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Am I overreacting?


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Hi. I’m new so not sure if this is in the right place. A bit of context…me (33) and my OH (29) have been together for nearly 2 years. At the beginning of our relationship he said how he wants to marry me one day and have kids with me. Nearly 2 years on he seems to have changed his mind. He still wants to marry me but now he doesn’t know if he wants to have kids. This broke my heart. 

When I was 21 I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks pregnant. Ever since I have been terrified that it will happen again. My OH knows this and in the past has said that he will support me if this happens again. 

For the last 6 months I have felt that something is missing and that I long to be a mother. I have tried talking to him about it but previously he has just said that he isn’t in the right frame of mind to think about having children. 

Quite recently when I have brought this up he has then told me that he doesn’t know if he wants children. 

Ideally I would like to start trying at the end of the year as I don’t want to wait a long time to start trying and then find out we may struggle. The biological clock is ticking and I know that the woman’s eggs reduce all the time and that from 35 it may get harder to conceive…I know it’s not impossible though. Plus I have just found out that I possibly have PCOS which again I know is not impossible to conceive with. I’m not trying to be negative but more realistic. When I explained this to my OH he thought I meant that I want us to start trying right now but I said by the end of the year. 

Since he said that he doesn’t know if he wants children, I have tried to resign myself to not having children. But then the other night he said about having children because he knows how important it is to me. This made me feel so conflicted as I don’t want to make him miserable by having children when he doesn’t want to. 

I love this man so much and I can’t imagine my life without him. I am willing to forgo children so I don’t loose him. Am I overreacting? Any advice would be helpful as he is the first man that I have ever thought I would have a future with.

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18 minutes ago, Jeselou7 said:

Since he said that he doesn’t know if he wants children

Sorry this is happening. It's heartbreaking that you want to start a family but he isn't sure or changed his mind on this matter.

Do you live together? Do you both work? Are you both financially secure enough to take care of a child?

How exactly does he explain his change of heart or hesitation?

Be true to yourself. If you want a family, you'll regret not having one.

 

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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It's heartbreaking that you want to start a family but he isn't sure or changed his mind on this matter.

Do you live together? Do you both work? Are you both financially secure enough to take care of a child?

How exactly does he explain his change of heart or hesitation?

Be true to yourself. If you want a family, you'll regret not having one.

 

Yeah we both live together and we both work. I know finances need to be available but how many people in this climate are financially stable?  
 

He hasn’t really explained his reasons why he doesn’t know if he wants them. 
 

I honestly don’t want to loose him and it scares me to think that if he has kids he’s gonna resent me. 

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If you are truly hell bent on having kids, no matter what, then this isn't the man for you.  He has expressed to you that he isn't sure he wants to have children.  It is not okay to pressure someone or coerce someone into having kids who doesn't really want them.  That is not fair to the other partner or the kids.  So if you are dead set on this idea of having kids, if it's a non-negotiable, then you will need to end this relationship and go find someone else who is like minded.

1 hour ago, Jeselou7 said:

 I am willing to forgo children so I don’t loose him. 

My vote is for this option^.  You have a good relationship.  Throwing away a good relationship over this having kids issue might be a big mistake.  There's no guarantee that you'd even find another good partner.  This world is overpopulated.  Why do you need to have kids?  Don't have kids, enjoy this good relationship that you have, and focus your energy and resources on putting good into the world in other ways.

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8 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

If you are truly hell bent on having kids, no matter what, then this isn't the man for you.  He has expressed to you that he isn't sure he wants to have children.  It is not okay to pressure someone or coerce someone into having kids who doesn't really want them.  That is not fair to the other partner or the kids.  So if you are dead set on this idea of having kids, if it's a non-negotiable, then you will need to end this relationship and go find someone else who is like minded.

My vote is for this option^.  You have a good relationship.  Throwing away a good relationship over this having kids issue might be a big mistake.  There's no guarantee that you'd even find another good partner.  This world is overpopulated.  Why do you need to have kids?  Don't have kids, enjoy this good relationship that you have, and focus your energy and resources on putting good into the world in other ways.

That’s what I’m afraid of. It was 6 years between my ex and my current partner and I’m scared that will happen again. 
 

I don’t know why I need to have children. I just know that I want them but like I said I don’t want to loose him or for him to resent me. But I don’t want to guilt him into doing something he doesn’t want to do and he has told me that he feels guilty in how he feels coz he knows how much I want them. 

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mark clemson

It's a tough spot and I think your issue is far from rare.

Part of LTRs is making reasonable compromises. Is it reasonable to not have kids when you actually want them to keep a partner? Is it reasonable to have kids because your partner wants them if you're "not sure"? Obviously having kids (or not) is one of life's major decisions, so it's hard to say going against what you want is "reasonable" (for either partner) for this particular point.

All that said, my gut sense is that your husband wants to not have kids less than you want to have kids. The reason is because he's waffling. He is indecisive for whatever reasons (and after all it's a huge step), but given that he was on board with it originally and then recently essentially said "well maybe" suggests to me that possibly he's not as against it as some of his statements made it out to be.

Perhaps give it some time and communicate to explore his concerns. What would stop him? Could that (possibly) be alleviated in some way? It might be specific things he's worried about, rather than a blanket "no"?

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On 4/22/2023 at 3:28 PM, Jeselou7 said:

I just know that I want them but like I said I don’t want to loose him or for him to resent me.

But you will end up resenting him for it in the long run.

It's a vicious cycle that cause problems sooner or later.

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If someone really wants to have children I don't think there is a compromise to be had.  Foregoing what you really want just to stay with him is very likely to eventually lead to resentment, like JTSW said, which will likely result in you feeling he owes you something for giving up something to be with him.  That will make every other normal relationship annoyance along the way seem even worse.  

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ExpatInItaly
On 4/22/2023 at 3:13 PM, Jeselou7 said:

He hasn’t really explained his reasons why he doesn’t know if he wants them. 

Some of us just don't have that desire (myself included, and I'm a woman) There might be concrete reasons (such as mine, which is that I don't want to centre my entire life around a little one), or it might simply be an absence of desire to have babies. I am sure for you that it's an organic, natural wish to have a baby - and for him, it's likely the same about not having a baby. When I was younger, I just assumed that I would have kids someday, because that's what "everyone does." But as I got older, I realized I never developed that desire and the thought of it actually put me off rather than filling me with joy. We sometimes change as we grow into ourselves more. 

On 4/22/2023 at 2:36 PM, Jeselou7 said:

I am willing to forgo children so I don’t loose him

I think this would be a huge mistake on your part. The chance is that you will terribly regret not having children down the line, and by then you won't ever be able to change it. This significantly increases the risk that you will grow to resent both him and your own choice to not have a family. Having kids (or not) isn't really an area to compromise on. To be happy, you would need to find a man who wants what you want - withuot any coaxing or prompting from you. 

On 4/22/2023 at 2:36 PM, Jeselou7 said:

This made me feel so conflicted as I don’t want to make him miserable by having children when he doesn’t want to. 

Yes, and this is true. Him agreeing to have kids because it's important to you is a bad reason to have kids. Kids deserve parents who want them purely because both parents were happy to raise a family together. Not because one is simply conceding to the other's wishes. That is also a recipe for resentment, and the kids will surely feel it too. 

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OP, I don't think you're being completely honest with yourself when you indicate your willingness to compromise on having kids. You realize you actually use the word "need" to describe your desire to have kids? That does not leave much room for successful compromise. A need cannot be set aside easily.

I have also noticed that you say you have contemplated the possibility of your OH resenting you, but you don't seem to have contemplated the possibility of your resenting him. Are you in the habit of discounting your own feelings?

You sound a bit like a people-pleaser, the kind of person who's all too willing to sacrifice their hopes and desires for the affection and acceptance of another person. The fact that you speak of your fear of losing your OH underlines this to me. Fear is not a good foundation for self-sacrificial life decisions.

It sounds like you still have a lot of self-reflection to do. Take the time to consider your dilemma carefully, but this time, keep in mind that you are supposed to be an equal partner in this relationship and that your feelings (beyond fear) actually matter.

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IMO, kids are either a "hell yeah!" or a "no".

The reason isn't just that HE will be miserable, although that is certainly very probable. But also, that the amount of time, energy, health, sacrifices, and money that is put into the whole childrearing exercise is so immense that you have to really want them in order to feel that it is worth it. If you have kids with someone who isn't particularly enthusiastic about it, there's an extremely high chance that you will end up single-parenting. I don't necessarily mean getting divorced, either (although that is also a possibility) - I mean being the only parent actually doing any parenting even if you are married to the other parent. So it's not just bad for him, but also bad for you and bad for the kid.

You have to search deep within you, and ask yourself what is more important to you.

 

Edited by Els
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Weezy1973
On 4/22/2023 at 7:28 AM, Jeselou7 said:

I don’t know why I need to have children. I just know that I want them…

This isn’t a good reason to have kids. Having kids is absolutely life changing. I think what might be happening is you’re just two years into your marriage so the “honeymoon” phase has ended and you might not get the same emotional oomph from that as you used to, so you’re looking for something to fill the void. Again this is not a good reason to have kids. You’re missing “something” but I suspect that something isn’t anything external. 

Edited by Weezy1973
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