Having a man who is crazy about you

[hotpotato]

What's wrong with wanting a man who is crazy about you? This came up in another thread that I want to be with a man who is head over heels for me, if I were trying to date. 

In my experience, men know whether or not they want to date you very quickly and will show it very quickly. If he doesn't feel it for you quickly, you'll become his placeholder.

My friend has a husband who is crazy about her. He constantly dotes in her, and he's very affectionate. 

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

If you're firm in knowing what you'd want, the opinions of others shouldn't make any difference.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, hotpotato said:

 I want to be with a man who is head over heels for me, if I were trying to date. 

It makes sense that anyone would want to be with someone who's into them and loves them. This simply describes a good relationship. As far as "crazy about", that may be more of a romcom notion.

In a world of nebulous situationships, it's best to avoid these if you are looking for love and respect. Don't bother with anyone who's just "meh" about you.

[hotpotato]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

If you're firm in knowing what you'd want, the opinions of others shouldn't make any difference.  

I don't date so this is hypothetical, but if I did, he has to be very, very into me and quickly.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

, he has to be very, very into me and quickly.

That's actually a huge red flag. But since you're not dating, it's something hypothetical you could watch out for.

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, hotpotato said:

In my experience, men know whether or not they want to date you very quickly and will show it very quickly.

I have noticed this too.

My experience on the flippy suggests that when a man professes his love for you on the second date it is likely to be premature. I felt like an idiot when I thought I had misheard him and just stood there, speechless, for ten seconds.

It sounds like your friend has a wonderful relationship. My uncle was that way with my aunt for 45 years (until she passed away ). If you are looking to start a relationship, stay true to who you are and don't accept anything less than what you really want and need and someone who will adore you deeply.

In the case of the man in hot pursuit of you and you're still on the fence, you fall under the "still filtering" category. His merits will bein the “proof of love” wooing process. Don't let flowers and chocolates drown out the other characteristics you want in a long-term partner. Eventually, his wooing will lose steam and all you have left is your emotional investment. Make sure you both have the tools that you need for it to last.

[mark clemson]

I don't thing there's anything wrong with this. In practice though, there are caveats.

It's important to be able to try to distinguish between sincere interest and love-bombing, as the latter is a red flag and, essentially, just manipulation. I think this can be easier said than done. Also some people fall for others quickly and they can become (genuinely) very interested very quickly but then interested in another very quickly as they chase the "new relationship energy" high. Finally a sincere high interest level is unlikely to be maintained in the very long term (e.g. 10+ years). (Perhaps your friend got lucky in this regard as it apparently can sometimes happen.)

So, a few things to look out for if one is seeking this. Which doesn't at all mean it can't happen and isn't wonderful if/when it does.

Edited April 25, 2023 by mark clemson

[hotpotato]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's actually a huge red flag. But since you're not dating, it's something hypothetical you could watch out for.

Why is that a huge white flag? I've never had a relationship come out of anything slow. The guys knew they wanted to date me from the first meeting onward. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, hotpotato said:

Why is that a huge white flag? I've never had a relationship come out of anything slow. The guys knew they wanted to date me from the first meeting onward. 

And how did those relationships end up?

 

The need for instant intensity is a red flag. Secure, emotionally healthy relationships are steady and consistent. Not rollercoasters of emotional ups and downs. 

[hotpotato]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

And how did those relationships end up?

 

The need for instant intensity is a red flag. Secure, emotionally healthy relationships are steady and consistent. Not rollercoasters of emotional ups and downs. 

It didn't work for me, but it seems to work fine for her. Also, I was mostly dating men who were much older and hung up on exes, as it turned out. One of which was an addict, unbeknownst to me. I don't think most people have such extreme issues as I did. I do have my quirks. 

I dont think intensely loving someone necessarily means there is a Rollercoaster. One can be head over heels with someone and it be consistent.

The friend mentioned above was in a bad situation, and she met her now husband. The previous husband was neglectful from what I gather. He dropped their baby, and years later their son still has seizures. 

One of my fb friends boyfriend proposed to her after about a year, maybe not that much. 

The only alternative would be not to ever date. It doesn't get past being a side thing if he's not into me from the get go. Most men don't like being just friends either. 

Eta: I also had a boyfriend who brought his 23 year old daughter on dates. That was never going to work.

Edited April 25, 2023 by hotpotato

[Weezy1973]

Yes your picker is off. This is usually a sign of some attachment issues. Pair that with the fact you insist on a man being “crazy” about you from the out set and it smells of enormous insecurity on your end.  

[Alpacalia]

Are you usually inclined to date someone who is dependent on drugs or alcohol simply because they are infatuated with you?

If you do decide to date again you don’t have to go along with them pushing you to move fast with them.

It is your role to slow it down, if it is a bit fast to you. In either case, they are rushing the relationship (if there even was one to begin with), and that's usually why these types fail. So ultimately, it depends on what you mean.

Are you talking fast in terms of "I just met him and he is asking me out?" or, "He's barely asked me out once and now he wants me to move in with him!"?

The former could be any of these people. You go out with them to see if they are worthwhile, or if they are part of that latter group of unstable people. If it is the latter, then it is best to slow it down even more. Men can be visual, and they may be ready to jump from the initial meeting to something more serious.

[hotpotato]

32 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes your picker is off. This is usually a sign of some attachment issues. Pair that with the fact you insist on a man being “crazy” about you from the out set and it smells of enormous insecurity on your end.  

When they're not into me, they treat me like a side chic who they try to have sex with and discard. Then they turn around and date someone else, no problem. 

I have to pick from who wants me. I can't just choose whoever. It has to be mutual.

[hotpotato]

17 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Are you usually inclined to date someone who is dependent on drugs or alcohol simply because they are infatuated with you?

If you do decide to date again you don’t have to go along with them pushing you to move fast with them.

It is your role to slow it down, if it is a bit fast to you. In either case, they are rushing the relationship (if there even was one to begin with), and that's usually why these types fail. So ultimately, it depends on what you mean.

Are you talking fast in terms of "I just met him and he is asking me out?" or, "He's barely asked me out once and now he wants me to move in with him!"?

The former could be any of these people. You go out with them to see if they are worthwhile, or if they are part of that latter group of unstable people. If it is the latter, then it is best to slow it down even more. Men can be visual, and they may be ready to jump from the initial meeting to something more serious.

I mean more like we just met, and he knows he wants to date you. It doesn't necessarily mean he's trying to move me in that day. 

I dont go around looking for addicts, and not all of my exes are addicts. 

[Alpacalia]

32 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

I mean more like we just met, and he knows he wants to date you. It doesn't necessarily mean he's trying to move me in that day. 

I dont go around looking for addicts, and not all of my exes are addicts. 

Okay.

But there has to be more to it then him knowing he wants to date you?

Just some things that come to mind:

An excessive amount of calls and texts within the first week of meeting someone may indicate insecurity or neediness. It can be intrusive, as the other person had a life before you came into it. Buying expensive things up front and not letting the other person chip in. Receiving these things may make somebody feel obligated to keep dating when they know it isn't a fit, and if they decide they don't want it any more, they may feel resentful.

Telling someone you're dating they're in love after the first, second, or third date. In the event that you feel this way, saying it might scare them away, and that's perfectly reasonable. Having such deep feelings without knowing what they're like might sound like filling a void. Touching too much and being too close at the beginning. We all have a personal bubble, and until we know someone more, we don't want our personal space invaded. Sharing personal information or asking personal questions too soon.

We tend to come into dating with the hope of meeting that special someone, but instead of getting to know the person we're dating, we move things forward the way we see fit. It's important to watch out for this because once these kinds of people realize that you're an individual with your own needs and thoughts, it's then when things take a turn, whether they become mad and controlling or if they leave to find someone who can be manipulated and molded more easily. These approaches are neither good nor appropriate and should be avoided.  

No, it is not a good idea to date someone simply because they are crazy about you. If someone is only interested in the relationship because they are crazy about you, then it is likely to flop. And, if you are only interested in someone because they are crazy about you, then it is likely that you are not truly interested in them.

Edited April 25, 2023 by Alpacalia

[MsJayne]

I always found that men who were crazy about me were actually just crazy.  Though, to be fair, I also found one or two who weren't crazy about me to be crazy as well. 

[basil67]

24 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

I mean more like we just met, and he knows he wants to date you. It doesn't necessarily mean he's trying to move me in that day. 

Ah, it would seem that some of the language you have been using is confusing.   This ^ is very reasonable.   He's met you, he's keen and he's not dating anyone else.   This is what it was like with my husband. 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

Yes, someone who wants to get to know you better to see if there’s compatibility long term is great. Someone who’s “crazy” about you right away is problematic.

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, hotpotato said:

When they're not into me, they treat me like a side chic who they try to have sex with and discard.

This place is overflowing with women who have been "swept off their feet" by the crazy love some guy had for them, which they took seriously ... and then the guy moved on.

It's not across the board, but I believe that a great many people who fall head over heels instantly without even really knowing the person often have a strong tendency to fall out of love just as fast as they fell in.  

It's true that many people, men and women alike, know that they've found "the one" or at least someone very compelling to them right away.  This doesn't necessarily correspond with dramatic "crazy about you" behavior.  Wise people tend to still take some time and get to really know a person.

[stillafool]

On 4/25/2023 at 1:25 AM, hotpotato said:

In my experience, men know whether or not they want to date you very quickly and will show it very quickly.

Yes this is true but the same applies to women.  They know very quickly as well whether they want to date a man or not.  I think this is normal.  Being head over heels right away is rare and would scare me to death unless it was mutual.

[Lotsgoingon]

The big question is: how can someone be crazy about me when they really don't know me?

 

 

 

 

Edited April 26, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[hotpotato]

On 4/25/2023 at 5:16 PM, Alpacalia said:

Okay.

But there has to be more to it then him knowing he wants to date you?

Just some things that come to mind:

An excessive amount of calls and texts within the first week of meeting someone may indicate insecurity or neediness. It can be intrusive, as the other person had a life before you came into it. Buying expensive things up front and not letting the other person chip in. Receiving these things may make somebody feel obligated to keep dating when they know it isn't a fit, and if they decide they don't want it any more, they may feel resentful.

Telling someone you're dating they're in love after the first, second, or third date. In the event that you feel this way, saying it might scare them away, and that's perfectly reasonable. Having such deep feelings without knowing what they're like might sound like filling a void. Touching too much and being too close at the beginning. We all have a personal bubble, and until we know someone more, we don't want our personal space invaded. Sharing personal information or asking personal questions too soon.

We tend to come into dating with the hope of meeting that special someone, but instead of getting to know the person we're dating, we move things forward the way we see fit. It's important to watch out for this because once these kinds of people realize that you're an individual with your own needs and thoughts, it's then when things take a turn, whether they become mad and controlling or if they leave to find someone who can be manipulated and molded more easily. These approaches are neither good nor appropriate and should be avoided.  

No, it is not a good idea to date someone simply because they are crazy about you. If someone is only interested in the relationship because they are crazy about you, then it is likely to flop. And, if you are only interested in someone because they are crazy about you, then it is likely that you are not truly interested in them.

I dont think I've ever had that treatment.

[hotpotato]

On 4/26/2023 at 10:35 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

The big question is: how can someone be crazy about me when they really don't know me?

 

 

 

 

Anytime I had a relationship, we would go on  one date and stay together for awhile. We naturally stayed together, buy that didn't mean we knew everything or even that much about each other.

Most men don't try to get to know me, but that's another thread!

 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I dont think I've ever had that treatment.

Well, it sounds like you have a talent for picking the right person on the first date! But in all seriousness, it's worthwhile to take the time to really get to know someone before committing to a relationship. It's like trying to build a house without laying a strong foundation first. Sure, it might look good at first, but...

Having a man who is crazy about you is a wonderful feeling, but it's not always easy to find someone who truly understands and appreciates you. You seem to have had experiences in which you have entered into relationships quickly and without really getting to know the other person. Don't get me wrong. Certainly, it can be thrilling and fun.

If you sit around and yearn for "another person" to fill your life, it's like yearning for a cut-out figure. Like a paper doll, to fit into a space.

The last thing anyone wants in their life is to be a cut-out paper doll.

Identifying yourself and your interests will make you more attractive to people, including someone of your kind.

And as for men not trying to get to know you, maybe they're intimidated by your charm and wit. Or maybe they're just not looking for something serious. Either way, you can always use your charm and wit to make a mean grilled cheese sandwich-definitely a worthwhile goal! 

[hotpotato]

21 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Well, it sounds like you have a talent for picking the right person on the first date! But in all seriousness, it's worthwhile to take the time to really get to know someone before committing to a relationship. It's like trying to build a house without laying a strong foundation first. Sure, it might look good at first, but...

Having a man who is crazy about you is a wonderful feeling, but it's not always easy to find someone who truly understands and appreciates you. You seem to have had experiences in which you have entered into relationships quickly and without really getting to know the other person. Don't get me wrong. Certainly, it can be thrilling and fun.

If you sit around and yearn for "another person" to fill your life, it's like yearning for a cut-out figure. Like a paper doll, to fit into a space.

The last thing anyone wants in their life is to be a cut-out paper doll.

Identifying yourself and your interests will make you more attractive to people, including someone of your kind.

And as for men not trying to get to know you, maybe they're intimidated by your charm and wit. Or maybe they're just not looking for something serious. Either way, you can always use your charm and wit to make a mean grilled cheese sandwich-definitely a worthwhile goal! 

Like friendship? Men don't want to be friends unless they are getting the sex. I don't think I've met one man who was willing to take things slowly. 

I thought everyone hit it off fast. Otherwise I'd have to go through a lot of men to try to get some prospects. Dating becomes like a job. 

Honestly, I've never had a man who completely understands me. Doesn't exist lol 

I've been single for 7 years, so I certainly don't wait for a man to fulfill me in any way. I think to be in a relationship it helps to be a little dissatisfied with the situation, to feel as though one is missing something.

Men mostly try to have sex with me and nothing else. Most do not care about my personality, hobbies, etc. I don't act super sexy or anything like that. When a man says he doesn't want something serious, I hear, "I don't want something serious with YOU."