H expects me to get a second job

[mopar crazy]

H and I are having financial problems since he switched jobs and is making less money. He promised me he would get another PT job to make ends meet, he has not, but he has applied for FT jobs elsewhere. H told me I should apply for a second job and work PT at the same retail store he works at. So, I applied to work 20 hours a week at the retail store and they called to set up and interview. The lady I spoke to on the phone said that even though I put 9:00 pm as the lastest I wanted to work on my application she said they will need me from 10 to 11 pm. On 11 pm nights I wont get home until 11:30 and I have to be up by 5:30 am to get ready for work and get my kids off to school. There is no way in hell I can live off 6 hours of sleep and still do my FT job the best I can. I need 8 hours of sleep. Some ppl can survive on 6 hours of sleep, I can not. I work w/ children all day, I have to be awake, and alert to every situation. I am going to tell them at my interview that I can not work until 11 and why. If they can't work around that, then I will not work there and my H can deal w/ it. H claims he will help out but I don't see that happening, at all. Why should I be the one to give up my life to only work? He was the one that chose to quit his other job and go to a crappy paying one. He was the one that promised me he would get a second PT job to help out since he was the one that quit a better paying job. Now he is claiming no one would hire him PT b/c he is pushing 40 and there is nothing for work PT for him. So, since he doesn't feel he can find another job he says I should get a second job. He even sat w/ me and filled out the damn application. He has even told dept manager how much experience I have in the retail and they should hire me. I LOVE my teaching aide job and I will never give it up so that is NOT an option. I loathe working in retail.

My kids are both hurt that I may not be home much. I am just sick about this.. Money is important but so is my happiness and I refuse to be unhappy w/ a job just to have money. I have a job I love already, why should I get another one, especially when HE promised he would get a second job. I just don't know what to do, I hate this. Thanks for the vent

[RecordProducer]

Mopar, I absolutely, million per cent agree with every single word you stated here. I have nothing to add even.

 

If you have to work your ass off for more money then what's the point of living at all? Besides, your husband is the one that lost his good job in the first place because of we-know-whom.

[westernxer]

My father worked three jobs after he turned 40, because he wanted my mom to stay home and raise us. My mom was already working part time, too.

 

Don't do it. The lack of sleep will kill you, especially if you're raising kids.

 

I think your husband is making excuses.

[mopar crazy]

Thanks RP and westernxer. I wish my mil would feel the same. When I told her I had a job interview for the second job she was excited I got the call. But, when I told her that they would want me to work until 11 pm she said there is now way I could do that and to tell them I can only work until 9 pm. She said they will probably be willing to work on that w/ me. She has NP w/ me getting a second job. All she said was the H will need to help out around the house b/c I wont be home to do it anymore. She obiviously doesn't know her son that well. He doesn't do anything around the house but he does cook supper once in awhile but there is more to taking care of the kids and house than cooking. I don't think he realizes how much it takes to keep a house clean and the laundry b/c he has never did it b4.

 

westernxer, was it hard for you growing up b/c your dad worked so much? It's awesome he was willing to work so much so your mom could stay home w/ you and your siblings. I know my dad worked a lot of hours at his business. He hardly ever got home b4 7 pm and went to work at 8 am. I remember a lot of times he wasn't home b4 we had to go to bed.

 

Of course my parents live in the old school ages, that a mom should be a SAHM and the dad works to put food on the table, pay bills, and ect. But they also realize that things aren't that way anymore. They both understand that more families need to have two working parents but she said it's not fair that H expects me to take on a second job when I already work FT. My mom also told me my dad isn't very happy about it either and it takes a lot for my dad to get unhappy about something.

 

I understand times have change and women are working outside of the home more but I still need to be home for my kids.

[quankanne]

mo, if you're going to have to do something to bring in additional income, do it on YOUR terms, not his. As in, don't take a job unless you are guaranteed that it will fit in with your schedule, since you're already working two full-time jobs (school and the housewife/mom jobs). If he doesn't like it, tough cookies: unless he's willing to take over the house and kids AND work full-time to allow you to take another job, he's got no place to demand that you be the one to work even more than you do, money problems be damned.

[westernxer]

westernxer, was it hard for you growing up b/c your dad worked so much?

 

Nope. He was a real man and sacrificed so much to provide for the family (his health was bad on top of it). I have nothing but respect for him.

 

My grandfather did the same thing for his family, my brother works close to 60 hours a week for his, and my brother-in-law works two jobs as well.

 

I'd do the same for mine if I were married, but I'm not... whew!

 

I did work two jobs for awhile, and the sleep deprivation took a heavy toll on my psyche. The contrast in scheduling is what did it to me.

[whichwayisup]

I'm with West and RP on this one too. Your mental health is so important! Being a mom and working fulltime is hard enough - Getting a second job isn't fair to you or your kids. Westy is right, he's making excuses and honestly he probably doesn't want to work that hard. He can though, be putting out resume's everyday for a better paying job instead of making you look for a second job.

 

Unless he is going to completely pick up the slack around the house and DO everything you did before - including helping the kids with homework, doing baths, bedtime routines etc...Cooking, cleaning, making lunches for the next day, and laundry...Something tells me he wouldn't do it ... No offense to any men out there, I'm just talking about MC's hubby!

 

The other way of handling this is less money being spent. All of it goes to the kids and the house - So any 'extra's that you or your hubby may enjoy has to stop. Is the extra $$ worth losing your sanity? Nope! Being stressed out, tired and grumpy isn't a good way to live life and I bet that is what will happen if you go down that road.

 

Keep posting and I hope things get easier on you.

 

PS Tell the MIL to mind her own business. If she wants to help she can provide meals once in a while and/or babysit!

[magda]

I noticed this is the 4th topic you've posted about this and it doesn't seem like you've resolved anything yet. The way you talk about the situation makes it seem like you don't discuss these matters with your husband. Do you talk to him about what he needs to do to help you around the house? Do you tell him how you feel about this or just bottle it all up and resent him?

[reader]

If you are a Teachers' Aide, there may be options out there you haven't considered, that will work around your children.

 

For example, many schools offer after school programs that may hire you, pay well, you can have your kids there, have a school schedule, (holidays, etc off), and it can help you in terms of getting promotions, because you are involved with the school.

 

In our community, employee's kids take a bus after school to the school where their parents work, and can stay until their parents are done. Many employees take the second pt job to help pay for things and their children are still taken care of.

 

Don't sacrifice your relationship with your kids, it won't be worth it. Mine are almost grown, I put the time in, and it has come back to me, time and time again. I was stubborn about it, didn't have a lot of stuff, but never cared.

 

Your husband needs to step up to the plate and accept his responsibility. Besides, if you get a 2nd pt job for 1 or 2 hours a day, he can hardly complain.

 

Stay calm, you can get through this.

 

Reader

[mopar crazy]

I noticed this is the 4th topic you've posted about this and it doesn't seem like you've resolved anything yet. The way you talk about the situation makes it seem like you don't discuss these matters with your husband. Do you talk to him about what he needs to do to help you around the house? Do you tell him how you feel about this or just bottle it all up and resent him?

magda, yes I have talked to H about this. He knows I don't want to get another job, he seen how it effected me when I got off the phone talking w/ the gal about the interview. As soon as I hung up I started crying. He knows how much I don't want to get a second job, but like I posted in my orginal post he claims he can't get another job b/c there is nothing in our community he could do (that has ads in the newspaper).

 

Yes, I have told him if I do get a second job he will have to help around the house. And yes WWIU is correct about my H. He may help out for a few days, or a few weeks but then he will stop and then he will start complainiing he has no clothes to wear or the house is a mess and yes, I could through it in his face and say "If I didn't have to work two jobs you would have clean clothes and the house would be cleaned." but that wont solve a darn thing.

 

My mom told me if I don't want to do it, don't and to give up somethings we don't need. H refuses to put our satellite on a cheaper package, refuses to give up the internet, refuses to give up his season baseball tickets or golf (he uses income tax refunds for these) but yet I am the one that has to work a second job to pay the bills. WTH is wrong w/ this picture?

 

I love my H but I can honestly see this M failing really fast the way he is when it comes to spending money like this when we don't have it to spend.

 

reader, I am a teacher aide for a preschool. There is no teacher aides in the public schools, only para's and I would be making about the same amount of money w/ a lot less benefits. My son is in 6th grade and my daughter is in 5th. The only after school program is the daycare that go until 5:30 and they are not hiring. Plus only K-5th grade children can go to this daycare. We don't have anything like your community has, it would be nice though.

[whichwayisup]

My mom told me if I don't want to do it, don't and to give up somethings we don't need. H refuses to put our satellite on a cheaper package, refuses to give up the internet, refuses to give up his season baseball tickets or golf (he uses income tax refunds for these) but yet I am the one that has to work a second job to pay the bills. WTH is wrong w/ this picture

 

Sorry...Mini rant here! F**K that s***!!!!!!!!!!! THOSE are his perks, his enjoyments...If he wants them then HE HAS TO FIND ANOTHER JOB end of story. That is bull, what he is doing right there. OHHHHHH reading that just pisses me off MC.

 

You know what? Tell him you've kept on looking but there is nothing out there for parttime. Let him suffer it out and maybe he can ask HIS mom to give him money to afford his golf habits and baseball games.

[Outcast]

but like I posted in my orginal post he claims he can't get another job b/c there is nothing in our community he could do (that has ads in the newspaper).

 

This is bull. You don't just look in the newspaper for jobs. Particularly around Christmas, stores just put ads in their windows. There are companies that make it a point of hiring older workers like Walmart and Home Depot.

 

He's being unreasonable and unfair and you need to have a serious talk with him and tell him that neither behaviour is acceptable. There is no way in hell he should think it's ok for him to have expensive goodies if there isn't enough money for his own wife and children to live well.

 

Tell him to quit making excuses and get his @$$ to every store, theatre, and other retail outlet in town or you'll change the locks.

[mopar crazy]

Sorry...Mini rant here! F**K that s***!!!!!!!!!!! THOSE are his perks, his enjoyments...If he wants them then HE HAS TO FIND ANOTHER JOB end of story. That is bull, what he is doing right there. OHHHHHH reading that just pisses me off MC.

 

You know what? Tell him you've kept on looking but there is nothing out there for parttime. Let him suffer it out and maybe he can ask HIS mom to give him money to afford his golf habits and baseball games.

 

LMBO WWIU! You are sooo right! I thought that he paid for the golf w/ our money but he said his mom did. She has paid his golf dues ever since we have been together. He paid $100 of it but she paid the other $115 (or whatever it was). Two years ago she paid for his season tickets to the baseball games which is almost $300! Not to mention the gas money it cost to drive the 45 minutes there and back from the damn games! If he wants to do his damn golf and baseball then his mom will have to pay for it. That subject is VERY touchy w/ me and it pisses me off just as much as it does you, lol.

 

He flat out said he will not give up his golf or baseball tickets b/c that is his enjoyments. WTF? So your right HE can go get the second job. I do bowl on Wednesday nights as that is my time w/ friends and a break from the kids for one night a week for 3 hours. I have thought about giving up bowling but I just got a ball and shoes for my bday two months ago from my inlaws and parents. I even told H I was giving up bowling and he told me not to, it was the only thing I did for fun. My ball and shoes cost me about $100 and that will last me for years. He has boughten so many damn golf club and bags he has probably spent over $2,000 for that and that isn't including the gas to the course and back, nor the $250-$300 golf dues every season and HE expects ME to get a second job, bulls***!

[magda]

You really ought to just put your foot down and say no instead of going through the motions of getting another job, even though you don't want to.

 

And while you're at it, dump the guy.

[whichwayisup]

There ya go baby! The fire is under your butt now ---Channel that energy into making your husband realize how unreasonsable he's acting! When you think of it, how much money will the extra work bring in?

 

Start collecting coupons, when you grocery shop those come in handy. Buy in bulk and when you need inexpensive things like cleaning products etc, go to a dollar store! Why not? The stuff is just as good as it is in the regular stores.

 

Venting is good, so keep posting.

[Hot Coco]

Are you a goddess or a doormat?

[mopar crazy]

Are you a goddess or a doormat?

I guess you could say I am a goddess right now b/c I told H that if I have to get a second job he has to give up his season baseball tickets and golf and he said "Bulls***" so I said "Then I guess I don't have to get a second job b/c I refuse to work my butt off so you can have those things." So, screw him if he wants to be that way. And I know I shouldn't tell his mom but I am going to.

[whichwayisup]

So, screw him if he wants to be that way. And I know I shouldn't tell his mom but I am going to.

 

IF she knew that he was making you get a second job because of his 'play' time, I think she'll have something to say bout it considering she's giving him money anyway. He needs a good hard slap across the head and needs "red" from That 70's Show to call him "DUMBASS!!!" LOL!

[Hot Coco]

I guess you could say I am a goddess right now b/c I told H that if I have to get a second job he has to give up his season baseball tickets and golf and he said "Bulls***" so I said "Then I guess I don't have to get a second job b/c I refuse to work my butt off so you can have those things." So, screw him if he wants to be that way. And I know I shouldn't tell his mom but I am going to.

 

Good for you, Mopar! Only problem is that you're NOT a goddess. A goddess doesn't tell her H that if she has to get a second job he has to give up his season baseball tickets and gold. A goddess just tells her H that she's NOT going to get a second job. No explanations necessary.

 

As far as his mom..NO, a goddess doesn't involve his mother.

[mopar crazy]

IF she knew that he was making you get a second job because of his 'play' time, I think she'll have something to say bout it considering she's giving him money anyway. He needs a good hard slap across the head and needs "red" from That 70's Show to call him "DUMBASS!!!" LOL!

 

 

LMBO! Where is Red when ya need him? LOL! I just emailed her and told her, should be interesting what she has to say. I know why she thinks I should get another job, so we will stop asking her for money. I refuse to ask my parents for money. It's not their fault their daughter married a man who threw away his 4 year college law degree and works at a piece of s*** retail store. H is a smart man, but when it comes to thinks like this, I just want to take a tack hammer to his head and say "WAKE THE F@CK UP!" He lost a great paying job b/c he had to stick his d!ck where it didn't belong.

 

Sometimes I wonder WTF I was thinking when I took him back. I took him back b/c I loved him, wanted to spend the rest of my life w/ him, but if I would of known how bad things would of been I probably wouldn't of taken him back. Hell, I could probably be M to a rich guy by now, lol. That is terrible, I sound like a gold digger and I am far from that. I just want a H who can support me and our children w/o having to worry how to pay the bills. It's not like I am not trying to help us out financially, I work full time, what more does he want from me?

[mopar crazy]

Good for you, Mopar! Only problem is that you're NOT a goddess. A goddess doesn't tell her H that if she has to get a second job he has to give up his season baseball tickets and gold. A goddess just tells her H that she's NOT going to get a second job. No explanations necessary.

 

As far as his mom..NO, a goddess doesn't involve his mother.

 

You have a valid point there. I guess I am not a goddess nor a doormat, just a b!tch, lol.

[Hot Coco]

You have a valid point there. I guess I am not a goddess nor a doormat, just a b!tch, lol.

 

Nope, Mopar. You're not a b!tch. And you're either a goddess OR a doormat. Really, it's true. Which do you want to be?

[mopar crazy]

Nope, Mopar. You're not a b!tch. And you're either a goddess OR a doormat. Really, it's true. Which do you want to be?

 

 

Well, def not a doormat. Ya know, b4 H's A I was at a point in my life were I no longer wanted to be a doormat, and I was. I put my foot down and told him he either quits drinking (which caused a lot of problems) and get professional help w/ his anger. He did both but 6 months later he started his EA w/ the exOW and then filed for a D and his EA turned into a PA. He claims that he didn't resent me for making him quit drinking or getting help but it just seems odd that 6 months later he turned to another woman to fill his needs. I didn't pay much attention to him b/c I was dead a$$ tired by the evenings. I worked as a licensed daycare provider and had cared for other ppl's children 12 hours a day. I was exhausted by the time the last child went home. And WTH would I want to give someone affection or attention when they were never home and came home several nights a week stinking drunk? The exOW paid attention to him, made him feel like a man again, and persued him for three years. I don't blame myself at all for his A. If he wanted the affection and attention that the exOW gave to him then he should of treated me better. She didn't live w/ him, she didn't have the struggles of paying bills, raising children and just everything that came w/ a M. All they had to worry about was keeping the A a secret and finding the time to be together.

 

If being my own person, not putting up w/ his s***, and not being is doormat is going to lead him into another woman's arm so be it, but I WILL NOT take him back the second time. I was willing to give my M a shot a second time, but I wont a third. There is plenty of other SG out there that would be thrilled to have me in their lives.

[Hot Coco]

Wow, I love a good argument, but I don't have one here! Mopar, you're a goddess. You've been a doormat for a lont time...just like me. But I can tell you're not anymore. It's the greatest feeling to go from a doormat to a goddess like you have and like I have. I've never been happier in my life. Once you do that "switch" you NEVER go back. Men will only treat you the way you LET them treat you. I have it all, but only because I won't accept anything less. Remember that always and you'll do fine.

 

You ARE a goddess!

[Mz. Pixie]

Mopar,

 

You seriously need to reevaluate staying in this marriage. I've posted on every thread and every time I see a post from you on this subject my blood starts boiling.

 

Here are the facts as I see it.

 

1. He was a drunk with a anger problem.

 

2. He got help for this after your demands.

 

3. He gets involved with OW, loses his job.

 

4. He takes a lesser paying job because he has to and promises to get a part time job.

 

5. He doesn't get a part time job and still keeps his spending level at where it was.

 

6. He wants you to get a part time job but will not take on the additional responsibility that you are doing with the kids, house. You cannot even get this ass to fix the garage door opener.

 

7. His mother is on your butt about working another job so her precious son doesn't have to.

 

8. He continues to pressure you to get a part time job.

 

9. This man doesn't care about how much stress the finances or the house or the kids puts on you, seriously. If he did he would modify his lifestyle. He only wants to stay married to you if he can have it entirely his way.

 

He should be BEGGING you to stay with him and agreeing to do whatever necessary to mend the fences here. He is the one who cheated which has caused the decline in your finances and everything. HE IS THE ONE who should have to fix this situation, not you.

 

I would never tell someone to get leave their spouse under normal circumstances but basically, what is it exactly that you are getting out of this relationship???? He cannot be THAT good in bed, because as I see it he does nothing else to contribute to the marriage, he causes problems and expects you or his mother to solve them.

 

Really, haven't you cleaned up enough of the messes already?? DO NOT do it. You can do soooo much better sweetie. Seriously think about giving him a ultimatum.