Balancing a medical future and love life

[LonelySigma]

Hello all,

In two years of undergraduate, I have kept myself occupied with extracurriculars, research, and personal endeavors. I am focused on the premed program as a priority oriented to applying successfully to an MD/PhD program (MSTP). Obviously, this consumes a lot of my time.

My concern is that I am letting a lot of potential love partners leave me. In the current semester, I caught feelings toward someone but was unsure of how to address those feelings with this person. I also feared I could not devote the amount of time to loving them the way that I would want to without sacrificing time for my academics and personal projects. Overthinking such things did not go well: someone else took her heart.

This hurt a bit, especially seeing them together on campus all the time. The guy that she is with is not a premed student and is not a particularly academically-driven student in general, so he has all the time in the world to love her the way I wish I could.

All in all, I am curious if seeking a partner in premed is something I should attempt or not even concern myself with (there are not many fellow premed partners to choose from, though I am also open to seeking partners within other disciplines). Loneliness is difficult to navigate as a premed, but it's what we have to do. Ultimately, I just wish I could have someone on this journey with me.

Any and all thoughts are appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, LonelySigma said:

. Loneliness is difficult to navigate as a premed, but it's what we have to do. Ultimately, I just wish I could have someone on this journey with me.

Try to join some groups and clubs, particularly study groups and special interest groups and clubs. While your curriculum and goals are rigorous, you don't have to be a monk for the next several years.

Keep in mind if you do get a MSTP grant and are accepted to a MD/PhD program you'll be even busier for several years.

You can socialize more and try some dating apps. There are plenty of highly educated people who have successful relationships.

Even though you're busy with studies and research, you'll have to learn to balance your academic/professional life with your personal/social life. In fact, it's vital to prevent burnout to begin to balance these aspects.

Try speaking with some of your advisors and counselors about this.

[JTSW]

A potential partner doesn't have to be a pre-med student.

It's not about their field, it's about whether you connect with them or not.

You seem to have strict notions about it.

Just go with the flow. 

Talk to people casually and see where it takes you.

 

[mark clemson]

Compatibility isn't just about the two people. It's also about the time in each of their lives and what may be going on with them. People who love each other break up all the time due to e.g. leaving for college or a new job in another state, family responsibilities, etc, etc. What you're experiencing is all "part of the game".

Med school is all about sacrifice "now" for future gain (that's one way to look at it anyhow). Life is a marathon not a sprint and there should be plenty of time to court women on your Fridays off one day (if you aren't too caught up with golfing).

OR find a woman/establish a relationship now, where the parameters fit your life. (You don't really have a choice in this matter anyhow.) Someone who can be there for you at the few times when you're not super busy, etc. Hopefully there is someone like this you can find.

I notice you seem to be defining yourself as a "sigma male". I'd suggest you be cautious about how you define yourself and also generally around the "manosphere" stuff that's out there. While, like most of these things there some truth to some of it some of the time, I think often this stuff does more harm than good for most. Many folks seem to pick up attitudes that make it harder, not easier, to attract women from this stuff. From what I can see, it tends to keep them "stuck" WRT developing good relationships.

Every woman is different, and certainly there will be some who go for the "strong, silent type" (if that's what a sigma male is). However, statistically speaking, women tend to like men who are good conversationalists, and specifically not men who 10 minutes into a date are talking about how lonely and bitter they are and spouting negative stereotypes about women. Imagine if a woman on a date did that to a man (and there are some who do) and you can see how off-putting it would be. But manosphere stuff can easily result in exactly that, keeping lonely guys genuinely stuck in a rut.

Anyhow, if you want to learn more about how women operate and what they tend to find attractive you might check out "A Billion Wicked Thoughts" when you have a few spare hours. Maybe just the chapters on female attraction, since it's a long read and you're quite busy. IF you can figure out ways to apply some of what's in there, you may find it quite helpful WRT dating/attracting women.

Anyhow, I wish you the best of luck. Presumably as a medical practitioner you will have a bright future ahead of you, one way or another.

Edited April 21, 2023 by mark clemson

[LonelySigma]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I notice you seem to be defining yourself as a "sigma male". I'd suggest you be cautious about how you define yourself and also generally around the "manosphere" stuff that's out there. While, like most of these things there some truth to some of it some of the time, I think often this stuff does more harm than good for most. Many folks seem to pick up attitudes that make it harder, not easier, to attract women from this stuff. From what I can see, it tends to keep them "stuck" WRT developing good relationships.

Hello, thank you for your constructive response, it really helps. 

To address the quoted, I would like to mention that I do not mean to come across as outwardly boasting that I am a Sigma Male. Instead, I really only intended to put "sigma" in the user because it was a somewhat (80%) accurate characterization of myself (my friends identify me as that). It is really meant to say that I am independent, ambitious, high achieving (by undergrad standards), and mostly satisfied by myself (I used to be happy on my own until my initial attraction to someone, for which this post is written). 

[Alpacalia]

A cousin dated casually when he was in med-school. Now he has a steady girlfriend.

I imagine it is hard to find someone outside of the field to understand the rigorous demands med-school places. Then again, you never know what could come out of it! If you don't have 3 hours/week (avg less than 30 minutes/day) for a night out or dinner together, or a chat, or a walk, that's a sad soul.

There can be patience and understanding on the part of your significant other and friends when you can't always make time for everything as some of their other friends can. The kind of people you surround yourself with may have an impact on your performance in medical school. A demanding and clingy partner, or someone who demands a lot of your time, can negatively affect your academic performance. In contrast, if you have friends or a significant other who are supportive, willing to listen to your troubles, and who can help you decompress, then that can be incredibly helpful.

Anything that brings you even a little joy should be fully embraced during med-school, to help prevent having your heart and soul crushed by the demands of the program.

[ShyViolet]

How old are you, and how many years of intensive schooling do you have left?

[LonelySigma]

Hello, I am 20 years old and I am currently a second-year undergrad. I have two more years of undergrad and about 7-9 years of MD/PhD program (depending on acceptance and the program). Honestly, I have relatively more time in college than I would in professional school. Though, I partake in many ambitious projects, such as translational materials science research (which I devised and am the sole investigator), entrepreneurial program working to become an IBO, and developed an online e-magazine for aspirant STEM professionals. 

Admittedly, I love doing these projects and for a time they were the only thing on my mind. They made me really excited to get up in the morning and I looked forward to every day. Though, more recently, having just let someone take my crush, I began to lose the enthusiasm. It's like the bitter-tasting pain that came from seeing her with someone else is interfering with my passions for my projects. I must also mention, I did not have a crush when these projects began.

To offer pieces of advice that I have been listening to recently, it has been reiterated to me that I should just focus solely on myself and these projects and allow a woman to walk into my life rather than pursue them, because success is attractive to most people in general. But, of course, that is what I have been doing (until my recent crush) and I am afraid of being alone for a long time if I re-follow that lifestyle I had before (even though I was genuinely content being alone).