Why shall I ( M29) do about her (F28)

[JTSW]

4 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

it hurts knowing I gave everything, every inch of my soul and heart and it still wasn’t good enough or enough for them to stay.. do girls really not like nice guys? 

You held on knowing she didn't plan on keeping you in her life.

That is the issue here and that's what I mean by learning to know when to walk away. 

Yes, girls love nice guys.

You just need to meet the right girl who knows how to appreciate you.

 

[HBK123]

1 minute ago, JTSW said:

You held on knowing she didn't plan on keeping you in her life.

That is the issue here and that's what I mean by learning to know when to walk away. 

Yes, girls love nice guys.

You just need to meet the right girl who knows how to appreciate you.

 

She lead me on though and I held on to that 😔 thing is I’m not even annoyed or have any ill feelings towards her, it’s all on me, I acknowledge that, something in me just wants to become very bitter and harsh but I just don’t have it in me

[JTSW]

4 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

She lead me on though and I held on to that

She didn't though.

She told you early on that she didn't want a relationship with you.

She told you that you were a 'temporary' person in her life.

But you still held on and kept giving her the 'benefit of the doubt'. 

[HBK123]

Just now, JTSW said:

She didn't though.

She told you early on that she didn't want a relationship with you.

She told you that you were a 'temporary' person in her life.

But you still held on and kept giving her the 'benefit of the doubt'. 

Yeah I understand but she did say she liked me, spoke about the future/marriage, she used to cuddle me in the car or at the cinemas herself, you just don’t do that with random people.. I’m fully convinced she felt somehing for me, when you know you just know and this isn’t me trying to make myself feel better, if anything it makes me feel worse, something keeps telling me she’ll be back but I know this time I need to be strong and stand my ground because I deserve better

[JTSW]

6 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

I know this time I need to be strong and stand my ground because I deserve better

You certainly do.

Be more vigilant when it comes to women.

[HBK123]

1 minute ago, JTSW said:

You certainly do.

Be more vigilant when it comes to women.

It’s like they’re all the same, my friend was saying to me last night this day and age it’s hard to find what I’m looking for because girls these day don’t want to commit and just want a fling mostly

Im not that type of guy, I just want someone loving and genuine 

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

my friend was saying to me last night this day and age it’s hard to find what I’m looking for because girls these day don’t want to commit and just want a fling mostly

That's BS.

Yeah some want a fling but not all.

There are women out there looking for a good man to settle down with.

A man that knows how to treat a woman right.

Don't give up because of one or two bad experiences.

[ExpatInItaly]

23 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

girls these day don’t want to commit and just want a fling mostly

Hogwash.

If that were true, this forum wouldn’t be full of women looking for advice about how to improve their relationships. 

Just as many women as men want commitment. The problem here is you were chasing after the wrong one. 

[Calmandfocused]

Agree 100% with Expat. 
 

You don’t buy chocolates, flowers, medicine, Starbucks etc and go and wait outside a woman’s house for 3 hours. 
 

When a woman tells you that she’s sick and doesn’t respond to your texts/ calls you go home. No exception. 
 

There were so many indicators in your update that she wanted you to leave and was blowing you off but you didn’t take the hint. I’m so sorry if that upsets you (not my intention) but it’s true. You really need to learn from this and understand that. 
 

Don’t take someone’s words as fact, look at their behaviour. Her real intentions were screaming at you but you ignored them. 
 

Please do not sit outside a woman’s house for 3 hours again. It’s a massive turn off as it comes across as needy and desperate. If you had any chance whatsoever with this lady you would have squashed your chances there and then, by that action alone. Not sexy! 
 

Don’t change who you are, instead look at what you’re doing. 
 

What impression do you think you’re giving of yourself by devaluing yourself in the way that you did? 

If a relationship is what you want you need to build your self respect and your self worth. 
 

Stop letting women treat you like that and commit to making better choices for yourself. 
 

I did say I wasn’t going to tell you where you went wrong but by reading your recent posts and the denial you exhibit, I think you need a helping hand here. 
 

Listen to Expat, she’s right. 

 

Edited May 3, 2023 by Calmandfocused

[HBK123]

21 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Agree 100% with Expat. 
 

You don’t buy chocolates, flowers, medicine, Starbucks etc and go and wait outside a woman’s house for 3 hours. 
 

When a woman tells you that she’s sick and doesn’t respond to your texts/ calls you go home. No exception. 
 

There were so many indicators in your update that she wanted you to leave and was blowing you off but you didn’t take the hint. I’m so sorry if that upsets you (not my intention) but it’s true. You really need to learn from this and understand that. 
 

Don’t take someone’s words as fact, look at their behaviour. Her real intentions were screaming at you but you ignored them. 
 

Please do not sit outside a woman’s house for 3 hours again. It’s a massive turn off as it comes across as needy and desperate. If you had any chance whatsoever with this lady you would have squashed your chances there and then, by that action alone. Not sexy! 
 

Don’t change who you are, instead look at what you’re doing. 
 

What impression do you think you’re giving of yourself by devaluing yourself in the way that you did? 

If a relationship is what you want you need to build your self respect and your self worth. 
 

Stop letting women treat you like that and commit to making better choices for yourself. 
 

I did say I wasn’t going to tell you where you went wrong but by reading your recent posts and the denial you exhibit, I think you need a helping hand here. 
 

Listen to Expat, she’s right. 

 

I get where your coming from, trust me I do but please understand from where I am too, I’m almost 3 hours away from home, got tickets in my hand ready to take her to theme park, I thought about driving off but I thought it was be rude and out of character for me, and that what if she calls me as soon I’m like on the motorway asking me where I am, I just at the time felt like if I drove off I’m letting her down 

And I don’t think she was trying to blow me off to get me to leave, the night before I asked her do you want me to go back home tonight and she’s the one who said she’ll see me in the morning and that we’ll go to the theme park as planned 

 

and when she eventually did get back to me on the day and realised I’m stil in the city she wanted to come out to me, I didn’t say come out to me, I said I’ve got flowers I’m just gonna put them on your front yard and leave brut she wanted to come out

[Versacehottie]

Ok, you have to learn from what you did wrong and right in this amusement park debacle. While being strung along and sort of last ditch attempt to see one another is understandable that you would want to do that. However, after she jerked you around on that specific day and you'd already wasted the time and money, you don't CONTINUE to persist with trying to help her with medicine and then when she finally is in touch, saying you just want to give her the flowers. It's melodramatic and not good for your self-esteem. From moment one when she jerked you around that morning, you turn around and drive home. If you trust that she is telling you the truth (i don't believe her but that's another issue), then she's sick and it's not a good time to do anything with her or get her to appreciate anything you do for her, especially in light of the previous circumstances and context of everything that has gone on between you.

I don't know if it helps you to keep rehashing the amusement park day. it's wallowing and rumination. You need forward motion...that doesn't involve her. 

You need to change your belief system about yourself and leave her in your rear view mirror. Take action today to move yourself forward. Not backward.

[Calmandfocused]

59 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

I get where your coming from, trust me I do but please understand from where I am too, I’m almost 3 hours away from home, got tickets in my hand ready to take her to theme park, I thought about driving off but I thought it was be rude and out of character for me, and that what if she calls me as soon I’m like on the motorway asking me where I am, I just at the time felt like if I drove off I’m letting her down 

And I don’t think she was trying to blow me off to get me to leave, the night before I asked her do you want me to go back home tonight and she’s the one who said she’ll see me in the morning and that we’ll go to the theme park as planned 

 

and when she eventually did get back to me on the day and realised I’m stil in the city she wanted to come out to me, I didn’t say come out to me, I said I’ve got flowers I’m just gonna put them on your front yard and leave brut she wanted to 

Excuses, rationalisations and justifications that are distracting you from the facts. 
 

Here’s a fact. No interested woman who is excited about a date will ignore her phone for 3 hours and not answer texts/ calls.  Doesn’t happen. 
 

You’ve said a few times that you waited 3 hours because you were afraid that she would call you when you were on the motorway and say “Hey, I’m ready for my date now”. Have I got that right? 
 

1) That wouldn’t have happened. 2) even if that scenerio had happened a self respecting, high value (and still good ) person would say one simple word: 

No!  
 

[HBK123]

In her last message when she said thank you for everything 

 

why did she say she was blessed to crossed paths with me in life and to have experienced a fraction of my love? Does it just mean I left a good imprint? 

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

In her last message when she said thank you for everything 

why did she say she was blessed to crossed paths with me in life and to have experienced a fraction of my love? Does it just mean I left a good imprint? 

It means she's polite.  All in all, we really have no idea what she's thinking.

[HBK123]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

It means she's polite.  All in all, we really have no idea what she's thinking.

And why was she jealous that my account was still active on the app on and wanted my login details for proof that I’m not talking to any one else? Surely that means somehing or am I just making it up in my head that she did like me but just would never admit or will eventually realise it 

 

two of my closest friends who I’ve told also told me that I need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve that I’m too nice for my own hood and that I should block and if I was to ever message or respond to her ever again they would be pissed off with me because I deserve better 

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

And why was she jealous that my account was still active on the app on and wanted my login details for proof that I’m not talking to any one else? Surely that means somehing or am I just making it up in my head that she did like me but just would never admit or will eventually realise it 

People's behaviour isn't always logical, so it's foolish to try and make sense of it.

The only thing which is of any importance is that she strung you along, using you for outings when she clearly had no intention of being your girlfriend.

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, HBK123 said:

In her last message when she said thank you for everything 

 

why did she say she was blessed to crossed paths with me in life and to have experienced a fraction of my love? Does it just mean I left a good imprint? 

why are you hanging onto this??? You are hanging onto to a word or two from an inconsistent person!!! at the most she has been consistent with her poor treatment of you--that is what you should focus on.

I know on some level you are trying to find meaning for what happened with her in total. But you have to look at what is best for YOU and sometimes there just isn't a logical explanation. Some stuff she did doesn't make sense at all and some stuff you did doesn't make logical sense. HOWEVER, we (which means you and us) can see the big picture the common theme, which is that she is not a good investment of your time and effort. That's all you need to know. Even if she did "like" you, she treats you like sh*t, so you should be deciding this isn't good enough for me. You shouldn't be frightened into that by whatever we say or your friends say, you need to feel that for yourself. Put some weight and action behind those words. Idk why you keep saying it as if it will change HER behavior...it's meant to change YOUR behavior, ie this isn't good enough for me, so I'm moving on. 

Doesn't mean it will be easy but you need to do it. 

Also I forgot to say, with as much time, effort and probably money as you put out of the amusement park day, it would be easy to just throw the flowers away. You have to be real with yourself that you are looking for ANY opportunity to be in contact with her, even if it is sort of a negative or pathetic one. This has to stop. On some level it is part of the reason where she is taking advantage of you. So stop doing it. You can't have contact with her. What are your intentions going forward? I don't think rehashing this is helping you at all.

[HBK123]

16 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

why are you hanging onto this??? You are hanging onto to a word or two from an inconsistent person!!! at the most she has been consistent with her poor treatment of you--that is what you should focus on.

I know on some level you are trying to find meaning for what happened with her in total. But you have to look at what is best for YOU and sometimes there just isn't a logical explanation. Some stuff she did doesn't make sense at all and some stuff you did doesn't make logical sense. HOWEVER, we (which means you and us) can see the big picture the common theme, which is that she is not a good investment of your time and effort. That's all you need to know. Even if she did "like" you, she treats you like sh*t, so you should be deciding this isn't good enough for me. You shouldn't be frightened into that by whatever we say or your friends say, you need to feel that for yourself. Put some weight and action behind those words. Idk why you keep saying it as if it will change HER behavior...it's meant to change YOUR behavior, ie this isn't good enough for me, so I'm moving on. 

Doesn't mean it will be easy but you need to do it. 

Also I forgot to say, with as much time, effort and probably money as you put out of the amusement park day, it would be easy to just throw the flowers away. You have to be real with yourself that you are looking for ANY opportunity to be in contact with her, even if it is sort of a negative or pathetic one. This has to stop. On some level it is part of the reason where she is taking advantage of you. So stop doing it. You can't have contact with her. What are your intentions going forward? I don't think rehashing this is helping you at all.

No you’re right.. I needed to hear this. After reflecting tonight I’ve come to my senses, I deserve better and I can get better, she didn’t deserve me at all. I’m better than this, and there’s better out there for me. I just put her on a pedestal for no reason at all. 
 

I thought if I can be this good towards the wrong person, imagine how I’d be towards the right one 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, HBK123 said:

 why did she say she was blessed to crossed paths with me in life and to have experienced a fraction of my love? Does it just mean I left a good imprint? 

It's a polite parting phrase. You were kind and attentive, but not a good match. Your focus should shift from trying to simply impress indifferent women to finding interested compatible women.

[JTSW]

7 hours ago, HBK123 said:

After reflecting tonight I’ve come to my senses, I deserve better and I can get better, she didn’t deserve me at all. I’m better than this, and there’s better out there for me. I just put her on a pedestal for no reason at all. 
 

I thought if I can be this good towards the wrong person, imagine how I’d be towards the right one 

Glad you are seeing sense here.

You have so much to offer and when the right girl comes along it'll be wonderful.

[Versacehottie]

14 hours ago, HBK123 said:

No you’re right.. I needed to hear this. After reflecting tonight I’ve come to my senses, I deserve better and I can get better, she didn’t deserve me at all. I’m better than this, and there’s better out there for me. I just put her on a pedestal for no reason at all. 
 

I thought if I can be this good towards the wrong person, imagine how I’d be towards the right one 

I'd say you should take the bolded off the table for a bit. That's what you do maybe later when you are IN a relationship. You seem to be giving "boyfriend" before you are one. So dial it back a lot. You have to meet people where they are and be more balanced in your pace being in step with theirs. I would say you need to stop focusing on what you can DO or give to potential girlfriends...which seems to be a sign of trying too hard, trying to win them over with this outside stuff and frankly to make up for the fact that you don't have self-belief. I think you are nice enough on the spectrum of nice that it won't be a problem if you hold back on that stuff a bit. It transmits a message IMMEDIATELY when a person tries too hard that their worth as a potential boyfriend isn't so great otherwise why is he trying so hard--because it is outsized to the level where you are right then and there or to what the person is giving you. Try to match the person's energy, what they are doing for you. 

Anyway what the bolded indicates in terms of "moving forward" and on to the next is good--IF you mean it and stay dedicated to leaving this behind. I haven't seen enough evidence yet. It needs to be backed by your actions, not just an in-the-moment emotional statement. I think you absolutely should work on your self-esteem so you will be ready when the next person comes along. It's not the "obtaining" a girlfriend that will give you what you are seeking.  You need to have that self-worth on your own regardless of whether you have a girlfriend. Not look to "getting a girlfriend" to give you worth. See the difference? Not to mention, it will make attracting people to you easier when you actually have self-worth and self-belief. The doing/giving thing you do is sort of an overcompensation--as well as telegraphing--how poorly you believe in yourself. 

I'd say you put her on a pedestal for your OWN reasons not that there were merited reasons happening in the present by what she was showing you. That's how I would characterize that. BTW, I'm sort of harping on all this stuff so you know what you need to work on so you are ready when the next person comes along as well as enjoy life while there is not a person there. The story you tell yourself matters...so how you characterize what happened, and how you are going to move forward, etc all matter in how you process this, process the aftermath and think about yourself, as well as enter new potential relationships. Basically you are not "no one" without a girlfriend but it's more than just me--or you--saying that. You have to start living like that. It will take action and changing your thought patterns. I'm also harping on it because people's thoughts here expose their thought patterns and I'm pretty sure you aren't there yet, even if you have moments of bravado. Your thoughts expose your perspective, the narrative going on in your head etc and so they show how you will likely handle the aftermath and approach the next flirtation, potential relationship. So this kernel of a thought above is just the first step and needs a decent amount of work. Ok please do it. It will actually make you feel great, get better results and I'm sure you will actually enjoy some of it. I don't even think therapy is a bad idea but you can start with some self-help books. I think IG and podcasts are sort of hit & miss. The format is a little fluffy or too brief to make impact and might even confuse you in this journey where you would end up doing knee jerk reactions and we don't need any more of those   Ok good luck