Fresh break up

[Buzzmonkey]

Was dating this young woman for around 14 months. From the offset I was open, honest and clear and a big deal for me was bei by open that my last relationship was not great and that my ex ended up speaking to guys behind my back.

I brought this up with her in the hope it would highlight I have a slight insecurity.

she mentioned to me she had been cheated on many years ago by an ex partner who rekindled things with an ex. And she said she has an insecurity, feeling of unease if I was still in contact with ex’s or past relationships. I reassured her I was not, and respectfully requested the same.

anyhow fast forward 14 months. A few occasions in our relationship she has not been honest about who guys are that’s messaged her. I’ve been told they’re a friend when infact it’s someone she’s dated. This has happened on a few occasions. Obviously this flared up my insecurity slightly and I did feel hurt, let down by being lied to.

2 months ago we were out at a social gathering where she spent some time chatting to this guy. A friend of a friend of ours.

from where I was sat I could she they were flirting and it made me umcomfortble. I approached her and discreetly said this to her. 
 

since then she bumps into this guy a lot at a fitness class they both attend. I asked her one time two months ago do they talk outside the gym. And she replied no she doesn’t have him on any social media.

about a week goes by. We were butting heads and just something didn’t feel right. I asked her if she would show me who she was messsging on her phone. ( I have to add I’ve always been open with my phone, if she ever wants to go on it she can, she even has the passcode )

Anyhow she kinda freaked out and was like no, why do you want to see?

little bit of arguing happened and eventually she showed me her phone. There were some messages from this guy on insta. Few of them were just general chit chat but that day…the day I had asked to look at her phone and she freaked - this guy had messaged and basically was confirming when did she want to go for a coffee.

obviously all my fears seemed to be coming true. This guy I had confronted her about flirting with who she told me I was being daft.

the same person who she didn’t have on social media and didn’t speak to outside the gym. It was all lies. No wonder she reacted badly when I asked to look on her phone.

we broke up, I said the lies and deceit were too much. 
 

fee weeks past and we ended up meeting up. I missed her. She said she missed me and genuinely seemed sorry and said she knows she [messed] up and how it looked. Explained there was nothing going on and she was never going to meet him.

last two months have been difficult. Though we were making ground, getting on ok and moving forward.

then the other night….she left her phone at my side and went down for a shower. My mind got the better of me. I hadn’t once asked to look at her phone or anything as I was trying to move forward. I couldn’t get into her phone as I don’t know the pass codes, but her phone flashed up notifications and there was one on insta from a guy. It was a standard message nothing wrong or inappropriate.

my dilemma was this is one of the guys we feel out over in the beginning of our relationship. She would discuss the ins and outs of our relationship with this guy and I said back last year it made me uncomfortable.

she said she would stop and understood where I was coming from.

 

Anyhow, she came back upstairs from the shower and I asked her, has she been talking to this John guy. She said no. I said I knew that wasn’t true and she said she hadn’t. I asked her to show me her phone and the messages and she did but there was no message. She had clearly deleted them but forgot to clear the notifications. I brought this up with her and then she said oh he randomly messaged me today though she didn’t reply.

obviously I thought her we go again, just the dishonest behaviour again. I asked her why was she lying to me again. We went through this two months ago and we’re trying to rebuild the trust and this has now totally shattered it. I don’t know what to believe and I don’t understand why she lies to me about guys.

 

I know what people will say. It’s my insecurities, nothing more. That it’s my fault. But how can being lied to be my fault? I’ve been honest with her from day one about my experiences. That all I ask for is honesty, loyalty and trust.

she ended up walking out of mine, and has blocked my on all social media and phone.

clear to say it’s an obvious sign to me that she’s done and wants nothing to do with me.

im hurting a lot currently. Not sleeping well. Wondering where I went wrong. Did I give her too many chances? Should I of walked away the first time she lied to me.

we have friends in common, I’m worried how the friends/couples will react. There are events coming up with I doubt I will be going to now which sucks.

why am I writing on an online forum. I guess for help, help in whether I’m feeling justified for my actions. Whether I’m right for struggling with being lied to. 

 

Edited April 23, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Buzzmonkey said:

It’s my insecurities, nothing more. That it’s my fault.

Why do you think people will say this?

You might have your insecurities, yes. And she might also be behaving deceptively. Both things can be true. 

4 hours ago, Buzzmonkey said:

She said she missed me and genuinely seemed sorry and said she knows she [messed] up and how it looked. Explained there was nothing going on and she was never going to meet him.

Bull. People tend not to make fake plans just for funsies. She may not have gone through with it, but there seems to have been intent to do so somewhere. Anyway, I don't think you should have reconciled. You and she obviously have totally incompatible boundaries in relationships and don't value the same things. It is time to be over for good. 

4 hours ago, Buzzmonkey said:

I’m worried how the friends/couples will react

I doubt they will care as much as you think. We tend to think people are far more interested in our lives than they actually are. So while they might be curious as to what happened, I really don't think it's going to be some big issue. Anyway, why you have broken up again is not their business. You can simply say it wasn't working out, and leave it at that. 

[Buzzmonkey]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why do you think people will say this?

You might have your insecurities, yes. And she might also be behaving deceptively. Both things can be true. 

Because it’s what she has said to me. That my insecurities have caused me to look on her phone and that it’s not her fault it’s mine.

I’ve tried to explain to her that I was honest about how my precious relationship ended, and was quite upfront that honesty means everything to me.

 

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Bull. People tend not to make fake plans just for funsies. She may not have gone through with it, but there seems to have been intent to do so somewhere. Anyway, I don't think you should have reconciled. You and she obviously have totally incompatible boundaries in relationships and don't value the same things. It is time to be over for good. 

I realise the boundaries don’t seem to align. I’m just struggling with why after this happened a few months ago, from her end why make a go of things. Why say she knows how it looked and she f***ed up, only to do it again.

 

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I doubt they will care as much as you think. We tend to think people are far more interested in our lives than they actually are. So while they might be curious as to what happened, I really don't think it's going to be some big issue. Anyway, why you have broken up again is not their business. You can simply say it wasn't working out, and leave it at that. 

Basically there are parties  coming up that we were both due to go to. My ex was very close with all the females and I knew all their partners and they are my friends too.

but I doubt the invite will be open to me now, as when they find out we have broken up her friends will naturally side with her.

 

im just quite low at the moment. I went to the gym today and actually bumped into her at the change over class. It was awkward. I was polite and said ‘hello, how’s training going’ to which she responded. Then after her class had all gone I went over to her and just said ‘so I’m blocked, I understand that means you don’t want to speak to me anymore’ 

I said she seemed to be coping well and looked ok. She replied that she’s good at putting on a show. 
She asked me what I expected.

i said I don’t know, some form of wanting to talk, figure things out.

she said it’s still very soon, that she needed to remove herself from it.

she mentioned some items I had ordered had arrived and that I can have them when I send her the money and she would arrange to drop them over. She left the gym and that was it.

im utterly confused. I’m not quite sure how I’m being made out to be the bad guy? I caught her lying about a dude sending her messages and the fact she deleted them out.

it’s hit my self esteem quite hard.

 

if I can explain another situation recently, her brother is moving into her flat ( she has a two bed flat ) those she doesn’t live there herself.

I have some food in the flat etc as I have stayed there with her at times. When she mentioned her bro was moving in I kindly asked would she mind bringing my food back with her. She got quite upset/angry. Saying I was totally selfish. Her brother wouldn’t eat my food. Why do I have a problem with him being at the flat. I said I don’t. And the fact if her brother is there it’s a small two bed flat, if we went down it would be too crowded. Again this seemed to fuel her - she said I’m weird that I don’t want to be around people. I’m the most selfish person she had ever met. Said she didn’t want to be around me and packed up her things to leave.

 

I guess I’m trying to give some background on events as I don’t feel like myself. I’m questioning this and that. Wondering is it true…am I the one the blamE and in the wrong here? I feel like emotional manipulation has happened because the only friend I feel I can discuss this with have said it really sounds like she is manipulating me.

When we got back together before it was me who reached out to her I should add. Not the other way around. I seem to ponder to her when she reacts and feel I’ve made this bed I’ve been in.

I just don’t understand why she would hide messages from me. And how I currently feel - that I’m the one who has done wrong? But the logical side of me is saying I’ve done absolutely nothing

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Buzzmonkey said:

That my insecurities have caused me to look on her phone

Yes, and that's true. But she's also not an honest person. Looking at her phone (or not) does not change the fact that she was trying to meet up with another guy, it seems. 

Why she chose to behave this way or that isn't really relevant anymore. What matters is that the two of you do not work as a couple and need to leave each other alone completely now. 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Buzzmonkey said:

she mentioned some items I had ordered had arrived and that I can have them when I send her the money and she would arrange to drop them over. 

I have some food in the flat 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you're incompatible with regard to trust, privacy, boundaries and outside friendships. 

Try to prioritize things and tie up loose ends. Try to not worry about unimportant things like food you left at her place.

After you get your packages and pay for them, delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Try to accept that it didn't work out and sever ties asap. There's no right or wrong or good guy, bad guy. It's just that distrust and rifling through phones are red flags in any relationship.

[JTSW]

It's not your fault at all.

You have done nothing wrong.

We all have insecurities when it comes to relationships.

She betrayed your trust by talking to and meeting other guys and used your insecurities against you.

She has constantly lied to you but blamed you which is bull.

She doesn't deserve you.

[Atwood]

On 4/24/2023 at 11:22 AM, JTSW said:

It's not your fault at all.

You have done nothing wrong.

We all have insecurities when it comes to relationships.

She betrayed your trust by talking to and meeting other guys and used your insecurities against you.

She has constantly lied to you but blamed you which is bull.

She doesn't deserve you.

This.

Please don't blame yourself. You have been betrayed and lied to about it: who wouldn't feel upset and insecure after that? I'm so sorry she did this to you and I hope you meet someone you loves you the way you deserve in future.

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

I've been in a similar situation a few times, instead of blaming or judging, I tried to separate myself emotionally and approach it to try and understand instead, you come to the same conclusion most of the time, but you don't go through the trauma per se, putting yourself in your partner's shoes may have opened up lines of communication that were lacking that led to said situation perhaps, and there may have been better hope of correcting, the other way, it's over before you get there unfortunately.  You have your answers, but the trust is destroyed in the process.

Edited April 28, 2023 by OurLoveTurnsToRust

[Acacia98]

On 4/23/2023 at 3:08 PM, Buzzmonkey said:

I realise the boundaries don’t seem to align. I’m just struggling with why after this happened a few months ago, from her end why make a go of things. Why say she knows how it looked and she f***ed up, only to do it again.

 

Basically there are parties  coming up that we were both due to go to.

(...)

but I doubt the invite will be open to me now, as when they find out we have broken up her friends will naturally side with her.

 

im just quite low at the moment. I went to the gym today and actually bumped into her at the change over class. It was awkward. I was polite and said ‘hello, how’s training going’ to which she responded. Then after her class had all gone I went over to her and just said ‘so I’m blocked, I understand that means you don’t want to speak to me anymore’ 

I said she seemed to be coping well and looked ok. She replied that she’s good at putting on a show. 
She asked me what I expected.

i said I don’t know, some form of wanting to talk, figure things out.

(...)

im utterly confused. I’m not quite sure how I’m being made out to be the bad guy? I caught her lying about a dude sending her messages and the fact she deleted them out.

it’s hit my self esteem quite hard.

(...)

 before it was me who reached out to her I should add. Not the other way around. I seem to ponder to her when she reacts and feel I’ve made this bed I’ve been in.

I just don’t understand why she would hide messages from me. And how I currently feel - that I’m the one who has done wrong? But the logical side of me is saying I’ve done absolutely nothing

I guess she did it because that's part of who she is: she wants to have her cake and eat it, and she doesn't share your views where relationship boundaries are concerned. It really is that simple. She originally led you to believe she was on the same page as you regarding this matter because that's what some people do: they mirror the likes and dislikes of their potential partners. Perhaps it's their misguided way of feeling closer to the person and showing just how much they like them (at that point in time). However, as time passes and the relationship progresses, the mirroring falls by the wayside and you get to see what they are actually like. This is one of the reasons why it's wise to date somebody for a long stretch of time before deciding to move in together or get married. 

She doesn't share your perspective on a matter that is foundational to your trusting her and being with her. Therefore, you are incompatible. The solution is to recognize you're different and to walk away. Trying to "fix things" with her is the equivalent of trying to convince an eagle that it's a cat and getting heartbroken when it keeps on behaving like an eagle.

It doesn't sound like she's the most self-aware person in the world. If she was self-aware and if she genuinely valued your relationship, she would have demonstrated to you that she understood where she had gone wrong and wanted to make amends by taking the initiative to reach out to you, apologize to you, and depending on how things went, expressing a desire to reconcile. The fact that it was you who tried to fix things after she first broke your trust is telling. One of the reasons why your self-esteem is low is because you've been more invested in the relationship than she has been for the longest. That's a mismatch. So please, please walk away. Stop trying to fix things. Stop thinking about fixing things. Be kind to yourself and remove yourself from situations where you are not truly valued. If you must be in a relationship, be with someone who appreciates you as much as you appreciate them.

Believe me when I say it's a good thing if your mutual friends choose her over you. The best thing possible for you right now is to go no contact with her and her circle of friends. That will give you the time and space to heal and to rebuild your self-esteem. And although it may not feel that way right now, it's also good that she's blocked you. You may want to stay away from places where you're likely to bump into her (e.g. the gym) or, if that's not possible, go at times when you're less likely to bump into her.