Should I tell her what her bf said to me?

[Kassieee]

This guy whose always had a crush on me  throughout highschool and after decided that he wanted to date my cousin of all people. They met through me. They've been dating for years now. He messaged me saying that I always gave him bufferflies, after seeing eachother again- with mutal friends- wouldnt hang out with him then, wouldnt hang out with him now one on one. Do I tell my cousin? Or not my place? Does she deserve to know what her bf is saying behind her back.

 

I personally don't think it will do anything but hurt her so whats the point. I would want to know though.

Edited April 30, 2023 by justaskingok

[basil67]

It's tough, but blood is thicker than water.  I'd tell your cousin using the most compassion you can.  And make sure to show her the transcript so that he can't deny what he said.  Thing is, it's inappropriate to send this to you, but how many other women has he sent stuff like this too while he's been with her?

But before you tell her, make sure you block him on all platforms.  

Edited April 30, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, justaskingok said:

Th. He messaged me saying that I always gave him bufferflies, after seeing eachother again- . Do I tell my cousin? 

Say something to him, not the cousin. He's the one being inappropriate. Shut this down.  Why are you communicating with him?

Tell him he's being inappropriate then delete him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[Alpacalia]

It's a tough spot for sure. It is such a tricky conundrum because your loyalty to your cousin can pull you in two different directions.

In one sense, you don't want her with a man who gets frisky with her family. But at the same time, you want her feelings to be protected.

I would, however, ensure that I had no doubts. Flirting can be misunderstood as being hit on so I would clarify with the guy and then shut it down.

The thing is, it's not your job to destroy, expose or fix their relationship.

JMO, I am super close with my cousin. I know what we would do 

So I suppose you need to also consider the dynamics of your relationship.

It's likely that, if you know her well, you'll instinctively know if she'd be open to hearing this information.

Edited April 30, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

I think you would be stirring up trouble for nothing.  Is that really all he said, that you "gave him butterflies"?  That is a pretty G-rated comment, it's rather harmless.  I think you should just stay out of it.  And stop texting with him, I'm not sure why you are doing that in the first place.

[stillafool]

I agree with others that him saying you gave him butterflies is g rated, though still inappropriate.  Why are you texting with your friend's boyfriend?  Stop that as your friend will not appreciate it.  Block him, because that is even worse.

[ExpatInItaly]

23 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's tough, but blood is thicker than water.  I'd tell your cousin using the most compassion you can.  And make sure to show her the transcript

I would do the same. 

She deserves to know what he gets up to when her head is turned. I don't view it as harmless. I think it's actually pretty crappy, especially considering it's his girlfriend's cousin he's hitting up. Yuck. 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/30/2023 at 2:43 AM, justaskingok said:

 Does she deserve to know what her bf is saying behind her back.

Telling her could backfire since it's odd you're messaging him one-on-one in the first place. She could for example wonder what You're doing behind her back.

Instead, block and delete him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. There's no reason you should be entertaining him through messaging.

[Kassieee]

18 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

It's a tough spot for sure. It is such a tricky conundrum because your loyalty to your cousin can pull you in two different directions.

In one sense, you don't want her with a man who gets frisky with her family. But at the same time, you want her feelings to be protected.

I would, however, ensure that I had no doubts. Flirting can be misunderstood as being hit on so I would clarify with the guy and then shut it down.

The thing is, it's not your job to destroy, expose or fix their relationship.

JMO, I am super close with my cousin. I know what we would do 

So I suppose you need to also consider the dynamics of your relationship.

It's likely that, if you know her well, you'll instinctively know if she'd be open to hearing this information.

She's not exactly an innocent, sweet person. I was interested in a guy someone she knew i liked alot ... and she went behind my back and started talking to him. They started a little fling, he stopped talking to me. She led him on, catfished him using her friends picture. Eventually he found out she was lying about who she was- didnt like how she looked and dropped her. She's been so disrespectful to me. And I just let things go because she's family. 

There's just been so many things along the years where she did shady things to me and I still give her grace. I don't know why I should be doing the right things for her sake.

[Kassieee]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Telling her could backfire since it's odd you're messaging him one-on-one in the first place. She could for example wonder what You're doing behind her back.

Instead, block and delete him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. There's no reason you should be entertaining him through messaging.

Hey. I knew him for years because of school so we have the same social circle- where i bumped into him and we talked for a sec. So no, it's not weird that we talked in a social setting, he messaged me after, I didn't message back. 

[Kassieee]

14 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I think you would be stirring up trouble for nothing.  Is that really all he said, that you "gave him butterflies"?  That is a pretty G-rated comment, it's rather harmless.  I think you should just stay out of it.  And stop texting with him, I'm not sure why you are doing that in the first place.

You assume I was texting him. Which is a wrong assumption.

[Kassieee]

I'm not telling her. It will be pointless, just make her feel bad. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, justaskingok said:

She's not exactly an innocent, sweet person. I was interested in a guy someone she knew i liked alot ... and she went behind my back and started talking to him. They started a little fling, he stopped talking to me. She led him on, catfished him using her friends picture. Eventually he found out she was lying about who she was- didnt like how she looked and dropped her. She's been so disrespectful to me. And I just let things go because she's family. 

There's just been so many things along the years where she did shady things to me and I still give her grace. I don't know why I should be doing the right things for her sake.

  So it sounds like you have resentment towards your cousin anyway. 

Edited May 1, 2023 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, justaskingok said:

I'm not telling her. It will be pointless, just make her feel bad. 

Good call. Don't entertain him or his messages. Step far away from him. Try to let go of past hurts,  competition or resentment with this cousin. Live your life happily and don't get involved in each other's personal lives.

[Kassieee]

Just now, stillafool said:

  So it sounds like you have resentment towards your cousin anyway.  What are you getting out of texting with her boyfriend behind her back?  Do you have feelings for him?  Do you have a boyfriend?

I never texted him. No I never liked him in that way, or else I would've been with him.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, justaskingok said:

She's not exactly an innocent, sweet person. I was interested in a guy someone she knew i liked alot ... and she went behind my back and started talking to him. They started a little fling, he stopped talking to me. She led him on, catfished him using her friends picture. Eventually he found out she was lying about who she was- didnt like how she looked and dropped her. She's been so disrespectful to me. And I just let things go because she's family. 

There's just been so many things along the years where she did shady things to me and I still give her grace. I don't know why I should be doing the right things for her sake.

Some family members have jealousy issues or compare themselves to each other. However from your post I get the feeling you have enjoyed to a degree the attention from your cousin's boyfriend but we normally draw a line as blood is thicker than water. If she has dated any of your past boyfriend's then I can clearly see there will be mistrust and it may look like your again rubbing her face in the fact men fancy you.

He needs to back off ASAP. He shouldn't have your mobile phone number to begin with. Cut off all contact with him.

Hopefully you will not run into him again since you are in the same social circle. Should he do it again, I would also encourage you to speak up for your cousin. He is insulting your cousin as well as the relationship between the two of you.

Put yourself and your cousin OP first. I'm not laying any blame, but you need to be supportive. Get to know each other as adults.

If you feel that she is that terrible to you, then don't interact with her, at all.

[Kassieee]

6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Some family members have jealousy issues or compare themselves to each other. However from your post I get the feeling you have enjoyed to a degree the attention from your cousin's boyfriend but we normally draw a line as blood is thicker than water. If she has dated any of your past boyfriend's then I can clearly see there will be mistrust and it may look like your again rubbing her face in the fact men fancy you.

He needs to back off ASAP. He shouldn't have your mobile phone number to begin with. Cut off all contact with him.

Hopefully you will not run into him again since you are in the same social circle. Should he do it again, I would also encourage you to speak up for your cousin. He is insulting your cousin as well as the relationship between the two of you.

Put yourself and your cousin OP first. I'm not laying any blame, but you need to be supportive. Get to know each other as adults.

If you feel that she is that terrible to you, then don't interact with her, at all.

Which part of my post gives you the impression that I enjoy his attention, just curious :).

He had my number even before he knew she existed, we were friends and classmates before they even met. So it's not like we exchanged numbers and I went behind her back.

Edited May 1, 2023 by justaskingok

[Alpacalia]

30 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

Which part of my post gives you the impression that I enjoy his attention, just curious :).

He had my number even before he knew she existed, we were friends and classmates before they even met. So it's not like we exchanged numbers and I went behind her back.

You're clearly disappointed by your cousin's disrespect and shady behavior.

If you have a little bit of resentment towards your cousin maybe a part of it feels good. It's almost like a reminder that he liked you initially and still does, even if he's dating your cousin now.

While it may not be the kind of attention desired, it is still a form of recognition and a source of validation. You're just getting it from the wrong person.

Seems like there are some broken fences between you and your cousin.

[Kassieee]

22 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You're clearly disappointed by your cousin's disrespect and shady behavior.

If you have a little bit of resentment towards your cousin maybe a part of it feels good. It's almost like a reminder that he liked you initially and still does, even if he's dating your cousin now.

While it may not be the kind of attention desired, it is still a form of recognition and a source of validation. You're just getting it from the wrong person.

Seems like there are some broken fences between you and your cousin.

I'm just annoyed at myself for trying to do the right thing by her, like stressing my brain out when she would not do the same for me- so yes I guess that's resentment. That doesn't mean I feel validated by his attention.

 

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

I'm just annoyed at myself for trying to do the right thing by her, like stressing my brain out when she would not do the same for me- so yes I guess that's resentment. That doesn't mean I feel validated by his attention.

 

I understand what you are experiencing, and many people have lived through the same thing. As if you're simply going through the motions. Almost as if doing "right" by her has limited your choices in life. "The right thing" needs to be changed into the right thing.

Starting with the right motives is a good starting point. If doing the right thing has become more of a formality than a personal choice, it is time for a reevaluation.

When I’m resentful, or envious of others, it comes down to this… I “don’t like” some person, place or thing.

It seems that life offers three options: Accept it, Tolerate it, or Remove Thyself from a situation.

But let's be honest, the fourth option is always to just pretend it never happened.

[MsJayne]

There's something very wrong with their relationship, emphasis on 'their', nothing to do with you, so I'd just keep out of it and fade him. You don't owe your cousin loyalty if she hasn't been a good friend, and if their relationship's coming to an end it's going to happen anyway without any input from you. 

[basil67]

16 hours ago, justaskingok said:

She's not exactly an innocent, sweet person. I was interested in a guy someone she knew i liked alot ... and she went behind my back and started talking to him. They started a little fling, he stopped talking to me. She led him on, catfished him using her friends picture. Eventually he found out she was lying about who she was- didnt like how she looked and dropped her. She's been so disrespectful to me. And I just let things go because she's family. 

There's just been so many things along the years where she did shady things to me and I still give her grace. I don't know why I should be doing the right things for her sake.

Why didn't you tell us this in the start?  It's a really important part of the equation.

When I gave the advice to tell her, I did so with the impression you cared about her.  But if you don't care about her, don't get involved.  Simple

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, justaskingok said:

I'm just annoyed at myself for trying to do the right thing by her, like stressing my brain out when she would not do the same for me- 

That's ok. You did the right thing by staying out of it. Stirring up drama, doubts or jealousy isn't going to help her or them figure things out. Just carry on as usual and continue to ignore him.

[JTSW]

On 5/1/2023 at 10:17 AM, justaskingok said:

She's not exactly an innocent, sweet person. I was interested in a guy someone she knew i liked alot ... and she went behind my back and started talking to him. They started a little fling, he stopped talking to me. She led him on

Because of this, even if you did tell her, she wouldn't believe you.

She would think that you just trying to get back at her.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Message him back and tell him this is very inappropriate and if he continues, You will be forced to notify your cousin.