LetMeBe Posted April 28, 2023 Share Posted April 28, 2023 So, my husband (or STBXH) and I are separated. I do not want this separation and and would very much like to work this out. He left to go figure himself out, and after 2 months of begging he told me he wants to move on and heal. I asked about the rules of our separation and if there’s a chance of reconciliation (this was a a couple weeks in). He said no chance and that we should date other people when we’re ready. I told him I don’t want to date other people..and I told him I don’t think he should either if he’s focusing on his mental health. I expressed if we can park that and just focus on healing and then come back to see if reconciliation is still off the cards, and then maybe in a couple months time we can talk about dating other people. He told me doesn’t like all these rules and if I’m going to be like that then to leave it and that he doesn’t want to know if I’m dating other people cause it’s none of his business. I told him I’m not doing anything because I want to make this marriage work..I guess what I’m asking is…should I? I don’t think I’m ready. I’ve been told to get over my attachment with him I should start dating/sleeping with other people but on some deep level and I just can’t see it. How do people just do it when they’re married still? I don’t understand…I just feel like until my divorce paper is signed then..idk… thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted April 28, 2023 Share Posted April 28, 2023 Unfortunately he does not share the same desire that you have to repair your marriage. He is ready to be single right now. You'll need to figure out how to accept this; maybe you could use some help from a therapist. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted April 28, 2023 Share Posted April 28, 2023 He's ready to move on and has no wish to fix a marriage he sees as broken beyond repair. You are not yet ready to let go, and it may be awhile before you can do so enough to date again. If he's sure it's over and he won't come back, then sure, he's ready to date. Most people who are separated and not going back think dating is fine. I did; I was dating a few weeks after moving out. My divorce ended up taking 7 years, but I'd found my next LTR relationship within a few months. I am very glad I didn't wait to date. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 28, 2023 Share Posted April 28, 2023 3 hours ago, LetMeBe said: . I asked about the rules of our separation and if there’s a chance of reconciliation. He said no chance and that we should date other people when we’re ready. I told him I don’t want to date other people.. Sorry this is happening. If you're not interested in dating that's fine. In fact, waiting for "the ink to dry" is probably a wise decision. Unfortunately the marriage isn't going to work out whether you date or not because he seems adamant about going through with the divorce. Are you concerned he's already seeing someone? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 2, 2023 Share Posted May 2, 2023 He has told you there is no chance of reconciliation. You sound completely in denial about that. You'll need to accept that this marriage is over. You certainly don't sound like you're in a place to date, not even close, so don't do that. It wouldn't be fair to the other people who you would be leading on. Right now you just need to focus on managing this transition in your life. Stop grasping at false hopes of reconciling... he's already made it clear that is not happening. The longer you cling to that, the longer you are delaying the process of you moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 2, 2023 Share Posted May 2, 2023 I'm sorry this has happened. As he doesn't want to give the marriage another try, you're at the point of irreconcilable differences, and so it's time for you to work on ways for you to move forward. I strongly disagree with your friend's advice that you should start seeing others as a way to get over it. Personally, I think it's really rotten to use someone else as a way to soothe our own pain. And besides the ethical issues with what they are suggesting, you're simply not ready and that's OK. You ask if other people start seeing others when they are separated. Many many years ago, I started dating before the divorce was done. I knew there was no going back and I truly hit the ground running. I think it's a lot easier for the one who doesn't want to repair the marriage Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted May 2, 2023 Share Posted May 2, 2023 You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do. If you don't want to date that's perfectly fine. You do what you feel is best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 2, 2023 Share Posted May 2, 2023 On 4/28/2023 at 11:32 AM, LetMeBe said: He told me doesn’t like all these rules and if I’m going to be like that then to leave it and that he doesn’t want to know if I’m dating other people cause it’s none of his business. He basically told you this so to also let you know who he's dating is none of your business. I wouldn't be surprised if he's already dating someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts