Not sure what to do...

[ScarredStar]

This post is going to be long and possible a little complicated, so please bear with me.

 

I really like a male friend of mine. I've liked him since last December, almost a year now. It was then we first properly introduced ourselves and we've been great friends ever since. He's in a local band and we'd chatted a few times before (just the "Hey, great gig!" variety) and I'd already began to establish a friendship with one of the other members. The night we first properly talked, he was playing a gig and he introduced himself properly and it was at that moment that it hit me how much I like him. We had a drink together in the bar and then went our seperate ways (he had invited me back to his for a party, but I couldn't make it). I will say here and now that he's got a reputation for being a ladies man. I have to give him credit though- he's barely been with anyone in the past year, I can remember 4 girls and thats nothing for him, Ive been at his place incredibly often over the past few months and I was there every weekend without fail.

 

I saw him again in January, it was my birthday and I was out celebrating with a few friends that night. I said Hi to him, he remembered me and we chatted on and off all night, just general chit chat about music and stuff, but we got on really well. We had a few drinks together and really just clicked. We hugged at the end of the night and I said I'd see him at his bands next gig a month later.

 

That time comes along, and I head to the bar with a few friends. Watched him play and then chatted to him when he came off the stage whilst the next band played. He bought me a drink, gave me his seat, gave me cigarettes and focused himself on me. I had a camera that night and I got a friend to take a photograph of both of us. He put his arms around my waist and put his face beside mine. My friend took the picture and then he started to kiss me. Of course, I kissed back. He asked me to come back to his flat, but I couldn't. I had to leave soon after, but we shared another kiss and he said he hoped he'd see me soon, and he told me that if I was ever stuck for a way home, there was absolutely no problem with crashing at his.

 

Saw him again a month later, he was playing another gig. I had no place to crash and asked him if there was any problem with crashing at his. He said there was none at all, so we left after the gig. It was all completely innocent (at first anyway!) and we got to his and collapsed on the sofa to watch a film. Then he put his legs right across mine so he was stretched on the sofa and I laughed and said something about making himself comfortable and he said "It's my flat, I intend to!" in a humourous way. Then he told me to make myself comfortable and I lay down on his chest and we snuggled up on the sofa. Then one thing led to another and we moved to the bedroom, where we had sex. The next day, everything was fine, no awkwardness, nothing, and I sat in his with him and his flatmate watching films and chatting. I went to leave and he walked me to the door and kissed me again, and told me he hopes this all happened again another time. I left feeling good and hoping our friendship could progress.

 

How wrong was I.

 

The next time I saw him, he ignored me. He made any excuse he could to stay away from me. The time after that, he invited me for a drink with him and then he ****ed off to talk to his mates! Naturally, I wasn't impressed. I got talking to his bandmate and friend and we eventually started seeing each other and pushed all thoughts of the guy I like to the back of my mind. (We recently split up though). The guy apologised soon afterwards for his behaviour and I accepted it. As far as I was concerned, whats done is done and apologising is the only thing he can do. We then embarked on a wonderful friendship. I was at his once or twice during the week and often called up on weekends when my then boyfriend was at work. We went out together in the same group of friends, so we saw each other often. I went back to his for parties afterwards to, as did my then boyfriend. Everything was great.

 

One night when we were in the pub and my now ex was out headbanging to some band, the guy I like sat beside me and said that he was sorry for hoow he treated me after we slept together. I said it was alright, he'd apologised and that's all that mattered. He said it wasn't alright and he could do nothing to right it. I gave him a hug and looked him straight in the eye and said "Really, it IS okay". I had difficultly convincing him, but I think he's got the message now.

 

I still liked the guywhen I was with my boyfriend, but I was falling in love with my boyfriend and didn't let it get to me. Life continued like this for five months. Then my boyfriend and I split up.

 

The first person I went to was the guy I like. I poured my heart out and sat crying in his flat until 6am the next morning. My guy had been seeing someone else and I was completely heartbroken. The guy I like was so angry at my ex for hurting me, called him names, made me tea, bought me some nice comfort food, gave me his bed to crash in whilst he slept on the sofa, constantly hugged and reassured me and said I was too good for my ex in the first place. He well and truly was there for me. He still just gives me hugs for the sake of it when he feels I need them. He rang me to make sure I was okay during the week when I was home and not at his. That's when my feelings for him started to creep back up again.

 

As it stands, we get on great and I'd like to take things to the next level, but I'm not sure if it'd be worth it as he's not really the relationship kind of guy. To be honest, I don't know if he likes me in the same way or not and I'm not sure what signs I should be looking for. He calls me his wee dote and all that and we hug a lot, but I'm not sure if he's being friendly just. Any help would be appreciated.

 

Sorry this is so long!!!

[Mary3]

Not to generalize musicians but they have an *on the road* lifestyle.

They are used to women flocking around them.

Some do decide to marry and stay faithful and try to take their wives on the road.

The other majority might really enjoy the care free lifestyle .

Some percentage use drugs to keep up all night.

If someone warned you that this band member was a * ladies man * meaning he always had girls around and possibly was sleeping with them, you might want to take that bit of advice and keep your eyes open.

 

Do you see him as boyfriend material ? Maybe he does not have girlfriends in monogamous way. Maybe his lifestyle is city to city , pub to pub, girl to girl.

 

He might be all of these things or none of these things.

 

He treats you like gold. Was that to get you to sleep with him ? Or is he just a warm caring nuturing man who loves his music, his freedom and his lifestyle.

 

I would ask him if he ever thought of having a girlfriend he can share his life with. Might that be you ?

[morrigan]

Be honest that you would like to be in a relationship with him and ask if he feels the same. If he hedges or makes excuses, then you're going to have to accept being just being friends or friends with benefits with him.

 

It's a good idea to be realistic, some musicians are great guys to know, but many times the music comes first. Some of them enjoy their freedom and not having to be encumbered with anything on a regular basis.

 

Don't have sex with him again unless you're fine with the idea that there's probably not going to be any actual relationship between you two. This guy seems to prefer casual sex or fwb to anything serious. There's nothing wrong with that, just don't believe you can change his mind if he says he doesn't want to get involved with you.