I dont want to live together

[PJ328]

Hi, im new here & just looking for some unbiased advice. BF (47) and i (46) have been together for a little over 5 years, with a couple of “breaks” in the last 6 months. He desparately wants me to move in with him. Its actually a big source of conflict for us. I DO love him. I know that he loves me. We’ve discussed it & Ive considered it… but I know I am just not ready to take that step. Ive been honest with him about that, but he says i only care about what i want and never about what he wants. i just feel like thats a really big step and something i shouldnt do (out of fairness to both of us) if im not all-in with the idea. Is it wrong of me to just not be ready or selfish of me to feel like thats not what i want right now? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, PJ328 said:

. He desparately wants me to move in with him. Its actually a big source of conflict for us. I DO love him. I know that he loves me. 

You're not selfish. What were the breaks about? That's a huge red flag and very sound reason not to give up your life and independence.

Keep in mind, living together is for sexual and economic convenience, it's not a step forward.

More disconcerting it the pressure and emotional blackmail he's employing (if you loved me, you'd move in)

It's a complicated issue. For example do either of you have kids living at home? Do either of you own your homes? Are you roughly equal as far as finances and assets?

Why would it be you be giving everything up moving into his place?   Do you want to be his tenant or pay down his mortgage?

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, PJ328 said:

Is it wrong of me to just not be ready or selfish of me to feel like thats not what i want right now? 

Your current boyfriend notwithstanding, is living with your partner something you want in a relationship or in your mind is it ideal to live separately?

If you do want a partner that you live with and you’re still not ready with your current boyfriend after 5 years, I’d suggest it’s your subconscious telling you he isn’t long term material. 

[PJ328]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're not selfish. What were the breaks about? That's a huge red flag and very sound reason not to give up your life and independence.

Keep in mind, living together is for sexual and economic convenience, it's not a step forward.

More disconcerting it the pressure and emotional blackmail he's employing (if you loved me, you'd move in)

It's a complicated issue. For example do either of you have kids living at home? Do either of you own your homes? Are you roughly equal as far as finances and assets?

Why would it be you be giving everything up moving into his place?   Do you want to be his tenant or pay down his mortgage?

i rent. he owns. my son lives with me full time. his daughter he has 50% of the time (shared custody). he has a very small 2 bedroom. so no space for my son (who is much older than his daughter). i also work from home and theres no where for me to work there. about a year ago i approached finding a place together that would suit all our needs, and he was adamant that he will not do that and that we can make his place work if i really wanted to. essentially i have to fit i to his home/life. he wont give up his home. 

we both have good jobs & manage our own finances. 

we also discussed marriage at one point but he said hed never consider that unless i move in with him first “to see if it would work” i told him i wont give up my home & independance for something he sees as a maybe. & that space for my son is non negotiable. he said my son could stay with his father more or we could get a mattress to put in his basement (which is unfinished concrete and not always dry - so thats a hard no from me). 

break ups were over this issue, he says after 5 years i should want to live with him. 

now hes having mental issues which are because i make him feel like what he has and who he is arent “good enough”. the issues are real hes seeing 3 drs and on medications, but im not convinced they are all because of me nor do i think he should use that to guilt trip me or make me do what he wants. i want to support him while he gets healthy, but i dont think its my job to fix him, and he feels like it is. 

he is kind and loving and generous, but there are red flags & i know i dont want to live with him. we have big differences on parenting, how we run our households, and other things. 

plus i LIKE having my own space right now. 

[PJ328]

21 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Your current boyfriend notwithstanding, is living with your partner something you want in a relationship or in your mind is it ideal to live separately?

If you do want a partner that you live with and you’re still not ready with your current boyfriend after 5 years, I’d suggest it’s your subconscious telling you he isn’t long term material. 

i do want that someday but not now. and not in this situation. and i was ready to go our separate ways but now i have so much guilt over his mental health & dont want to be the reason he hurts himself by leaving when hes already so down. its so complicated but i dont think we will ever be happy unless things change. 

[Weezy1973]

None of his issues are because of you. And the fact he’s trying to blame you for them are a huge red flag. Kind of in the realm of “you made me hit you because you made me angry”. Leave him. 

[Lotsgoingon]

 

No one is on three medications because their gf refuses to listen to them or refuses to move in with them. That's beyond ridiculous. It works the other way. Mental illness causes insecurity. 

Frankly psychologists and medical folks don't know exactly why people get depressed and so on. Yes, past depression can play a role, inherited biology can play a role, neglect can play a role, current-day misery can play a role. But for every cause you name, there are people with the exact same struggles or biology who are not depressed. 

Mental health practitioners know a lot more about how to effectively treat depression (with therapy and/or meds) than they do about the causes. Having said that, mental health pros do know this: having your gf say she doesn't want to move in with now is not one of those possible causes. They have ruled that one out. And yes, I've had various mental health treatments and mental illness runs in my family--and my family is extremely high functioning, not deprived, though there is some trauma in our background. 

Now yes, a past trauma (people think) can get activated in the present by some event that emotionally resembles the trauma (in the mind of the person). But the cause here is the trauma, not the current event. 

Question to you: why are you taking this nonsense seriously? Come on! 

Two, can you see how manipulative it is that he is trying to guilt you (through his fake mental health analysis) into doing what you don't want to do. I hate to say this, but it's true: depressed people can be desperate and selfish (they are fighting for survival) and really blind and they are not good people to date. Let them come out of their depression and then they can successfully date. 

Is he threatening or suggesting that he is suicidal? That's what you call a terroristic threat. And you NEVER give into that. Any more than you would give into someone saying as long as their car is green they will never be happy and they aren't sure their life is worth living. 

BTW: relationships are selfish, profoundly so. And what couples try to do is reach agreement: that a move works for one person and for the other. This whole idea that you are supposed to just close your eyes, ignore your body, ignore your feelings and follow him--that's old sexist nonsense. I could randomly poll 100 people off the street, including drug users and alcohol addicts and homeless people--and overwhelmingly they would say no way do you have some obligation to move in with him. You move in because YOU want to. And yes he has to want you to. But YOU have to want to. Otherwise, it won't even work. You'll be pissed off from day 1. 

You know his thinking is dumb because we could just as easily flip it.

He's selfish for wanting you to move in even though you strongly believe it would be a major mistake. Isn't that one true?

 

Edited April 17, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[PJ328]

41 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 

No one is on three medications because their gf refuses to listen to them or refuses to move in with them. That's beyond ridiculous. It works the other way. Mental illness causes insecurity. 

Frankly psychologists and medical folks don't know exactly why people get depressed and so on. Yes, past depression can play a role, inherited biology can play a role, neglect can play a role, current-day misery can play a role. But for every cause you name, there are people with the exact same struggles or biology who are not depressed. 

Mental health practitioners know a lot more about how to effectively treat depression (with therapy and/or meds) than they do about the causes. Having said that, mental health pros do know this: having your gf say she doesn't want to move in with now is not one of those possible causes. They have ruled that one out. And yes, I've had various mental health treatments and mental illness runs in my family--and my family is extremely high functioning, not deprived, though there is some trauma in our background. 

Now yes, a past trauma (people think) can get activated in the present by some event that emotionally resembles the trauma (in the mind of the person). But the cause here is the trauma, not the current event. 

Question to you: why are you taking this nonsense seriously? Come on! 

Two, can you see how manipulative it is that he is trying to guilt you (through his fake mental health analysis) into doing what you don't want to do. I hate to say this, but it's true: depressed people can be desperate and selfish (they are fighting for survival) and really blind and they are not good people to date. Let them come out of their depression and then they can successfully date. 

Is he threatening or suggesting that he is suicidal? That's what you call a terroristic threat. And you NEVER give into that. Any more than you would give into someone saying as long as their car is green they will never be happy and they aren't sure their life is worth living. 

BTW: relationships are selfish, profoundly so. And what couples try to do is reach agreement: that a move works for one person and for the other. This whole idea that you are supposed to just close your eyes, ignore your body, ignore your feelings and follow him--that's old sexist nonsense. I could randomly poll 100 people off the street, including drug users and alcohol addicts and homeless people--and overwhelmingly they would say no way do you have some obligation to move in with him. You move in because YOU want to. And yes he has to want you to. But YOU have to want to. Otherwise, it won't even work. You'll be pissed off from day 1. 

You know his thinking is dumb because we could just as easily flip it.

He's selfish for wanting you to move in even though you strongly believe it would be a major mistake. Isn't that one true?

 

I appreciate your insight & advice. Yes i do feel its selfish of him to expect me to do something Im not comfortable with. and i agree about the mental illness. he does say hes suicidal, but i think those feelings come from a deeper place than our relationship. He can be very sweet, & really is the most generous person… but is also somewhat controlling, jealous, & very insecure, though he would say he isnt.  I push back when he is like that, which he doesnt like but I stand up for how I feel. (which is when words like selfish & “you only care about what u want” come out)  I dont think Im the cause of his depression, and ive told him that. I’ve also told him that i cant “fix” him. i can support him while he fixes himself. but that i have to do even that within my own boundaries. 

I do genuinely love him, but also know the kind of life i want for myself. he wants & needs 24/7 togetherness and i do not. i like having space and time apart. i need time on my own to recharge. i like living on my own right now & i dont think the way we function within our homes (beliefs, finances, parenting, cleaning, etc) would blend well together at all. 

Todays just been a rough one, and I just got a little in my head with it all. 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, PJ328 said:

 i dont think the way we function within our homes (beliefs, finances, parenting, cleaning, etc) would blend well together at all. 

You're wise to put your child first. Reconsider the relationship and let him manage his mental health better.  Keep yourself and your family happy by living in a way that's best for you and your child and makes sense to you. Don't cave to emotional extortion or strong-arming. 

[basil67]

I think it's good that you're hashing through this now.  

On one hand, I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to want to cohabitate after this amount of time. BUT it doesn't make sense if you don't fit.  And it's not going to happen if steps aren't being taken to find a bigger place.  And given the issues you've just mentioned (beliefs, finances etc etc) it sounds like it would all end badly anyway.

Given there are several significant incompatibilities between the two of you, I can't help wondering why you're still together after these years.  I don't suppose you're feeling somewhat obliged to stay because of the potential mental health ramifications if you were to end it?

Do you really love him?  Have you given yourself permission to question whether you still feel the same about him as you used to?   

Edited April 18, 2023 by basil67

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, PJ328 said:

now hes having mental issues which are because i make him feel like what he has and who he is arent “good enough”. the issues are real hes seeing 3 drs and on medications, but im not convinced they are all because of me nor do i think he should use that to guilt trip me or make me do what he wants.

No, no and NOPE.  Are you kidding?  Of course his mental health problems are not because of you, and if he is telling you that then he is completely trying to manipulate and emotionally blackmail you.  This is beyond red flag territory.  I hope you are wise enough to see through this.  I think deep down you are, and you know this guy is a parade of red flags, that is why even after being with him for 5 years, your gut is telling you not to take the step of moving in with this guy.  His mental health is NOT your responsibility.  You need to look out for yourself, and honestly you need to end this relationship.  This guy is very manipulative and immature if he thinks it's appropriate to beg, plead, and threaten to hurt himself, all as ways to try and coerce you into moving in with him.  You can do so much better than this.  Get out of this situation.

[Lotsgoingon]

Hey you're still minimizing and normalizing danger here:

he does say hes suicidal, but i think those feelings come from a deeper place than our relationship.

Come on now. You think? Come on now! ... this is fact-- that depression and suicide feelings come from a deeper place than your relationship. Do you know how many people have conflict and disagreements in romantic relationships--and I'm including great relationships?  One hundred percent! 

It's really dangerous and detrimental to your mental health to date someone threatening suicide. That's blackmail. Emotional blackmail. Or a terroristic threat. You do this or I'll do that (harm myself). 

Please be careful: this relationship cannot be stable and you're probably doing all kinds of compromising and bending and over-understanding and all of that without even consciously doing it.

He cannot be a good partner for you and threaten to kill himself at the same time. You will tiptoe around him, and that never works. That's not an equal or fair or healthy relationship. 

 

Edited April 18, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Els]

It is reasonable for a partner to want to move in together after 5 years (and also reasonable for them to want to live together before making the decision to get married), but you are absolutely correct that you should not move in with THIS man, ever. In fact, I'd strongly recommend you dump the whole man.

Why are you still in a relationship with him?

[FMW]

On 4/17/2023 at 11:58 AM, PJ328 said:

he said my son could stay with his father more or we could get a mattress to put in his basement (which is unfinished concrete and not always dry - so thats a hard no from me). 

That right there would probably be enough for me to not only not want to live with him, but to not be with him at all.  I don't think I would get past his lack of care and concern over my child.

On 4/17/2023 at 11:58 AM, PJ328 said:

now hes having mental issues which are because i make him feel like what he has and who he is arent “good enough”. the issues are real hes seeing 3 drs and on medications,

In no way are you responsible for his mental health issues.  That's incredibly manipulative and an a-hole move.

On 4/17/2023 at 11:58 AM, PJ328 said:

he is kind and loving and generous

Even if he is (and I find it hard to reconcile the above with that description), it doesn't make up for the negative. 

On 4/17/2023 at 5:45 PM, PJ328 said:

I do genuinely love him, but also know the kind of life i want for myself. he wants & needs 24/7 togetherness and i do not. i like having space and time apart. i need time on my own to recharge. i like living on my own right now & i dont think the way we function within our homes (beliefs, finances, parenting, cleaning, etc) would blend well together at all. 

 

Your reasons for not wanting to live together and your uneasy feelings about it are all you need to know.  

Don't be bullied or manipulated in to doing something you clearly do not want to do.  

[BaileyB]

As one who has recently sold my home to move in with my partner and his son (into his home while we built “our” home together), I will say - 

On 4/17/2023 at 11:58 AM, PJ328 said:

he has a very small 2 bedroom. so no space for my son (who is much older than his daughter). i also work from home and theres no where for me to work there.

No way would I move into his home if there was nowhere for my child to stay and I had nowhere to work. Trust me, everyone needs their space and it is absolutely unreasonable for him to ask you to move into his home when there is not enough space for four people to live (and work) together. 

On 4/17/2023 at 11:58 AM, PJ328 said:

about a year ago i approached finding a place together that would suit all our needs, and he was adamant that he will not do that and that we can make his place work

In other words, he’s not prepared to compromise in any way - that’s a big red flag.

On 4/17/2023 at 11:58 AM, PJ328 said:

we also discussed marriage at one point but he said hed never consider that unless i move in with him first “to see if it would work” i told him i wont give up my home & independance

Um, yeah. You (and your son) are making all the sacrifice and taking all the risk here. Of course you are not going to give up your home if your partner is not 100% committed to the relationship - that’s a no brainer. 

It was our original plan - I was going to move in with my partner and we would eventually buy or build a home together. When he asked me to move in, I said no because I was making all the sacrifice and taking all the risk (financially). The very next day, he called to say that he had a plan - and that was the only reason why we moved forward. I could see in that moment that he was committed and he made a sacrifice for us to be together. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise - it wasn’t that I didn’t love him or want to live with him… but you have to be smart about it. 

On 4/17/2023 at 11:58 AM, PJ328 said:

he said my son could stay with his father more or we could get a mattress to put in his basement (which is unfinished concrete and not always dry - so thats a hard no from me). 

Both would be a hard no from me. The fact that he could even suggest these as possible “solutions” says a lot about how he views your son and your relationship. As was said above, I don’t think I would date a man who cared so little about my child. 

On 4/17/2023 at 11:58 AM, PJ328 said:

he says after 5 years i should want to live with him. 

And I’m sure that you do, unfortunately he is unwilling to compromise to find a workable solution for everyone. 

Instead, he is attempting to guilt and manipulate you into making what you know to be a poor decision for yourself and your son. 

On 4/17/2023 at 11:58 AM, PJ328 said:

now hes having mental issues which are because i make him feel like what he has and who he is arent “good enough”. the issues are real hes seeing 3 drs and on medications

Another huge red flag - you want to move in with a man who is healthy and stable and this man is not at the moment. He is not doing well, which is why he wants the security of living with a partner. It’s not unreasonable to want to live with your partner after 5 years together, but there are just too many red flags here to make this a good idea… 

 

Edited April 19, 2023 by BaileyB

[JTSW]

On 4/17/2023 at 6:03 PM, PJ328 said:

i have so much guilt over his mental health & dont want to be the reason he hurts himself by leaving when hes already so down.

He either needs to see a therapist about this or its bs to control you.

On 4/17/2023 at 11:45 PM, PJ328 said:

but is also somewhat controlling, jealous, & very insecure,

This is abusive behaviour.

He want's you living in his house so he can keep an eye on you.

That will backfire in so many ways.

Threatening suicide? Don't fall for it.

I have seen may threads where an abusive partner threatens suicide to get what they want.

This is a very toxic relationship, one you would be wise to get out of ASAP.

[mark clemson]

Take a look at the concept of "insecure attachment" (for adults). It may explain some of his "needs". BTW, things like insecure or avoidant attachment can be "mild" so they are not always in and of themselves reasons to end a relationship, it's going to depend a lot on the specifics/intensity as well as what you find acceptable/unacceptable in a relationship.

[semble]

The whole guilt tripping thing where he blames you for his mental health issues and that you "should want to move in with him" aren't just red flags, they're blaring alarm bells.

 

[Acacia98]

On 4/17/2023 at 7:58 PM, PJ328 said:

He is kind and loving and generous, but there are red flags & i know i dont want to live with him. we have big differences on parenting, how we run our households, and other things. 

Why do you insist that he is kind, loving and generous when he clearly doesn't care about actually creating room for you and your son in his home? You might as well say, "He's gentle and wouldn't hurt a fly and slaps my son every month."

Anyway, I simply want to confirm that every single time you two broke up, you were doing the right thing. You should have stayed broken up. 

[S2B]

On 4/17/2023 at 9:58 AM, PJ328 said:

he is kind and loving and generous, but there are red flags & i know i dont want to live with him. we have big differences on parenting, how we run our households, and other things. 

plus i LIKE having my own space right now. 

He’s not kind and generous!

he’s pressuring you and making you feel badly about expressing how you feel!!!

he’s also not respecting you - at all.

you should stay in your own space while you raise your child. He SHOULD be interested in protecting his child and his home environment for his child too. But he’s not. He’s not showing solid trade marks of being kind and loving.

id end it with him - any guy willing to try making me feel badly about expressing my wishes would be out in a hot second.

this guy may have fooled you - but he’s not a good guy.

atand firm! You need a safe space for your child. You need space to make a living. AND if you like your alone time - you’ll never get that if you move with him.

I think this whole scenario proves you two aren’t a good match. Your goals don’t align.