Looking for clarity (sorry for the long read)

[SoHereIam]

Hello ladies and gents,  

Really hope I can get some advice or help in my situation as my mind has been a mess the last few weeks as the wound is so new and fresh. Just trying to make sense of it all but right now my head has been a fog and clouded judgment. So sincere apologies in advance for the very long post as I prob not in my best mind frame typing this and might seem like I am rambling. 

Approx. 2 weeks ago my girlfriend of 2 years blindsided me with a conversation via text while she was at work. In a nutshell, she started to confess she has been feeling dead and empty inside. Not just in our relationship but in every aspect of her life pertaining to me she revealed that she feels like she doesn’t have any love or anything to give anyone these days. 

I also figured there were additional factors that attributed to her current state of mind for starters, she had a childhood history of severe depression which for the most part she had a really healthy handle on that as we rarely fought, the worst was the odd mood swings which usually an hour on the phone would typically resolve that and she would be back to her bubbly sweet self. Never in person did we ever argue or fight. Then there was her career. Being a critical care nurse working in a hospital has more than enough stressors on its own. From the horrible hours to the mental torture, they go through on a daily basis.  

In this text she mentioned that she feels that I deserve better than what she has to offer and that it’s not right I will be subjected to “this,” whatever that means. It felt like it was a nonnegotiable conversation, so I just sat there as it felt like pleading and begging wouldn’t do much justice so the best I could offer was to listen respond diplomatically and try my best to just process things. The only thing she kept on reiterating over and over was this “had nothing to do with me or anything I did,” this was her own mental mess she needed to fix. Seems the best fix for her is to eliminate every distraction around her and hyper-focus on herself. Her ultimate fear was that I would hate her and that she didn’t want me to give up on life or my ambitions. Also, recall her mentioning she never wanted me out of her life.  

It did cross my mind if this was her being genuine or just some verbiage to salvage my ego and feelings. Like is she just deflecting to remove the “bad guy,” syndrome from her conscience for wanting this? 

The conversation started with “I need a break,” to “I need space,” to eventually ended with “I need time alone,” to focus on herself and make the right fixes she needs to be in the right state of mind. Such as restarting therapy and taking the time to reflect and focus on herself and do the things she enjoys again… I did my best to offer words of support and while it hurts, I also understand that she needs to do what’s best for her sanity and well-being so that she is in a better place. Trying to be the better person, I offered to be there even if it was just as a friend for now. I really didn’t have an agenda or ploy to get back by saying that but starting to think I foolishly might have relinquished myself from bf material to “it’s ok I’ll be your friend.” She thanked me for that and said she appreciated my trying to be understanding. 

It was a tense conversation, but I think I was numb throughout it all. Reality started to sink in the next few days…  

5 days went by, figured gave her some space but the silence was killing me, I was surprised I had not heard from her and even more hurt and disappointed. I questioned the last 2 years how could someone just shut me out and not even look back, especially given the last time we spoke it was relatively civil. I couldn’t hold it in, I broke and texted her. I asked how she was doing and if she hated me that much and if I should I keep my distance and leave her be. 20 minutes later I get a reply, in her stipulating of course she does not hate me but she had been working a lot and hadn’t been near her phone (which I know that’s a lie as this girl lives on Instagram 24/7 it’s like a therapeutic crutch for her). Perhaps she was just preserving her sanity and liked to think she was feeling some hurt too? Which would be a nice change, since she’s been so clinical and cold in her approach. Not use to this side of her. 

 We chatted but got to admit the tone was different, just felt cold and her replies were one or two-worded.  Eventually, she said she needed to rest as she hasn’t slept and come off a 12-hour night shift. I thanked her for her time and wished her well on her sleep.  

2 days after that, (hangs head in shame), I texted her claiming while I was trying my best to deal with processing everything as it all still seems like a blur, I am also having feelings of anger. Angry at myself for not asking the right questions so that I could make a conscious decision on how best I could proceed and what is best for my sanity. Instantly she replied and said she fully understands and ask away, with a warning that If I was texting to lash out or hurt her then not to bother with this convo. She claimed she knew this would happen and that although I was sweet and understanding, she feared I would eventually turn an angry side to confront her. I assured her it was not the case and that I think I deserve some level of clarity. She agreed and encouraged me to ask away! 

That’s where things fell apart, instead of keeping my head cool and trying to keep it casual, instead, I turned it almost into a game of 20 questions.  

*Was this something in you for a while or a few weeks? (her: last few weeks) 

*Am I the only one suffering the effect of this? (her: no I pretty much closed myself from everyone) 

*Did you ever plan on reaching out? (her: yes but wanted to wait and not be impulsive) 

*Are you out partying or chatting up random guys? (her: F no! Have no interest in that in the slightest  

*Do you miss our time together (her: absolutely and I miss your family a lot)  

*What have you been doing? (her: therapy, walks, cooking the foods I love)  

(Should note, she keeps making over-the-top efforts to tell me that I have nothing to do with what she is going through as it is all on her. It’s her issues to resolve not mine.)  

 

Basically, like an idiot, I drilled her and for the most part, she was a champ about it till I just asked “What do you want from me? Want me to leave you alone and refrain from contact?”  That set her off and she got defensive and stated “Did I ever say that? But if your friendship and convos are going to constantly be an interview, then I will rather be left alone.”  

I snapped back into reality, apologized for my approach, and said moving forward, I will do my best to gain clarity that she feels like she is not being attacked. She thanked me and said she needed to go rest Wished her a good sleep and she replied: “don’t be shy to reach out!” I told her that I would love to have her reach out as well but I would def be in touch. 

 

12 days later – Reached out to her, with just a friendly hello and asked how she was doing. Kept the convo short but more and more the defensive walls slowly lowered and the tone was slightly starting to sound a bit sweeter. Like she use to be.  

Busted her chops in a playful way for not ever reaching out, again she used the lame line she has not been near her phone recently. (Here is how I know it’s a lie, cause every time I would go on Instagram her active/online status was constantly on). I am talking noon, night, 2 am, 3 am, and 6 am (the only reason I am up those weird hours is I am taking care of my mom’s very sickly dog who wakes up 50 times during the night, so I just go on it to pass the time when he awakes and goes back to sleep). When she is offline (status) are the times, I would assume she’s asleep from working night shifts at the hospital. Even then there were a lot of times when she should be asleep, I can see she just stayed straight awake and just been on there for hours. Thinking of deleting the app for my sanity. Although as twisted as this sounds, initially it was a calming effect for me to see her online if that makes any sense at all. 

 

Did some small chat and told her would like to meet up sometime and she instantly replied: “Sure that would be nice.” So, I suggested she pick a day and let me know. No answer back.  

Texted her later that night, and she replied instantly. Asked why she left the last text hanging, in which she apologized she fell asleep. I told her still had a few things on my mind, that in my head I maybe wasn’t quite ready to give up to which she snapped back stating that she appreciated me trying to open up and chat but did I think that was the best time to do this, and it feels like I am trying to upset her before she does anything (honestly when is a good time?). I explained it was not my intention and we chatted a bit more which turned back into friendly chat and even a couple of laughs and she mentioned she had to head out for work but to again “not be shy and reach out anytime.”  

Last joked with her saying I’ve accepted the challenge of trying to keep things a positive vibe, she laughed and loved the idea of that. That is the last we spoke.   

 

I am sick to my stomach about this being one-sided of me reaching out but I know her, maybe it’s the depression or maybe her job as a nurse has conditioned her to shut emotions off and be cold and direct and ability to not initiate contact with no remorse. If I shut this down and stop, worry that would be the end of this.  

I know the ideal situation is no contact but in this case, I can see it backfiring. Then again is my reaching out just getting breadcrumbs and prolonging the inevitable? 

Am I twisted? I almost want her to tell me something painful like she is speaking to someone else as that would be the catalyst for me to just cut ties. I even try to self-torture myself and convince myself the 24/7 hours she’s on Instagram is her chatting up a guy. Her profile has like 1000 followers, 98% of girls, and 1% of guy friends who are married or attached. I only deduced one guy who would be a potential and turns out I know his family. Even though she initially claimed not to entertain any guys a while back, seeing this new cold side of her had me wondering is she capable of it. Or she’s lying to spare me? (I know it's sad behaviour or logic, I have not been on since). 

If not that I almost want to meet her face to face to have a convo and then I can make a decision if I want any part of this which is why I am placating her “keep in touch,” request till we can speak in person. I just want full clarity. Tell me it’s done for good and I’ll walk away knowing I put my best foot forward before leaving.  

Again, I am so sorry for this rambling and info overload as I promise I am not usually this kind of bumbling idiot. However, it also was a little therapeutic to type this out for me and read it over and over.  

Perhaps, I allowed my clouded judgment to get in the way and wonder if I was foolish in my actions. If so let me have it! Best to hear input from brilliant minds with no emotional biased. 

Appreciate any advice here!  

[stillafool]

It's time to stop reaching out to her and to delete that app.  She doesn't want to get back together and that is why she is never the one to reach out to you.  I also don't believe she's depressed.  I think she is interested in someone else and is trying to let you down easy so as not to appear to be the bad girl.  From the sound of her life she would need her boyfriend around to comfort her, not break up with him.

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, SoHereIam said:

I know the ideal situation is no contact but in this case, I can see it backfiring. Then again is my reaching out just getting breadcrumbs and prolonging the inevitable?

Sorry this is happening. You seem to have insight that contacting her repeatedly after she asked for space is pushing her further and further away.

Try not to contact her. That's all you can do. Try not to guilt trip her into continuing. Step back and reflect if you want to end it rather than indefinitely be friends or be in limbo.

[SoHereIam]

Thank you so much for the responses. 

stillafoll - I agree 100% that one would think in her lowest times, she rather have her bf beside her and not let him go. App is deleted. Although I think I got into my own head about her chatting with someone else, I am not gonna rule it out and try to move forward and leave her be. 

Wiseman2 - thanks for the empathy, think both of you guys were right and I needed that virtual slap in the face to wake up and see the reality of things. It's hard.  Gonna try my best to go no contact. Work on getting myself in a better place. Hopefully, in time I will have a better understanding of what I want with a more clear mind.  

 

[ShyViolet]

You seriously need to stop.  This is all wayy too much.  You need to stop obsessively texting her, obsessively checking how often she is on Instagram, pestering her, asking her questions.  You are not in a mentally healthy place.  You need to put a stop to this by going no-contact.  Only then you will be able to start moving on.  

I absolutely believe that she used the depression as an excuse to break up with you and to let you down easy.  The simple fact is that she wasn't happy in the relationship anymore and didn't want to be with you any longer.  Asking her a million questions is not going to change that.  You need to leave her alone now.

[SoHereIam]

43 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You seriously need to stop.  This is all wayy too much.  

Hey ShyViolet, 

Thank you for your insight.. Believe me, I am so embarrassed and ashamed of how I handled this entirely. Wish I thought of coming here first. Probably would have executed better decisions. It's funny when one is spiralling down emotionally you start to justify stupid things. Like "Oh reaching out 4 times over the course of weeks wanting clarity isn't insane or obsessive!?"  I see it a little more clearly now. It is!!

Can only offer temporary insanity for my actions but that being said moving forward I have committed to never contacting her again, and deleted the app, (I wasn't on there to specifically track her but hard not to notice). I swear I am not usually this crazy and irrational in thinking. 

 I think I just wasn't ready to accept things given up until 3 weeks ago she was blowing up my phone almost every day for 2 years with "I love you's," and "missing you" to now this. Not to mention she pushed for this relationship for months, as I use to be the cool level headed one.

Interesting take that you and stillafool believe her "depression," was a smoking mirror. Will take this at face value, I do know she has had a genuine history of depression as she confided and trusted in good times to volunteer personal and sensitive info. How she battled with it growing up and told me about some very dark stories and insight into how sometimes her thoughts are and why she always had a therapist all her life.

But specifically to my predicament, I am starting to feel you guys are 100% right! 

Thank you guys for the tough love. I enjoy reading feedback and using the support to regain my dignity. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I hate to break the bad news to you: she's over you, and wants out of the relationship. Period! Depressed or not depressed, she is done. 

[Allupinnit]

It's really hard when you don't understand the quick turn of events.  I'm glad you deleted IG, it's all fake anyway and will only serve to torture yourself with, imagine how upset you'd be if she posted a pic with another man?  I've actually thrown up over stuff like that.

I think she's met someone and wants the freedom to explore that.  Stick around and watch as her "friend" at your own risk.  

I'm really sorry; I've been there more than once and it hurts so badly every time.  Just go silent now, she doesn't exist, it WILL help you move on a lot more quickly, promise!

Edited April 23, 2023 by Allupinnit

[SoHereIam]

 Lotsgoingon - Thank you! Think that rapidly sunk it after posting here and seeing all the responses. 😔

Allupinnit - I totally agree bout the "quick turn of events," think that's what I initially struggled with and prob will struggle for some time if I am being honest. Going from being asked my thoughts about marriage and wanting kids last month, to now I am reading multiple replies "She's done." Guess it takes time to heal. 

You're right I think would def hurt the heart to see her with another guy on Instagram but that's not something I can't control I guess. I clearly missed the mark in keeping her happy and hope she truly finds someone that does. No anger, no jealousy and def no regrets to have had her in my life even if for a brief time! 

Don't think I am equipped to be "the friend," and watch from the sidelines. I rather choose to just walk away and focus my time and attention on something positive like friends and family. 

Appreciate the kind words. 🙂

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, SoHereIam said:

Interesting take that you and stillafool believe her "depression," was a smoking mirror. Will take this at face value, I do know she has had a genuine history of depression as she confided and trusted in good times to volunteer personal and sensitive info. How she battled with it growing up and told me about some very dark stories and insight into how sometimes her thoughts are and why she always had a therapist all her life.

She could genuinely have depression; she also could have used the depression as an excuse to break up with you in a way that was easiest for you both.  Both things could be true and I think they probably are.

[stillafool]

59 minutes ago, SoHereIam said:

No anger, no jealousy and def no regrets to have had her in my life even if for a brief time! 

A little bit of anger and jealousy over her having someone new is normal.  So don't be so hard on yourself.  

 

1 hour ago, SoHereIam said:

I rather choose to just walk away and focus my time and attention on something positive like friends and family. 

This is healthy thinking and is exactly what you should be doing instead of contacting her.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am sorry you're hurting, OP. 

I will echo the others that you need to stop reaching out to her. She can't give you more answers than she's already given, and there might be some things that are better left unsaid so you don't wind up even more hurt. When someone chooses to break up, that is the end. The only person keeping you in limbo is you. She's already closed the door, which I know is very hard to accept. She tried to cushion it with softer and vaguer words to avoid hurting you further, but she knows this isn't coming back together. 

My sense is that there are other factors that contributed to this decision, and while she may be depressed, that's not the only reason she's opted to bow out. But your focus now needs to be on your healing. You gain further clarity from her. 

[JTSW]

You did the right thing deleting the app.

Your emotions and reactions to the break up are normal.

It's always hard to let go.

You just have to be strong and refrain from reaching out.

[SoHereIam]

Hey Everyone, 

Genuinely thankful for all the advice, support and hard facts offered here. It's amazing how powerful your words can be of so much help. Def feel a little bit stronger each time and less hurting or confused. 

ShyViolet - you are so right while "depression" might have been a crutch of some sort there are def other underlying reasons she opted for this. I have reflected on it over the weeks. There may have been things I wished I could have done differently, although she denied it adamantly when I use to address it in our relationship. I am convinced prob played a factor. 

stillafool - appreciate the support on that, I don't think I could be angry lord knows I have tried to get there to use it as a tool to walk away but I just can't, she is a good person. Perhaps that phase will kick in maybe one day who knows? As for jealousy, I have never really been that kind of guy, even the Instagram fiasco wasn't to find out and hate on her or guys, think it was just me trying to find something to validate in my mind it's done! So I could build from that the confidence or perhaps as you said even "anger", to quietly bow out and just walk away. This forum and you guys slowly replacing that desire for wanting any validation from her now. Thank you. 

ExpatInItaly - thank you for the kind words and empathy, again you and the others are right. It's done! I will try to move on from this with much better confidence. I once held onto the words "You gotta believe me, it's not you it's my mental mess I have to sort out," to the "I don't know what I want!" when I would initially ask her where we stood. I now see they were just breadcrumbs I wanted to hear. During our previous texts, I had asked numerous times how best to return her house keys (offered to mail them), but she just kept avoiding answering that specifically. Before I would have read that as a sign of optimism. Now I don't see any of it anymore. Progress. 

This place allowed me to clear my head and remove any fantasies or delusions I might have had. Starting to get into a  better place mentally I think. 

Definitely just gonna focus on myself and life, can't nor won't force something that is no longer there. Not healthy for her and for me. No choice but to respect her enough for her decision. 

JTSW - thank you for the friendly advice and support, it makes this horrible journey a little easier to venture with great people offering support. It's reassuring to hear that although I made some stupid mistakes handling this, it's normal and it's okay... As long as I learn from them. 

Very late last night I received a text from her out of the blue,  saw it. Didn't engage in it. I left it alone. Oddly I didn't get that sick butterflies I use to get whenever she texted or I see her over the last 2 years. It was a mixture of sadness with a warm feeling and I thought to myself  "Good you're still alive and well!" 

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to chime in. 

Edited April 24, 2023 by SoHereIam

[mark clemson]

I don't think you're going to get clarity unfortunately as the situation is too "clouded".

Maybe she really does need an "emotional break". Maybe it's a slow fade. Maybe she's out looking for your replacement but keeping you on "standby". Maybe she's simply seriously reconsidering whether to stay with you. Any of those are possible here.

I do think that a working relationship where both parties are genuinely interested in maintaining it shouldn't be this "hard" and probably shouldn't have such long gaps between communication. Keep trying if you wish/think she's worth it, but I think you should be prepared for the possibility of this relationship to be nearing the end of its run, which you seem to be doing. At the risk of reiterating what others have said above, sometimes when the other person makes a firm decision (IF that's what's going on here); however strongly we may feel, there isn't much we can do about it.

IF she's really not "ready" to pick things back up with you and genuinely re-commit to your relationship fairly soon, ARE you best served by waiting around to see what happens? That's a question I think I'd be asking myself if I was in your shoes. How long should you wait/give this? It's a valid question and you seem to be starting to see that...

Edited April 24, 2023 by mark clemson

[SoHereIam]

 

Hey mark clemson, 

There were many things you posted that made so much sense and hit home for sure. Def a clouded situation to get any answers from and think I just have to come to grips with that will always be the case.

Wishful thinking that she might be on an "emotional break," or she could just as well be on the hunt, guess I will only learn this (possibly) in time. 

So true relationships should never be this hard, I know my current status proves differently but I swear we were very close and connected until this.

Typing that even reminded me of the time like 2 months ago she got into my car and gave me a huge kiss and said "Thank you for being the best bf ever!" Laughing I suspiciously looked at her and said "ooookay," waiting for the joke or punchline. She began to explain how all the nurses/ friends all gathering around just shredding their boyfriends apart. How verbally abusive, non-communicative, distant or never want to go out or even spend time with them etc. She then proceeded to tell me how completely opposite I am and always put the effort in. 

I remember driving home late that night grinning ear to ear feeling on cloud nine saying to myself "ok we are in a good place." and here we are now, me pouring my heart out about losing her. lol 

One thing is for sure, you are so right. I can't wait around just to see what happens, I think I will drive myself crazy and unhealthy. Rather just spend that "time," with those who will value it more such as my friends and family. 

Thanks for the advice, very helpful and wise. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, SoHereIam said:

I swear we were very close and connected until this

I really wonder if she has met someone else. A sudden turn-around often means a third party is involved somewhere. I know it's not what you want to hear, but the timing is a bit strange. 

[SoHereIam]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I really wonder if she has met someone else. A sudden turn-around often means a third party is involved somewhere. I know it's not what you want to hear, but the timing is a bit strange. 

That's the only thing that makes the most sense. The one thing I did admire about her over the 2 years is although she was the sweetest person you could meet, she was brutally transparent and direct. She rarely or ever sugar-coated anything. Tell ya like it is kinda person and not hold back. Think the only reason she has been cryptic about this was to try to spare my feelings. 

I have committed to no contact, so the only answer will be time. If she reaches out (not at all hanging onto hope), but might be an indicator it was a "us," issue. If I never hear from her then still could have been an "us," issue but she has something positive in her life she transitioned into. 

** OMG! I totally forgot this till now, I just remembered. When we very first met and we were chatting (she is a very private person about her family and friends),  but we got into past relationships and she wouldn't say much about her ex of 5 years aside from he was a very terrible (abusive), person. I asked how it ended and she just shrugged and casually said  "I just ghosted him." 

I remember thinking "damn" 5 years and just like that? Ghosted? Guess I am sorta in the same boat now, albeit she at least gave me a long breakup text first,  but now believe the ghosting phase has begun for her. Regardless if she found someone or not. I think. *shrugs shoulders*

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, SoHereIam said:

she wouldn't say much about her ex of 5 years aside from he was a very terrible (abusive), person. I asked how it ended and she just shrugged and casually said  "I just ghosted him." 

I remember thinking "damn" 5 years and just like that? Ghosted? Guess I am sorta in the same boat now, albeit she at least gave me a long breakup text first,  but now believe the ghosting phase has begun for her

No, you are not in the same boat. 

There is a significant difference between ghosting an abusive ex, and kindly breaking up with someone and then reducing contact with him. You are not being ghosted in any sense of the word. This increasing distance is normal when a couple breaks up. And given that you don't know anything more about her past breakup and why she chose that way out of an abusive relationship, I would withold judgment on her for that. It may have been for her own safety. 

 

 

[SoHereIam]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, you are not in the same boat. 

There is a significant difference between ghosting an abusive ex, and kindly breaking up with someone and then reducing contact with him. You are not being ghosted in any sense of the word. This increasing distance is normal when a couple breaks up. And given that you don't know anything more about her past breakup and why she chose that way out of an abusive relationship, I would withold judgment on her for that. It may have been for her own safety. 

 

 

I guess when seeing it from a different perspective, that makes total sense what you just said. To be fair I never held judgment on how or why she ghosted him as I agree I never knew the extent of that relationship. My initial reaction at that time was more of me wondering at the time if was just her way of forewarning me if ever things got rough between us. Keep in mind this was a few months new into the relationship, so we were learning about one another. 

You're for sure right about one thing, I need to stop viewing her normal distancing as ghosting, that is on me  I am still learning. 

Edited April 25, 2023 by SoHereIam

[ConfusedByLife]

I’m late to the convo, but as I just read what you typed out here it’s very similar to what happened with me a couple weeks ago. Albeit, I was a little too forward in my approach to spending more time together because I would never get a direct answer, but went from renovating a living space for us, talking about children and getting married a few days prior to “I need a little bit of space” and that went to “I still feel the same about you and love you” and that went to “I’m very angry and hurt and don’t think I can do a relationship right now”, which went to “if you find someone else, go for it. Heal how you need to”. 

I agreed and was going to give up when I was told I would receive a phone call from her. The phone call was false hope as it went great, but when I sent a text a couple days later I was met with “please leave me alone. I’m not calling you, especially not today”. That destroyed me inside that I was being told to leave this girl alone, but it gave me what I needed to delete her on every social media app and cut all communication ties. 
 

I feel like that’s what I should have done in the beginning as you should have, but we don’t think logically in that state of mind. It’s like a drug. We go every day with this drug and it abruptly stops out of the blue and we go into withdrawal and do anything and everything to get this drug back in our life. 
 

I’m sorry you’re going through this and I, too, am going through something similar, so you’re not alone in this buddy. Take care of yourself first and if she comes running back like I hope my ex does… think twice before opening your arms up to her. You come first, not her! 

[Measure]

A lot of great advise already so I will try not to rehash any.  Also, in general, mostly, your attitude about it has been in the proper place.

There are only 3 "mistakes" you made.  First is "reaching out to her".  If someone tells me they don't want to be with me I'm not going to try to force myself on them or invade their space.  If she contacts you then sure, respond if you like.  Or don't.  But unless it's something you need her to know about and/or deal with, like a shared bill or obligation, there's no reason for you to initiate contact.  That will never serve any purpose for YOU.

The second is "getting upset" or "grilling her".  I know it hurts when this happens especially if you felt it was a surprise.  Honestly though, those terrible feelings are best worked out on your own.  Laying them on "her" won't serve any purpose or change things.  

The third is torturing yourself with social media.  I really don't see any point.  All it's going to do is either upset you or lower your opinion of her.

I've had a lot of long relationships.  I was "technically" married for 20 years (12 + seperated for 8 before divorced), had a couple 10+  year relationship, a couple 5 years, and more than a few 1 to 2+ year relationships.  When I've had a long relationship with someone I feel like we are a part of each other,  or at least we shared part of our lives together, so they will always hold a special place in my heart.  I always wish them well.  Also I remained friends with almost every woman I went out with. 

There have only been 2 exceptions to this.  One was a toxic 5 year relationship I couldn't escape when I was young.  When I finally did I severed all ties and would never speak to her again, even now 30+ years later. 

The other was a woman I was truly in love with. She was also the only woman I was ever faithful to.  We were at about 8 years living together when she split and it broke me.   She wanted to remain friends.  I told her that I couldn't be her friend, it would be too hard for me, but that I will always love her and always be here if she ever needs me.  I didn't hear from her for 4 months until she found out I had started "dating" someone a few weeks after our split.  She started calling and texting a lot after that.  I never initiated contact but I was always "happy" to hear from her and spoke to her honestly and respectfully.  She started asking to see me.  First pretending she needed a favor of a date for a work thing, then to "events" she was given tickets for and had nobody else to go with, then just straight up asking to see me.  I was always fun, friendly, glad to see her, and never spoke about our "relationship".  After 3 or 4 months of that she asked if she could please move back in to "our" house.

Er, i know I ramble a lot.  I hope you can glean the point in that mess 😜

[SoHereIam]

On 5/18/2023 at 6:54 PM, ConfusedByLife said:

I’m sorry you’re going through this and I, too, am going through something similar, so you’re not alone in this buddy. Take care of yourself first and if she comes running back like I hope my ex does… think twice before opening your arms up to her. You come first, not her! 

 

Wow! Shocked to see this post still has life to it. Since all of you have been so incredibly amazing to take the time to chime in with all sorts of advice. Wanted to respectfully reply. Sorry in advance if this reply is long as I tend to ramble at times! lol 

ConfusedByLife: I am so sorry you are going through the same bro, it's funny a month or two ago I could honestly say my actions was not my best and I was reacting from emotion like we all do. It's human nature I suppose but reflecting back I can see how handling the situation was entirely the wrong way to go about it! 

On 5/18/2023 at 9:34 PM, Measure said:

A lot of great advise already so I will try not to rehash any.  Also, in general, mostly, your attitude about it has been in the proper place.

 

Measure: I appreciate the support as well my friend, as much as I hate to see other good people go through the same stuff, there is an odd calming effect reading others journeys and knowing that sometimes there are things we cannot control and we do get hurt, we do learn from it, see peoples true colours and our own in worst of situations but most importantly! Tomorrow is another day and we can recover and move on and heal! 

Now for the long part (I am so sorry lol) UPDATE!! 

I took the advice of everyone and let silence be my weapon of healing with her since I last posted here. About a week or two of silence, I received a text from her and I thought long and hard about not responding or taking the bait. I eventually did reply, not out of any false sense of hope or wishful thinking but just to be respectful. It was polite and short. That lead to a lengthier convo over the next few days and the distance was there, but the coldness wasn't. 

This point, I lowered my guard to tell her some tragic news I had been withholding from her as I felt she deserved to know which was my moms dog which she had fell in love with over the 2 years of dating was being put to sleep in a couple of days. She called me instantly crying. I told her i struggled with this bit of info since we are not anything but I felt like garbage had I not told her. So I apologized for giving her the news. Then she texted me a hour later asking to see him. Although I suggested a neutral meeting spot I ended up driving the distance to her place and let her come out in the parking lot. Sat in my car as she held him and cried, I was emotional too as the thought of losing the little guy was the only thing on my mind. She thanked me for doing this I replied "of course, you were nothing but amazing to him." 

I sat quiet in the car at let her have her time with him and i stared out the window in silence, didn't say much. About 5 minutes in i feel someone grab my hand and I look over and she already in tears bursted out crying, "I miss you soooo much!" I responded as well as I did too but it is what it is. Hoping to wrap things up she  then asked if I would mind going to a drive through to get something to eat. I obliged and we sat there and chatted while she got a quick snack. 

This was where things got a little odd and funny for me, during this convo she full out broke down and said the last few weeks that she was cold and just heatless, she was suffering worse than I ever was.... If and when I did text her, she would instantly break down and cry, she would stare at a pic of me and break down at work etc... Confessed she missed my family a lot. Apparently this carried on daily for her.. Who knew!?? I honestly felt I was dead to her from the tone in her messages and breakup. 

We chatted for a long time, but I told her I needed to get the little guy home. 

Fast forward all the increment details... we had been on more speaking terms and I again must reiterate, this wasn't me holding onto hope or breadcrumbs just being respectful as she was being cordial. Then one night she asked me to come over and I actually agreed. I walked in and we sat, not even 20 minutes into that she was trying to be intimate at first I was reluctant but emotions caught up and things happened. 

(EDIT: forgot to mention to all that thought she moved on or found another guy. I told her I went dark cause I figured she met someone else and I loved her enough to leave her be and find happiness she deserved. That didn't go well as she bursted into tears asking me how could i think like that and how the f&^*!  could she even think about entertaining other guys at a time like this...) 

The following weeks go by and before I knew it we both slipped back into a relationship like scenario, oddly her texts still came off generic but when we were together she was like girlfriend 2.0. "love you's" etc.. I even caught myself one day thinking, "damn I fell for the trap, breadcrumbs and all."  This is messed up logic I suppose but I internally believe once a breakup happens, things will never be the same and it's just destined to end all over again once she her emotions replicate like she initially felt. The only thing I could do was use this as an opportunity to right the wrongs I did from my past. Not to win her over but to let her know, I listened and I valued what she thought and I made an effort. So whatever happens from this point I can NOW walk away from this with my head held high. (I think that is why i struggled from the first breakup, I now felt I didn't put my best foot forward and gave her reasons and my conscience killed me). 

Now for the bad part.... 

Well everything was amazing till about a week ago, she ended up going on a trip with her girls she had planned for quite some time. Wished her well on her trip. Her communication sort of was spotty again, not cold but the frequency dropped a little, but I didn't let it bother me as it's out of my control. Gets to her destination I get a text "just landed, I miss you, wish you were here with me instead." I replied "aww, well maybe I can plan a trip for us when you get back?" She loved the idea... 

Texts was frequent (she would initiate all the texts) from that point up until day 4 of her 7 day trip lol.  Nothing! I waited a day, and sent a quick text "you good?" she instantly replied "ya why?" and I explained just haven't heard from her in a couple of days or so and wanted to make sure her and the girls were safe and I assumed she prob soaking up the last bit of her vacation and to have fun. 

A quick "thank youuuu!." that was it. 

Didn't bother messaging after that. Sent a quick "safe flight home," a few days later, she again replied happy face emoji and a "thank youuuu!!" 

Few hours later got a text "landed" and we chatted for a few minutes.  4 hours pass, thinking might get a call or an invite from her to come over to hear all about her trip. Nothing. "Oh well," I thought, but I will be civil and send a quick message at night wishing her a "goodnight," and hopefully we can catch up soon. I get instantly "absolutely.. just on the phone with family catching up!'

It's been about 3 days since I last heard from her, not putting much stock or emotion in to this as perhaps whatever we had going might have run it's course as I feel her communications since halfway through her trip till now sort of felt like the same "ruh roh,'" gut feeling I had right before the lead up to our first break up. 

I know through a mutual friend innocently divulging she's constantly on her social media for hours and hours, whatsapp (she was on like early eve till 6am), so I all I took from that was, I know she's capable of reaching out to people, just not to me! Lmao.. (don't worry I took the info at face value and this forums advice and never bothered to check or stalk her myself). TBH I don't even care anymore. 

Point being I made my peace, no regrets as I had a blast the last month of whatever we had and if things don't work out now, well I had the beta test of her breaking up before this time so the hurt is not as much or there anymore as I am not blindsided this time!  I am walking away with my head held high knowing I put a far better effort recently and now whatever happens is completely out of my control! 

Sorry for the rambling, poor punctuation etc.. I was speed typing this as I was heading out the door..... 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, SoHereIam said:

 I am walking away with my head held high knowing I put a far better effort recently and now whatever happens is completely out of my control! 

This is a good idea. 

It is never wise to let a dumper get that close again without any expressed intention of commtting to trying things again, unfortunately. You simply wind up being the stand-in while they navigate the waters as a newly.-single person. You're the familiar face that eases the boredom or loneliness that comes from suddenly being uncoupled, but it doesn't always mean they've changed their mind about breaking up.

How do I know? Because I was that girl, many years ago now. I'd broken up with a long-term boyfriend whom I cared about but no longer wanted to date. I was immature  about it, because I still agreed to meet him and hang out after I had dumped him even though my feelings about breaking up had not changed at all. I knew he wanted to get back together, and yet I thought we could just be "friends." It was only when I met another guy I was interested in that I realized what an absolute jerk I was being to my ex, so I told him we needed to end all contact. I carried that guilt with me for a long time and learned a hard lesson about how to treat people in these situations. 

Be careful not to fall into that trap again should your ex want attention and get in touch with you in a few days. Unless she wants to reconcile, you need to stop all communication with her. 

[SoHereIam]

On 6/4/2023 at 2:35 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Be careful not to fall into that trap again should your ex want attention and get in touch with you in a few days. Unless she wants to reconcile, you need to stop all communication with her. 

You were so right Expat! Thank you. Sorry it has taken me this long to jump back on here. Oh boy!  It has been a journey. 

Here is my last reply to give an update. Sorry for the weird spacing as I copied and pasted this. 

Hey Gang,

Thought I would jump on here and pen my final words to this end this chapter.

Mostly cause you all have been amazing with the support, advice and encouragement even if I needed to hear the harsh truth or see the reality of things.  There is also a cathartic element to scripting one’s heart out here.

I know it’s been some time, but I needed to slip away from the world and really implement the fight for myself as this was much bigger than just a “breakup!” 

To sum it up, she ghosted me after her girl's trip. Gave her some space. Eventually, after a few weeks, I confronted her via text to see what the deal was and the complete 180 of coldness came back. 

The gist of it was halfway through her trip she had concluded or had this epiphany that no matter how amazing things were reconciling and getting back she felt they she should have “stuck to her guns!” and honoured the breakup from the initial time she did back in March. 

Like a complete fool, we chatted back and forth and as she would speak “matter of factly,” I would counter with incoherent ramblings of me trying to explain myself. By no means was any of it was done in an articulate manner or on a level I could walk away with my head held high. Albeit, I didn’t beg or plead for second chances, I was just struggling to illustrate to her how her interpretation of things was vastly diff from mine. Prob didn’t help learning recently she’s Neurodivergent and I’m Neurotypical. Two very extreme viewpoints on things. 

Nonetheless, as harsh as that convo was the main takeaway from this was: 

“I love you and always will.”

“I always see you in my life in some way, but just can’t snap my fingers and just be friends.” 

(Odd cause never asked to be friends).

“You’re legit best bf I ever had.”

“You have too much on your plate”

“We are different phases in our lives.”

“I need to focus on my family and me” 

“I always saw a future with you but think that was a fairy tale and now I see the reality of things.” 

(Not sure of the exact context of that one)

 

The one thing that devastated me in this talk she accused me of: (I’m fully prepared to be flamed for this!) 

“Having a hidden agenda,” because I asked to speak in person or by phone (as texting with a neurodivergent the context is always misinterpreted). She took that as me being slick and that I knew all the right things to say, and she would be weak and “fall for things again.” Never understood that as my words were no less genuine or sincere than had we been in a better place in the relationship.

“Disrespectful,” because I elected to reach out to her as she was working that day and she didn’t want to be upset. In my defense, I had no idea she picked up a shift that day as I assumed it was her normal day off. 

“Manipulative,” because I indicated I feel conflicted that she initially started off with reasons of her not being of sane mind and not being a good gf to me but then the latter part of the convos deflected to all the things I may have wronged the relationship! She felt I refused to accept it had nothing to do with me and that it was always her own issue for the breakup. 

Not my proudest moment, but those words ignited such hurt. It was those words I elected to give her respect and leave her alone for good. 10 days later she texted me as if nothing happened and asked me if I was able to arrange medical benefits as something came up at work that reminded her about it. I kindly responded and asked her to go ahead and remove me and she replied, “You sure because I don’t mind.” 

I said, “You’re sweet to offer but thank you.”

She asked about a mechanical car question if I would offer advice. Answered it, she thanked me and that was it….. been day 55 to date of no contact.

Fast forward, finally broke and talked to my best friend of 20-plus years she sensed something was wrong with me. The next thing I knew she was at my door in tears begging me to seek “professional help,” as the guy she always knew was not the man she was speaking to. Something was drastically off.

I struggled with this and confided to another close friend whom I always admired and awed given his intellect and success…. Told him what was suggested about “seeking help,” and expecting to hear him dismissing it he responded with, “I have nothing but the most respect for any person who has the courage to recognize something is wrong and ask for the right help to rectify their life!” 

So, with that, I bit the bullet and arranged for professional help. 

It was the best thing in my life I ever did!

I have now learned that since the passing of my dad (the same month she aggressively pursued me), I progressively started to mentally shut down triggering 4-5 severe mental disorders that basically prevented me from functioning like a normal human being which affected my ability to execute things or my ambitious drive. Basically, as explained to me I was functioning at a very low capacity both mentally and physically. A simple task like going to the grocery store or doing a mathematical question would subconsciously exhaust every ounce of my brain and body. Thus, putting my family's needs first, caring for a severely sickly dog that gave me few hours of sleep at night and then trying my best to manage a girlfriend was pushing my mind and body beyond their limits.  

I always was a take-action kind of guy who always fixed things and always was on my game, whether that be socially, romantically or career-wise and yet here I was coasting along the bare minimum but worse not cognizant enough to realize it. I wasn't a monster but I wasn't at my full potential to really sweep her off her feet and never regret her choice. 

It was severe enough they suggested meds and ongoing therapy, I elected for the continuation of therapy but asked to let me try to fight my way back without the meds.

Oddly, the traumas of losing my dad sent me over the deep end, but the shock and trauma of the breakup snapped something in my brain that set things in motion like an awakening. I finally cried for days and weeks, they helped me acknowledge my dad's passing. I no longer trap or deny this traumatic event. I now learned to grieve in a healthy manner.

Then came the relationship acknowledgement, I was sitting in a session one day and all of a sudden, my eyes just opened wide, and I swear I turned into the “Rainman,” I started to recite like a robot every text verbatim she ever mentioned, mostly the ones she would sweetly indicate some sort of concern. Even some of the positive loving things she would say. What was weird, I even would recall the exact date it was texted on. I was paralyzed in thought, like "what have I done!!??"

 Later, on my own time, I searched the texts to validate I did indeed recall all of it correctly.Whether it was a month ago or year ago. 

 

It’s funny looking back at all the convos I used to have with her if she brought a concern up, I now see I was basically dismissive or perhaps defensive in the sense that I’d hear the words but never truly processed it or address it directly. I analogized it to standing in front of a burning building and your brain knows the danger, but you just sit there staring blankly not taking the proper actions. 

I specifically recall pleading a few times to her in my rare pockets of clarity during the relationship “Babe I feel so stuck on stupid like I’m in a coma standing outside watching my body lying on the table unable to do anything,” or I would tell her “I feel like I’m in a movie watching from the outside but unable to control the narrative.” (The movie analogy was identical wording in the descriptive of symptoms to one of the disorders I possessed).   

During my very last convo with the ex, I initiated it by “It hit me it hit,” and she was annoyed and confused “What hit you?” “You keep saying that what does that mean?”…. I think it was a small breakthrough of the mental fog clearing but back then probably not enough to communicate a rash explanation or make any sense of it. Sometimes I wonder if that day was a cryptic cry for help more than me seeking some kind of closure from her.

I feel the lack of execution on my part on anything was her interpreting this as not the ambitious/driven guy she presumed I was. 

I know the therapist and docs tell me this is something I had no control over, and I cannot harbour the level of guilt for pushing her away or the lack of my actions given my mental state. Somehow, I just can’t let that go, I experienced denial stages of accepting I was not mentally intact or the inability to have let things slip by for so long!

It haunts me every day I wake up! 

The worst part is there is this incessant desire to want to run to her and confide to one another as we used to and explain everything that has happened but, in my heart, I know the damage is too far gone. Know this would fall on deaf ears and would never receive the passionate understanding she once had when we were together. Hence, I will secretly wish her the very best. Just wish we could have kept things a little more respectful and bow out gracefully versus slamming doors shut and ghosting and silence. It hurts.

The therapist did mention as a takeaway, “If at your worst you had to have some great qualities to have been able to somehow keep this girl in your life for almost 3 years imagine the guy you’ll be when you’re back on track. Hard to accept but somewhat inspiring.

Their attempt to also reprogram my brain to accept I did my best to warn her initially when we first met that with my dad and everything else happening, I was not sound mind to get into any sort of relationship. It was she who pushed for it, so perhaps there is a slight onus on her part (?) Not to mention a little dig from the therapist's annoyance that she’s a person in the medical profession and she could have exercised better judgement understanding the potential dangers. 

Been almost two months not a word from her…

Oddly saw her the other day for the first time, visiting a business that’s like 30 seconds from my house. Damn, that was hard. Thank God, she didn’t see me!  Didn’t expect to see her in my neck of the woods as she lives 30 minutes away. 

As for me … this all started in February, and since then I have agreed to work on me first. 

Joined the gym and lost 30 lbs. Prob the best shape I’ve ever been. 

Working on 2 new business ventures hoping to launch them in the year if all works out. 

Guess if and ever I hear from her and graced with the opportunity to sincerely apologize to her, regardless of my sanity she truly deserved a guy who would have moved heaven and earth for her. That I am truly sorry I was not able to be that guy.  

Before that ever happens!! I read this saying that stuck with me….

“An apology without the changes is just manipulation!” 

So, I need to fix myself first before anything! 

 

From my heart! Thank you everyone for all the help in all of this and mostly for reading this novel!