When NC is difficult.

[OW10]

Hi everyone, 

First time poster here.. Need to share my story because I can't with anyone else.. 

Messed up big time the last year or so.. 

I (MW, no children) fell in love with a married coworker (MM, with kids) over a year ago. We liked each other, talked about all sorts of things (not even really about our marriages) and I think we felt it for a while.. I never thought there'd be anything wrong in my marriage. Was never really happy but it's kind of who I am, never really happy.. 

One day he initiated the talk, the word (feelings) came out.. At the beginning I never intended to do something about that, but he pursued me for a while.. I caved, fell in love.. and so the affair began. And now that I look at it in hindsight, a very typical affair..

He wasn't happy in his marriage for years. There was still sex but he missed an emotional connection with his wife and intimacy on other levels. He said he didn't love her anymore. I wasn't his first 'mistake'. Oh the things he said about her.. I really, stupidly, believed him. For months he swept me away. He continuously texted me, came to see me at work, said he couldn't live without me. Said that he never felt this way. Had all sorts of fantasies of a future together.. All the red flags were there.. 

Sex with him, for me, was amazing and eye-opening.. It made me realize I had never enjoyed it with my H, I did it out of obligation. The last couple of years we had a nearly sexless marriage because I had no drive and felt no attraction towards him, whatsoever. We were very young when we met, clicked on every level but I think I never felt *that* chemistry with him, he's also not very skilled at it.. My H is the sweetest man alive, very caring, talkative and my best friend. But I'm having difficulty seeing him as a sexual partner, sometimes feel repulsed at his efforts of lovemaking. I think I came to love him as a friend over the years. He never complained about our sexlife..

And so the affair quickly began to set things in motion for me.  A lot of guilt, but also the feeling I haven't been a good wife, not wanting intimacy.. Very soon after the A started, I could no longer hide the fact that I was very much in love with this other person. We began talking about what was happening, about our marriage and admitted to each other the love had died down over the years. We talked very openly about everything and we let each other go to find happiness elsewhere. 

Meanwhile, MM didn't seem to feel any guilt but I began struggling. I loved him and wanted him to choose. Tried to break up but then came back because he always persuaded me.
As time passed and I became more depressed and sad, one moment he confessed it all at home. I actually believe he loved me. His emotions, like mine, were all over the place and he really gave me whatever time he could. My sadness made him sad and he also couldn't hide his feelings anymore at home. 

Like so often, after his D-day everything changed. He didn't confess everything at once and his wife forgave him. He told me he wanted to work things out at home. I left him be. After a couple of weeks, he came back.. Stupid of me to let him in again, but I was so in love.. Until it, again, didn't feel enough anymore. And after a few weeks, after a fight, he said it had to stop. He said, through therapy, he saw that he still loved her. 
At the same time, I see him struggling. He says he still loves me, still came for a hug the other day. He says nor his wife, nor he find it necessary to completely cut contact or find another job. The fact she thinks like that and she forgives him everything and even puts in a lot of effort (all according to him), makes me question if he told her everything, like he said he did. 

Since then I have been a mess. We still work together and it has been hell. I'm sinking in depression and there isn't a moment a day I don't have him in my mind. Despite everything, I still love him. 
I have so many questions.. Did he really love me? Why did he come back at first? Did he really tell her everything? Should I? I think she has a right to know, like I told my H. How can he tell me he still loves me but turn so cold at the same time? How can he suddenly love his wife again? 

I'm weak.. sometimes can't control myself.. Ask him some questions but never really get any closure.. He stays quiet, turns cold and angry a lot of the time. As days go by, he pushes me further away. I know I have to let him go.. But how to do that when working together? I'm all over the place, completely lost. Constantly see him making efforts to please his wife, see mental pictures of him having sex with her.. 

 

[BaileyB]

No contact is not easy. You’ve been focused on this man for some time - so, it’s going to take some time to change those thought patterns and behaviors.

Unfortunately, you can’t go no contact when you work together. As such, the only answer is to find another job. 

19 minutes ago, OW10 said:

I know I have to let him go.. But how to do that when working together?

You find another job. That’s the only way… it’s too hard for you to see this man at work after the relationship has ended. This is the usual consequence of a workplace affair. 

21 minutes ago, OW10 said:

I'm sinking in depression and there isn't a moment a day I don't have him in my mind.

Well then, you need to change your focus from him to you. It does not matter whether he told her the truth, whether they are having sex, or where they are planning their next vacation - he is married to another woman and that is what married people do. I hate to be blunt but their marriage is none of your business.

My best advice would be to see a physician and/or a counsellor and start working on the e depression. Exercise. Reconnect with friends. Learn to knit. Go on a trip. Read sec help books. Focus on your life, get busy living your own life, and your preoccupation with this man will start to fade over time because you will have other things in your life that bring you joy. Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, OW10 said:

. I'm sinking in depression 

Unfortunately you'll have to leave him alone at work and be professional.

Keep in mind unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Some people use affairs for the high or to self-medicate other problems. Focus on your martial issues.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Unfortunately you already know the answers but don't want to believe it was all a mirage and an act.

Do not contact him or his people. This could be construed as sexual harassment, since you work together and he wants to end it. You need to let go.

 

Edited April 25, 2023 by Wiseman2

[OW10]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

I'm getting some support through therapy, so really working on myself and own issues at the moment.. 

It's just difficult.. seeing him at work every day. I worked hard for my career in the company so simply getting another job is not really an option at the moment. Also, I'm having difficulty seeing him just pick up where he left off before the A, at home and at work. While my world seems to be crumbling down all together. Kind of feel too stubborn to also quit my job after having to give up my M. He pursued me, wanted me to stay.. 

Just wondering all the time.. Did he really love me? How come he suddenly loves her again? Why does she forgive him? Could he just watch me leave and go NC? He got so emotional with me.. crying.. begging me to stay when I wanted to end things. And now it's like I don't even exist to him.. I don't understand. 

Been reading on here and often the MM keeps chasing the OW even after she goes NC.. While in this situation he seems to have done a 180..  Really not expecting him to chase me again or come back. Don't know if I would really want that, maybe to be honest I'm still hoping he will.... Am/was I really nothing to him? 
Feel so stupid.. Low self-esteem.. 

If he really did love me, how does he do it? Just forget about me and move on? Not even feeling the need to go NC, it's no problem for him to see me at work.. 

How do MM do this? 

[JTSW]

I can guarantee that he hasn't told his wife anything. 

If he had told her, she most certainly wouldn't forgive him and certainly wouldn't be ok with him continuing to work with you.

She clearly doesn't know and he clearly lied about everything.

He fed you all the classic MM lines and you fell for it.

Doesn't love his wife, his wife is horrible etc.

All lies.

He never loved you, just romanced you to get what he wanted.

He knows just what to say to get women invested in him.

He's a chancer, a lying rat.

You are likely not the only one he has been doing this with either.

One of you needs to find a new job.

 

Edited April 26, 2023 by JTSW

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, OW10 said:

 I Did he really tell her everything? Should I? I think she has a right to know, like I told my H. 

Are you divorced? You don't have to quit your job, you just have to leave him alone. 

Do not contact him or his wife. He ended things and you trying to pursue him could be construed as sexual harassment, at the workplace.  The last thing you need is him or his wife filing a harassment or stalking case or getting a restraining order against you. Leave them alone.

Sadly yes, affairs are a mirage completely built on deceit. You'll have to come to terms with the fact that affairs end when they're no longer convenient.

Edited April 26, 2023 by Wiseman2

[OW10]

Yes, I am divorced.

The other day, in a weak moment, I told him I didn't believe he told her everything. Threatened to tell her. He got really angry, saying he did tell, I shouldn't interfere.

Just don't know what to do.. I kind of want closure, want her to know and to not make this easy on him. All he ever says is about him wanting to look where his marriage is going, but I never hear him the other way around, if his wife wants him after all of this. So selfish..

I know I should leave it alone, don't interfere. I'm really not planning to do anything about it. But still, keep having fantasies of exposing him at home for what he is.. Don't know how to deal with this anger I feel.. 

[JTSW]

I can understand that you are angry but you are not innocent in this by a long shot.

He played you and you lost.

Now use that anger constructively.

Take up the gym and work out that anger.

There is absolutely no point in threatening to tell his wife.

It wouldn't just be her you would be hurting by doing that, it would hurt innocent children too.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, OW10 said:

.The other day, in a weak moment, I told him I didn't believe he told her everything. Threatened to tell her. He got really angry, saying he did tell, I shouldn't interfere.

Please be careful before he or his wife or the workplace takes legal action against you.  "Closure" is when it's over.

Your hurt and anger are understandable and can be dealt with through therapy.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, OW10 said:

Just wondering all the time.. Did he really love me? How come he suddenly loves her again? Why does she forgive him? Could he just watch me leave and go NC? He got so emotional with me.. crying.. begging me to stay when I wanted to end things. And now it's like I don't even exist to him.. I don't understand. 

I hate to say it, but this is just so typical of any affair. There is no answer that is going to bring you satisfaction. The truth is likely that he has feelings for you both. He never stopped loving his wife - despite what he may have told you. She is his wife because he chose her to be his life partner. He also chose to be with you and in a perfect world - he would love to have you both. Why did she take him back? Because he didn’t tell her the whole truth - his defensive response to your question tells you that he didn’t tell her the whole truth. Or, they have a history together, they share a home, they have children - she doesn’t want to give that up. For all you know, he blamed you and swore that he would work to be a better husband and never stray again - if she would just forgive him this one indiscretion. Regardless, it’s not really for you to know. It’s their marriage. He’s obviously decided to end things and that’s the bottom line. He is done. Time for you to move on…

It’s very typical in affairs for the man to return home only to resume married life when the affair ends. Are there consequences at home? Probably, but you don’t know. Meanwhile, the OW is left holding the bag - bereft and full of questions that have no good answer… like - did he ever love me? 

One thing you will need to make peace with before you are able to move on is that you will likely never get the answers to these questions. You will have to learn to live with the fact that this has happened and you will never really understand why - from his perspective. So, you create your own closure, you look at your own decisions here, and you begin to look toward your own future… I’m glad that you are in counselling - you have a lot of work to do. Best wishes. 

[mark clemson]

20 hours ago, OW10 said:

I'm sinking in depression and there isn't a moment a day I don't have him in my mind.

You might consider whether you have limerence, which is sometimes triggered/intensified by breakups and so-close-but-can't-have situations. "Intrusive thoughts" of the other person are one sign.

Not sure IF it's that, but if it is it can certainly become quite distressing. You should realize it will last at least several months but WILL eventually fade. Seeing the person regularly probably keeps it triggered, which no doubt isn't helping. Drama and "poignancy" are your enemy in the sense that they will probably increase your distress. Distractions and things like working out, time in nature, and normal social relations will help, but they tend to be band aids until your brain finally gets over it, which takes time (and longer than we tend to want).

It's unlikely he didn't have feelings for you, but if he's chosen his wife/marriage, he's chosen his wife/marriage. He probably has feelings for her as well (both positive and negative) and in reality practical matters frequently override sentiment in life. Ending a marriage is a big deal and not everyone has the stomach for dealing with it (nor does everyone who's unhappy with some aspects of it truly wish to end it). Men are also supposedly "good at compartmentalizing" which probably helps (him to do this) as well.

If his wife is interested in reconciling with him, she (and possibly he) may be "making you the enemy" and circling the wagons. This might involve a certain amount of denial on her (and possibly his) part about his role/agency in all of this, but that may be part of reconciling for some folks.

I'm not going to give you any advice on changes to make or not make in your life. I will note, though, that IF it's limerence and IF you can get into a situation where it's essentially impossible to see/be with him anymore, that MIGHT help it subside faster. Whether making a change like that would be "worth it" for you is of course something you'd have to decide for yourself.

Wikipedia article on limerence: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

 

[Lotsgoingon]

You got to go get a life outside of this guy--also called a life.

If you have nothing but your obsession for him going then yes nc seems impossible.

NC is always hard at the start, but you need to go build a life. Activities, reading, friends, travel, walks, exercise, thinking, quiet time, nature, dancing--something! And multiple somethings.

Right now, your brain is stuck on life with this guy being all there is. That's a complete delusion--about as big a delusion as hearing voices from a rock on the ground. I've been there--when you're attached obsessively to someone. But that's only chaos and that's only because you are not living your own life. 

[Allupinnit]

Look - the only way out of this mental and emotional hell is to find another job, like yesterday.  You can do this.

She most likely caught him in a lie or saw a message and cornered him, and he gave her a pile of crap to placate her until things calm down at home and the affair resumes again because you didn't stay away from him.  That includes seeing this person at work in any capacity.  It is too hard, you cannot do it.  This is not a failure on your part, you were wired this way for a good reason and it is one of the unfortunate downfalls of how an affair can destroy you.  Your body keeps the score, always.

So you're most likely right, he hasn't told her, but it won't do ANY good if you tell her.  She won't believe you because he's already warmed her up and she ultimately wants to keep her family together.  You'll just be the "crazy girl at work" who overstepped her boundaries.

I am so sorry you are caught up in this but you need to now go into survival mode and do what it takes to extract yourself from this entire situation completely.  Men will almost always do what benefits them firstly in the moment, especially if they are selfish cheaters who have an affair with the woman at work.  And right now it benefits him to cool things with you because his wife is probably watching, and alimony and child supoport are also not in his best interests.  It really is that simple.  For guys like him affairs are fun and thrilling!

 

[stillafool]

On 4/26/2023 at 4:55 AM, OW10 said:

Yes, I am divorced.

The other day, in a weak moment, I told him I didn't believe he told her everything. Threatened to tell her. He got really angry, saying he did tell, I shouldn't interfere.

Just don't know what to do.. I kind of want closure, want her to know and to not make this easy on him. All he ever says is about him wanting to look where his marriage is going, but I never hear him the other way around, if his wife wants him after all of this. So selfish..

I know I should leave it alone, don't interfere. I'm really not planning to do anything about it. But still, keep having fantasies of exposing him at home for what he is.. Don't know how to deal with this anger I feel.. 

It's good that you are divorced so you can meet another man who is available to love you.  The idea to tell his wife usually backfires on the OW.  He will just claim you chased and begged him to have sex with you and he got caught up in the rush.  He will then claim how he tried to end it and you threatened to tell her.  She will be angry, hurt and confused.  In the end she will accept his story, reconcile, probably become closer and they both will view you as the evil homewrecker who tried to come between them.   It's best to forgive yourself for making the choice to enter into an affair with another married person and hurting your husband and his wife.  Then enter therapy to help you get over this guy if you can't leave your job.  It's going to be a rough road ahead.

Also as smoothly as he ended this affair and returned to "business as usual" pretty much confirms this was not his first affair and neither will it be his last.  He probably sensed you were going to start issuing ultimatums about his marriage and that's when it ends for him.  He doesn't want to leave his wife, he just wants extra on the side.

Edited April 27, 2023 by stillafool

[Luna66star]

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I realize you have strong feelings for this man and it appears he does for you.

Put your feelings aside and really examine the character of this MM. He has been dishonest and lied to her.  This is how he deals with relationship problems.  If you were married to him, he would cheat on you also.

How long has he been married?  10, 20 30 years?  Realize also even though the emotional connection with his wife is missing - he shares a deep family bond with her and his kids.  It's not easy to walk away and this is likely why he's still trying to repair things.  If he left her, the W would tell him to move out, he would need a lawyer and it would really hurt his kids plus the wife.  There's the shame of failing, alienation from family, plus the overwhelming grief and loss, even if he said he didn't love her.  Sounds like he does though after all.

Never get involved with MM even if they complain about her.  There's still something there - otherwise he would have left already.  Men don't actually leave women they truly love.

It's common for sex to die down in marriages after many years if two people don't focus on keeping that alive.  Work, children, and sickness all overshadow intimacy.  Does that mean two people don't love each other anymore? 

Look for another job.  Possibly take stress leave from work to get counseling and apply for other opportunities.

This whole situation is eating you alive ... it won't get any better and your health will deteriorate!