Having a man who is crazy about you

[hotpotato]

6 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

But you’re choosing to go on dates with these men. There’s something wrong with you “picker” and I suspect it’s related for your need to have a man that “crazy” about you right off the bat. 
 

Also you don’t take any responsibility for your own dating life. You paint it as if it’s just things that happen to you. Like you’re continually the victim of circumstance. If you want things to change you need to take ownership of your actions. What part are you playing in this? What things can you do differently?

Most of the dating esp online dating was kind of random. I would have almost no idea of he were crazy about me at the time of our first date. How am I going to date someone who isnt interested in me? 

I can't just go somewhere, point at a man, and start dating him. It has to be mutual. So, yes, my power is limited. Now for sex I can do that because many men have a very low bar for sex. 

I've never felt like what I wanted ultimately mattered in dating. There's not much I can do if I want to date aside from hoping to bump into someone or going on a lot of dates and meeting a lot of different men. That becomes like a job and can also become dangerous. 

Dating isn't like a hobby. I can't point at that man and be like, "OK, he's my boyfriend now. He's what I want." Most things I do in life aren't like that. If I want to learn guitar and be good, I can practice and take lessons. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, hotpotato said:

 I'd rather pick and choose from a select group of men who are already interested in me. 

Exactly what I was referring to. From the ones who ask you out/show the type of interest you want, choose from that pool. The point being to rule out players and jerks first, then select from the more viable desirable ones.

[hotpotato]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly what I was referring to. From the ones who ask you out/show the type of interest you want, choose from that pool. The point being to rule out players and jerks first, then select from the more viable desirable ones.

That's what I've been doing. The point of being with a man who is interested is not having to chase him. This guy shows genuinely interest, and guys in my experience know who they want to date very quickly. 

However, most guys do the things I don't like. It's not just so called Jerks or players. Pretty much every guy does what I don't like. My situationship tried to bed me quickly, which I don't like. I looked at him crazy, and then he asked me on a proper date. 

Edited May 14, 2023 by hotpotato

[hotpotato]

I thought about , and I really don't think I'm tempting these men aside from just existing. I don't know what people envision I do on dates lol.  Im not some seductress. It's more likely that single chivalry and courtship in general had died, and men feel more at ease being sex forward 

[Weezy1973]

21 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

It's more likely that single chivalry and courtship in general had died, and men feel more at ease being sex forward 

Probably not. It’s just more likely that you’re attracted to men who happen to be sex forward. You’re only dating guys you’re attracted to, and if all those guys are sex forward, you’re the common denominator. It’s not what you’re doing on the dates,  it’s the men you’re attracted to.

[Alpacalia]

Sure. The rise of technology, increased accessibility to pornography, shifting gender norms, and more. They can all have an impact on how men interact with women in relationships, making it seem as if they are being more sexually forward.

Do you otherwise find chivalry and courtship attractive?

Edited May 27, 2023 by Alpacalia

[hotpotato]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Probably not. It’s just more likely that you’re attracted to men who happen to be sex forward. You’re only dating guys you’re attracted to, and if all those guys are sex forward, you’re the common denominator. It’s not what you’re doing on the dates,  it’s the men you’re attracted to.

Is there a kind of man who isn't horny? After years of dating, the only kind of man I've met who was in a hurry for sex was extremely religious. He was also very horny, he just had more restraint. 

What kind of men do you think I'm attracted to??? I dated all kinds of men, and most of them were not that attractive. Honestly, I don't think most men are attractive anyway. I dated, or at least went on dates, with plenty of men who weren't exactly hotties. I wouldn't even say inwas attracted to a lot of the guys I dated or been on dates with. Online dating is pretty random as well. 

I dont going dates looking or acting seductively unless he is fantasizing it. I did have one guy I met at a walking track fantasize that I was trying to seduce him because I wore athletic shorts while exercising during a 95 degree heat index. 

I'm not responsible for a man's sexual desires. They are grown men. 

[hotpotato]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Sure. The rise of technology, increased accessibility to pornography, shifting gender norms, and more. They can all have an impact on how men interact with women in relationships, making it seem as if they are being more sexually forward.

Do you otherwise find chivalry and courtship attractive?

Yes, I like that stuff. I like when guys take time and get to know me. 

However, I doubt I will ever seriously date again. It becomes like a job if I don't find someone quickly. I haven't had anything serious in 7 or 8 years. If women want sex, men give it away more or less freely. You barely have to talk to them. I think the general lack of romance is dating is why I find it pretty easy to do without anything serious. 

I dont know if I'll ever have to desire to go through all the again.

 

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

Yes, I like that stuff. I like when guys take time and get to know me. 

However, I doubt I will ever seriously date again. It becomes like a job if I don't find someone quickly. I haven't had anything serious in 7 or 8 years. If women want sex, men give it away more or less freely. You barely have to talk to them. I think the general lack of romance is dating is why I find it pretty easy to do without anything serious. 

I dont know if I'll ever have to desire to go through all the again.

 

Indeed.

Dating can often feel like a chore and a lot of work.

Maybe it's the reason the traditional process of courting and getting to know someone is becoming less common in dating. It's become easier to just have casual sex without having to put in effort to build a meaningful connection, which can make it difficult to find someone who wants something more than just a physical relationship. It's like taking the easy way out by riding a roller coaster instead of climbing a mountain. The roller coaster is fast and thrilling, but the mountain requires more effort to climb and the view from the peak is much more rewarding. Haha...

[Weezy1973]

51 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

Is there a kind of man who isn't horny?

Most men (and women) are interested in sex. But a lot of men still don’t lead with sex and are perfectly happy to date and get to know someone first (I’m one of those guys). I dated my wife for over a month before we had sex. 

 

53 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

What kind of men do you think I'm attracted to???

Men that are sex forward. It’s related to your desire for a man to be “crazy” about you right away. It can’t be based on who you are if it’s “right away” so it has to be based on the physical. Hence, sex first mentality.

 

55 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

I dont going dates looking or acting seductively unless he is fantasizing it.

As I said before, it’s not what you’re doing; it’s who you’re choosing. 

[hotpotato]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Most men (and women) are interested in sex. But a lot of men still don’t lead with sex and are perfectly happy to date and get to know someone first (I’m one of those guys). I dated my wife for over a month before we had sex. 

 

Men that are sex forward. It’s related to your desire for a man to be “crazy” about you right away. It can’t be based on who you are if it’s “right away” so it has to be based on the physical. Hence, sex first mentality.

 

As I said before, it’s not what you’re doing; it’s who you’re choosing. 

This is politically incorrect, but sexual urges seem a lot more urgent in men. Even the guys who were into me wanted to have sex quickly. I guess I could take these guys and try to temper their desires, but I take men at face value. If a man is trying to have sex with me quickly, that's what I go off. I don't believe in all of that reminding a man to slow down. If he wanted to, he would. 

 

How? I don't follow. There is a difference between someone who is into me and someone who is not. In my experience men know who they want to date pretty quickly. With all my boyfriendwe knew right away we liked each other and were going to date. Guys who were unsure or wishy washy went off to date someone else but would try to keep Mr around for sex. I've never had luck with a guy who wasn't interested me, idk. Does that ever work? I can't make someone want to date me. 

Here's an example. The other day I was waiting for food. I sat down and a guy sat next to me and put his hand on my thigh. Then he invited me to come to his place aka sex. I was in no way, shape, or form, attracted to this man in anyway. I didn't even notice him, and he came over and propositions me. I forbsure didn't choose this guy, and he was trying to have sex asap 

[hotpotato]

54 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Indeed.

Dating can often feel like a chore and a lot of work.

Maybe it's the reason the traditional process of courting and getting to know someone is becoming less common in dating. It's become easier to just have casual sex without having to put in effort to build a meaningful connection, which can make it difficult to find someone who wants something more than just a physical relationship. It's like taking the easy way out by riding a roller coaster instead of climbing a mountain. The roller coaster is fast and thrilling, but the mountain requires more effort to climb and the view from the peak is much more rewarding. Haha...

After years of dating, I understand why a lot of people go ahead and marry their high school sweetheart.

[hotpotato]

I think the term crazy about you is throwing people off. You can't know that much about someone if you just met them. However, sometimes people do meet, hit it off, and start dating quickly. Some people claim to experience love at first sight, and it works fine for them, not to say my situations were that extreme.

 

The married couple previously mentioned have been together for several years. 

[Alpacalia]

I think you want a deep connection?

Instead, staying in the shadows and bullying yourself into emotional dead-ends.
(not finger pointing, I have been guilty of this myself)

Heck, one LTR it was several months before we bumped daisies 🤪 but I can't say with certainty that it was worth it. We were very compatible in many other ways but I wondered if it would have been better to have just had sex sooner because we were definitely not compatible otherwise. We eventually broke up because of that incompatibility, and I realized that sex was not the only factor that determined compatibility.

So, I think we need to get away from this mindset of having someone that is crazy about you because it doesn't guarantee compatibility. Instead, look for someone that you're compatible with in terms of interests, values, and goals. Someone who you can see yourself growing with, with mutual support and understanding. A person with whom you feel safe and loved and with whom you can be yourself.

It's ok to take your time, baby steps. 👣

 

[hotpotato]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I think you want a deep connection?

Instead, staying in the shadows and bullying yourself into emotional dead-ends.
(not finger pointing, I have been guilty of this myself)

Heck, one LTR it was several months before we bumped daisies 🤪 but I can't say with certainty that it was worth it. We were very compatible in many other ways but I wondered if it would have been better to have just had sex sooner because we were definitely not compatible otherwise. We eventually broke up because of that incompatibility, and I realized that sex was not the only factor that determined compatibility.

So, I think we need to get away from this mindset of having someone that is crazy about you because it doesn't guarantee compatibility. Instead, look for someone that you're compatible with in terms of interests, values, and goals. Someone who you can see yourself growing with, with mutual support and understanding. A person with whom you feel safe and loved and with whom you can be yourself.

It's ok to take your time, baby steps. 👣

 

I honestly don't know how to date someone who isn't into me. That didn't work unless I was fine being a placeholder. I'd also say that even men who liked me were very sex forward, like ones I actually dated. They put in effort to spend time with me without me having to go behind them and remind them.

I'm good lol. I do feel bad that I don't want to date. I feel like I should especially at my age, but I don't want to. 

If a guy isn't compatible, we don't have to date. I would be fine just being friends with them, but they seem very dissatisfied with that arrangement. I'd need to find a man who is extremely happy in his relationship and would never cheat or is gay.

Why can't a woman have someone who loves her and shares the same values? Is it mutually exclusive? 

Edited May 27, 2023 by hotpotato

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, hotpotato said:

Why can't a woman have someone who loves her and shares the same values? Is it mutually exclusive? 

It is not mutually exclusive, but it can be difficult to find someone who meets both criteria. Finding someone who loves you and shares your values requires a lot of effort and self-reflection on both sides.

I think you're conflating dating when reciprocal interest develops at a steady pace versus dating someone head over heals for you off the bat. The former is ideal. The latter is not. The over-the-top, crazy, passionate, can't get enough of the other in love feeling is nature's way of making babies. Beyond that, it’s deeply misleading. It's LUST. The key is to distinguish between what is real and what is an illusion. Relying on lust or infatuation leads to disappointment and ultimately unhealthy relationships.

My carelessness led me to get involved with him primarily because he showed great interest in me. He was not sexually forward initially. He was initially a gentleman and quite chivalrous. I had been blinded by his attention and had not taken the time to really get to know him. In ignoring these things, I made a mistake that I regretted for a long time. Several years together and a lot of valuable lessons.

Despite the prevalent idea that an intense rollercoaster experience is necessary, it's simply not true. It's glamorous depictions in movies and television.

Life can be fulfilling without a partner. Self-love, self-respect, and self-care are all essential. If you have those in place, you're good!

Edited May 27, 2023 by Alpacalia

[hotpotato]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

It is not mutually exclusive, but it can be difficult to find someone who meets both criteria. Finding someone who loves you and shares your values requires a lot of effort and self-reflection on both sides.

I think you're conflating dating when reciprocal interest develops at a steady pace versus dating someone head over heals for you off the bat. The former is ideal. The latter is not. The over-the-top, crazy, passionate, can't get enough of the other in love feeling is nature's way of making babies. Beyond that, it’s deeply misleading. It's LUST. The key is to distinguish between what is real and what is an illusion. Relying on lust or infatuation leads to disappointment and ultimately unhealthy relationships.

My carelessness led me to get involved with him primarily because he showed great interest in me. He was not sexually forward initially. He was initially a gentleman and quite chivalrous. I had been blinded by his attention and had not taken the time to really get to know him. In ignoring these things, I made a mistake that I regretted for a long time. Several years together and a lot of valuable lessons.

Despite the prevalent idea that an intense rollercoaster experience is necessary, it's simply not true. It's glamorous depictions in movies and television.

Life can be fulfilling without a partner. Self-love, self-respect, and self-care are all essential. If you have those in place, you're good!

I'm not talking about movies. I'm talking about my experience. I've never had a guy date me who was lukewarm. They've always been into me from the beginning. 

I feel like you are saying it's hard to find someone who loves you and shares the same values. That doesn't make me want to date! I understand that love and infatuation are different. Once again the couple I was talking about are married, and he loves her very much. It seems like they are the same type so I guess they share a lot of interests and values. 

I dont know if ibwould want to be with someone meh or wishy washy about me. Btdt. I see what you're saying, but I've never had a man who felt just 'ok' with me date me. They would turn around and date a woman they were actually into. 

I think people can be very into each other from the beginning and also love grow steadily. I don't view it as either/or. 

Honestly, my life seems better without a partner. If I don't go online and look for a boyfriend, I very rarely have one.

 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I honestly don't know how to date someone who isn't into me.

Why can't a woman have someone who loves her and shares the same values? Is it mutually exclusive? 

You shouldn't have to date someone who's not into you.  But if they are super enthusiastic at the start, you do need to be aware that they may drift away when the new relationship energy dies down and you find that you don't have that much in common.  It doesn't always happen though...I have a number of friends (myself included) who had first date sex with their husbands     

As for worrying about them being gay goes, are you in a culture where it's safe for people to come out?  If you are, and if he's enthusiastic about sex with you, then he's not gay!  

Edit to add: What values do you hold which are hard to find in men who are attracted to you?

Edited May 28, 2023 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

26 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

I feel like you are saying it's hard to find someone who loves you and shares the same values. That doesn't make me want to date! I understand that love and infatuation are different. Once again the couple I was talking about are married, and he loves her very much. It seems like they are the same type so I guess they share a lot of interests and values. 

No. Not what I am suggesting.

I think it's possible to find someone who loves you and shares the same values.

Why the comparison to your friends that are married?

22 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

They've always been into me from the beginning. 

Okay. But you also said that those men were much older and hung up on exes. One of which was an addict, unbeknownst to you.

 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, hotpotato said:

 I dont know if ibwould want to be with someone meh or wishy washy about me.

 

First, you have no idea how someone feels about you. At any point really. So best to stop focusing on how someone feels about you, and concentrate on how you feel about them. Secondly, lukewarm can turn into really into with time. It can also turn in to indifference or no interest. From what I’ve read, relationships that start with a bang with super intensity are usually not emotionally healthy. Not always of course, but developing a healthy relationship with an intense initial chemistry usually fails.

Think about it this way, what qualities do you want in a partner after 10 or 20 years. Is it going to be extreme chemistry (that always wears off with time), or is it things like reliability, dependability, compassion, and shared core values? In other words, only things that can be discovered with time?

[hotpotato]

On 5/27/2023 at 10:13 PM, Weezy1973 said:

First, you have no idea how someone feels about you. At any point really. So best to stop focusing on how someone feels about you, and concentrate on how you feel about them. Secondly, lukewarm can turn into really into with time. It can also turn in to indifference or no interest. From what I’ve read, relationships that start with a bang with super intensity are usually not emotionally healthy. Not always of course, but developing a healthy relationship with an intense initial chemistry usually fails.

Think about it this way, what qualities do you want in a partner after 10 or 20 years. Is it going to be extreme chemistry (that always wears off with time), or is it things like reliability, dependability, compassion, and shared core values? In other words, only things that can be discovered with time?

I've never had a guy slowly get feelings for me. I'm guessing that's some kind if neutral situation in which they aren't really dating yet, like if he's an acquaintance. In my experience, if a man's not that into you, he will try to have sex with you but them go date someone else. 

I think people think I'm saying that you must date a guy because he is into you. That is one of my requirements, but it's not the only one. 

[hotpotato]

On 5/27/2023 at 8:16 PM, Alpacalia said:

No. Not what I am suggesting.

I think it's possible to find someone who loves you and shares the same values.

Why the comparison to your friends that are married?

Okay. But you also said that those men were much older and hung up on exes. One of which was an addict, unbeknownst to you.

 

I compare myself to because I can see what a loving relationship looks like, at least to some degree. Anyone can yell how much he loves her, and it's really sweet. 

 

Not all of my exes were older. Some were closer to my age 

[hotpotato]

On 5/27/2023 at 7:52 PM, basil67 said:

You shouldn't have to date someone who's not into you.  But if they are super enthusiastic at the start, you do need to be aware that they may drift away when the new relationship energy dies down and you find that you don't have that much in common.  It doesn't always happen though...I have a number of friends (myself included) who had first date sex with their husbands     

As for worrying about them being gay goes, are you in a culture where it's safe for people to come out?  If you are, and if he's enthusiastic about sex with you, then he's not gay!  

Edit to add: What values do you hold which are hard to find in men who are attracted to you?

I'm not worries about them gay, though I wouldn't mind having a gay male friend. 

I need someone who is patient and kind. They have to be cool with all my activities. That alone is a deal breaker nowadays which is why I'm single.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I compare myself to because I can see what a loving relationship looks like, at least to some degree. Anyone can yell how much he loves her, and it's really sweet. 

 

Not all of my exes were older. Some were closer to my age 

Aiming for a healthy relationship is a great goal! Typically, people only share the most positive aspects of their relationship. Each coupling is unique and it's not beneficial to compare yours to others. Consider what you would like your relationship to be and focus on that. If you're not ready for a physical connection and someone begins to show more interest in that, it's alright to let them go. Don't feel pressured to settle for someone who isn't showing consistent and genuine interest. That may mean you don't have a man instantly crazy about you from day one but still one that shows genuine, consistent interest.

All you can do is really dig in and take some time to understand what kind of relationship, and partner, you want. Think about what works for you and focus on that instead of comparing yourself to other couples. Make sure to set firm boundaries, while being open to evolving them as you learn and grow. Enjoy the process, be confident in yourself, and don’t forget to have fun (if/when you do decide to date again ).

Edited May 30, 2023 by Alpacalia

[hotpotato]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Aiming for a healthy relationship is a great goal! Typically, people only share the most positive aspects of their relationship. Each coupling is unique and it's not beneficial to compare yours to others. Consider what you would like your relationship to be and focus on that. If you're not ready for a physical connection and someone begins to show more interest in that, it's alright to let them go. Don't feel pressured to settle for someone who isn't showing consistent and genuine interest. That may mean you don't have a man instantly crazy about you from day one but still one that shows genuine, consistent interest.

All you can do is really dig in and take some time to understand what kind of relationship, and partner, you want. Think about what works for you and focus on that instead of comparing yourself to other couples. Make sure to set firm boundaries, while being open to evolving them as you learn and grow. Enjoy the process, be confident in yourself, and don’t forget to have fun (if/when you do decide to date again ).

I dont think their relationship is perfect because he's really into her. In fact, they are going through rough times right now. I know another couple who are definitely in love, and they broke up (and got back together).

If I don't deal with men who try to have sex with me quickly, that's about 99% gone right off the bat. Admittedly, yes, I think I would have to steer them in a certain direction yo maybe have more respects. I dont have the energy to do all that, and also I don't like the principle. Like I said before men make great fwbs. You can have sex with them real fast, not get to know them at all, and most of the time they dont care.