How to choose between ex [36F] who wants me back, or new partner [34F]

[agonyandirony]

I met my ex in 2015 online. She lives on the West Coast Canada, I live in Scotland -  ridiculously far apart obviously. We found each other accidentally on a forum and never intended to get into a relationship. A few messages about a common interest turned into talking every day and eventually falling deeply in love. In 2016 I took a career break and moved out to be with her. The first 6 months or so were nothing short of magical - I have never felt so happy, satisfied and whole. Everything about her was perfect. lt felt like I found my soulmate. 

But...

In early 2017, she spent some time with a family member and this triggered what she would describe as trauma/PTSD from abuse/neglect she suffered as a child. Her life completely unravelled - she quit her job, moved in with a family member who she hates, cut off family and friends, stopped taking care of herself, sank into a deep depression. She was also absolutely horrible to me for a long time, something she acknowledges was emotional abuse owing to what she was experiencing. I did my best to support her but eventually had to move away to get my own life back on track (I didn't have the necessary visa to live and work in her city permanently). I visited as often as I could and tried to support her from afar. It was an incredible strain on the relationship and me personally. My friends and family were concerned and told me to get out of the relationship, but I felt this sense of loyalty and that I had to be there for her - I couldn't let go of the girl she was when we met.

While there were of course, periods of relative stability and happiness, this situation more or less continued until 2020. I had permanently settled back in Scotland and got my life on track, things were going quite well. However, I was by this stage thoroughly sick of the arguing, misery, stress and unacceptable behaviour I was experiencing from my girlfriend, particularly when we were apart. My empathy well was dry, and I found myself caring/placating her less. We were drifting apart. We soon broke up altogether - she broke up with me in the heat of an argument, and I said fine (being totally done by this point). 

I think at this point we, or at least I, would probably have moved on. Things were going well for me. But then covid and lockdowns happened and we were trapped inside our houses. So we sortof continued talking. Her behaviour towards me wasn't as inappropriate as it had been, since she had been going to therapy. We still argued a lot, and it was a generally quite toxic and dysfunctional (technically platonic) relationship because her situation was essentially unchanged - she was living with a family member she hated (and who she said triggered her trauma), she was alone, miserable, depressed, unemployed, never went outside due to covid paranoia (allergic to vaccine) etc. I tolerated this, but because I had gotten therapy myself (relating to the relationship and her treatment of me) I set some firm boundaries and generally tried to keep a healthy distance when I needed to. This in itself sometimes also caused arguments. 

So 2021 into 2022, lockdowns over and I'm going out and meeting people, travelling, and living a great life. She was not, and I am thoroughly sick of her at this point. My therapist practically begs me to go no contact with her, suspecting she has Borderline Personality Disorder, I am too ashamed to tell friends/family I'm still talking to her after what she put me (and by extension them when I was struggling with her) through. In hindsight this was very weak of me, because keeping her in my life meant that a part of me was still holding on to her, and I therefore wasn't fully emotionally available to new prospective partners that I was dating. But I couldn't let go.

By late 2022 she got a decent remote job, and her mood began to life due to therapy. She moved out and cut off the family member whom she was largely blaming for her mood (I personally got on very well with this family member who seemed lovely, so didn't really get her animosity but guess it is to do with childhood stuff). She was still a bit emotionally volatile at times, and seemed to always have some sort of drama or issue in her life - whether health, emotional, work etc. She was still far from the happy, stable, outgoing girl I fell in love with years previously, but this was a marked improvement. 

Last month I met up with her for a few days since I happened to be travelling within the area. We were still only friends, though with an obviously strong connection from years of knowing each other intimately. I perhaps naively wasn't sure how this visit would go, though was slightly nervous about it. As you have probably guessed, we slept together very quickly and relived the passion we once knew. In some ways it felt really right - so natural, like 'home', it's difficult to describe. In other ways, there were some things about her life and living situation that gave me slight cause for concern. I also felt a bit anxious about having slept with her, and was slightly paranoid she was pregnant (I did use protection though, so this slightly irrational paranoia probably speaks more to my unease about being 'trapped' with her long term). I could write a lot about this trip, but essentially some parts were wonderful, and some parts made me a bit nervous. Probably mostly the former to be fair. 

So here we are. I'm back home and we are still friends but she is very keen that we give things a proper try - easing back into a relationship. With covid lifting, and her remote job, she could spent time here with me quite easily, and I also am able to visit her more frequently. So the distance in itself isn't a major problem as it once was. I have understandably made my reservations/apprehensions clear to her. I've said that I will always love her, but because of the prolonged period (years) of difficulty between us, the cumulation of all the arguing, emotional abuse and stress, I don't feel safe with her or confident about going back into a full on relationship. She has begged my forgiveness for the way she was in the past, and said she has made all these changes in her life (moving out, therapy, improving her situation and mood etc) with the hope that we will get back together someday. She says she doesn't know what else she needs to do to prove herself to me. She thinks I am holding onto the hurt of the past, and will never let her escape from the shadow of who she was, and that I need to let go. I should add that she is not being forceful or dramatic at all about this, she sincerely wants us both to be happy - either by separating and moving on with other people, or working towards getting back together.

So essentially the ball is in my court, and I feel so torn. It's tearing me apart. I deeply regret not parting ways with her altogether in late 2021 when things were still so terrible between us and a decision to leave (retrospectively) seems easy and obvious. But now she seems like she might be well on the road to being that person I feel so deeply madly in love with in 2016. What if I walk away and she really is better? Would I be throwing away the chance of the magical happy ever after with her, just as it is finally within reach? Will I be doomed to watch some other guy live the life I always wanted with her? Is this a love conquers all situation that I should just stay with? Is this my soul mate and one and only shot at happiness? What if I never find anyone close to what I had with her? I'm in my 30s now, do I really want to go back to dating and trying to find someone even remotely as compatible as she was? Wouldn't this be a complete waste of the years we've spent together, and time/energy we invested in one another? 

On the other hand, if I get back with her, am I risking throwing away years more of my life on a doomed relationship with someone who will never really change? Or worse, end up with kids in some sort of toxic relationship with her, unable to leave if/when she falls apart again? Will my family and friends ever forgive and respect her after how she was? Would I be subjecting myself to long term stress and difficulty trying to make things work with her? What if she didn't really change and this is only a good phase? I hate to say this as well, but because she is a bit older than me at 39 there is a part of me that is also concerned about the prospect of being able to start a family with her (we would presumably need to move quite quickly there given biological necessity). 

The pressure of this decision is crushing me. If she lived in my city, I guess we would ease into things, a few coffee dates, spending time to see how we were together and how things felt. While the distance is not a major issue because of our work status, it does mean that we sortof have to go all or nothing here. I can't fly to the other side of the world to have a coffee or spend the day together. We would have to plan visits, and refrain from dating people in that time. Another 6 months could go by easily. 

Both roads seem risky, and I am so afraid. If anyone has bothered to take the time to read this, I would be so incredibly grateful for advice on how to make this impossible decision.

Do I give my formerly abusive, long-distance ex, who was once the love of my life and who has demonstrably changed for the better, a second chance? 

 

 

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

No.  Did you learn anything from your past experiences with her?

Quote

Would I be throwing away the chance of the magical happy ever after with her, just as it is finally within reach?

Do you actually know people with a "magical happy ever after"?  I don't think that's a real thing.  If it ever is, it would not be likely to happen with this kind of fraught history already in place.

One year ago she was still *blaming* a family member for everything wrong with her adult (and not young adult) life.  She moved out.  Good.  But I think it's a big stretch to believe that someone with this history has turned a complete corner so suddenly.  

Maybe if you're both still single after she's had 5 consecutive years of stable behavior, including handling herself appropriately if she gets in "triggering" situations.  

[glows]

You both need to speak with accountants regarding income tax if intending to live internationally. There may be tax implications when filing. 

I don’t particularly see any advantage to investing any more emotionally in this than you already have. If she wants to be with you she can work at it, gather the correct info and make the move to Scotland. From there you both can choose to date locally. Or vice versa. At the moment it’s cart before the horse.

[agonyandirony]

9 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

No.  Did you learn anything from your past experiences with her?

Do you actually know people with a "magical happy ever after"?  I don't think that's a real thing.  If it ever is, it would not be likely to happen with this kind of fraught history already in place.

One year ago she was still *blaming* a family member for everything wrong with her adult (and not young adult) life.  She moved out.  Good.  But I think it's a big stretch to believe that someone with this history has turned a complete corner so suddenly.  

Maybe if you're both still single after she's had 5 consecutive years of stable behavior, including handling herself appropriately if she gets in "triggering" situations.  

Thanks very much for taking the time to read and share your views, it was helpful. 

By the magical ending, I suppose I meant the happy future we imagined for ourselves when things were going well at the beginning, and we were very much in love. It is a difficult to let go of, when she is essentially trying to persuade me that it is tantalisingly close. I'm worried I'll wonder what if and regret - even though, from a logical perspective, I can appreciate the evidence to the contrary in the form of a 'fraught history' as you put it. 

Her relationship with her family is awful, she has basically either cut them off or is not in contact with them (moving to a new city without giving them the address). I am very family oriented, so I find this strange and a bit of a red flag if I'm honest, but I guess I accepted her long story about why this was necessary, even if I don't necessarily agree with it. 

You're right though, maybe the key is not to rush into things either way. To let her prove that she is consistently and reliably stable before making any sort of commitment. I worry that if I date others in the meantime though that would effectively terminate the prospect with her anyway, which is another reason why I feel I need to make a decision of sorts sooner rather than later. 

[agonyandirony]

1 hour ago, glows said:

You both need to speak with accountants regarding income tax if intending to live internationally. There may be tax implications when filing. 

I don’t particularly see any advantage to investing any more emotionally in this than you already have. If she wants to be with you she can work at it, gather the correct info and make the move to Scotland. From there you both can choose to date locally. Or vice versa. At the moment it’s cart before the horse.

Thanks glows, I'm guessing you are an accountant because I can honestly say that tax implications were the last thing I was thinking about here! 

I'm not sure what you mean by 'correct info' but yea you're right, I don't think the onus is on me given the difficulties to date have largely been from her and the issues (for lack of a better word) she was dealing with. She has argued that the steps she has taken to improve herself thusfar e.g. moving out should be enough, and that 'nothing will ever be good enough for me'. Which feels a bit emotionally manipulative. I have said I want to feel safe with her, and that a lot of the things she has done so far (e.g. recovering from depression, getting employment) are what she should be doing for herself anyway. That while commendable, she is essentially getting herself to what should have been the starting point for our relationship and to a place that is the minimum I deserve - a stable partner. 

So we are at a bit of an impasse. She has talked about visiting and staying with me, for a few weeks say. Which might be a way forward. Again, I feel like she is leaving it to me to drive that forward when it should be coming from her. 

[JTSW]

13 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

this triggered what she would describe as trauma/PTSD from abuse/neglect she suffered as a child. Her life completely unravelled

Th bolded is the key word here.

She was easily triggered, and the chances of that happening again are pretty certain.

13 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

She was also absolutely horrible to me for a long time, something she acknowledges was emotional abuse owing to what she was experiencing.

Do you think you can go through this again when she gets triggered again?

Because you will be living your life with her on pins, always wondering what will trigger her again.

My advise is to not put yourself through this again.

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sure I will come off as an old curmudgeon, but I've been around a long time - including on boards like this.  This absolute embrace of "TRAUMA" and "TRIGGERING" as "excuses" for terrible behavior is new and it's not helpful.

If we had abusive childhoods, we probably are carrying negative baggage forward from that unless we've managed to work through it in some way.  This is not always in the form of years of therapy or formal "work."  

Regardless of what happened in our pasts, as adults we are fully responsible for our actions and how we treat other people. 

Our triggers or trauma (which 5 years ago would not even have been considered notable) are not excuses in any way for treating people badly, self destruction, criminal behavior, etc.  They can offer insights as to why and show possible pathways to healing.  

 

[agonyandirony]

25 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm sure I will come off as an old curmudgeon, but I've been around a long time - including on boards like this.  This absolute embrace of "TRAUMA" and "TRIGGERING" as "excuses" for terrible behavior is new and it's not helpful

You don't, I agree with you. Referring to events of 30 years ago as often as she does, seems to me to be an attempt to shift responsibility or illicit sympathy or excuse bad behaviour. The  hypocrisy of her telling me to 'get over' the emotional abuse from her in the last few years, while also explaining it as being caused by abuse she experienced decades ago. 

[MsJayne]

I’d be curious about the family member she moved in with. She says this family member caused PTSD symptoms to surface, you say you found this family member “lovely”.  For anyone who’s familiar with narcissism within a family unit this is a typical dynamic. Outsiders usually perceive the narcissist as “lovely”, but the truth is actually the opposite. I may be way off track but if you do a bit of research on the effects of narcissism within a family, (a narcissistic parent or sibling), it may shed some light. Your girl sounds like she may be a victim of narcissistic abuse. If this was the case, just you thinking that family member is “lovely” would be enough to cause distress and anger in your girl and would explain much of her hostility towards you, (from her point of view you’re endorsing a person who’s a sociopathic abuser but she has no way of explaining what went on without sounding like she’s the crazy one, for example, still unable to move on from past hurts from 30 years ago). As I said, I may be wrong, but when spending time with family results in unstable behaviour and mood disorder there’s definitely something very wrong in the family, and if everything seems normal on the surface there’s a good chance I’m right about what the problem is. As far as your relationship goes, it sounds like you care deeply for her, so before you make a decision about whether to continue your relationship with her you should learn about what she may have gone through. Here’s a link that may be helpful;

http://www.harperwest.co/how-does-a-narcissistic-sibling-affect-the-personality-of-a-brother-or-sister/

 

[glows]

On 2/17/2023 at 12:43 AM, agonyandirony said:

Thanks glows, I'm guessing you are an accountant because I can honestly say that tax implications were the last thing I was thinking about here! 

I'm not sure what you mean by 'correct info' but yea you're right, I don't think the onus is on me given the difficulties to date have largely been from her and the issues (for lack of a better word) she was dealing with. She has argued that the steps she has taken to improve herself thusfar e.g. moving out should be enough, and that 'nothing will ever be good enough for me'. Which feels a bit emotionally manipulative. I have said I want to feel safe with her, and that a lot of the things she has done so far (e.g. recovering from depression, getting employment) are what she should be doing for herself anyway. That while commendable, she is essentially getting herself to what should have been the starting point for our relationship and to a place that is the minimum I deserve - a stable partner. 

So we are at a bit of an impasse. She has talked about visiting and staying with me, for a few weeks say. Which might be a way forward. Again, I feel like she is leaving it to me to drive that forward when it should be coming from her. 

Retired now. It may not be feasible - this idea of living abroad working for the same employer in another country. One of you may have to start over, or the move never goes through and you’re remaining in an endless loop thinking there’s hope when there isn’t. That’s my point about employment, taxes and getting the info either of you will need to make that move. At this point you both seem like you’re missing the forest for the trees. Respectfully, it’s irrelevant what mental health issues she has or who seems manipulative when neither of you have the means or the details needed to work out whether moving is a reality at all. 

The point of all this is to end up in the same locale and build a life together. A relationship is hypothetical and not at all realistic, more like a fantasy that you both appear to be holding onto instead of working out the practicalities of being together. 

I think you’re caught up in the emotions of seeing one another and then feeling hit by previous issues in the relationship that didn’t seem to have been resolved the first time around. All very understandable but seems painful that you’re keeping yourself in this holding pattern.

You may be feeling overwhelmed and lost but do try being more practical. Nothing about the relationship makes sense from a long distance perspective and if you both can’t bridge that gap realistically, all this is only talk.

[glows]

And, I might add, should one of you move the other ideally should not be responsible emotionally or financially for the other. You’re not her keeper and vice versa. If she moves she moves on her own terms with her own means and for both personal and professional reasons of her own. 

Try not to take on issues from someone else who isn’t able to stand on their own or back their own decisions.

[agonyandirony]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Retired now. It may not be feasible - this idea of living abroad working for the same employer in another country. One of you may have to start over, or the move never goes through and you’re remaining in an endless loop thinking there’s hope when there isn’t. That’s my point about employment, taxes and getting the info either of you will need to make that move. At this point you both seem like you’re missing the forest for the trees. Respectfully, it’s irrelevant what mental health issues she has or who seems manipulative when neither of you have the means or the details needed to work out whether moving is a reality at all. 

The point of all this is to end up in the same locale and build a life together. A relationship is hypothetical and not at all realistic, more like a fantasy that you both appear to be holding onto instead of working out the practicalities of being together. 

I think you’re caught up in the emotions of seeing one another and then feeling hit by previous issues in the relationship that didn’t seem to have been resolved the first time around. All very understandable but seems painful that you’re keeping yourself in this holding pattern.

You may be feeling overwhelmed and lost but do try being more practical. Nothing about the relationship makes sense from a long distance perspective and if you both can’t bridge that gap realistically, all this is only talk.

Thanks for your advice, I totally get what you're saying. She is able to work remotely from anywhere, so she has suggested staying with me for a few weeks then returning home. I obviously get paid leave so could go over there for a few weeks too. So we have the means and details for at least somewhat closing the distance. But the issues is the the trust and commitment necessary to drive that forward has seriously eroded at this stage, due to the fraught history. Like the long distance and giving a failed relationship another go, these are probably surmountable individually but together it's very overwhelming. 

You're absolutely right though, I do think I live in a fantasy. I picture the girl I fell in love with, how happy I was, and imagine a future of us together with a family. Given that she is trying to get back together, it feels like it is me that is walking away from that possibility - fantasy or not. I have this horrible fear of regret that I won't find anyone as compatible, and that a year or two down the line I'll deeply regret not trying to make it work with her. 

The holding pattern is awful Glows, it really is. At this stage, walking away or risking going back into a toxic relationship could only be better than the way I feel. But you're right, this is my heart that has taken control - longing for what I had, romanticising her and the situation etc. I need to think logically and rationally about what the right decision is. Very difficult to do though.  

[Acacia98]

On 2/18/2023 at 9:40 PM, agonyandirony said:

I picture the girl I fell in love with, how happy I was, and imagine a future of us together with a family. Given that she is trying to get back together, it feels like it is me that is walking away from that possibility - fantasy or not. 

The girl you fell in love with never existed. The girl you fell in love with was a persona you constructed based on her being on her best behavior while trying to impress you and what she chose to share with you during the earlier long-distance phase of your relationship. There must have been times when the abusive aspects of her behavior were apparent and she felt overwhelmed, but because yours was a long-distance relationship, the chances of you seeing that were low. Setting aside the abusive part, that's pretty standard for relationships in general. That's why folks are not advised to run out and get married in the early stages of a relationship.

The person you got to know when you were living with her and she started to unravel and became abusive towards you is closer to who she is. You may say that's not who she really is, that it was a period of stress that triggered her behavior. Well, do you believe that, going forward, she will not experience stress? When she inevitably experiences stress again (as everyone living in the real world does), do you actually believe she will suddenly have developed the coping skills of some kind of Superwoman? Do you realize that if she comes to Scotland, that will be an immensely stressful period for her because she will be away from all that is familiar and will be dependent on you and, therefore, especially vulnerable? And if indeed she may have something akin to borderline personality disorder like your therapist thought, do you believe personality disorders get resolved with a bit of therapy?

I have no difficulty believing she suffered a tremendously abusive or negligent childhood. As far as I know, people don't get to be the way she is by virtue of growing up in consistently loving and stable homes. That being the case, she clearly has emotional wounds that make it difficult for her to have a healthy adult relationship. It's not surprising that she wants to be with someone who is halfway across the world. To me, it's clear she is not in a good place (yet) because she simply does not seem to respect your concerns about your reconciling and your desire to focus on what happened. Her responses to you (as you describe them) remind me of those of a wayward spouse who wants the betrayed spouse to hurry up and get over the feelings of hurt and betrayal so that they can reconcile. I wouldn't advise the betrayed spouse in that situation to reconcile. So I sure as heck wouldn't suggest that you reconcile with your ex.

And that brings us to the next stage: talking about you. We've been spending a lot of time talking about your ex's unsuitability as a relationship partner. But are you ready to be in a relationship yourself? Here you are palling around with an ex who was abusive towards you when you were vulnerable (you'd left your home and job to go and live with her). You've never been able to set up the appropriate boundaries and cut her completely out of your life. In fact, you're actually contemplating reconciling with her. And one has to wonder why a relationship with someone so far away would be so appealing to you in the first place. Is it possible that, deep down inside, you want to recreate a relationship from your earlier years--i.e. one with someone who was mostly beyond your reach and for whom you yearned most of the time? Is it possible that you need time to yourself so that you can go no contact with your ex, focus on healing your own emotional wounds, and get to a place where you can make decisions that are kinder and more loving to you?

Edited February 20, 2023 by Acacia98

[agonyandirony]

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

The girl you fell in love with never existed. The girl you fell in love with was a persona you constructed based on her being on her best behavior while trying to impress you and what she chose to share with you during the earlier long-distance phase of your relationship. There must have been times when the abusive aspects of her behavior were apparent and she felt overwhelmed, but because yours was a long-distance relationship, the chances of you seeing that were low. Setting aside the abusive part, that's pretty standard for relationships in general. That's why folks are not advised to run out and get married in the early stages of a relationship.

The person you got to know when you were living with her and she started to unravel and became abusive towards you is closer to who she is. You may say that's not who she really is, that it was a period of stress that triggered her behavior. Well, do you believe that, going forward, she will not experience stress? When she inevitably experiences stress again (as everyone living in the real world does), do you actually believe she will suddenly have developed the coping skills of some kind of Superwoman? Do you realize that if she comes to Scotland, that will be an immensely stressful period for her because she will be away from all that is familiar and will be dependent on you and, therefore, especially vulnerable? And if indeed she may have something akin to borderline personality disorder like your therapist thought, do you believe personality disorders get resolved with a bit of therapy?

I have no difficulty believing she suffered a tremendously abusive or negligent childhood. As far as I know, people don't get to be the way she is by virtue of growing up in consistently loving and stable homes. That being the case, she clearly has emotional wounds that make it difficult for her to have a healthy adult relationship. It's not surprising that she wants to be with someone who is halfway across the world. To me, it's clear she is not in a good place (yet) because she simply does not seem to respect your concerns about your reconciling and your desire to focus on what happened. Her responses to you (as you describe them) remind me of those of a wayward spouse who wants the betrayed spouse to hurry up and get over the feelings of hurt and betrayal so that they can reconcile. I wouldn't advise the betrayed spouse in that situation to reconcile. So I sure as heck wouldn't suggest that you reconcile with your ex.

And that brings us to the next stage: talking about you. We've been spending a lot of time talking about your ex's unsuitability as a relationship partner. But are you ready to be in a relationship yourself? Here you are palling around with an ex who was abusive towards you when you were vulnerable (you'd left your home and job to go and live with her). You've never been able to set up the appropriate boundaries and cut her completely out of your life. In fact, you're actually contemplating reconciling with her. And one has to wonder why a relationship with someone so far away would be so appealing to you in the first place. Is it possible that, deep down inside, you want to recreate a relationship from your earlier years--i.e. one with someone who was mostly beyond your reach and for whom you yearned most of the time? Is it possible that you need time to yourself so that you can go no contact with your ex, focus on healing your own emotional wounds, and get to a place where you can make decisions that are kinder and more loving to you?

Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and considered response, I really appreciate it and have reflected carefully on what you said. Yes, you make a very good point that I have most likely idealised her - holding her to the high standard she set in the beginning. She has even said as much to me - something to the effect of: the girl I knew then was burying a lot of sadness; the current girl is more authentic etc. Maybe this is partly why I have found it harder to accept the progress she has made, particularly in the last year - because it still falls short of that standard? This is something else she has intimated - that 'nothing will ever be good enough' for me or I'll 'never forgive her for how she treated me in the past.' This sortof talk wounds me a bit and I feel guilty - it's hard to listen to her tearfully saying how nothing she does will ever be good enough etc. 

While I sympathise with the external stress that induced this (to an extent), I don't think this is an excuse for the length and severity of how she was affected. There were some red flags in our 'honeymoon' phase, but I did not pick up on these. For example, she was often a 'victim' of some transgression, and also incredibly emotional about events which happened decades ago - as though they happened last week. I have close friends and family that actually found this a bit strange, so perhaps I chose not to worry about this because I was so in love. So in short, while I don't necessarily think things would be as bad as they were, I think there is a part of me very much concerned about future drama and, like you said, how much of that was who she really is. I think for this reason, I have been waiting for consistent, reliable evidence that she is stable. This is the test I have had, which has not yet been satisfied, right up until relatively recently. While she has done a lot to work on herself, it does feel like one thing after another with her - drama with her family, her health, roommates etc. Individually these things are of course plausible and worthy of sympathy, and I probably sound horrible for saying this. But there has been this drama and stress for years - her individual circumstances affecting how she behaves towards me, and undermining the relationship. 

Which takes us to the current dilemma. As you say, it feels like she is wanting me to 'hurry up' and get over the past, to reconcile. I feel like I can't make a decision on this - I both love her tremendously (perhaps loving the ideal version of her as discussed) but don't have enough to go on to feel safe with her or commit to a relationship. It's been years of the emotional rollercoaster, the breakups, the therapy I got, trying to put in place emotional boundaries, then things thawing a bit....it's all very overwhelming. She is getting frustrated at what she sees as indecision on my part. Saying there's nothing else she can do, she feels like I am leading her on etc. The pressure to make a decision is a nightmare. To be fair, I can understand why she feels frustrated. I basically checked out of the relationship a year ago after things getting as bad as they were. She on the other hand has focussed on getting better over the last year, with a view to showing me she's changed. So she's been confident in her decision for quite a while, and feels like she has invested at least a year into it. Whereas I am only recently at a place of really considering it. So she's accusing me of wasting her time and leading her on etc. She is open to taking things slowly, but the nature of a long distance relationship makes that difficult to do. It's not like we can meet up for coffee and slowly ease back into something. We have been talking about her coming here to stay with me for a month, or me going there for a few weeks. Sometimes when things are nice this really appeals to me, and I think we should go for that. Other times I'm paranoid of drawing this out any longer, and keeping us both in this relationship, and going against the advice of my friends and therapist. I do have a deep resistance as things stand to progressing with her, which perhaps is an answer in itself I just don't want to acknowledge it. 

As for me, that's interesting you described me as vulnerable when I left home to be with her. I hadn't really considered that but I suppose I was. It was awful being there alone with her horrible to me, and me essentially stuck. Or stuck between her and her mum having screaming matches. I feel I have been much better at setting boundaries in the last year or two. And she is very apologetic for how she treated me. I should have walked away years ago, when she was really bad and moved on. Instead, a mixture of sympathy, love, hope and fear of the unknown kept me sortof involved with her - and probably kept me emotionally unavailable to others - so that today it is much harder to close the door altogether, when she is a bit better. I don't think I am necessarily craving a previous ex as such. I think I am scared to move on because I am deeply afraid I will never find someone else like her. We connected and were compatible in a certain unique ways (even if the relationship was a disaster in other ways), so that I felt a degree of fulfilment I had never felt before. I have always thought of her as my soul mate (again idealising, romanticising maybe) and the thought of parting ways, after something so beautiful at the beginning, feels tragic.

Sorry I'm rambling here, thanks again for your advice. 

[broadside89]

I have found myself in a really confusing and messy situation. I'm very stressed and worried about hurting people, including myself. I know what the conventional advice is when it comes to deciding between two women, but my story is a little different. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible...

I was with my ex for 6 years. We met when I was 30 and she was 31. The first two years were the happiest of my life. I truly thought of her as my soul mate, and the passion between us was off the charts. We were perfect together.

However, during the last four years of the relationship she was in a really bad place. A family member passed away and this brought up various other feelings she had from a troubled childhood and abusive exes. Long story short, she spiralled into a very deep depression. She quit her job, cut off friends and family, stopped taking care of herself... basically became a shadow of the person she once was. I was of course sympathetic and understanding, determined to do all I could to support her, hoping and trusting that she would eventually get through this and things would be great again.

However, things didn't really change and as the years went by this placed an increasing strain on the relationship. Things were miserable. She took my support and loyalty for granted, and towards the end of the relationship her behaviour towards me was unacceptable - abusive really. I know that this may have been a result of her depression, but following therapy and consultation with friends/family I decided this wasn't ok and we ended things. I don't think I've ever really recovered from the extreme highs and lows I experienced during that relationship. In hindsight I should have left much sooner.

I moved to a new city approximately 6 hours away. After a year or so we began talking again as platonic friends. While her situation was not much improved, it was obvious she was working very hard on herself - she had done a lot of therapy, got a job and was taking active steps to turn her life around. She was very apologetic about how she treated me, and accepted full responsibility for things getting so toxic between us. We still talk occasionally and things have been quite nice for the most part. We haven't met up yet due to the distance. While we are both on the same page about being platonic friends only, there is clearly the underlying spark that caused us to get together in the first place. And from recent conversations it is obvious to me that the work she has done on herself has paid off - she is in a much better place than she was when we were together.

However, in the last few weeks I have finally begun dating someone new. She is really sweet and we have a lot in common. It hasn't been that long, but things have been so nice and easy - unlike my previous relationship which felt like an emotional rollercoaster. I've really enjoyed exploring things with her, and I feel like she is probably a better fit with me longterm - in terms of values, likelihood of getting on with friends and family, proximity etc.

However, today my ex has reached out to me pleading with me to give things another go. She's talked about the connection we have; all the work she has done to improve herself; and how things will be completely different than they were when we were together. It's very compelling considering these are things I spent years longing for her to say. I've resisted so far, on the advice of my therapist. I know I need to be cautious, and not dive back in but I feel in a state of emotional turmoil:

Should I give things another shot with my ex? What if she really is my soulmate and I never find anything else like that again? Am I unhealthily holding on to our long history and past connection, afraid to let go altogether? What if we get back together and she hasn't really changed or another issue will cause her to spiral and treat me poorly again? What if I regret letting this promising new partner go?

I haven't spent enough time with my ex, or this new partner, to have any idea whether there's a future with either of them. I can't confidently say I will be happy with my ex and won't regret being bold, moving on and trying things with this lovely new partner. Conversely I can't confidently say I will be happy with this new partner, and won't regret letting my ex (who I previously considered a 'soul mate') go. It feels like an impossible choice, either option is hurtful - both to me and someone I care about.

I have so little information to go on that I can't make a decision. I think in an ideal world, I would be approaching this with an open mind until the right thing to do becomes obvious. I'd say no to my ex, and continue dating this new girl. If things aren't working out with her, I'll end things and maybe consider tentative steps forward with my ex if that feels right. Maybe that's leading people on, but surely this is what all dating is - spending time together in order to determine longer term compatibility? I've read advice that has said the right thing to do is step away altogether, and letting both of them go - but I don't think that helps anyone in this situation?

I spoke to a friend who suggested that I'm worrying too much and shouldn't be pressurising myself to make a decision at this early stage, since I've only recently begun dating this new girl and I haven't properly caught up with my ex yet. In other words, I have not committed myself to either and should not feel so guilty/confused. I should let things play out.

I'd be grateful for any advice because I'm a mess over this.

[Weezy1973]

Roller coaster = bad.

Nice and Easy = good.

The extreme emotions of movies and songs are actually the opposite of what healthy relationships are like. 
 

As for advice, definitely don’t get back together with your ex. It’s too soon to know if this new woman will be compatible long term so “choosing” her is also premature. Just allow things to unfold with her. Be patient. If you’re feeling anxiety, explore why that is.

[ShyViolet]

Why would you go back to an ex, with whom you had a really bad and dysfunctional relationship with (at the end at least), when you have this great new person in your life?  To me it makes no sense to go backwards and throw away this promising new relationship.  It's usually not a good idea to get back together with an ex.  The chances of the same problems happening again are high.  Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior.  You already tried being with your ex and it didn't work.  Now you have this new person who you say is even a better fit for you.  My vote is 100% for choosing the new girl.

[ShyViolet]

24 minutes ago, broadside89 said:

I haven't spent enough time with my ex, or this new partner, to have any idea whether there's a future with either of them. I can't confidently say I will be happy with my ex and won't regret being bold, moving on and trying things with this lovely new partner. Conversely I can't confidently say I will be happy with this new partner, and won't regret letting my ex (who I previously considered a 'soul mate') go. It feels like an impossible choice, either option is hurtful - both to me and someone I care about.

You have this false "binary" idea in your head.  You seem to think that you are at a crossroads to make the biggest decision of your life... either go back to your ex, or build a future with this new girl.  That is not how this works at all.  This new girl, you have only been dating her a short time.  It would be foolish and premature to think that it will necessarily lead to a long term relationship.  You are just getting to know her.  This is not a choice between these two women, it is more of a choice between getting back with your ex, or giving yourself the gift of dating new people and finding love with someone who you don't have this toxic, dysfunctional history with.  It might be this new girl, or you might end up going out there and dating others.

You should recognize that choosing to go back to your ex would be a poor decision, regardless of whether you are dating this new girl or not.  Things might work out with the new girl, they might not.  Your decision of whether to run back to an ex shouldn't hinge on that.  

[stillafool]

Go forward with the new lady, not backwards with the other.  

[mark clemson]

Sometimes when there's no right answer there's no wrong answer either.

So, you could go with what you think is best (after some serious consideration) and give it a whirl. If it doesn't work out, then you (necessarily at that point) end things and search for someone new.

All that said, for myself I don't believe in long distance relationships. I know they work for some people, but for me it is too easy for "side interests" to develop. A six hour drive would be too far for me just to continue dating and so that would be the clincher. I like having the person "at hand". However, you're you and everyone's different, so perhaps it's less of an issue.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, broadside89 said:

 towards the end of the relationship her behaviour towards me was unacceptable - abusive really. I've resisted so far, on the advice of my therapist. I know I need to be cautious, and not dive back in but I feel in a state of emotional turmoil

Listen to your therapist. Try to step away from this. It's going to be difficult to form happy relationships with other women, when you are you are still caught up in the ex's drama. 

[smackie9]

She had 4 bloody years to fix herself and she didn't. It's going to take her a long time, if ever, to straighten herself out. You feel for your ex, and I get it there's a feeling of obligation BUT you have started to move on, and are now happier than you have been in years. I would let the ex go, and start a new with this lovely new lady. 

You ex needs to know this because you are giving her hope, and that's not fair to anyone. There is going to be a time when you need to reveal your past...best not to delay that too long. 

Edited April 24, 2023 by smackie9

[Ami1uwant]

Don’t go back.

 

this was a measuring stick given how long she seemed to pull back and let things go.  It also seemed she probably didn’t listen to you then on getting help.

[Lotsgoingon]

Going back to your ex would be disastrous. Let her take her healing (assuming she has gotten better) and display it with someone else.

And you got to get rid of this sense of "hurting" people. There is no hurting in romance outside lying and stealing and violently hitting. Someone will be disappointed. That's fine. That's not hurt. 

You're apparently worried about disappointing the ex that abused you. 

BTW: there is no such thing as a magical soulmate. There is no such thing as a soulmate that abuses you. Contradiction in terms. 

[JTSW]

16 hours ago, broadside89 said:

Should I give things another shot with my ex?

No.

She was abusive.

She may be doing well at the moment but anything can send her spiralling back.

Another family member will inevitably pass away and you will both be right back in the toxicity.

Continue with the new girl.

She sounds good for you.