Is 41 too old to have a baby?

[JTSW]

I (41f) am very happily married to my wonderful husband (44m). We both look allot younger than our ages though. We have a beautiful 16 year old daughter together and he has a 23 year old son from a previous relationship who I adore. My husband is a wonderful father and in the past we have broached the subject of having another child. But time went on and eventually he decided that it's too late in life now and that now the kids are all older its now time for us to have our time together. I totally understand where he is coming from and I agreed. We've been really enjoying our social life with our best friends too. A week ago, my husband and I had sex. I don't want to go into too much detail but he always pulls out before, you know, and we haven't had a problem for years. After we had sex last week, I noticed he must have had a little 'pre-leakage' and a little of his semen was a little inside me when I was washing. I know this likely may not be anything to worry about but It got me wondering if it would be enough to get me pregnant. I'm half hoping not but I'm also half hoping it might be. I have told him about this and he doesn't think its enough to get me pregnant and not to worry about it. I am enjoying our time together but I also really like the idea of another baby, but I fear we are too old now. 

[Weezy1973]

My wife and I just had a baby (our second). She just turned 40 and I’ll be 50 in a couple months. However, we don’t have older kids already. We’re basically just late bloomers starting our family at an older age. 
 

So while you’re not too old to have a baby, the issue is more that your husband does not want a baby. He’s done the parenting thing twice already and now is ready to move to the next phase of life where it’s more about couple time and I’m sure you each have your own hobbies and careers that you enjoy. I would advise to definitely not have a baby if you and your husband aren’t on the same page about it.

[JTSW]

6 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I would advise to definitely not have a baby if you and your husband aren’t on the same page about it.

I wouldn't say we're not on the same page about it.

He just thinks that maybe we're a bit too old. 

We will definitely discuss all options if need be.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, JTSW said:

I wouldn't say we're not on the same page about it.

He just thinks that maybe we're a bit too old. 

We will definitely discuss all options if need be.

The easiest thing to do is a drug store pregnancy test. That would eliminate a lot of conjecture. If it's positive, then you'll have a lot to sort out.

[JTSW]

I know. It's only been a week though so we need to give it more time.

[Coily]

A neighbor of mine had her youngest at 49, so 41 isn't too old. It's really up to what you and your husband want, yes higher risk; but modern medicine helps.

[Weezy1973]

29 minutes ago, JTSW said:

I wouldn't say we're not on the same page about it.

He just thinks that maybe we're a bit too old. 

It sounds to me like he’s definitely not interested in having a baby at this stage as per:

 

51 minutes ago, JTSW said:

…he decided that it's too late in life now and that now the kids are all older its now time for us to have our time together.

This to me sounds like he has no interest in raising another child. Having a baby is a major life changer. It seems like he’s happy with life now and doesn’t want the massive change that a new baby would bring. 

[JTSW]

Yeah, hopefully It'll be nothing to worry about.

[BettyDraper]

"Too old" depends on your fertility, energy levels, and desire to have a child. 

I contemplated having a child late in life. I decided that I loved my freedom, money, and sleep too much. I also love my unencumbered time with my fiance. 

I would not want to have a 10 year old when I'm in my 50s. I would have preferred to be done with little babies by that point in my life. 

Your husband doesn't want another child. Are you okay with that? 

[mark clemson]

In the US, you'd be considered "advanced maternal age" by the doctors and there would be additional monitoring and suggestions/practices due to that. Plenty of people have successful pregnancies in their early 40's, esp. with modern medical interventions, if needed. The risk of complications is substantially higher, but in reality there are risks at any age.

[IrinaM]

You're never "too old" to have a baby, this is entirely a personal decision.

What were your prior babies like, so to speak? Do you tend to have "easy" babies? Can you afford a night nurse? Do you have family around to help out?

Also- it's great that you both look young but that won't really matter to the baby lol- how is your health? Do either of you have a chronic health condition you're dealing with? Age can bring problems with sleep, joints, back, knees, and babies can also effect these things.

What about your finances? Money spent or debt incurred might be harder at this age, as you don't really have as much time to to earn it back and retirement is on the horizon at some point in the future.

My point is, you probably can get pregnant, and you probably could pull it off, but there will be significant tradeoffs. There always are, but at this stage in life, you're really going to want to put thought into this.

 

[JTSW]

False alarm.

Not pregnant.

[JTSW]

19 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

I contemplated having a child late in life. I decided that I loved my freedom, money, and sleep too much. I also love my unencumbered time with my fiance. 

I would not want to have a 10 year old when I'm in my 50s. I would have preferred to be done with little babies by that point in my life. 

This hit home for me.

I definitely love that my husband and I have our time now and go out often with friends.

We had a lovely discussion last night when we realised it was a false alarm and realised that starting all over again is not really doable.

We love having our time together and we have plans for traveling. 

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, JTSW said:

False alarm.Not pregnant.

Maybe this is a good time to talk to your husband about vasectomy and talk to your physician about reliable contraception. This way there would be no perimenopausal oops baby causing dilemmas for the both of you. It's better to be sure about things.

[JTSW]

On 4/29/2023 at 1:42 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe this is a good time to talk to your husband about vasectomy

I have spoken to him about this a few times.

He's apprehensive about it but he's knows its the right thing to do.

I've had bad reactions to contraceptive pills in the past so I've stayed off them.

[Kassieee]

What do you guys mean when you say you're a bit too old? Why exactly?

 

[JTSW]

8 hours ago, justaskingok said:

What do you guys mean when you say you're a bit too old? Why exactly?

 

In our 40s. Being older means there could be more complications (possibly).

[Kassieee]

On 5/17/2023 at 4:25 AM, JTSW said:

In our 40s. Being older means there could be more complications (possibly).

That's a bummer. 40s seems like the best age to have children.

[Atwood]

I don't know if this will be useful, but Good Mythical Morning (youtube dads) went and got their vasectomies and filmed their experience (obviously not the actual procedure) to de-stigmatise it for men who might be apprehensive. Perhaps you could ask him to watch these kinds of things or read some experiences of men who have been through it to help him make up his mind?

I don't get on with hormonal contraception either as it makes me really sick. I'll be relieved when we're done having kids and my partner can go and get his done! Peace of mind

[Grumpy Bob]

Short answer, you're not too old, and neither is your husband.  But if you did want to conceive, maybe talk to a doctor.  There has always been a link between age and certain complications, and specialist is the best one to advise on such things.

As far as your husband goes, being concerned over age isn't the same as "not wanting kids"  but obviously you should talk through what his concerns are.

I think my big questions to the OP would be why haven't you tried for another child before now, versus why does the prospect suddenly excite you?  What's changed?

If this is something that you have always wanted, then you need to talk to your husband about it.

I don't accept or agree with the notion that a husband simply gets to Veto the idea, because it doesn't fit HIS plans.  Simply put "Not having a child" is just as big a decision as "Having a child"  and since you would be the one to carry, birth, and nurse the child, it should be predominantly your wishes that are respected.  Obviously, in a perfect world, husbands and wives would always agree, on everything.  But what I'm reading here is that you were excited by the idea, but let your husband mansplain again why he doesn't want another child.

And, just curious, what's his reason been for the last 15 years?  Because you definitely were not "too old" for most of that time.

[JTSW]

On 5/19/2023 at 6:47 PM, Atwood said:

I don't know if this will be useful, but Good Mythical Morning (youtube dads) went and got their vasectomies and filmed their experience (obviously not the actual procedure) to de-stigmatise it for men who might be apprehensive. Perhaps you could ask him to watch these kinds of things or read some experiences of men who have been through it to help him make up his mind?

That's a good idea. I will mention this to him.

On 5/20/2023 at 7:29 PM, Grumpy Bob said:

And, just curious, what's his reason been for the last 15 years?  Because you definitely were not "too old" for most of that time.

He has a son (24) from a previous relationship whom I love and adore like my own.

When we had our daughter together we felt complete.

I haven't felt the 'want' for another child until now.

He would never deny me another child but it's just not feasible right now.

[Grumpy Bob]

On 5/22/2023 at 4:23 PM, JTSW said:

He would never deny me another child

That's wonderful

On 5/22/2023 at 4:23 PM, JTSW said:

just not feasible right now

I guess I take the view that children are never really "feasible."  But hey, I'm certainly not saying you should 🙂

I'd just reiterate that you're not too old, but in a few more years you might be.  And that either way it's a big decision, not to be taken lightly in favour or against, and something you should decide on it's own merits, not based solely on its impacts on your husband's plans.

That said, you should also consider how your daughter would feel?  She might be delighted at the idea, or maybe not.

[JTSW]

4 minutes ago, Grumpy Bob said:

That said, you should also consider how your daughter would feel?  She might be delighted at the idea, or maybe not.

She loves her big brother but she definitely doesn't want anymore lol

[Ageless Wisdom23]

😉

It may be  a bit harder to conceive at this age but of Course, It does happen.  If it is meant for Mother Nature to bless you both with a baby at your still Youthful Ages, So be it.  I am also sure if you were to conceive with either Planning or not Planning, Your husband would be very supportive.🙂

Edited May 25, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[JTSW]

16 hours ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

I am also sure if you were to conceive with either Planning or not Planning, Your husband would be very supportive.🙂

Definitely.

He's the most wonderful supportive husband.