Why shall I ( M29) do about her (F28)

[HBK123]

3 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

How about the Mosque? Your local church? Someone you work with who’s struggling for money? Anyone really. 
 

btw something I meant to say in my last post: 

It’s great that you know lots people who have met and married their spouses at a very young age. 
 

However that doesn’t mean that you have to force yourself into a position where you’re flogging a dead horse. 
 

Also you’ve no idea whether these marriages were consensual, whether the two people are happy, or whether the marriages will last. 
 

You’re at an advantage where you have been given free choice to make your own dating/ marriage decisions without pressure. Use that freedom wisely and make choices/ decisions that are best for you. 

I do have pressure from my family, my dad always says to me I’m late and that I should have kids by now which I think is true but it wasn’t written for me so what can I do

you know what hurts me the most, I’ve never wrong anyone in my life, I’ve never touched alcohol, drugs, ciggerettes or even a hookah pipe ever in my life, I treat everyone with so much love and respect whether I know you or whether your soemone new to me. It’s just who I am as a person and knowing this and knowing I’m not enough for this girl or my last relationship, it really breaks my heart. 
 

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, HBK123 said:

This is the thing, my family have pride and a rep even if they found out I was on this app, my dad especially wouldn’t be too happy with me so the things you suggested are kinda out the picture

i think I should accept that I’ll just be on my own.
 

would u be stupid to still go on this theme park trip with her as last resort and see if I’m more affectionate towards her, if it changes anything?  

Focus closer to where you live. Meeting someone 2+ hrs away will be hard to explain away. Meeting someone 30 min from you can be explained away.

 

and online dating has been going on for years. Those who met the old fashioned way don’t understand.

 

use online dating as a way to find people but start dating early in it.

old fashioned dating was you knew someone from school, from church, your neighborhood, who you interacted with socially.  You might meet people through college or social groups into your early 20s before real life/ career starts.  Thenthose who didn’t get married by 25 had problems getting married.

now many are delaying marriage till after their career starts, this skews in larger metro areas vs small towns.  It’s harder to meet people who are also single. Many won’t date co workers so work is out as a channel to date.  With everyone having lives it’s much harder to meet singles which is why dating apps help.

 

you should know by date 4 if there is romantic interest and it’s no5 just being nice.  One way is how much are they initiating the conversation ( replying to a text doesn’t count nor is returning a phone call ). Try to get thrm to suggest a date or interest in doing something.

[Veryconfused004]

I’m very much like you in that I get very attached quickly, I have a similar past with getting cheated on and it definitely changed me and still affects me in new relationships. I think this girl though you just need to accept that she isn’t it, it’ll hurt for a few days but then you’ll get over it, take your time with meeting people there really is no rush because when you find someone that is great for you it’ll be worth the wait. You will eventually find someone good that you really like and enjoy and just specify what you’re looking for when you’re on apps to avoid the people that just want to hookup.

[HBK123]

12 minutes ago, Veryconfused004 said:

I’m very much like you in that I get very attached quickly, I have a similar past with getting cheated on and it definitely changed me and still affects me in new relationships. I think this girl though you just need to accept that she isn’t it, it’ll hurt for a few days but then you’ll get over it, take your time with meeting people there really is no rush because when you find someone that is great for you it’ll be worth the wait. You will eventually find someone good that you really like and enjoy and just specify what you’re looking for when you’re on apps to avoid the people that just want to hookup.

Yeah  it’s been 3 years and I still struggle, I took 3 years out, didn’t date or anything because it affected me that badly, broke me as a man. Like you, it stills affects me on a daily basis, makes you feel worthless, when you gave it all your all, treated them like a queen, never once treated them badly and it wasn’t enough still 

[Veryconfused004]

6 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

Yeah  it’s been 3 years and I still struggle, I took 3 years out, didn’t date or anything because it affected me that badly, broke me as a man. Like you, it stills affects me on a daily basis, makes you feel worthless, when you gave it all your all, treated them like a queen, never once treated them badly and it wasn’t enough still 

Don’t look at it as it not being enough. That type of person will cheat regardless. It wasn’t necessarily anything you did wrong. I had in depth talks with my ex months after she cheated on me on why she did it and all that and what I think it was in my case is that my ex had some mental issues that were not taken care of and cheating was a result of it. You just have to understand that it isn’t your fault and there are plenty of good people out there. The more you date the more likely you’ll find someone you connect with. I never thought I’d find someone as much like my ex (in the qualities I loved about her) but I eventually did. I still overthink sometimes and have doubts because of the past trauma but I’ve been getting better with it as more time passes and the more trust I build with my new gf. I’ve noticed I really struggle when my new gf tells me things like “I’ll never leave you” “you’re perfect for me” “I can’t wait for our future together” “I need you in my life” because I’ve heard all of those things from my ex before and it ended up being broken with cheating.

[HBK123]

Just now, Veryconfused004 said:

Don’t look at it as it not being enough. That type of person will cheat regardless. It wasn’t necessarily anything you did wrong. I had in depth talks with my ex months after she cheated on me on why she did it and all that and what I think it was in my case is that my ex had some mental issues that were not taken care of and cheating was a result of it. You just have to understand that it isn’t your fault and there are plenty of good people out there. The more you date the more likely you’ll find someone you connect with. I never thought I’d find someone as much like my ex (in the qualities I loved about her) but I eventually did. I still overthink sometimes and have doubts because of the past trauma but I’ve been getting better with it as more time passes and the more trust I build with my new gf. I’ve noticed I really struggle when my new gf tells me things like “I’ll never leave you” “you’re perfect for me” “I can’t wait for our future together” “I need you in my life” because I’ve heard all of those things from my ex before and it ended up being broken with cheating.

You know I thought the same about my ex, she was divorced before she met me so I stuck by her and supported every day especially when she was getting therapy but I always thought to myself somethings not right with her and I feel like her family knew but never told me, they’d always say to her infront of me, don’t mess this up you got something good here. 
 

yeah exactly words don’t mean much to me anymore either, I rather see action and being shown that way how much I mean to them. 
 

ugh this sucks, I just feel so depressed

 

[Veryconfused004]

10 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

You know I thought the same about my ex, she was divorced before she met me so I stuck by her and supported every day especially when she was getting therapy but I always thought to myself somethings not right with her and I feel like her family knew but never told me, they’d always say to her infront of me, don’t mess this up you got something good here. 
 

yeah exactly words don’t mean much to me anymore either, I rather see action and being shown that way how much I mean to them. 
 

ugh this sucks, I just feel so depressed

 

Just let go of this girl and get yourself back out there and meet new people.

[HBK123]

1 minute ago, Veryconfused004 said:

Just let go of this girl and get yourself back out there and meet new people.

  I don’t think I’ve got anything left in me anymore

I’m just tired, just really really tired 

[Veryconfused004]

11 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

  I don’t think I’ve got anything left in me anymore

I’m just tired, just really really tired 

You can do it, it’ll help you to meet new people.

[ShyViolet]

I know you say you have low self-esteem but you don't keep hanging out with someone who has straight out told you she doesn't like you, is not attracted to you and doesn't want to be with you.  You need to take responsibility for your actions.  The minute she told you in the beginning that she didn't like you or wasn't attracted to you, that should have been where your interactions with her ended.  This is not emotionally mature behavior on your part.  I suggest you get into therapy before you attempt to date again.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, HBK123 said:

I do have pressure from my family, my dad always says to me I’m late and that I should have kids by now.

Ok. Then the sooner you cut your losses with this uninterested woman, the better. That way when you feel up to it, you can resume your search for a suitable wife. Take your time and don't settle for women who treat you like this.

[ExpatInItaly]

23 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

The minute she told you in the beginning that she didn't like you or wasn't attracted to you, that should have been where your interactions with her ended.  This is not emotionally mature behavior on your part.

I have to agree there. 

OP, you have got to realize that you can't force a relationship when someone just doesn't feel the same way about you. Don't stick around to repeatedly bang your head into a brick wall. 

[Calmandfocused]

You sound like a really nice man op. And honourable. Don’t change that. 
 

Unfortunately matters involving the heart cannot be set by a clock. It happens when it happens. Faith/ age/ family expectations doesn’t make it happen any quicker. 
 

Keep being who you are and only offer your time/ attention to ladies who invest in you too. This way you won’t waste any time with unsuitables. 
 

I understand what it’s like to want to please your father. I remember when I was 20, my dad told me that I needed to make a choice between aspiring to be a wife and mother or having a high flying career. 
 

I chose both and I got both even though I didn’t have children until my 30s. 
 

He’s not disappointed in me in the slightest. And your father won’t be either. He’ll quickly forget that you “married late” when you find the perfect woman for you. 
 

Don’t rush it just for the sake of it. 

[HBK123]

3 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

You sound like a really nice man op. And honourable. Don’t change that. 
 

Unfortunately matters involving the heart cannot be set by a clock. It happens when it happens. Faith/ age/ family expectations doesn’t make it happen any quicker. 
 

Keep being who you are and only offer your time/ attention to ladies who invest in you too. This way you won’t waste any time with unsuitables. 
 

I understand what it’s like to want to please your father. I remember when I was 20, my dad told me that I needed to make a choice between aspiring to be a wife and mother or having a high flying career. 
 

I chose both and I got both even though I didn’t have children until my 30s. 
 

He’s not disappointed in me in the slightest. And your father won’t be either. He’ll quickly forget that you “married late” when you find the perfect woman for you. 
 

Don’t rush it just for the sake of it. 

Thank you, really, I needed to hear this 

I’m just trying to build the courage to delete her number and off my socials without any explanation because I don’t think she deserves one, heck I doubt she’ll even care or notice that I’m gone 

[HBK123]

Ok I’ve done it, I deserve better 😞 I just wish I never came across these people in my life 

[CollinW]

You can't win over someone who's not into you. You're doing the male equivalent of a woman sleeping with a man hoping hell fall in love one day. 

Nope, that time just reinforces the reasons why they don't want you in the first place. 

What's even worse it doesn't sound like she has done a single thing to invest into what's going on right now. Just having the time of her life while you do literally all the work.

People are handling you with kids gloves, this is a terrible, very apparent situation you put yourself in. 

 

[Versacehottie]

Maybe she finally feels bad for what's she's done to you...and that is the reason for the distance... I'm being sarcastic but real. 

It doesn't make too much sense to make her the bad guy and you the victim when the most important thing is that you NOW have enough information gathered about her and a prospective relationship with her to make YOUR decision with confidence.  And while it can be hard to accept (which is probably why you keep doing MORE to try to win her over), this just isn't a feasible or balanced or good relationship for you to pursue. But you have to accept it and move on. 

Then I would immediately put effort into figuring out why this is a consistent pattern for you and what you need to do in life to change that. If you start believing and acting like you are ENOUGH, then your dating (and life) results will bear that out. Not always, of course, but much more than they have been and you won't be chasing after a person who is never going to be "your" person.  As soon as it's unbalanced, that is the kiss of death---prolonging the inevitable. I'd say as soon as she told you she's not attracted to you, a guy with healthy self-esteem would move on rather than try harder. Try to get to THAT place mentally. Good luck

[HBK123]

One thing I don’t understand is why would she let me hold her whilst walking or whilst I’m driving, or give her kisses on the cheek and forehead. 
 

when asked about when I can kiss her properly she said she’ll decide the time and place for that 😕 lol so I respected her decision and never pushed my luck 

[Versacehottie]

Why the "sad" face/reply?  Honestly, let this serve as a wakeup call for yourself. Throughout this thread (which I just skimmed to be fair), I've noticed you make some self-assessments and self-reflection.. That only has value truly if you are willing to act on it and learn/change. It won't necessarily be easy but her jerking you around while not comfortable or with a positive result, has value IF it forces your hand to change up some things in your life. 

Do you see any lies in this^^^?

Maybe if you can be successful in your personal growth you will look back on this "unfortunate" event of meeting/knowing her as a turning point for you? I would strive to make that your reality.

I don't want to hear you turning yourself into a victim (some of that in this thread) or feeling sorry for yourself or putting a bleak (or impossible) outlook onto your future....From there you will not usually/rarely find solutions or the positive outlook you need to attract someone to you. Life is how we interpret what happens to us--so put a good spin on it or use it as a catalyst to change some things in yourself and/or accept yourself as you are with confidence and decide that she isn't good enough for YOU.

If you don't have energy and feeling low, you might have to set aside dating for a little bit but you can still work on yourself and how you relate to the world. You need to change your self-talk and how you are forming your thoughts. I could go back through this thread and point out some examples of where you could convey a similar thought but with an openness that will allow you to move forward in a healthy way and not diminish all hope. Work on that.

[HBK123]

9 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Why the "sad" face/reply?  Honestly, let this serve as a wakeup call for yourself. Throughout this thread (which I just skimmed to be fair), I've noticed you make some self-assessments and self-reflection.. That only has value truly if you are willing to act on it and learn/change. It won't necessarily be easy but her jerking you around while not comfortable or with a positive result, has value IF it forces your hand to change up some things in your life. 

Do you see any lies in this^^^?

Maybe if you can be successful in your personal growth you will look back on this "unfortunate" event of meeting/knowing her as a turning point for you? I would strive to make that your reality.

I don't want to hear you turning yourself into a victim (some of that in this thread) or feeling sorry for yourself or putting a bleak (or impossible) outlook onto your future....From there you will not usually/rarely find solutions or the positive outlook you need to attract someone to you. Life is how we interpret what happens to us--so put a good spin on it or use it as a catalyst to change some things in yourself and/or accept yourself as you are with confidence and decide that she isn't good enough for YOU.

If you don't have energy and feeling low, you might have to set aside dating for a little bit but you can still work on yourself and how you relate to the world. You need to change your self-talk and how you are forming your thoughts. I could go back through this thread and point out some examples of where you could convey a similar thought but with an openness that will allow you to move forward in a healthy way and not diminish all hope. Work on that.

Thank you for your message and for your time

this is one thing that bothers me is that if I speak to anyone about this, they’d sometimes think it’s a victims mentality when it isn’t, how else is one meant to express his feelings and ask for help if he or she will always be seen as playing the victim 

Everything I’ve said has been the truth, not super coated or exaggerated or to make myself look good

I’ll be honest after my last relationship I took 3 years out, I can’t afford to waste anymore time, I know it’s going to be really really tough for me but I need to not let this situation I’m talking to you today about knock me down, 

despite everything I’ve been through, I’ve always been me, I’ve never stopped their level or changed, I think I’m a lot stronger than I think 

[HBK123]

Just want to say thank you to everyone who responded to this thread, means a lot. 

[HBK123]

She’s just messaged me randomly, apologising for being harsh towards me for no reason 

do I ignore? 

Edited April 29, 2023 by HBK123

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

She’s just messaged me randomly, apologising for being harsh towards me for no reason 

do I ignore? 

Use this opportunity to say "thank you, but we're not a good match". That way you can move forward in peace.

[HBK123]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Use this opportunity to say "thank you, but we're not a good match". That way you can move forward in peace.

Lol she asked me if we’re still going to the theme park on Monday I said I’m happy for her to go with her or someone and that I no longer wanna be somewhere I’m not wanted 

[Versacehottie]

7 hours ago, HBK123 said:

Thank you for your message and for your time

this is one thing that bothers me is that if I speak to anyone about this, they’d sometimes think it’s a victims mentality when it isn’t, how else is one meant to express his feelings and ask for help if he or she will always be seen as playing the victim 

Everything I’ve said has been the truth, not super coated or exaggerated or to make myself look good

I’ll be honest after my last relationship I took 3 years out, I can’t afford to waste anymore time, I know it’s going to be really really tough for me but I need to not let this situation I’m talking to you today about knock me down, 

despite everything I’ve been through, I’ve always been me, I’ve never stopped their level or changed, I think I’m a lot stronger than I think 

Thank you😊

I think there are elements where there is "victim" wording in what you've written here. I think there is a difference between being sad or disappointed and how you characterize your thoughts of who you are/what happens to you/what your future prospects are.  If I am pointing out that difference, can you apply it to how you characterize this current disappointment with her? Basically the idea is wanting to avoid (mentally) the idea that what happens to you (especially that which is controlled by other people such as her interest in dating you) is a reflection of your true character or who you are as well as a reflection on ALL of your future prospects. Basically, when people have hopeless or victim thoughts they are pervasive and permanent.  When it is just disappointment or sadness, a healthy mentality is to just CONTAIN it in a way to THAT specific person/situation, HER opinion of you (not the truth about you) and THAT moment in time (vs ALL moments in time/the future). So try to change your thought processes to more helpful statements (in your head and accordingly they will change with what you write here or convey to others). It should help a lot.

Ok, that said, I wouldn't expect your friends or family to necessarily interpret even you expressing genuine disappointment without a trace of victim mentality in a perfectly accurate way. Sometimes laypeople just hear and see it like a characterization...especially if you have expressed things in a victim type of way or pervasive way over a significant period of time. I think your objective when expressing yourself is to move the needle some into more healthy territory. BUT with lots and lots of people, really they are going to "see it as such" when it's reflective in your actions and results. This doesn't mean you have to show up tomorrow with a loving girlfriend BUT if you show up as a happy guy who's not that bothered and knows he deserves more AND WILL FIND IT, that's a step in the right direction. Generally I think pick one or two trusted confidants and don't really speak on it too much with anyone besides those confidants.. Look at it like this: your life is what you choose to focus on..if you focus on needing to dwell in the hurt or take time out of dating, etc, then that is what your life becomes. Also if you start to see yourself in a certain light, life will usually 'show up" with evidence that backs up and reinforces what you think. So if you think you have difficulty dating: it will be reflected in your outcomes a lot of the time...and when it isn't like you have some good fortune or a girl you feel a spark with, you will hold on too tight and over invest, just like you did here with her. Conversely, if you think you can handle what life throws your way and that YOU are not going to have a problem with a partner and also that YOU are the chooser rather than waiting to be chosen, it will be more reflected in your results. It will shore up your self-esteem and that tends to attract people to you. Usually when someone is taking advantage of you (like she appears to be doing), it can boil down to self-esteem stuff you need to work on. 

I think while there is truth to seeing "reality" as you put it as reality--there usually is still a "spin" on it that can be either helpful or unhelpful. Which will you choose to make it?  I think being super factual and not really editorialize with a character teardown on yourself is the way to go. Re-phrase what is going on in your head: like switch it to something like, "I was initially disappointed that things didn't work out with xyz; however, I learned many things during these dates with her that make me sure she is not a great match for me; I also learned things about myself during this experience that I can work on for future dating".  See how you keep the thoughts specific and experience-related as well where in the story you are telling yourself, you are making yourself the protagonist where you are still the CHOOSER of the path of your life and have control over your future and see the experience itself for the positive value it has given you (learning in this case vs a relationship with her). I could probably keep going but this is the general idea.  I like the last statement I bolded in your quote above. While it's good/great, I think it will help you additionally to take from that general overall, more vague statement about your strength (which is great on lots of levels) to apply it and get specificity out of it. For the most part the statement is wonderful, though I think you'd want to be careful about the melancholy behind it. I say that mostly because you want to be able to take the good feelings you have about yourself to an ACTION place rather than get stuck when the thought is: 

"I think I’m a lot stronger than I think" and then there is the subsequent, underlying thought which is but "why doesn't anyone ever notice or why am I not rewarded for my strength"...I think if you can make it specific with concrete examples and applications in life moving forward it will help you. Like LIVE "I'm stronger than I realized" "I'm stronger than others realize" in daily life moving forward. What would that look like? I think reaching out to tell her the amusement park is off is a great application of that. It's proactive and forward moving where YOU are the chooser, not passive, waiting for her to choose you. 

I sort of think you should tell her honestly that you aren't interested in dating her and a short explanation why. I'm a little nervous for you though--not sure if you OPEN the discussion to tell her probably with very little experience at doing so and being vulnerable and into this girl if you won't roll over if she tries to get her foot back in the door. I'm not sure why she still wants to go to the amusement park together when she doesn't want to date you and has told you so. Maybe she feels obligated to play this game if she is particularly sheltered. Idk, did you say 15 dates? Sorry, man that is enough! It's not even a judgement on the culture or her being sheltered, you just deserve more certainty than this and her behavior is immature and it's not a good investment for you. So I think you should not open the door back up to her. The value of speaking up honestly is for you and your growth. I just don't want it to backfire on you, ie that you aren't quite ready to handle a talk like this or if you feel re-invested or if she checkmates you, bro!! Lol right now she's feeling a little sneaky and game-playing TBH. So I'd pretty much expect that.

Ok good luck 

Edited April 30, 2023 by Versacehottie