are present, don't sweep them under the rug and try to "work through" those.

On the other hand, it takes plenty of time to get to know who someone really is and especially whether the two of you are compatible.   Three dates is way too short for that.  

 

[Weezy1973]

Your experience seems similar to my OLD experience. I think it’s pretty normal when you’re dating strangers. What can help is figuring out what you are looking for in a relationship. With one end of the spectrum being marriage and kids, and the other end being a one night stand, what is it ultimately that you want? If this is a hard question for you to answer. (It was hard for me to answer for many years) I think you’ll keep doing the same thing. 

[ShyViolet]

Your problem is that you seem to have gotten the misguided idea that when you're seeing someone, you need to figure out NOW whether the relationship has long-term potential.  Stop focusing on this.  You do not need to predict the future and figure out whether you are going to want to be with the person forever.  Learn to focus on the present and stop obsessing over the future.  If you are enjoying spending time with the person NOW, and it's going well NOW, then continue seeing them.  You don't know what the future holds.  When you start up a relationship, do not go into it with any expectations or discussion of long-term or marriage or anything like that.  If long-term happens, then let it develop organically and naturally.  If you and the person are truly compatible and want the same things, it will grow towards something longer term and you won't feel all this anxiety.  But when you put pressure on it and obsess over it, then it becomes a negative thing that actually detracts from a relationship because it can't develop naturally.

[Ray_xx]

On 4/17/2023 at 10:39 AM, jwoody said:

Hi all

I’ve been dating for good 6-7 years now, and have met a fair few people (most of whom have been through dating apps). I’ve managed a few short to medium-term relationships spanning 2 to 9 months, but I’ve consistently run into the same problem when meeting new people: even when there’s physical attraction, I’ve never been convinced (or rarely for more than a day or two at a time) that the person is who I want to be with.

Every time, without fail, I find myself in a vicious cycle: I frequently have doubts lingering in the back of my mind about whether this person is right for me long term, which makes spending time with them less enjoyable (since I’m constantly worrying) which feeds back into those lingering doubts. I absolutely hate feeling as though I’m ‘leading someone on’, and the thought of someone becoming ever-increasingly invested in the relationship just for me to initiate the seemingly-inevitable breakup makes me feel sick.

I always try to do the right thing, but I don’t really know what that is. If I’m not convinced that someone is right for me after three dates (as is the case with the currently girl I’m seeing), but I think there could still be potential, should I ‘see how things go’, or break it off early? I’ve opted for the ‘see how things go’ route before, and it’s ended poorly. One of my exes, once I ended it with her after a couple of months, angrily told me I never should have kept things going if I had doubts. I thought maybe the doubts were just my fault, and that I could work through them, but maybe she had a point. I genuinely don’t know.

I’m concerned that I’ve never once really felt sure about a relationship, and I don’t know if my approach is helping. I’m tired of being so low and sick with worry every time a relationship feels as though it may be advancing to something more serious. Any words of wisdom/encouragement are most welcome, or otherwise just let me know if you can relate. I’m really struggling at the moment.

Many thanks:)

I get it as I am similar with men. For the first few months there is spark and physical energy and attraction, but then it slowly fades and I am left with no excitement. People say you know when you have found the ''one'' but I have had relationships in the past where I have thought this and now I look back and know I didn't love them. I am not sure you ever find ''the one'' but I do believe we probably get to a point in life where we think I am not bothered anymore and settle on the basis that we have some physical, some emotional and care for a person and that's enough. I am not there either.  I am 32, single female and I am so happy on my own and I truly don't believe anyone can match the value of it and if I end up alone with cats, I am happy! and so you should be  don't over think it all 

Edited April 28, 2023 by Ray_xx