overthinking things and is she (my crush) hiding her new boyfriend from me?

[LonelySigma]

Hello,

Background: I recently attempted to let go of a crush I once had caught feelings for, but such feelings became painful and I experienced hurt when I found out they were attached to someone else on social media. I must say, the person I developed feelings for identifies as "they/them" (though is physically a cis-gendered female) but I saw something in them that I thought was special, so I was willing to sustain my feelings for them in hopes for a chance. Though, unfortunately, I waited too long to make any move and they are now seeing someone else daily (a cis-gendered male; he/him). I have recently learned to accept it and move on, but it is difficult knowing someone else is making her see the beauty in herself that I had saw in her some time ago. They now spend so much time together that I do not have any chance.

Issue: However, I am beginning to notice that she (i'll refer to them as "she" now in this context) is acting much different around me. For example, at work, she began to talk to me more and wanted to be in my presence. Oddly, when I was explaining a process to a guest we brought in, she entered the room, followed me around, stood behind me, followed into another room I had just entered, and when I began to slow down my talk, she spoke up and asked me a really random question that she could have easily asked anybody else ("do you know where [this] is?"). Another example of such odd behavior is that, when I went for lunch, she walked in with her new guy, but after she saw me (I don't think she knows I saw them), she led him to the back of the room and stood there instead of going for food until I got up and left. Still, I am noticing she does not post on media as frequently as she used to and has never posted a photo of him with the her new guy (except for once, the very initial post where behaviors began to change). I am certain she knows that I crushed on her before, even though I never indicated I liked her before.

My thinking: Whether I did a good job explaining the issue or not, I know one key takeaway from this experience almost certainly--she is trying to hide her new guy from me, and I think most likely not to "hurt" me because she thinks (although its true) that I liked her. I am in the process of getting over her, but this behavior is causing me to overthink a lot--It's almost extending the pain. In terms of their relationship, I genuinely do not want to get in the way of their happiness. I do not want her to think about me (trying to protect me) while she is with him, but I do not know what I can do about that. Should I act happier on my own so she knows I am doing okay? (even though sometimes I'm not). I haven't liked her posts in awhile or watched her stories, so that may have tipped her off. But I just need help determining the best course of action to take. Should I tell her I had a crush on her and that I am a little bit sad but say "do not worry about me"? or Should I continue on my own and pretend like my feelings never happened and allow them to move on?

This all occurred over the past week and a half, so action is not too late I do not think.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, LonelySigma said:

 For example, at work, she began to talk to me more and wanted to be in my presence. 

Just continue with whatever you are doing. Be congenial and polite. She has a BF and although you were disappointed, she's not available for anything but friendship.

What you could do is redirect your focus on women who have a mutual interest in dating you. 

It's better to not get romantically involved with coworkers. It's ok to have a crush but you'll need to refocus on other available women.

[ExpatInItaly]

48 minutes ago, LonelySigma said:

I do not want her to think about me (trying to protect me) while she is with him

I don't mean to be unkind, but I highly doubt she is doing this. 

I think she is just going about her daily life and keeping things discreet with her new man, but I don't believe it has anything to do with you. It doesn't appear you know her too well, so why would she base her choices around you? 

50 minutes ago, LonelySigma said:

Should I tell her I had a crush on her and that I am a little bit sad but say "do not worry about me"?

No, don't do this. It is awkward and there is currently nothing to suggest she is worried about you. Work through your feelings on your own and resist the temptation to assume her behaviour is related to you. You might be connecting dots that just aren't there. 

 

[LonelySigma]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't mean to be unkind, but I highly doubt she is doing this. 

I would genuinely like to think you are correct. However, I think it is very obvious that I am on her mind in some shape or form considering how sweet/protective she has gotten toward me lately, and only me apart from her BF (as if she feels bad, but that would have to mean she knew I liked her in some way before). 

Though, maybe I am being absolutely delusional... i guess that's what the pain does.

 

In the post-crush phase, anyhow, it is difficult to let go. I often find myself wondering on her media page and it is difficult not to because she was the only thing on my mind for so long and shutting that off is seemingly impossible at the moment. It used to be just thinking about her made me happy, and I existed in this neutral zone of overromanticizing her and not making a move (which I regret), but now it hurts and I still can't stop thinking about her. Although I have many things going for me (and, honestly, I have put up one of the best academic years professionally/personally ever), losing her to someone feels like a greater magnitude of loss than all my wins combined. 

I literally wrote two successful grant proposals--one of which is citable as (lastname, 2023)--, contributed to research projects, began a business endeavor, earned summer internship, learned to invest intelligently (which is up 30% in a month), nominated for student employee of the year (most expect me to win this), and have a toned body that I have worked for in the gym, all in the 3.5months of this year. But, ultimately, it is difficult to celebrate when losing her to someone else feels like a greater impact on my mind and heart. Is this what entering depression is like? Is there any coping mechanism I can do? I am at a point where I just wish I could be the me from before again.

(I apologize, sometimes I just write and post as a coping mechanism to release these inner thoughts that I'm drowning in).

Edited April 23, 2023 by LonelySigma

[ExpatInItaly]

17 minutes ago, LonelySigma said:

I think it is very obvious that I am on her mind in some shape or form considering how sweet/protective she has gotten toward me lately, and only me apart from her BF (as if she feels bad, but that would have to mean she knew I liked her in some way before). 

I don't see any real evidence to support this, based on what you have written. 

What was the extent of your relationship to her before you learned she had a boyfriend? Were you friends? Or just work colleagues who don't really know each other? 

[LonelySigma]

We were just work colleagues. We never really talked at all. 

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, LonelySigma said:

We were just work colleagues. We never really talked at all. 

In that case, I would say with confidence that you are really over-thinking all of this. 

She doesn't know you, really. There is no reason she'd feel bad for you, hide her boyfriend from you, or otherwise base any of her behaviour around you at all. I don't say that to be harsh, but instead to point out that you're applying meaning and a narrative that doesn't seem to have a basis in reality. 

So, don't worry about approaching her with this. She's perfectly fine. Concentrate on moving past your crush on her instead.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, LonelySigma said:

 I just write and post as a coping mechanism to release these inner thoughts that I'm drowning in.

Please contact an advisor. Also please contact student health and counseling.

They will be able to help you get grounded and help you with the obsessive thoughts. 

People are trying to help you and let you know she has a BF and you need to move on, but you seem very painfully trapped in loops of your own thoughts. There is help for that but you'll need to talk to a professional therapist.

[JTSW]

You have created a number of scenarios in your head that are just fictional.

You are way overthinking things that are not there.

No, there is no evidence that you are on her mind.

No, she is not trying to hurt you. Why would anyone even do that? It doesn't make any sense.

Don't tell her about your crush.

She has a bf so you need to respect that and stay out of it. 

Move on.

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, LonelySigma said:

I think it is very obvious that I am on her mind in some shape or form considering how sweet/protective she has gotten toward me lately, and only me apart from her BF (as if she feels bad, but that would have to mean she knew I liked her in some way before).

They probably recognize that you have feelings for them. So, perhaps they are being respectful of your feelings so as to not make you feel hurt. HOWEVER, that does NOT mean they have romantic interest in you, they are just being "kind".

I agree with several others above that you're best served moving on from this and finding someone else to date. It's true that can be easier said than done depending on how severe the crush is, however there's really no sense in spending more months of your life "pining" over someone you can't have instead of looking for/progressing a new relationship.

Edited April 24, 2023 by mark clemson