Having a man who is crazy about you

[Weezy1973]

13 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I think to be in a relationship it helps to be a little dissatisfied with the situation, to feel as though one is missing something.

This is a surefire way to have bad relationships. Healthier perspective is to accept that a relationship partner will never fulfill all our needs. The idea of a “soul mate” or someone that “completes me” are one way tickets to disappointment town. It’s up to us to be “complete” on our own. 
 

Also along this line, it’s really only important how you feel about the guy. Is he someone you’re attracted to? Does he have qualities that make him a good long term partner? Do you share core values? Do you like him as a person? You have no control over how someone feels about you, so worrying about it is kind of pointless. 

[Wiseman2]

It's important to differentiate between Disney and the reality of relationships.

Going for the unrealistic romcom scenario is likely to disappoint because it's all superficial.

Slow down, get to know a guy and how well you get along chemistry and compatibility wise and take it from there.

Waiting for fireworks isn't necessary. You just need attraction, respect and compatibility.  It takes time.

Hookups are about instantaneous sexual attraction sparks, relationships take time to build. Sure relationships start with initial attraction but it has the ability to be sustainable.

Edited April 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[hotpotato]

On 4/29/2023 at 8:55 AM, Weezy1973 said:

This is a surefire way to have bad relationships. Healthier perspective is to accept that a relationship partner will never fulfill all our needs. The idea of a “soul mate” or someone that “completes me” are one way tickets to disappointment town. It’s up to us to be “complete” on our own. 
 

Also along this line, it’s really only important how you feel about the guy. Is he someone you’re attracted to? Does he have qualities that make him a good long term partner? Do you share core values? Do you like him as a person? You have no control over how someone feels about you, so worrying about it is kind of pointless. 

I dont think a man has to complete you, but I do think one needs to be a little unhappy being alone. 

For example, my life is pretty full. There is no imperative for me to go out and date. I'm fine essentially dating myself. That's not good for trying to have a dating life. 

I'd the guy isn't into me, a relationship doesn't fo anywhere anyways. How I feel about his meaningless in that situation..

[hotpotato]

On 4/29/2023 at 11:30 AM, Wiseman2 said:

It's important to differentiate between Disney and the reality of relationships.

Going for the unrealistic romcom scenario is likely to disappoint because it's all superficial.

Slow down, get to know a guy and how well you get along chemistry and compatibility wise and take it from there.

Waiting for fireworks isn't necessary. You just need attraction, respect and compatibility.  It takes time.

Hookups are about instantaneous sexual attraction sparks, relationships take time to build. Sure relationships start with initial attraction but it has the ability to be sustainable.

Who has Romcom idea of romance? I'm sure the couple I mentioned has ups and downs like anyone else. He is still crazy about her.

I think sometimes when two people meet each other, they just know they will date and be together for awhile. I've never had anything slow work for me. It is frustrating for the guys, too, unless I were to be fine being a fwb. Maybe that could work if two people work together and gradually get to know each other.

[Els]

On 4/29/2023 at 9:50 AM, hotpotato said:

Like friendship? Men don't want to be friends unless they are getting the sex. I don't think I've met one man who was willing to take things slowly. 

I thought everyone hit it off fast. Otherwise I'd have to go through a lot of men to try to get some prospects. Dating becomes like a job. 

Honestly, I've never had a man who completely understands me. Doesn't exist lol 

I've been single for 7 years, so I certainly don't wait for a man to fulfill me in any way. I think to be in a relationship it helps to be a little dissatisfied with the situation, to feel as though one is missing something.

Men mostly try to have sex with me and nothing else. Most do not care about my personality, hobbies, etc. I don't act super sexy or anything like that. When a man says he doesn't want something serious, I hear, "I don't want something serious with YOU."

I'm not sure why you don't seem to understand that you are creating your own problem. You are explicitly selecting for men whose only aim is to get you into bed by "professing their love" to you hard and quickly.  Words are cheap, actions are not - they can say anything they want when quick sex is their goal.

To answer your opening post, there's nothing necessarily WRONG with you choosing these men, if this is what you want. But it sounds like it's not.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, hotpotato said:

I dont think a man has to complete you, but I do think one needs to be a little unhappy being alone. 

Ah I see. I misunderstood. However you don’t have to be unhappy. You may just wish to add a relationship that has the unique characteristics and intimacy that a long term relationship has. The rest of your life is covered, but this one aspect is still missing.

 

1 hour ago, hotpotato said:

I'd the guy isn't into me, a relationship doesn't fo anywhere anyways. How I feel about his meaningless in that situation..

How you feel about the guy is the only thing that matters. How he feels about you doesn’t matter as you can’t control it anyways. This backwards thinking of yours stems from a deep fear of rejection. When you date a guy you should be assessing him. Asking yourself those questions. Even if it turns out he’s not into you, that’s okay. Perhaps the date has enlightened you about things you’re looking for in a guy. 
 

Also, you can make it clear that you’re not interested in early sex. The guys that are only after that will disappear. 

[hotpotato]

8 minutes ago, Els said:

I'm not sure why you don't seem to understand that you are creating your own problem. You are explicitly selecting for men whose only aim is to get you into bed by "professing their love" to you hard and quickly.  Words are cheap, actions are not - they can say anything they want when quick sex is their goal.

To answer your opening post, there's nothing necessarily WRONG with you choosing these men, if this is what you want. But it sounds like it's not.

It'd not just talk. I date these guys for years or months. How is actual dating not action? 

I haven't had luck with wishy washy ones. They're the ones who might give me a little attention but mostly want sex. These guys nay like you to some degree but have reservations.

I did have a guy who said he wanted to date me, but only wanted sex. He always tried to get me to his home but never wanted to spend time with me. Is that what you are referring to? 

Staying in relationships was the hard part for me. If I were in the mood to date, I usually found someone and quickly. I do have my quirks. I determined it would be better if I were physically abusive. That would be less of a quirk as abusers gradually turn up the heat. 

Some things you learn about people as you date them and spend more time with them. I doubt I would have seen Las Vegas existed fault had we not been dating.

[hotpotato]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Ah I see. I misunderstood. However you don’t have to be unhappy. You may just wish to add a relationship that has the unique characteristics and intimacy that a long term relationship has. The rest of your life is covered, but this one aspect is still missing.

 

How you feel about the guy is the only thing that matters. How he feels about you doesn’t matter as you can’t control it anyways. This backwards thinking of yours stems from a deep fear of rejection. When you date a guy you should be assessing him. Asking yourself those questions. Even if it turns out he’s not into you, that’s okay. Perhaps the date has enlightened you about things you’re looking for in a guy. 
 

Also, you can make it clear that you’re not interested in early sex. The guys that are only after that will disappear. 

I dont want to waste my time on someone who isn't into me. I don't date for fun, and I dont like dating. Meeting a lot of men can also become dangerous.

Do you mean like actual dating or just going on a date or two? I learned more from watching other people's relationships than from me dating. You can actually meet a lot of guys and barely spend any time. I think men are loving and compassionate to women that actually like, otherwise they will mostly try to give you the D and not much more. 

That being said many men would make great fwb. You can have sex with them, send them on their way, amd they dont care. 

 

 

Most of the time guys who are only after sex will disappear quickly. There are grown men out that that will hang around and feed a woman lies 

[Weezy1973]

43 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

I dont want to waste my time on someone who isn't into me. I don't date for fun, and I dont like dating.

There’s no way to know if a guy is  into you or not early on. He could be into you, it could be the way he acts with everybody, or maybe he’s putting on an act to get laid. Worrying about it on a first date or “right away” is counterproductive. What you want to be thinking about is what you think of the guy. And do you want to see him again. That’s about it. No pressure. 

[Alpacalia]

18 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Perhaps the date has enlightened you about things you’re looking for in a guy. 

This ^^

You need to gain a better understanding of what qualities you value in a partner. You may have also seen how a person behaves in certain situations and how they respond to different topics, giving you a better idea of what kind of person you want to be with.

[hotpotato]

On 5/2/2023 at 5:20 AM, Alpacalia said:

This ^^

You need to gain a better understanding of what qualities you value in a partner. You may have also seen how a person behaves in certain situations and how they respond to different topics, giving you a better idea of what kind of person you want to be with.

That sounds more like dating. Most of the time it won't get that far, so there's no learning about what anybody wants. If a guy isn't into me really fast, he tries tk have sex with me real fast and disappears. I don't see much of his good qualities like he would show to a woman he is interested in.

[hotpotato]

On 5/1/2023 at 1:34 PM, Weezy1973 said:

There’s no way to know if a guy is  into you or not early on. He could be into you, it could be the way he acts with everybody, or maybe he’s putting on an act to get laid. Worrying about it on a first date or “right away” is counterproductive. What you want to be thinking about is what you think of the guy. And do you want to see him again. That’s about it. No pressure. 

If he wants to spend time with me, that's a good indicator. Sometimes there is an in-between relationship deal in which they like you buy not that much but will still happily have sex with you. A lot of men want to date in their way, that is have sex up front and figure out everything else later. I've found if I hang around them enough, they start being honest. This is true even for the liars.

I guess I've had different dating experiences, but I'd rather pick from guys who are into me. It doesn't matter how I feel about them if they are not into me.

Many times it seemed to work for me. If we were into each other right off the bat, we often stayed together for months or years. 

Like I said, I don't date for fun. I date with purpose. 

[Weezy1973]

On 5/4/2023 at 12:28 PM, hotpotato said:

Many times it seemed to work for me. If we were into each other right off the bat, we often stayed together for months or years. 

Were these healthy relationships? Length of time together is not necessarily and indicator of success. 

[Alpacalia]

On 5/4/2023 at 10:34 AM, hotpotato said:

That sounds more like dating. Most of the time it won't get that far, so there's no learning about what anybody wants. If a guy isn't into me really fast, he tries tk have sex with me real fast and disappears. I don't see much of his good qualities like he would show to a woman he is interested in.

If the goal is to have sex quickly, generally speaking, he won't usually feel the need to show his best qualities since he may not be looking for a deeper connection. Instead, he might focus on trying to impress and win you over in other ways, such as by being more aggressive or forward.

Many people who have been married for decades say they knew their life partner instantly. It's the feeling of instant connection and attraction between two people, and the desire to be together. The emotional and psychological connection between two people isn't always obvious. Behaviors and signals that the conscious mind can't detect, like body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice, might trigger this connection. Their values and interests may be similar, so they can relate to each other. They might also feel fond of each other right away. Even though the conscious mind takes a while to catch up, the unconscious mind can recognize the connection much faster.

It's possible and it's a very real thing.

Be careful not to date someone just because they're crazy about you. You'll probably end up in a one-sided relationship with no mutual respect if you date someone just because they're crazy about you. Unless you're into that kind of thing, in which case, go nuts!

 

[hotpotato]

On 5/6/2023 at 3:19 PM, Weezy1973 said:

Were these healthy relationships? Length of time together is not necessarily and indicator of success. 

It's either that or I'm treated like a sock or a placeholder. Sometimes they were fine. The last one was bf of the year aside from bringing his 22 year old daughter on our dates.

In my experience, I've almost never had a man spend time with me just because or just to get to know me. If he's not really into me or getting sex from me, they go away or get really irritated. 

The only time I had a man who wanted to take things slow and get to know me was extremely religious. 

Also, I don't believe in trying to steer or recommend a guy act in any kind of way. If he presents to me in a sexual way, I do nothing to change that. I don't believe in trying to change him or trying to quell his desires and make him slow down. I go by however he is acting on his own.

 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I don't believe in trying to change him or trying to quell his desires and make him slow down.

Does that mean you just accept the level of intensity and go along with it even if it's sexual? What's wrong with expressing a desire to learn more about him and asking respectfully that you both take it slowly?

Edited May 10, 2023 by Alpacalia

[hotpotato]

On 5/10/2023 at 5:00 PM, Alpacalia said:

Does that mean you just accept the level of intensity and go along with it even if it's sexual? What's wrong with expressing a desire to learn more about him and asking respectfully that you both take it slowly?

I accept it, that doesn't necessarily mean I go along with it. 

I dont believe as I'm doing emotion work, the relationship hasn't even started. I believe if a man really wanted to get to know me, he will naturally put in the effort to do so. I also decided I'm going to deal with men they way they deal with me. When they don't like a situation, they up and leave. They don't give tips or hints or anything, especially not when it matters.

[Weezy1973]

On 5/10/2023 at 12:14 PM, hotpotato said:

In my experience, I've almost never had a man spend time with me just because or just to get to know me. If he's not really into me or getting sex from me, they go away or get really irritated. 

I suspect you’re attracted to the types of men that are more sex driven than relationship driven. Or you’re presenting yourself in such a way to attract those men. If this is a pattern that keeps happening, you’re going to have to change what you’re doing if you want different results.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/10/2023 at 3:14 PM, hotpotato said:

. If he's not really into me or getting sex from me, they go away or get really irritated. 

This seems like a usual breakup. If someone is not into you, it's best that they do go away.  Try to reframe this so you do the picking and choosing. Decide who you're into rather than wondering if they are into you. 

[basil67]

On 5/12/2023 at 3:23 PM, hotpotato said:

When they don't like a situation, they up and leave. They don't give tips or hints or anything, especially not when it matters.

If it's just dating, this is perfectly normal and you are wise to do the same.   

When it comes to discussions about each other's needs, that's for when the dating went really well and has turned into a relationship.  But if things aren't great when you're dating, just cut and run.

Edited May 14, 2023 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

On 5/11/2023 at 10:23 PM, hotpotato said:

They don't give tips or hints or anything, especially not when it matters.

Maybe you're just dating clowns.

What medium do you typically use to meet these guys? How old are they usually?

Since none of us know you as you really are, we can only know the version you present to us.

What type of man are you attracted to? Is it your nature to gravitate towards "playas" who aren't in search of a real relationship, just sex? Have you talked with men who know you as friends rather than potential romantic interests?

If this pattern exists and it isn't working out, you'll need to change the pattern.

In most cases, if a man relentlessly pursues you, he's trying to bed you. Engaging in this game means you will always be the gazelle being chased.

It's up to you to change the dynamic.

Your posts don't give any specific examples. But you are the common denominator.

[hotpotato]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

If it's just dating, this is perfectly normal and you are wise to do the same.   

When it comes to discussions about each other's needs, that's for when the dating went really well and has turned into a relationship.  But if things aren't great when you're dating, just cut and run.

I definitely meant the same for relationships. I've never had a man give me a hint or talk about what he wanted. 

[hotpotato]

18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This seems like a usual breakup. If someone is not into you, it's best that they do go away.  Try to reframe this so you do the picking and choosing. Decide who you're into rather than wondering if they are into you. 

Why would I want to pick and choose from men who don't want me? I'd rather pick and choose from a select group of men who are already interested in me. It feels like a waste of time and effort to me. I can't really pick them if the feelings aren't mutual. 

18 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I suspect you’re attracted to the types of men that are more sex driven than relationship driven. Or you’re presenting yourself in such a way to attract those men. If this is a pattern that keeps happening, you’re going to have to change what you’re doing if you want different results.

I feel like people assume only a certain kind of man wants to have sex quickly. I used to meet a lot of them, and pretty much all of them want the sex upfront. It doesn't matter what they look like. 

I dont do anything sexual. I don't go on dates and act enticing. I don't dress sexy or anything like that. I dont act seductive in any kind of way.

I figured dealing with a man's sex drive is the nature of the beast. Ive had maybe 3 men in my life not try to have sex with me off the bat, and one of them was paralyzed from the chest down. 

Some of these guys will go and date someone else just fine. That's why I keep saying it's not the man, it's how he feels about a woman. 

Edited May 14, 2023 by hotpotato

[hotpotato]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Maybe you're just dating clowns.

What medium do you typically use to meet these guys? How old are they usually?

Since none of us know you as you really are, we can only know the version you present to us.

What type of man are you attracted to? Is it your nature to gravitate towards "playas" who aren't in search of a real relationship, just sex? Have you talked with men who know you as friends rather than potential romantic interests?

If this pattern exists and it isn't working out, you'll need to change the pattern.

In most cases, if a man relentlessly pursues you, he's trying to bed you. Engaging in this game means you will always be the gazelle being chased.

It's up to you to change the dynamic.

Your posts don't give any specific examples. But you are the common denominator.

Back in the day I used online dating. Without online dating I go 2-8 years without a relationship. One ex I met at a bookstore, and my last situationship we met at an event. The last two were older than me. 

One of the exes was a computer nerd. I definitely don't go for Playas. On here I've basically had people tell me I needed to date ugly men lol. 

I dont have male friends only acquaintances. I don't mind being friends with men, but they at some point become very dissatisfied with the situation. Men often choose their female friends according to sexual attraction. 

I dont know if I ever had a man "relentlessly" pursue me and only be after sex. I don't know if I've ever had a man pursue me like that unless he was a stalker. I guess one must define relentlessly. When I dated someone, we usually hit it off from the get go, so I guess there wasn't much pursuing? I think a lotnod times at least in my experience, two people just know they will date each other.

When I was dating a lot, guys would take me on one date, try to have sex with me, and them disappear. I wish they'd just go instead of trying to have sex because we went on a cheap date. Some would try to skip that and immediately get me home.

[Weezy1973]

2 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

When I was dating a lot, guys would take me on one date, try to have sex with me, and them disappear. I wish they'd just go instead of trying to have sex because we went on a cheap date. Some would try to skip that and immediately get me home.

But you’re choosing to go on dates with these men. There’s something wrong with you “picker” and I suspect it’s related for your need to have a man that “crazy” about you right off the bat. 
 

Also you don’t take any responsibility for your own dating life. You paint it as if it’s just things that happen to you. Like you’re continually the victim of circumstance. If you want things to change you need to take ownership of your actions. What part are you playing in this? What things can you do differently?