Why shall I ( M29) do about her (F28)

[HBK123]

 

There’s this girl I met through a dating app, I’ve met her atleast 15 times in the last 2 months considering she lives 2 and a half hours away. I like her and I’ve told her this, she doesn’t like me back.. she said I’m very handsome and nice but she said she doesn’t feel a sexual attraction towards me.. because I’ve put weight on compared to the pics she had seen to me. I’m not overly fat.. I’m 6ft and I admit I’ve put on a few pounds but I know I still look good. 

Please don’t misunderstand me when I say this, I don’t give to recieve but I’ve paid for everything, I’ve come her city 14 times she’s come to mine once and even then I went to pick her up and take her back because I didn’t feel comfortable her being on a train with football hooligans on it (during the weekend) 

Just this weekend gone, I took her to the zoo, took her for a day out in Manchester, fancy restaurants, romantic scenery, the whole shabang, also took her to someone’s house far away because she wanted to sell a kitten to them  

I’ve been so lovely and caring towards her, her not so much, it’s like I’m just a random guy in her life

After our 4 days together, we watched a movie whilst on the phone to eachother and the next day and today she’s been very distant, I’ve been trying to get an answer but she won’t respond until I eventually she told me she’s been been an anxious and thag she doesn’t know if she can do long distance 

I’ve made every effort to see her and it still isn’t enough, I done so much in sucha small amount of time and it still isn’t enough. I don’t know what to do, I feel attached whereas I doin she cares two shits about me. 

She knows I’ve come from a bad previous relationship where it took me 3 years to recover and heal after the girl I was suppose to marry and introduced my family to, cheated on me. 
That relationship broke me as a man and I took 3 years to recover but truthfully I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again.. my biggest mistake back then was I gave every inch of myself to that person and I feel like I’m doing the same again, I’m scared of losing myself again. I just want to be loved 😞 I feel so worthless and sad all the time.

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

 she said she doesn’t feel a sexual attraction towards me.. because I’ve put weight on compared to the pics she had seen to me. 

Sorry this is happening. She's not very nice to you. It seems like your investment isn't appreciated. It's probably better to let her go and find a nicer woman.

[HBK123]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. She's not very nice to you. It seems like your investment isn't appreciated. It's probably better to let her go and find a nicer woman.

I get too attached, I don’t know how to just walk away, I struggle with this so bad 

[basil67]

52 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

I get too attached, I don’t know how to just walk away, I struggle with this so bad 

This woman is using you.  If I were in her situation where I wasn't attracted to a guy who's keen on me, I'd stop seeing him.  Firstly, to allow him to move on and second, because allowing him to pay for all these nice things, knowing that he's interested and I'm not is ethically wrong.   So apparently, she's not big on ethics.

That said, it's also on you to make sure you don't get used.   She's told you that she's not interested, both from a romantic sense and because of the distance - so why do you keep seeing her?   Are you hoping she will change her mind?   

When it comes to dating, self preservation is key.  It's really important to make sure to keep yourself out of situations where all the signs are that you will get hurt.

Edited April 28, 2023 by basil67

[HBK123]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This woman is using you.  If I were in her situation where I wasn't attracted to a guy who's keen on me, I'd stop seeing him.  Firstly, to allow him to move on and second, because allowing him to pay for all these nice things, knowing that he's interested and I'm not is ethically wrong.   So apparently, she's not big on ethics.

That said, it's also on you to make sure you don't get used.   She's told you that she's not interested, both from a romantic sense and because of the distance - so why do you keep seeing her?   Are you hoping she will change her mind?   

When it comes to dating, self preservation is key.  It's really important to make sure to keep yourself out of situations where all the signs are that you will get hurt.

I thought to myself is she using me, but then I thought she’s someone who is brutally honest and would tell me to just do one if she wasn’t feeling it. She did say today she likes me and has high hopes for us but I’m not even getting 10% back in energy compared to what I’m giving her. She lets me hold her hand, kiss her on the cheek and forehead, just not on the lips yet, mainly because of my weight? Even tho she said I’m handsome? 
 

I am kinda holding onto to the hope she will treat me and be towards me the way I am towards her. 
 

im just tired, I’m just not meant to have any happiness. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, HBK123 said:

I thought to myself is she using me, but then I thought she’s someone who is brutally honest and would tell me to just do one if she wasn’t feeling it. She did say today she likes me and has high hopes for us but I’m not even getting 10% back in energy compared to what I’m giving her. She lets me hold her hand, kiss her on the cheek and forehead, just not on the lips yet, mainly because of my weight? Even tho she said I’m handsome? 
 

I am kinda holding onto to the hope she will treat me and be towards me the way I am towards her. 
 

im just tired, I’m just not meant to have any happiness. 

Even though she may be brutally honest, it doesn't mean that she's not a time waster or user.   All in all, words mean nothing if the actions don't match.   And if she was really into you, your weight wouldn't matter....particularly as you say you're not overly fat.    Just how different do you think you look to your profile photos?

To be honest, you're not going to find happiness when you're busy wasting time with someone who's actions don't match their words.   Don't settle for this user.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman is not into you, OP. You are completely wasting your time here. 

No amount of "nice" or being lovely and attentive to her is going to change that. You have to stop trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. 

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, HBK123 said:

I thought to myself is she using me, but then I thought she’s someone who is brutally honest and would tell me to just do one if she wasn’t feeling it. She did say today she likes me and has high hopes for us but I’m not even getting 10% back in energy compared to what I’m giving her. She lets me hold her hand, kiss her on the cheek and forehead, just not on the lips yet, mainly because of my weight? Even tho she said I’m handsome? 
 

I am kinda holding onto to the hope she will treat me and be towards me the way I am towards her. 
 

im just tired, I’m just not meant to have any happiness. 

you said you got together 10+ t8mes?  Did you have sex? Kiss?

 

usually be date 4 you should have a good idea on things.

 

I e had my share of women who don’t mind dating you if it means free dinner and having some fun but thry at parent putting the effort in where you have to initiate everything.  Same with paying. St some point you shoukd expect her to pay or she makes dinner.

[HBK123]

5 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

you said you got together 10+ t8mes?  Did you have sex? Kiss?

 

usually be date 4 you should have a good idea on things.

 

I e had my share of women who don’t mind dating you if it means free dinner and having some fun but thry at parent putting the effort in where you have to initiate everything.  Same with paying. St some point you shoukd expect her to pay or she makes dinner.

No sex or no intimate kissing 

I asked her today if she cares for my existence in her life and said she said she cares for me as much as she cares for a work colleague and that at the moment im just a temporary person in her life  

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

 at the moment im just a temporary person in her life  

Please delete and block this woman. There's no point wasting your time, energy and money on someone like this. That will free you to find local women who are ready, willing and able to date you rather than just take you for a ride. You'll feel better after cutting your losses and finding more appropriate women to date who will appreciate you and reciprocate your efforts.

 

Edited April 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[HBK123]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please delete and block this woman. There's no point wasting your time, energy and money on someone like this. That will free you to find local women who are ready, willing and able to date you rather than just take you for a ride. You'll feel better after cutting your losses and finding more appropriate women to date.

I wish it was easier said than done. I feel evil just blocking and deleting everything 😞

I had booked tickets to go to a theme park (Alton towers) on Monday but I don’t think I want to go anymore.. it’s 2 and a half hours to go pick her up then 2 hours from her to theme park. I’d rather just lost the money I spent than go, I just feel so drained and as if I hit a dead end

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

 I’d rather just lost the money I spent than go, I just feel so drained and as if I hit a dead end

Tell her it's not working out and end it. You have hit a dead end. It is completely in your control. 

Unless there's something missing from the story. Why would you contact someone this far away when on dating apps? Is there a reason you chose this situation such as cultural pressures? For example is this a matrimonial app?

It's unclear why you're pursuing this unless you're under some sort of pressure or obligation to.

Ask someone else to go. You have no obligation to keep entertaining her.

[HBK123]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Tell her it's not working out and end it. You have hit a dead end. It is completely in your control. 

Unless there's something missing from the story. Why would you contact someone this far away when on dating apps? Is there a reason you chose this situation such as cultural pressures? For example is this a matrimonial app?

It's unclear why you're pursuing this unless you're under some sort of pressure or obligation to.

Ask someone else to go. You have no obligation to keep entertaining her.

Nope I’ve told you as it is but yes it is an app for dating with the intention of marriage 

-sigh- you’re right.. I should just block and delete her with no explanation 

[Calmandfocused]

Op 

The minute that someone tells you that they do not like you enough, exactly as you are, you leave! 
 

Never adopt the position that you will try your hardest to show them how good you are so they change their mind.
 

You are good enough. Exactly as you are. 
 

Why are you placing all your value and worth on this lady? 
 

You can’t see it but she’s using you for attention and self validation (and probably money). 
 

Give her the push and find someone else who wants and values you. 
 

Something tells me that this woman you’re trying so hard with isn’t all that herself! But who cares? You certainly shouldn’t! 
 

 

[HBK123]

1 minute ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op 

The minute that someone tells you that they do not like you enough, exactly as you are, you leave! 
 

Never adopt the position that you will try your hardest to show them how good you are so they change their mind.
 

You are good enough. Exactly as you are. 
 

Why are you placing all your value and worth on this lady? 
 

You can’t see it but she’s using you for attention and self validation (and probably money). 
 

Give her the push and find someone else who wants and values you. 
 

Something tells me that this woman you’re trying so hard with isn’t all that herself! But who cares? You certainly shouldn’t! 
 

 

I think it’s cause I struggle to find people attractive and I found her attractive but I’m slowly losing that attractiveness towards her the more I see her as a person. 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

 yes it is an app for dating with the intention of marriage 

.. I should just block and delete her with no explanation 

Tell her you're not a good match, then delete and block her. That's the purpose of dating, even with matrimonial apps. To see if you're a good fit and it's already apparent that you're not 

Are you required to use this particular app for cultural or religious reasons?

Can you use other high quality apps to meet local women and emphasize your religion/culture so you can meet women with the same goals as you?

[HBK123]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Tell her you're not a good match, then delete and block her. That's the purpose of dating, even with matrimonial apps. To see if you're a good fit and it's already apparent that you're not 

Are you required to use this particular app for cultural or religious reasons?

Can you use other high quality apps to meet local women and emphasize your religion/culture so you can meet women with the same goals as you?

I’m not required to do so but I don’t know how else to meet anyone else… I’m 29 and most people around me are married now. 
 

I’m a Muslim so I’d only date with the intention of marriage, I’m happy to wait until after marriage for sex too

Edited April 29, 2023 by HBK123

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

I m a Muslim so I’d only date with the intention of marriage, I’m happy to wait until after marriage for sex too

Ok. Perhaps you could still use this or similar apps with better screening.

If you are free to use any apps you wish, you could try getting a good profile and recent accurate pics on paid, quality relationship-focused apps and of course mention your culture/religion and dating intentions.

As far as this situation, she's not a good match and she's certainly not the only woman on earth who's looking for what you're looking for. You'll have to diversify your dating approach to include other general relationship apps and real life opportunities.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses, stay involved with your place of worship and see if they have opportunities for singles to meet and interact or other social events that would bring you together with like-minded people.

Edited April 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[HBK123]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Perhaps you could still use this or similar apps with better screening.

If you are free to use any apps you wish, you could try getting a good profile and recent accurate pics on paid, quality relationship-focused apps and of course mention your culture/religion and dating intentions.

As far as this situation, she's not a good match and she's certainly not the only woman on earth who's looking for what you're looking for. You'll have to diversify your dating approach to include other general relationship apps and real life opportunities.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses, stay involved with your place of worship and see if they have opportunities for singles to meet and interact or other social events that would bring you together with like-minded people.

This is the thing, my family have pride and a rep even if they found out I was on this app, my dad especially wouldn’t be too happy with me so the things you suggested are kinda out the picture

i think I should accept that I’ll just be on my own.
 

would u be stupid to still go on this theme park trip with her as last resort and see if I’m more affectionate towards her, if it changes anything?  

[introverted1]

2 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

would u be stupid to still go on this theme park trip with her as last resort and see if I’m more affectionate towards her, if it changes anything?  

This will be futile.

Please work on gaining confidence in yourself and what you have to offer so that users like this girl can't take advantage of you.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

This is the thing, my family have pride and a rep even if they found out I was on this app, my dad especially wouldn’t be too happy 

Does your family get involved in arranged marriages? How much choice do you have in it? For example you're on this matrimonial app, but not having any luck finding someone who's interested in or kind to you.

Ask your parents for ideas with regard to finding a wife if the matrimonial app you're using isn't coming up with viable matches.

[HBK123]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does your family get involved in arranged marriages? How much choice do you have in it? For example you're on this matrimonial app, but not having any luck finding someone who's interested in or kind to you.

Ask your parents for ideas with regard to finding a wife if the matrimonial app you're using isn't coming up with viable matches.

No, I’m at that age where they trust me to find someone myself, I mean they lost that trust a little when my last who I was suppose to marry and introduced to my family cheated on me and turned out to be a very horrible person

 

they would just advise going back home and finding someone there and keeping in the family if it was up to them 

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, HBK123 said:

I wish it was easier said than done. I feel evil just blocking and deleting everything 😞

I had booked tickets to go to a theme park (Alton towers) on Monday but I don’t think I want to go anymore.. it’s 2 and a half hours to go pick her up then 2 hours from her to theme park. I’d rather just lost the money I spent than go, I just feel so drained and as if I hit a dead end

Please don’t take her to Alton Towers. She really doesn’t deserve the (10 hours in total) car journey, never mind a day out at your expense. 
 

Take a friend, sibling, family member etc. Anyone but her. 
 

If this is not possible donate your tickets charitably, to two people who haven’t got the means to have a day out and who’d really appreciate it. A waste of money for you but at least they’ll be put to good use. 
 

Look there are loads of women in the U.K. looking for an eligible Muslim male of reproductive age who has good intentions. Know your value! 
 

At 29 you are still very young . Why are you pressurising yourself?
 

You’ll know when you meet the right one and this lady is not it. 
 

Don’t waste anymore time on her. 
 

 

[HBK123]

8 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Please don’t take her to Alton Towers. She really doesn’t deserve the (10 hours in total) car journey, never mind a day out at your expense. 
 

Take a friend, sibling, family member etc. Anyone but her. 
 

If this is not possible donate your tickets charitably, to two people who haven’t got the means to have a day out and who’d really appreciate it. A waste of money for you but at least they’ll be put to good use. 
 

Look there are loads of women in the U.K. looking for an eligible Muslim male of reproductive age who has good intentions. Know your value! 
 

At 29 you are still very young . Why are you pressurising yourself?
 

You’ll know when you meet the right one and this lady is not it. 
 

Don’t waste anymore time on her. 
 

 

Thank you

 

how would I go about giving these tickets to someone who’s never been before? 

[Calmandfocused]

Just now, HBK123 said:

Thank you

 

how would I go about giving these tickets to someone who’s never been before? 

How about the Mosque? Your local church? Someone you work with who’s struggling for money? Anyone really. 
 

btw something I meant to say in my last post: 

It’s great that you know lots people who have met and married their spouses at a very young age. 
 

However that doesn’t mean that you have to force yourself into a position where you’re flogging a dead horse. 
 

Also you’ve no idea whether these marriages were consensual, whether the two people are happy, or whether the marriages will last. 
 

You’re at an advantage where you have been given free choice to make your own dating/ marriage decisions without pressure. Use that freedom wisely and make choices/ decisions that are best for you.