Why shall I ( M29) do about her (F28)

[HBK123]

9 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Thank you😊

I think there are elements where there is "victim" wording in what you've written here. I think there is a difference between being sad or disappointed and how you characterize your thoughts of who you are/what happens to you/what your future prospects are.  If I am pointing out that difference, can you apply it to how you characterize this current disappointment with her? Basically the idea is wanting to avoid (mentally) the idea that what happens to you (especially that which is controlled by other people such as her interest in dating you) is a reflection of your true character or who you are as well as a reflection on ALL of your future prospects. Basically, when people have hopeless or victim thoughts they are pervasive and permanent.  When it is just disappointment or sadness, a healthy mentality is to just CONTAIN it in a way to THAT specific person/situation, HER opinion of you (not the truth about you) and THAT moment in time (vs ALL moments in time/the future). So try to change your thought processes to more helpful statements (in your head and accordingly they will change with what you write here or convey to others). It should help a lot.

Ok, that said, I wouldn't expect your friends or family to necessarily interpret even you expressing genuine disappointment without a trace of victim mentality in a perfectly accurate way. Sometimes laypeople just hear and see it like a characterization...especially if you have expressed things in a victim type of way or pervasive way over a significant period of time. I think your objective when expressing yourself is to move the needle some into more healthy territory. BUT with lots and lots of people, really they are going to "see it as such" when it's reflective in your actions and results. This doesn't mean you have to show up tomorrow with a loving girlfriend BUT if you show up as a happy guy who's not that bothered and knows he deserves more AND WILL FIND IT, that's a step in the right direction. Generally I think pick one or two trusted confidants and don't really speak on it too much. Look at it like this: your life is what you choose to focus on..if you focus on needing to dwell in the hurt or take time out of dating, etc, then that is what your life becomes. Also if you start to see yourself in a certain light, life will usually 'show up" with evidence that backs up and reinforces what you think. So if you think you have difficulty dating: it will be reflected in your outcomes a lot of the time...and when it isn't like you have some good fortune or a girl you feel a spark with, you will hold on too tight and over invest, just like you did here with her. Conversely, if you think you can handle what life throws your way and that YOU are not going to have a problem with a partner and also that YOU are the chooser rather than waiting to be chosen, it will be more reflected in your results. It will shore up your self-esteem and that tends to attract people to you. Usually when someone is taking advantage of you (like she appears to be doing), it can boil down to self-esteem stuff you need to work on. 

I think while there is truth to seeing "reality" as you put it as reality--there usually is still a "spin" on it that can be either helpful or unhelpful. Which will you choose to make it?  I think being super factual and not really editorialize with a character teardown on yourself is the way to go. Re-phrase what is going on in your head: like switch it to something like, "I was initially disappointed that things didn't work out with xyz; however, I learned many things during these dates with her that make me sure she is not a great match for me; I also learned things about myself during this experience that I can work on for future dating".  See how you keep the thoughts specific and experience-related as well where in the story you are telling yourself, you are making yourself the protagonist where you are still the CHOOSER of the path of your life and have control over your future and see the experience itself for the positive value it has given you (learning in this case vs a relationship with her). I could probably keep going but this is the general idea.  I like the last statement I bolded in your quote above. While it's good/great, I think it will help you additionally to take from that general overall, more vague statement about your strength (which is great on lots of levels) to apply it and get specificity out of it. For the most part the statement is wonderful, though I think you'd want to be careful about the melancholy behind it. I say that mostly because you want to be able to take the good feelings you have about yourself to an ACTION place rather than get stuck when the thought is: 

"I think I’m a lot stronger than I think" and then there is the subsequent, underlying thought which is but "why doesn't anyone ever notice or why am I not rewarded for my strength"...I think if you can make it specific with concrete examples and applications in life moving forward it will help you. Like LIVE "I'm stronger than I realized" "I'm stronger than others realize" in daily life moving forward. What would that look like? I think reaching out to tell her the amusement park is off is a great application of that. It's proactive and forward moving where YOU are the chooser, not passive, waiting for her to choose you. 

I sort of think you should tell her honestly that you aren't interested in dating her and a short explanation why. I'm a little nervous for you though--not sure if you OPEN the discussion to tell her probably with very little experience at doing so and being vulnerable and into this girl if you won't roll over if she tries to get her foot back in the door. I'm not sure why she still wants to go to the amusement park together when she doesn't want to date you and has told you so. Maybe she feels obligated to play this game if she is particularly sheltered. Idk, did you say 15 dates? Sorry, man that is enough! It's not even a judgement on the culture or her being sheltered, you just deserve more certainty than this and her behavior is immature and it's not a good investment for you. So I think you should not open the door back up to her. The value of speaking up honestly is for you and your growth. I just don't want it to backfire on you, ie that you aren't quite ready to handle a talk like this or if you feel re-invested or if she checkmates you, bro!! Lol right now she's feeling a little sneaky and game-playing TBH. So I'd pretty much expect that.

Ok good luck 

Honestly appreciate all that  you’re right 

I’ve just been speaking to her and I’ve told her that I’m going to tell my family (who are dying to meet her) that it’s off and that we aren’t going to purse things and that I deserve better 

she ignored me then said after a while then said ok it’s your decision 

I said no… you said you didn’t want to make it official with me so it’s your decision not mine

then she quoted where I said I’m gonna tell my fam in the morning and said it’s your decision lol 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

then she quoted where I said I’m gonna tell my fam in the morning and said it’s your decision lol 

Maybe it's time to delete and block her, now that you've decided it's not viable.

[ExpatInItaly]

This back-and-forth with her about meeting your family is pointless, OP. 

You aren't actually dating her and she isn't into you that way. It would have been senseless to try to introduce her to them anyway. Try not to get too far ahead of yourself in the future. There was just not enough to work with here to even consider having your family meet her. 

Stop all contact now. 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, HBK123 said:

I said no… you said you didn’t want to make it official with me so it’s your decision not mine

No no no.   It was your decision to end this.  It was a good decision and you should own it.   

Being a dumper shows that you are strong.  It shows that you have boundaries.  It shows that you won't settle for less than you deserve.  

[Versacehottie]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

No no no.   It was your decision to end this.  It was a good decision and you should own it.   

Being a dumper shows that you are strong.  It shows that you have boundaries.  It shows that you won't settle for less than you deserve.  

Exactly....

This is sort of what I was worried about, OP, is that you are going to stumble some if you took it upon yourself to talk to her. I'd say that the content of your back and forth with her about whose decision it was is a form of staying connected, and trying to provoke a reaction or make her feel guilty...All of that is sort of PASSIVE rather than YOU CHOOSING to end this. Do you think that people who are successful in all avenues of life, including dating, have it easy all the time? Or do you think it's possible that they also are faced with difficult or uncomfortable decisions where perhaps you are choosing to let someone go without exactly knowing who/what will be in your future?  The key is to take your decision-making power back--not to outsource it to someone else...It's this exact outsourcing that is both the source of a poor dating record as well as your sadness surrounding your results. The first step has to be to TAKE BACK YOUR DECISION-MAKING POWER. You have to think of yourself as the creator of your own life. If you own your decisions, you will feel much more empowered. And become more magnetic. Boundaries will help others (and yourself!) see your worth. 

It's ok that it went clunky/awkward with her. Not the best but you are "learning" so take basil's comments, my comments about the lessons to learn on this specific thing this am. If you sort of did it (consciously or unconsciously) as a guilt-provoking thing toward her, you won't feel finished. It will linger unresolved. Because the real purpose of having commented like that is unaddressed and unfinished (ie trying to get a reaction from her or make her feel guilty, ie you will feel unsatisfied until you know if/if not she's been affected). So immediately you need to reframe the experience in your head and how you explain it to yourself. You can even acknowledge that you "misspoke" in your words toward her but that you are working on speaking up in general and will be able to fine tune it as you get more comfortable (with others, not this same person). Then tell yourself that you CHOSE to end it in reality because you saw things from her that you now understand would not make her a good partner for you. (which you even mentioned in this thread quite honestly).  You can acknowledge that she also did not agree to a relationship but the more important part is that YOU realize it's not for you. And it is your choice, even if you came to the realization later than she did. The basis for any partnership is that someone wants to be with you. That's a basic. You had enough information at this point to know that it wasn't a matter of "convincing" her anymore; it just wasn't there. AND in the course of exploring that, you also learned things about her that wouldn't make her a good partner for you. Just the basics that I can see: immaturity, reluctance to speak up honestly, lack of affection, no reassurance from her, jerking you around, playing games.  Those are no go's for most people. And I'm sure you noticed more specifics to her but the character or chemistry isn't there and you deserve better. You don't necessarily TELL the person you deserve better but you draw a boundary, ie I'm not continuing this and then go out and get better. It is so far removed telling her or your family that you deserve better--I guess it's sort of ok but I think you might be missing the point on that part. 

Ok no one does this sh*t perfectly but I agree with basil you MUST change the narrative about whose decision this was

[ShyViolet]

13 hours ago, HBK123 said:

I said no… you said you didn’t want to make it official with me so it’s your decision not mine

 

It shouldn't be "her decision."  You need to stop acting like a victim in all this who has no control over your own life.  It's your decision to put an end to this, right?  So make that decision clear once and for all, stop all this back-and-forth with her.

[JTSW]

On 4/29/2023 at 12:02 PM, HBK123 said:

she said she cares for me as much as she cares for a work colleague and that at the moment im just a temporary person in her life  

Woah, what a punch in the face!

Don't spend another second on this girl.

She has been using you because of everything you have done for her but plans on dropping you when someone better comes along.

Dude, don't say anything to her. Just block and delete her everywhere.

You really need to wake up and realise you deserve better.

[HBK123]

I know you guys won’t be happy with me and I’m sorry for failing miserably

when she asked me if we’re still going to theme park on Monday, something in me just wanted to give it one more chance

I went on Sunday to her city, took her to watch a movie she wanted to watch at the cinemas and to a restaurant she’s been wanting to go to then we went to a reservoir and chilled for a bit, it was actually nice… until her friend text her sending her a screenshot of my profile still on the dating app.. I said it’s just active but I’m not on it., I deleted the app, I offered her my phone to go through it and everything but she didn’t want to, she just wanted me to take her home

i dropped her off, went back to my hotel, she reached out to me and said she was disappointed in me, I said I’ve done nothing wrong, I offered my phone, my login details, I swore on God, I don’t know what else to do 

eventually she decided to believe me and said she’ll come to theme park in the morning with me and that if she feels uncomfortable that I just promise to drop her off which I was happy to do but I said I promise I’ll make sure you have a good day and said pls be ready for 8am as it takes 2 hours to get there 

 

Next morning, 7am ish, I WhatsApp her asking if she’s awake, she is but says she feels a bit sick from the pasta we had the day before I said I’ll bring her medicine before I get to hers and told her I’ll give her more time

i reach outside her house at 8:20 with roses, chocolates, Starbucks etc and medicine

It’s past 11am now, almost 3 hours.. I’ve been sat in my car.. yes I know I’m an idiot., waiting for her, she hasn’t answer my calls or texts, eventually around half 11, she messages saying she’s only just looked at her phone I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she might have dozed off but she said she wasn’t asleep which made me feel worse, she knew I was coming to pick her up and that I had planned to take her to the theme park, tickets purchased and everything 

for the first time I was really annoyed, I didn’t say anything to her but I said there’s no point going now we won’t get there until 1pm and it shuts at 4pm, we’ll probably get 2/3 rides, she replies I’m sorry you feel that way

I ignored for a bit, still in the car outside hers.. I rang her and said can you come out side so I can give you these flowers so I can go back home 

she’s like you still here? Ok I’m coming out

so After another 15/20 mins, she comes into my car and we drive somewhere away from her house 

 

she can tell by my face I’m annoyed and upset but she was like you should know automatically if I said my stomach hurts that plans are cancelled I’m like no how am I suppose to know that? I literally said I’m bringing you medicine then I’ll give you bit extra time to get ready and rest then shes like these things happen in relationships/marriages 
 

we spoke for like an hour, she kept saying she can’t give me what I want as she’s not ready for a relationship and that it’s not me, and that this applies to everyone 

 

I was thinking to myself why did she pop up to me on the app then, and let me drive 100+ hours on the motorway to see her, spend so much on her, doing stuff, eating out etc, for what? Until to tell me she’s not ready 

then she compared me to her ex who said was nice out the start then turned out to be a dick and cheated on her I just said that’s not fair.. just because he was like that doesn’t mean I’m like that, I’m me and he’s him

At the end of the convo she said we should part ways because we want different things I didn’t say anything I just started my car and dropped her off, visibility upset and teary eyed 

 

as soon as I got on the motorway she messaged me:

“Thank you for the roses, Starbucks, chocs, that on a normal day would have made my day, I'm sorry for how things turned out and how you've felt, you're a good person and I was blessed to meet you and experience a fraction of your love, I wish you all the best and hope you start seeing things both logically and emotionally” 

I didn’t reply, I won’t lie to you.. I cried the entire car journey back home, I felt so worthless and fed up

and yes I know it’s my fault, I’m fully aware of this

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

, she kept saying she can’t give me what I want as she’s not ready for a relationship and that it’s not me, and that this applies to everyone 

Please delete and block her. This way you can begin your journey looking for a wife. This woman is not interested so any kindness is wasted on someone like that.

[JTSW]

14 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

I cried the entire car journey back home, I felt so worthless and fed up

We did warn you but you chose not to listen and got burned.

I really hope now that have got the message and won't waste anymore time on her.

[Calmandfocused]

Your update was jawing dropping Op.

I know you’re upset right now so I won’t rub salt in the wound. 
 

However when you’re feeling better go through your update with a fine tooth comb. Ask yourself what you could have done differently. 
 

There is mistake after mistake in every paragraph. Loads of learning points here

. 
I won’t tell you what they are. You need to  figure this out for yourself and recognise the part you played in this. 
 

I hope you feel better  soon. It’s for the best. 
 

 

[HBK123]

11 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Your update was jawing dropping Op.

I know you’re upset right now so I won’t rub salt in the wound. 
 

However when you’re feeling better go through your update with a fine tooth comb. Ask yourself what you could have done differently. 
 

There is mistake after mistake in every paragraph. Loads of learning points here

. 
I won’t tell you what they are. You need to  figure this out for yourself and recognise the part you played in this. 
 

I hope you feel better  soon. It’s for the best. 
 

 

Thank you, I have a problem.. I try too hard to see the good in people all the time when they’re showing me the opposite 

 I read a quote earlier - You'll end up really disappointed if you think people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the
same heart as you.

 

really hit me, thank you for your help 

[spiderowl]

On 4/29/2023 at 2:34 PM, HBK123 said:

I do have pressure from my family, my dad always says to me I’m late and that I should have kids by now which I think is true but it wasn’t written for me so what can I do

you know what hurts me the most, I’ve never wrong anyone in my life, I’ve never touched alcohol, drugs, ciggerettes or even a hookah pipe ever in my life, I treat everyone with so much love and respect whether I know you or whether your soemone new to me. It’s just who I am as a person and knowing this and knowing I’m not enough for this girl or my last relationship, it really breaks my heart. 
 

You don’t realise your own value. You say you are not good enough for this girl, but she is selfish, unkind and a user type of person. She is not good enough for you.

I really think you really need to get better at spotting a person of integrity and a kind nature. This is what you need in your life and yet you have desired this woman who was nothing of the kind. Are you going just by her looks or something? 

It is possible that you only find women attractive to you who are less interested in you. This is not uncommon but it is a waste of time and puts you at risk of being hurt. Think about the qualities you want in a woman and look for those, not just looks or a standoffish attitude.

You did mention you had been hurt before. I know how hard that is. I suppose what I also noticed was that you seemed to expect this recent woman to be more understanding towards you because of this. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work like that. She’s not even the understanding type. It’s not something I’d even mention to a new girlfriend. It might make her feel pressured and then she could opt out.

Start from scratch when you meet someone you like - new relationship, new person, past history nothing to do with her. Please don’t play the victim with a new girl. It’s not her responsibility. She will (hopefully) be looking for someone genuine, fun, good company, kind, and open to a new future with her. Carrying the past around with you will not help either of you. A mutually respectful and loving relationship is what’s needed.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, HBK123 said:

I try too hard to see the good in people all the time when they’re showing me the opposite 

I don't think that's it. 

I think you are terrified of not finding someone, so you're going overboard in your attempts to get these women to see your value. As you are seeing now, it does not work. When someone doesn't feel that way about you, no amount of kind gestures is going to make them stay.

It's also rather intrusive behaviour on your part. Nowhere did she agree to you coming to bring her medicine. You need to not insert yourself into someone's life when they have not expressly indicated they want you there. It is just not approrpriate, and frankly, I would be alarmed if I knew a man was waiting for hours outside my house when I never gave him the green light to come over in the first place. Telling her you're coming is not the same as asking her if she was up for company. 

Please, let this all be a lesson to you. Don't continue to chase after women who tell you they don't want to date you. 

[LynneVicious]

Op, I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. The pain is evident in your post. 

You really need to take this as a learning experience so you don’t repeat your mistakes…

Dating is just a try out for a serious relationship. She failed the try out. And you failed not in seeing the red flags, but choosing to ignore them. 

She was very clear in her words and actions that she didn’t care for you. This is when you take the hint and move on  

So although you’re heartbroken and upset over this, you also need to take some accountability so you don’t go through this again. Stop setting yourself up for hurt. Rejection stings. Everyone has felt it at some point. But pull yourself up, delete this person and move on. In the future, don’t waste time on someone like her so you can free up your time with someone who feels the same way about you. 

There are millions of available women out there. You just need to wade through the weeds to find your flower. Chin up!

[LynneVicious]

18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think that's it. 

I think you are terrified of not finding someone, so you're going overboard in your attempts to get these women to see your value. As you are seeing now, it does not work. When someone doesn't feel that way about you, no amount of kind gestures is going to make them stay.

It's also rather intrusive behaviour on your part. Nowhere did she agree to you coming to bring her medicine. You need to not insert yourself into someone's life when they have not expressly indicated they want you there. It is just not approrpriate, and frankly, I would be alarmed if I knew a man was waiting for hours outside my house when I never gave him the green light to come over in the first place. Telling her you're coming is not the same as asking her if she was up for company. 

Please, let this all be a lesson to you. Don't continue to chase after women who tell you they don't want to date you. 

This is perfectly said!

[HBK123]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think that's it. 

I think you are terrified of not finding someone, so you're going overboard in your attempts to get these women to see your value. As you are seeing now, it does not work. When someone doesn't feel that way about you, no amount of kind gestures is going to make them stay.

It's also rather intrusive behaviour on your part. Nowhere did she agree to you coming to bring her medicine. You need to not insert yourself into someone's life when they have not expressly indicated they want you there. It is just not approrpriate, and frankly, I would be alarmed if I knew a man was waiting for hours outside my house when I never gave him the green light to come over in the first place. Telling her you're coming is not the same as asking her if she was up for company. 

Please, let this all be a lesson to you. Don't continue to chase after women who tell you they don't want to date you. 

She did agree, the whole reason I came a day earlier to her city was because we had a theme park day out planned, we even spoke on the Sunday night on the phone about what time we’ll set off in the morning, she knew I was coming 100%, when she finally got in the car and I said this to her I could tell, it’s like she did it out of spite or to punish me for my account still being active on the app we met on even though I literally offered my phone, login details etc to see for herself thag I’m not that type of guy 

 

I even said this to her, she didn’t say anything until like 5 mins later she was like I’m not vindictive or evil to punish someone like that

 

Also I wasn’t outside her house, I was around the corner because her family didn’t know about me 

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, HBK123 said:

I said I’ll bring her medicine before I get to hers and told her I’ll give her more time

i reach outside her house at 8:20 with roses, chocolates, Starbucks etc and medicine

It’s past 11am now, almost 3 hours.. I’ve been sat in my car.. yes I know I’m an idiot., waiting for her, she hasn’t answer my calls or texts

This tells me she did not agree to you showing up with medicine. Did she?I don't see where she responded when you said you were going to bring her medicine. Correct me if I am wrong. 

43 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

Also I wasn’t outside her house, I was around the corner

Distinction without a difference. It is still inapprorpiate behaviour from you. 

[HBK123]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This tells me she did not agree to you showing up with medicine. Did she?I don't see where she responded when you said you were going to bring her medicine. Correct me if I am wrong. 

Distinction without a difference. It is still inapprorpiate behaviour from you. 

she literally told me the night before and we set a time for me to collect her in morning, I even said I’ll b here at this time, I’ll give you a bit extra time to get ready 

I’m 3 hours away from home, all she needed to do was tell me, she knew I was outside

in what world is it inappropriate lol you’re going on like I was stalking her or doing some weird s***, I was there to pick her up cause I planned a day out for us at a theme park, I didn’t randomly camp outside her house, I coulda just drove off and drove home but I felt that would be rude

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

you’re going on like I was stalking her or doing some weird s***,

It was weird. Sorry. 

15 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

I coulda just drove off and drove home but I felt that would be rude

After waiting 3 hours with no reply, that is exactly what you should have done. You need to gain some self-respect. 

Look, I am not trying to make it worse for you. I understand you are hurt. But you are also very much a part of your own problem. Until you gain insight into your own behaviour, you will continue to chase women who have told you that they don't want to be with you. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, HBK123 said:

, I was around the corner because her family didn’t know about me 

You met on a matrimonial site? Hopefully you've blocked and deleted her by now. It's not worth jumping through all these hoops for someone who is not interested.

Try to speak with your parents about the pressures of finding a wife and starting a family. 

Since you stated that you have some freedom in choosing who you date rather than traditionally arranged marriages, why not try regular high quality relationship-focused apps that offer screening criteria including your distance, age and religious preferences?

This certainly isn't the only woman with your religious/cultural background in your area. You may have to be patient in your search and cut your losses sooner when you realize it's not a good match.

[JTSW]

OP, you are a sweetheart and clearly wear your heart on your sleeve.

You let women like her walk all over you.

You just need to learn to know to walk away.

You've been a little clingy with her and yeah it's a tad weird that you waited 3 hours in your car, but you have heart.

You are a very hopeful guy and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

[HBK123]

1 minute ago, JTSW said:

OP, you are a sweetheart and clearly wear your heart on your sleeve.

You let women like her walk all over you.

You just need to learn to know to walk away.

You've been a little clingy with her and yeah it's a tad weird that you waited 3 hours in your car, but you have heart.

You are a very hopeful guy and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

My friend said the exact same thing to me last night 😞 

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, HBK123 said:

My friend said the exact same thing to me last night 😞 

Don't be sad about her.

She doesn't deserve you.

[HBK123]

28 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Don't be sad about her.

She doesn't deserve you.

I just feel very sad, I know I deserve better but it’s difficult coming to terms with everything 

first my ex now this girl.. I’ve genuinely lost all hope in life, it hurts knowing I gave everything, every inch of my soul and heart and it still wasn’t good enough or enough for them to stay.. do girls really not like nice guys?