Gay Male: Should I reconcile after 6.5 years of silence?

[Airtouch]

Hi Guys/Girls:

 

I was 19 when I started to explore my sexuality and realized I preferred men over women. I am 26 years old now.

 

While I was 19, I had met and dated three men. The last one was the one who I felt I cared about the most. He was 27 at the time so there was a few years age difference between us.

 

We dated for about 6 months and everthing seemed great. We had common interests and goals. We never fought. I thought the world of him and I assumed he felt the same; well at least to that point he never gave me a reason to think so otherwise.

 

The last time I saw him as a couple, I was leaving his house. He asked me to call him when I got home to make sure I was okay and to discuss our plans for later that evening. We were going to a party with mutual friends. Nothing out of the usual that day and he held on to me like he always did telling me he didn't want me to leave his sight...... (That was his way of telling me he cared)

 

I lived about 40 minutes away from him. When I got home, as promised, I called him to let him know I was okay. I left him a voicemail letting him know I came home in one piece. I didn't think much of it because he lived up in the Foothills where cellular/PCS reception was awful and calls going straight to voicemail were not uncommon back then. Those of you who are long time Sprint users know what I'm talking about. LOL..

 

Needless to say, he never called me back. Still, I took a shower, got dressed and proceeded to go to his house to pick him up so we could to to the party together. I get to his house and knock on the door. No answer. I see lights on but I hear nothing. He usually parked his car in the garage so I didn't assume that he was gone if there was no car in the driveway. After knocking on a few windows and checking the back door, I decided to go back to my car and wait. I kept trying to call him on my cell but my calls wouldn't go through due to poor PCS service.

 

After waiting for an hour, I called my friend who was throwing the party we were supposed to go together to and he said my BF had called earlier and advised him he wasn't going for personal reasons.

 

Okay so he called the host of the party to cancel, but didn't care to let me know? I thought it was a little strange. Still, being so young and trusting, I always gave the people I cared about the benefit of the doubt not believing he'd purposely avoid contact with me.

 

So I decided to drive back to my apartment and called my BF once I got back in area with good PCS signal. I left a voicemail stating I was a little concerned about him and hoped he'd call me later for clarification on what happened.

 

As you can probably guess by now, I never did get a callback. Over the duration of that month, I attempted to get a hold of him to no avail.

 

Three years later, I was dating a girl>> YES A GIRL<<... I was in line with her about to order tickets for a movie when I saw him walking out of the theatre holding hands with some gorgeous blonde girl of his own. When he saw me, he almost tripped on the sidewalk; and with sad eyes and I assume some embarrassment he kept walking with his date never saying a word. I suddenly felt a very juvenile awkward feeling but tried my hardest to make it oblivious to my date since it wouldn't be fair to her if I spoiled that night over some "ex" drama.

 

After that night, I kept seeing him at miscellaneous places I'd be at. I even seen him in the town I lived at while pumping gas. As soon as we'd make eye contact, he'd speed away without even saying hello. Why he was there, I don't know? This went on for a few months then he disappeared.

 

Another three years passed. I was checking my emails when I noticed someone had visited my profile at Classmates.com. This went on for a few weeks where someone kept anonymously checking out my profile there. Then, I finally get a message from a visitor at Classmates. Guess who it is? After 6.5 years of silence, I get a message that says he was sorry for "what went down" between us and how he would like to try again because he never stopped loving me.

 

As I write this, it has been one day since I've received that message but I haven't replied back yet.

 

Now I am single again and I assume he is too. The funny thing is I never stopped caring about him but the trust has obviously been broken between the two of us. Part of me wants to tell him how much I still care for him but the other part wants to tell him to take a hike for not being upfront and honest to me so long ago.

 

I'm so confused right now. I mean, I don't know the guy anymore. We have both led completely seperate lives for over 6 years without contact. No happy birthdays or happy holidays. He's now in his early 30's and I'm no longer that nieve boy clouded by youthful ignorance. Where as years ago I would never have questioned his past, now I am full aware of the many risks associated with our lifestyle and the threat of being the recipient of some form of STD scares me. I'm definitely more cautious and I attribute that to maturity.

 

I've always been a firm believer in forgiveness, but this quality in me has also been the reason people have stepped on me and at times taken me for granted.

 

I'm going to wait a few days before I reply to his message. However, I want to know if any of you readers have been in a similar situation and how things worked out.

 

Cheers...

[dr strangelove]

Well wheter its a man or a woman.

 

Heres what see about the situation. He obviously hurt you. At the same time you have an interest in him, and deep feelings.

 

I have sort of simular situation with this weirdo ex girlfriend of mine. I cant really shake her from my mind . I been dying to give it another go, even though we had alot of rough patches. I find myself saying im sorry, and now Im at a point where Im like screw this. I wouldnt blame yourself, I wouldnt exactly fall at his knees. I was going to say dont bother replying and wait if he sends another email, you should reply but no so quickly.. maybe give a few more days or a week. Reply with either I was away on vacation or something as a an excuse for not replying sooner.

 

At least hes been straight forward..I dont know what the heck my ex wants..

 

ciao

[RecordProducer]

I would reply to his message if I were you. I know you've gone through hell because of him and he did a terrible thing, but you only live once. It sounds to me like he decided not to be gay anymore, left without a word (so that you don't chase him and everything, because he wouldn't resist you), and started dating girls. Are his parents religious?

 

Don't be surprised if you find out that he is/was married and has children. Some people are under a great influence of their parents who want a certain type of woman (in his case any woman) and grandchildren.

 

If you're dating girls, I think you should be upfront about your sexual orientation from the very beginning. (Fooling a girl that everything is great and leaving her after 6 months or so for another guy would make one no better than your ex-BF. But I didn't say you'd do it. )

[loony]

Given your post, you do seem to be a very nice and forgiving person and I'm not surprised why he still has feelings lingering on for you.

 

As you obviously still have some feelings for him, I would have said, give him a chance to explain what happened that night to make him change so suddenly. He has done one mistake and you should give him the possibility to explain himself. You would be a doormat if he tried to fool you over and over again, but you have to ask yourself if he really is this kind of person and if that is how you had perceived him years ago. From your post, I rather believe that you're a forgiving person, but not a stupid one, and that's why you should and can allow yourself to give him one chance.

 

I'd reply to his email and suggest a meeting in the next day so you have the opportunity to have a talk face to face.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think if you are going to honor his request for a response, then at the very least he owes you an honest explanation regarding his 'vanishing act.' Hopefully, it's a good one.

 

We can all speculate as to what his reasons or motives were, but he's really the only one who can answer those questions for you.

 

The only thing I would caution you about, is to make sure he is finally at a place in his life where he can fully accept who he is and live his life out in the open. Please, for you own sake, never become involved with someone who (for whatever reason) feels the need to keep your relationship or friendship a 'secret.' Otherwise, there'll only be more hurt feelings to come.

 

Good luck, and guard your heart!

[RecordProducer]

he owes you an honest explanation regarding his 'vanishing act.' Hopefully, it's a good one.

 

Please, for you own sake, never become involved with someone who (for whatever reason) feels the need to keep your relationship or friendship a 'secret.' Otherwise, there'll only be more hurt feelings to come.

 

Great advice!

[Airtouch]

I would reply to his message if I were you. I know you've gone through hell because of him and he did a terrible thing, but you only live once. It sounds to me like he decided not to be gay anymore, left without a word (so that you don't chase him and everything, because he wouldn't resist you), and started dating girls. Are his parents religious?

 

Don't be surprised if you find out that he is/was married and has children. Some people are under a great influence of their parents who want a certain type of woman (in his case any woman) and grandchildren.

 

If you're dating girls, I think you should be upfront about your sexual orientation from the very beginning. (Fooling a girl that everything is great and leaving her after 6 months or so for another guy would make one no better than your ex-BF. But I didn't say you'd do it. )

 

True. When we met, he had broken up with his fiance 6 months prior because he told me he had to be honest with himself. He had pictures of her in his photo albums although he never hung up pics of her on the wall or somewhere immediately visible to anyone. She was a very beautiful woman that any straight man would die for.

 

We both come from very very religious backrounds and he had told me his mom would die of a heart attack if he ever told her his true love interests. I understand this very well given the very emotional type of woman my mother is and how traditional her morals are.

 

Like many gay/bi males, neither of us were/are very close to our fathers. I know my father was a work-a-holic so I spent many days playing "catch" with myself and he is very anti-social by nature. Neither of us are effiminite by any means so that is why I personally have no problems getting women to dance with me at clubs or bars. I no longer date women although I am still attracted to them physically and I love the attention I get from them. LOL. I've been single for almost a year so I do flirt with women and love to make a them smile. If I'm asked, I will not pursue a relationship with a woman because I do not want to hurt them.

 

I don't have any "girl" friends and socially I seem to only connect with women on a sexual level. With him and other men I could connect at an intellectual level. I just don't fit the gay mold.

 

He told me he was "born" gay and has always had an inclination or attraction to other men. In my case, I believe it was environmental and cicumstancial occurances that I developed an attraction to men. I never felt any attraction to men growing up and sincerely felt I'd be married to my high school sweetheart after graduation.

 

Our initial encounter happened after mutual eye contact over a period of months at a large shopping mall we both frequented. He pursued me and asked me out.

 

He is a professional in the public sector and I remember how young women from his office were always calling him. He is a very attractive male who is in great physical shape with a great tan so the women where he worked could not understand how a guy like him could still be single in his late 20's??

[RecordProducer]

It's very sad that you feel that you have to hide your sexual orientation from your parents. I think our parents should know all the major things about our lives. And this is a major one. You'll have to tell your parents sooner or later so the sooner the better.

 

I know you didn't bring this subject, but I will. You can still have a child if you want to; there are many lesbian women who live together and want to have a baby. A child would be happier with parents who don't live together but love him or her. Given that roughly 50% of marriages are divorced, it wouldn't be unusual for a kid to live with its mom. Or you could share custody.

 

Who you sleep with should be no one's business. It's terrible that people are open about their sexuality with total strangers, while they need to hide it from the ones who love them most and are supposed to support them in whatever they do, as long as they are doing no harm to anyone.

 

I would take Enigma's advice and find a person who's out about it and I would advise you to be out about it too. Life is easier when you don't have to be ashamed of who you are.