A married woman of 10 years wants an extra marital affair

[Khan999]

Hi everyone how are you, all is well this is my story.  A little about me I am 32 years old and single. I belong to a country called Pakistan. I lived most of my life in the middle east, then for work, I went 
to Dubai. I have spent almost 7 years there, I am currently in Pakistan. Recently I applied for a student in Australia to pursue my Postgraduate Studies in Accounting. Luckily my visa has been granted 
but in the meantime, I am studying online and will go after a month. In our law class, the professor made a grouping of 5 students for the assignment when it was my turn the space was filled and one
 girl left now the professor said we both can work on the assignment now. 

She is 28 years old married for 10 years and has a daughter from day one she started speaking more about herself and we were bearly discussing the assignment she is not happy with her marriage I tried to ignore her and said he is your husband try to give some space and everything, but she doesn't listen when I ask what happened she doesn't share she says he doesn't care for her and they barely talk she just want to be with me I try to explain in a polite way but she doesn't want to listen 

she is getting so obsessed that she Facetime for 5 hours, of course, I don't want to show that I am that good guy, of course, I speak as well but day by day things are getting deeper yesterday I said it's unfair with your husband I don't feel this is right she becomes emotional and said she is getting anxiety attacks I am worried I have not landed yet in Sydney this is happening I don't know when I will go there what will happen, she says I don't expect anything from you but you cannot stop me loving you, I already explained to her that this is wrong but whenever I talk about her relation she gets very emotional and says she is having anxiety attacks. I honestly feel this is wrong, but her obsession towards me getting higher day by day yes I do like her she is nice but I am also hesitant and I keep my feelings to myself I don't want her current relationship to be split sometimes she says just keep this way and I don't want to think for tomorrow but I am also a human for how long I will ignore this way I also have toxic relations before I don't want more drama in my life. It's almost 3 weeks now this is happening I tried 3 times to be straightforward with her I mean like hard behaviour then she starts crying not sure what to do here, her obsession is making me kind of worried. But all of this is happening I was kind of amazed she is also participating in the other group assignments and is already doing well in other subjects when I ask about her studies she doesn't say much and I come to know she already joined other groups of Accounts and other subjects I mean I was amazed she didn't even tell me this when she knows that I have had issues communicating with other students due to different time zone and when I argue she said you never ask me etc. Sometimes I feel I don't know what I am doing. A very confusing situation.

[Khan999]

Any advice will be valuable. Kind of lost!

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Khan999 said:

I don't want more drama in my life.

Well then, you need to stop talking with the married woman.

It’s not possible for her to have an affair if you block her calls and stop FaceTiming with her. I would do that - tonight. No explanations required. Just block. 

[basil67]

If I understand correctly, you and she are part of a five student group who are working on an assignment.  Is this right?

[Wiseman2]

If you have to interact for academic reasons, steer the conversions away from her marital problems. Simply say "maybe you should see a therapist",  then change the subject.

If she persists,  you'll have to be honest and tell her you can't discuss this. The best approach of course is to delete and block her from ALL your social media and messaging apps, if possible.

 

[Khan999]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Well then, you need to stop talking with the married woman.

It’s not possible for her to have an affair if you block her calls and stop FaceTiming with her. I would do that - tonight. No explanations required. Just block. 

Thank you for your reply, actually, I cannot simply block her as she is part of my college assignment and we both have to submit the final assignment to pass the semester, our professor made the group in which she and I are doing it. I am just afraid I don't want to highlight this matter to the management just trying my own ways to solve the issue.

[Khan999]

57 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If I understand correctly, you and she are part of a five student group who are working on an assignment.  Is this right?

No actually what happened was all class groups were full, she and I left so the professor said now you two left so better work together he reduced some load as well as we are two of a group and the other groups have 5 members. Please excuse me my English is not good. 

[Khan999]

52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you have to interact for academic reasons, steer the conversions away from her marital problems. Simply say "maybe you should see a therapist",  then change the subject.

If she persists,  you'll have to be honest and tell her you can't discuss this. The best approach of course is to delete and block her from ALL your social media and messaging apps, if possible.

 

Thank you I already tried this in the first week, but to be honest, nothing worked I will try these methods again.

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Khan999 said:

she is getting so obsessed that she Facetime for 5 hours

If you don't want to get involved don't Facetime with her unless it's with the group.  Tell her you have no interest in dating a married woman.  Be blunt.  Also if she's acting this way something tells me you aren't the first one she's done this to or her first affair.  If she's that miserable with her husband tell her to get a divorce.  Don't get involved because you don't know what kind of trouble this will bring to you.   He could hurt you and ruin your reputation.

[mark clemson]

How does the law treat people who have affairs in Pakistan?

If it's quite severe, you might avoid having one just so that you AND she don't have to face severe consequences.

The consequences CAN be bad enough without legal ramifications, e.g. breakup of a family, the social and financial issues of a divorce, long-term bitterness on the part of the betrayed spouse, etc, etc, etc. Putting things like prison time on top of that makes it even more worth RE-considering whether it's worth it.

[Khan999]

20 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

How does the law treat people who have affairs in Pakistan?

If it's quite severe, you might avoid having one just so that you AND she don't have to face severe consequences.

The consequences CAN be bad enough without legal ramifications, e.g. breakup of a family, the social and financial issues of a divorce, long-term bitterness on the part of the betrayed spouse, etc, etc, etc. Putting things like prison time on top of that makes it even more worth RE-considering whether it's worth it.

Well she is in Sydney and she is not from my nationality so this doesn't apply

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Khan999 said:

No actually what happened was all class groups were full, she and I left so the professor said now you two left so better work together he reduced some load as well as we are two of a group and the other groups have 5 members. Please excuse me my English is not good. 

So it's just the two of you in the assignment?  Sounds like you need to be much stronger and more blunt in saying "NO" to her.  The woman sounds like an emotional vampire!

Tell her that you're very busy and don't have time or desire to have these long personal calls.  Tell her that you're here for the assignment only and that you need her to respect her boundaries.   If she cries or begs, tell her to stop it.    Tell her you'll end the call if she's not ready to work.

Do not use the words please or sorry because it will soften your message. 

[Khan999]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

So it's just the two of you in the assignment?  Sounds like you need to be much stronger and more blunt in saying "NO" to her.  The woman sounds like an emotional vampire!

Tell her that you're very busy and don't have time or desire to have these long personal calls.  Tell her that you're here for the assignment only and that you need her to respect her boundaries.   If she cries or begs, tell her to stop it.    Tell her you'll end the call if she's not ready to work.

Do not use the words please or sorry because it will soften your message. 

Yes we are just two Thank you so much for this message I truly need that kind of support honestly. 

[Khan999]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

If you don't want to get involved don't Facetime with her unless it's with the group.  Tell her you have no interest in dating a married woman.  Be blunt.  Also if she's acting this way something tells me you aren't the first one she's done this to or her first affair.  If she's that miserable with her husband tell her to get a divorce.  Don't get involved because you don't know what kind of trouble this will bring to you.   He could hurt you and ruin your reputation.

Very valid point I truly agree with you on it. '''Also if she's acting this way something tells me you aren't the first one she's done this to or her first affair'''  Even yesterday she told me she shared her relation about me to a ''''friend'''' now that guy is working with her he was ex collegue.   

[ExpatInItaly]

You're going to be pursuing post-grad studies. 

This indicates you are an intelligent man. Do you really need help figuring out how to resolve this? The answer is very simple: stop it. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Khan999 said:

  Even yesterday she told me she shared her relation about me to a ''''friend'''' now that guy is working with her he was ex collegue.   

Please stop sharing personal information with this woman. It would be wise to focus solely on your academics and professionalism. Discontinue all one-on-one chatting and remain impersonal at all times. You're not a victim, you have complete control over the situation by not entertaining it. 

Keep in mind that all electronic communications have records and can be stored,  forwarded or posted anywhere. So there's nothing confidential about your communication with her. She could make this look quite bad for you.

Edited April 20, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Khan999]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're going to be pursuing post-grad studies. 

This indicates you are an intelligent man. Do you really need help figuring out how to resolve this? The answer is very simple: stop it. 

Thank you for your kind words I really appreciate

[Khan999]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please stop sharing personal information with this woman. It would be wise to focus solely on your academics and professionalism. Discontinue all one-on-one chatting and remain impersonal at all times. You're not a victim, you have complete control over the situation by not entertaining it. 

Keep in mind that all electronic communications have records and can be stored,  forwarded or posted anywhere. So there's nothing confidential about your communication with her. She could make this look quite bad for you.

Thank you very much yes I am ,kind of worried this is what I will be doing now. 

[mark clemson]

22 hours ago, Khan999 said:

Well she is in Sydney and she is not from my nationality so this doesn't apply

Ah fair enough. I think you need to make a decision - either go with this or don't. You need to decide for yourself what you really want to do.

You could consider how divorce might impact her in Australia - and the risks she is taking. That should factor in to your decision making.

You could always tell her to come back to you when she's actually divorced and see what she does. Chances are she won't divorce. The problem with that is she might get divorced and then things don't work out for you. In fairness, she should probably only get divorced IF she's really going to do that anyhow, with or without you.

Or you could simply have an affair, it's certainly common enough. You would probably enjoy it, although you would also probably feel guilty. However, it's likely to cause problems for one or both of you eventually - they often do. Typically the two people don't end up together, so there is "heartbreak". That's on the low end of the "problems" scale. Other problems would be worse or on top of that. There could easily be a divorce, there's a small, but real, possibility her husband could become violent, etc, etc.

So you have a lot to consider here.

The straightforward thing to do is tell her to stop with this and ignore her anytime anything moves beyond "appropriate". That can be easier said than done, but is the most straightforward thing to do.

Good luck.

[JTSW]

I can see you are a really good guy and you are trying your best to be as kind as possible. 

But this approach is no longer working and you need to get tough with her. 

Tell her firmly that you will only talk her about the assignment only.

If she tries to talk about anything else inappropriate, hang up or end the video call until she gets the message.

Be firm with her.

[smackie9]

You have total control over this...block and delete. Don't let those tears/threats fool you...it's just manipulation. 

[Khan999]

Life Update about this relation - 

Hi everyone I am continuing the post. So I made the mistake of falling for her love even knowing she is married. I was unable to manage my emotions  I am in Australia, first 3 weeks went well, but then all of a sudden fights appear and everything changed. We have known each for 4 months, and now she is complaining that I am controlling her, I don't trust her I ask her where she goes what she does all the time, and why she is talking to unknown men, yes I did ask some times I will be honest I find her personality very pleasing and desperate and I was trying to conceive in a way to stop this act which she said I am 29 and I can't change now things goes worse here last Sunday we had a huge argument I was so upset as I am new to Australia I am handling so much pressure my job search, my studies, looking for permanent space. My mental health is affected a lot. I was speaking to her and all of a sudden her colleague came she started talking to him I was on a call with her and then she was like can I make coffee for you let's sit together and have coffee and laughed she was aware of my situation I was so upset and told her you are desperate than we finished talking than again she called me and said you are worse than my husband and this point hit me very very hard I said that's why you are with me and cheating behind his back. Things got worse we are over now the current situation she says I don't love you but still we can talk and if we have luck we will be together again in the meantime she says she wants to focus on herself, she is not mentally stable and going to the physiologist. She says self-love is her priority when I said what about my emotions she said think from your mind my mental health is important or your emotions. She says she cannot give time to her daughter because of that. I honestly don't know what to write more.

[MsJayne]

You need to run a mile from this woman. The last thing you should be dealing with in a new country is some desperate married airhead manipulating you into a sordid affair. What sort of person starts dumping their marital problems on a fellow student they've only just met? There are plenty of gorgeous single Aussie women, you don't need to be involved with a married one with no morals. You say you get annoyed when she interacts with other men - her husband probably feels the same way, but he has a lot more to worry about than you do. When she says self-love is her priority, she's telling the truth, she doesn't really care about anyone but herself.  I'm not surprised your mental health is suffering, I wouldn't be surprised if her husband has depression too, because people like her never get depression, they're just carriers, they give it to other people. My advice is dump her as quickly as you can. I predict that if you do that her massive ego will make her come chasing after you, and the more you ignore, the more she'll beg. She is very, very bad news, and the way you're feeling is your physical self sending you a warning. Also, just a word of advice on a separate issue.....women are equal to men here, you can't demand that they behave how you want them to or demand to know where they've been or who they've been talking to. Far better just to find a partner you know you can trust. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Khan999 said:

We have known each for 4 months, and now she is complaining that I am controlling her, I don't trust her I ask her where she goes what she does all the time, and why she is talking to unknown men

Well, now you know what her husband feels like… I bet she complains that he is too controlling and doesn’t like/trust that she talks or has sex with other men…
 

2 hours ago, Khan999 said:

I find her personality very pleasing

I’m not sure why - 

She is disrespectful, manipulative, argumentative, and dismissive… but you find her personality “very pleasing.” 

I would say that you need to raise your standards. 
 

2 hours ago, Khan999 said:

She says she wants to focus on herself, she is not mentally stable and going to the physiologist.

I said what about my emotions she said think from your mind my mental health is important or your emotions.

When she says that she is not stable - believe her.

The fact that you are looking for support for your own mental health and emotional self-regulation from an unavailable woman who has told you that she is unstable herself is a HUGE problem for you. Your mental health is not her responsibility - it’s yours. And second, she doesn’t care. She has her own mental health issues to deal with and a husband waiting for her at home… You are the least of her concerns…

Edited July 20, 2023 by BaileyB

[Khan999]

22 hours ago, MsJayne said:

You need to run a mile from this woman. The last thing you should be dealing with in a new country is some desperate married airhead manipulating you into a sordid affair. What sort of person starts dumping their marital problems on a fellow student they've only just met? There are plenty of gorgeous single Aussie women, you don't need to be involved with a married one with no morals. You say you get annoyed when she interacts with other men - her husband probably feels the same way, but he has a lot more to worry about than you do. When she says self-love is her priority, she's telling the truth, she doesn't really care about anyone but herself.  I'm not surprised your mental health is suffering, I wouldn't be surprised if her husband has depression too, because people like her never get depression, they're just carriers, they give it to other people. My advice is dump her as quickly as you can. I predict that if you do that her massive ego will make her come chasing after you, and the more you ignore, the more she'll beg. She is very, very bad news, and the way you're feeling is your physical self sending you a warning. Also, just a word of advice on a separate issue.....women are equal to men here, you can't demand that they behave how you want them to or demand to know where they've been or who they've been talking to. Far better just to find a partner you know you can trust. 

Thank you so much for your great advise I am just trying on it.