am I not enough for someone? am I looking at this the wrong way?

[LonelySigma]

Hello,

I have posted a few times earlier. In regard to the previous posts, I would like to say that I have moved on from my initial depressed feelings. But with that, I have new feelings that are causing me slight discomfort and pain.

Situation: I had a crush who I never expressed feelings for (though I left a few signs here and there, but they were never reciprocated--that itself feels like the rejection), and now she is with a new guy who she thinks "you're the one" and "I love you more than I could love myself." These are lyrics from a story she posted. Anyway, the first two weeks after discovering she was with someone were very difficult, I was at a very low point. However, I would like to say I am doing better. The thought doesn't make me cry like it used to, but it still leaves me uncomfortable and sad internally. I cannot face them on campus without feeling ashamed, embarrassed, or low. I feel like a failure. Although I want to be happy for them, sometimes I am saddened by the fact that I am not the reason she smiles everyday, someone else is loving her the way I want to. I am not bitter, just sad. We are undergrads, 19-20yrs. I am a sophomore, they are first-years.

The Internal Struggle: Although I have generally moved on and accepted that she is with someone else, I can't help but think that I am not enough. It does feel like a rejection the way I perceive it. She never reciprocated any sign I provided or engaged in any conversation we had. Then she chose someone else. This has caused me to think, am I enough? We work together in school as a part of a financial aid labor program (woodworking, that's her career aspiration) and she has heard quite a lot from our supervisors about what I do and who I am as a person: designed research in wood engineering, earned two successful grant proposals, attained 3k in funding, achieved transparent wood, premed student with significant biomedical research experience, currently designing a student-oriented publishing business, contributing to Vanderbilt-based research, Dean's list, Chemistry Award Recipient, aspirant physician scientist devoted to cancer biology and clinical oncology, and noted by my supervisors as a hard, diligent worker. It feels depressing to think, was I not enough for her? Will I be enough for anyone? All of these endeavors are personal goals, so I am not doing it to impress anyone. My "why" and purpose for these ambitions is driven by life goals of cancer research, by my desire to move my family forward, by my desire to set a great future for my future wife and kids, but I do wonder if my hard work, accomplishments, high performance, and passion is ever going to be enough for someone. I hear all the time that women are genuinely attracted to success, but that must be a false perception or it just doesn't work for me.

Moreover, I would not say I am the best-looking dude, nor am I tall (taller than her, though shorter than her new guy), but this situation has made me feel unworthy of being loved by someone. I feel like no matter how much I work on myself, no matter how much effort I put into achieving my dreams, into attaining success and wealth, I will not be enough for someone. While I don't compare myself to her new guy, I will say, for the purpose of the post, that he has not made the Dean's list and has not accomplished anything near to what I have achieved (I say this with my most humble respect). All in all, I feel like my effort in life and academics is not even respected by her. I do everything I can, but I guess I am not enough to be loved.

Am I thinking about this the wrong way? Clarity would be very helpful. Thanks!

[basil67]

2 hours ago, LonelySigma said:

but I do wonder if my hard work, accomplishments, high performance, and passion is ever going to be enough for someone. I hear all the time that women are genuinely attracted to success, but that must be a false perception or it just doesn't work for me.

All of your work will make you a wonderful doctor and researcher.  But it has no relation to an interpersonal relationship.  

I'm a woman of an age where I could easily be your mother.  And I've never personally known a woman who's attracted to success.  I mean, sure there are some women who are attracted, but I suspect they want the trappings which come with success rather than the man.   

I think it's fair to say that women like a man who's employed, preferably with a successful career.  But it doesn't have to be high flying or impressive.  Of my friends and family, the husbands aren't high flyers: there are quite a number in IT, one is a long haul truck driver, one is involved in bicycle repairs, there are a few electricians and a few builders.  None of these hold a candle to you in terms of research, but this doesn't make them less desirable as a partner. 

Generally speaking, it's your interpersonal skills and emotional connection to a woman which will underpin the attraction.  Sharing similar sense of humour helps too!   And you need to have time to be present for her.   With how you describe your work, do you actually have time for a girlfriend?  Can you spend a full day and a couple of nights with her on a weekend?  Do you have some weeknight evenings free to hang out or do something nice?  

About this recent girl, it's good that you didn't express feelings for her.  It's pretty uncomfortable if a guy does that before you're dating and heading towards a relationship.  What you did need to do was ask her on a date.  (but only if you had the time to commit to dating and a relationship - otherwise, forget about it) .  I know it's disappointing that she wasn't interested in you, but think about it...human emotions are complex and finding that deep connection needs to work both ways.  Back when I was young, I had crushes on guys where it wasn't reciprocated.  And guys have had crushes on me where it wasn't reciprocated.   There were some where we'd end up in a relationship which would eventually end.   Then the magic happens with just one person and you end up marrying them.  This is completely normal.  

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, LonelySigma said:

Am I thinking about this the wrong way? 

You're overly focused on one missed opportunity and catastrophizing it too globally into a complete character reevaluation. 

It's great your very involved in academics and your projects, however that is different than interpersonal relationships such as friends and dating.

Please talk to Someone at the student health clinic so you can start to unpack and sort out these doubts and anxiety.