Would you find this offensive?

[NomiMalone]

I have been renovating my home since November, working with the same builder the entire time. 

Recently I found out by accident that he refers to me as “the Mexican” to a supplier (my builder accidentally sent me a text that was meant for the supplier.) 

I have dark hair, brown eyes and an olive complexion. However, I’m not Mexican, and my builder has actually never asked me what ethnicity I am. 

Is it normal for me to feel offended that he doesn’t use my name when referring to me in conversation with others? 

[ShyViolet]

Of course, that's very rude of him.  Whether or not he was correct in guessing your ethnicity is not the point.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

Is it normal for me to feel offended that he doesn’t use my name when referring to me in conversation with others? 

He should have used "my client'. Perhaps he's too rough around the edges and ignorant. However you're not friends so if he's doing decent work for reasonable prices, let the job finish and don't recommend or hire him again.

[Alpacalia]

No, it is not normal or acceptable for a builder to refer to you as "the Mexican" when they have never asked you what your ethnicity is. This type of language is inappropriate and can be considered discriminatory. It is important to talk to the builder about the incident and make it clear that this type of language is not acceptable. If necessary, contact the relevant authorities to make a formal complaint.

Then again, this is someone who does not find it polite to wish someone happy holidays and they are unable to reciprocate. It's so simple and yet it can be so hard for some people to show common courtesy. It's a small gesture that can make such a big difference. It makes me realize how much work we still have to do to build a more polite and respectful society.

Simply removing them from my peripheral vision does the trick.

[Measure]

LOL 

Well in this day and age yes, many people would be offended.

However I personally would not be offended.  I’ve been called much worse.  I’d just laugh and start calling him by a nickname as well.  If he referred to me as “the Mexican” I’d probably start calling him “chingadera”.  It just basically means small useless thing you can’t remember the name of.  

[NomiMalone]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, I appreciate them!

@wiseman2 - You’re right that he’s rough around the edges and ignorant. There’s been numerous instances throughout the renovation where he’s acted inappropriately and I’ve just brushed it under the carpet, with the view that it’s not my job to educate him on his behaviour. (E.g. About a month into the job he started bombarding me with texts of links to Tiktok/FB videos, and I had to ask him a few times to stop before he did.)

But for some reason, I just can’t seem to forgive this particular insult and I hate that I’m dwelling so much on it.

I wouldn’t have minded at all if he’d referred to me as “the Hispanic lady”, or “the Latina client”, or even “the girl with the darkish skin” etc, because I AM all of these things. But I’m not Mexican, and I’m offended that he appears to think everyone with a South American appearance is Mexican. Yes, I realise that his blunder stems from his extreme ignorance, and not malice, but it doesn’t mitigate the hurtfulness. 

Fortunately his work is excellent, he is extremely knowledgeable and reliable, and apart from his lack of manners, the renovation has been completely stress-free. 

@Alpacalia - Ugghhh I highly doubt that he (or the type of men he hangs around) would even understand WHY he was rude, if I tried to explain it to him. He’s never once addressed me by my name, and I doubt he’s even bothered to learn what it is. No doubt there’re loads of people out there like him who behave like that and never learnt (or don’t want to learn) that it’s actually rude. 

Edited April 22, 2023 by NomiMalone

[Alpacalia]

It's more about him, you can bet.  

I'd tell you to ignore him, but he's referred to you as "the Mexican" several times and is sending you videos. Feeling uncomfortable makes no sense, does it? Particularly since you are paying him for his work. Clearly, he knows your name, he just refuses to use it.

As you mentioned, even if he had referred to you as “the Hispanic lady” or “the Latina client”, it would still be impolite and unprofessional.

Mexican isn't even your ethnicity.

Edited April 22, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, NomiMalone said:

Fortunately his work is excellent, he is extremely knowledgeable and reliable, and apart from his lack of manners, the renovation has been completely stress-free. 

You'll have to try to get the job done and wrap up the renovations. He's not a friend or family so there's no need for any form of personal communication. Try not to take this so personally. He's a talented but ignorant bonehead. Not a friend.  He probably has stupid pejorative names for all his clientele.

Unfortunately sometimes I have to deal with the best person for the job, whether I like them or not and they may be total morons outside of whatever the expertise is. But I am not trying to be friends with these people or teach them manners.

Become detached from this and focus on getting the renovations completed. It certainly doesn't behove you to make waves and "report" him for anything. When the job is being done to your satisfaction. He's a jerk, it's that simple.

Edited April 22, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, NomiMalone said:

 I’m not Mexican, and I’m offended that he appears to think everyone with a South American appearance is Mexican. 

"Mexican" in itself is a nationality not a slur or an insult. Try not to take offense. Keep professional boundaries and don't worry about his ignorance.

[LuckyM]

He is uncouth and he does not think it is rude. It's not a slur.  Avoid eye contact ...0 or if it really bothers you then mention your nationality to him casually. Like by the way...in a conversation about the work

[mark clemson]

I'd certainly find it off-putting, and I'd say there's a solid chance it reveals more negatives about his personality/views than he realizes. He knows it's rude or he wouldn't avoid doing it around you.

However, this is a business arrangement. When the building is done, you go on your merry way and so does he. You don't have to give him recommendations/referrals or anything if he's shown he doesn't warrant them in your view.

[stillafool]

Other than the fact that I am not from Mexico, it wouldn't bother me to be called "a Mexican" anymore than it bothers me to be called "an American".   I certainly wouldn't view it as an insult.

[BrinnM]

That’s extremely disrespectful & rude, yes, and I would be offended, too, not by the word “Mexican”, but by the fact that he talks disrespectfully behind your back. He should call you Ms. XY when he texts his supplier, or refer to the job site by stating the address, ie “hey for the project on 246 Main Street we need more cement” or whatever. 

At the same time I honestly don’t want to know what people call me when I’m not there, and/or how people talk about me behind my back. I’d probably be devastated haha. We all would be, probably.

And OMG good contractors are sooooo hard to find these days. I’m glad that at least he’s reliable and hopefully he’ll be done soon and moving on to the next job. 
 

BTW - did you point it out to him that he sent the text to the wrong recipient? That would’ve been your perfect opportunity to say something. 

[NomiMalone]

On 5/2/2023 at 7:49 AM, BrinnM said:

That’s extremely disrespectful & rude, yes, and I would be offended, too, not by the word “Mexican”, but by the fact that he talks disrespectfully behind your back. He should call you Ms. XY when he texts his supplier, or refer to the job site by stating the address, ie “hey for the project on 246 Main Street we need more cement” or whatever. 

At the same time I honestly don’t want to know what people call me when I’m not there, and/or how people talk about me behind my back. I’d probably be devastated haha. We all would be, probably.

And OMG good contractors are sooooo hard to find these days. I’m glad that at least he’s reliable and hopefully he’ll be done soon and moving on to the next job. 
 

BTW - did you point it out to him that he sent the text to the wrong recipient? That would’ve been your perfect opportunity to say something. 

Thanks @BrinnM! Yes, “Mrs XY” or by the address is definitely how I would refer to clients to other business contacts. Come to think of it, the builder using a derogatory nickname for me in front of suppliers just makes HIM look bad!

Yeah good contractors are so hard to find. I interviewed quite a few builders before choosing this one. The rest of them were late to the meeting, and one didn’t show up!

I didn’t bring up the text at all to my builder - I figured it’s not my job to educate him. I also don’t think people like him are open to constructive criticism, and I didn’t want to risk making the rest of the renovations awkward. I just want the work done, and him out of my life asap! 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

 - I figured it’s not my job to educate him.. I just want the work done, and him out of my life asap! 

Agree. If the workmanship is good just focus on getting the job done. Decent contractors can be hard to find. Whatever ignorance he has in other areas isn't worth getting into with someone like this.

[NomiMalone]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. If the workmanship is good just focus on getting the job done. Decent contractors can be hard to find. Whatever ignorance he has in other areas isn't worth getting into with someone like this.

Definitely!

[Alpacalia]

Personality matters so much in establishing a trust relationship and whether or not you enjoy the process. Choosing the person to work with is our first "trust" olive branch. Respect and trust are what we expect in return.

Be more concerned about quality than rudeness. When the quality is good, there is no need to complain online about how the inevitable confrontations are handled unless you are willing to step up your own game to force the issue.

Many contractors do good work but are not great at business. Or at the personal interaction side. Or the communication side. They quickly reach a level where they can no longer be afforded by the average joe if they are good at it all. Building is stressful for everyone. It does not make you or your contractor "wrong" if you handle conflicts differently. It just makes the person who avoids the confrontation to vent to strangers the one who is avoiding truly dealing with the issue directly.