'Tig ol booty'

[Classicfiction]

Hey guys,

Here is a fun one for you.  Met a guy on the dating app and clicked very quickly.  We are both living in one state but turns out we grew up in the same small suburb of another state and went to the same high school.  The conversation is flowing and I start to get a little excited that there could be a real connection.  So I give him my phone number at the beginning of this week.

From there he starts texting me pretty continuously each day.  This is something that does bother me because whenever the texting is continous like that right in the beginning, I find the situation usually ends just as rapidly.  But of course, I decide to just go with it since I like the guy.

So the convo keeps going all week and we were planning on talking on the phone today for the first time.  However, last night he texted and asked me if I do squats when I work out.  I said yes, why do you ask.  He replies, "because I like the effects on women when they do squats (drool face, peach emoji)"

I respond saying, "Well I hate to tell you but I have a small @ss."  He then says "Oh sadness!  Oh well, I'm sure I will still like yours anyway."  Followed by "I do like a tig ol booty though!"

At that point I was thinking you've got to be kidding me, this is body shaming.  And it immediately turns me off.  He then starts to ramble on and I don't respond.  Finally he says "was that too much too fast?"  And I say, " I'm not going to put myself in a position to feel insecure about my body but I'll be your friend."

He immediately starts backpeddling and apologizing, saying that he really isn't that shallow and he's interested in a woman's heart and soul for a connection. I tell him that I have no idea why he would go on about big @sses after I tell him I have a small one and I'm just extremely turned off.  I said, if that wasn't important to you, why would you be fishing trying to find out about the shape of my freakin behind.

From there he starts saying we need to give "us" a chance.  And I am thinking is this some sort of joke?  I literally just met this guy and he's been texting non stop and now this sh*t.  I'm so annoyed right now guys!

So my question to you is two fold.  First off, what is with that rapid fire intense all day texting?  This has happened to me before.  Are these guys trying to build repore as quickly as possible to try and get laid right off the bat?  It sort of feels that way to me.  As if you exchange a bunch of info about one another rapidly then it will feel like you're already in a relationship the first time you meet??

Secondly, what is his purpose of then throwing a body shaming punch if he's trying to get laid?  Am I misreading this or overreacting?  

At the moment I feel no desire to meet this man in person.  That sh*t killed the vibe fast.  But I'm still curious about him and admittedly, I feel the desire to f**k with him.  I know that's juvenile, but freakin a, we haven't even met yet and dude is making me feel shitty about my body.

What do yall think?

[stillafool]

I would stop the fast texting and ask to meet or forget it.  He clearly likes big booties but is also not opposed to small ones too.  It was inappropriate because he's making it clear he's interested in sex or he'd ask you out on a date and stop the booty talk.

[Classicfiction]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I would stop the fast texting and ask to meet or forget it.  He clearly likes big booties but is also not opposed to small ones too.  It was inappropriate because he's making it clear he's interested in sex or he'd ask you out on a date and stop the booty talk.

So I recently had surgery on my eye and the recovery time is a couple of weeks.  He knows this and told me it wasn't a problem to wait to meet up.  Up until last night there was light flirty talk with sexual innuendo but nothing offensive.

For me, if I was to do anything with this guy it wouldn't be for awhile.  That being because, despite us connecting on other levels, after last night I feel zero sexual chemistry.  That would have to build back up over time at this point and not even sure it would.  For some reason, I want to see if he'll hold on for that.  My guess is he'll just going running after the next fat @ss anyway.

For the guys, if you have a thing for a certain body type.. nice legs, big booty, type of boobs etc., do you think it works out best if you stick to what you like physically?

[Weezy1973]

My experience with folks who come on very fast at the beginning is that there’s an underlying insecurity or abandonment issue. They’re trying to build a “connection” very fast. And then he panicked when you lost interest. Red flag.

 

That being said, he didn’t body shame you. He talked about his preference which was inappropriate and I’d suggest also a red flag. But the shame felt came from within you. If you’re happy with your body, what this guy says is meaningless. 

[Classicfiction]

Just now, Weezy1973 said:

My experience with folks who come on very fast at the beginning is that there’s an underlying insecurity or abandonment issue. They’re trying to build a “connection” very fast. And then he panicked when you lost interest. Red flag.

 

That being said, he didn’t body shame you. He talked about his preference which was inappropriate and I’d suggest also a red flag. But the shame felt came from within you. If you’re happy with your body, what this guy says is meaningless. 

Why would a woman not feel bad being told by a man that he's massively turned on by a physical feature she doesn't have?  That's some bs lol.  Am I crying over it? No.  Is it ultimately going to affect my self esteem in the long run? No.  But I'm not a freaking holy zen robot.

[Alpacalia]

They made a song about this:

 

[Weezy1973]

45 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

Why would a woman not feel bad being told by a man that he's massively turned on by a physical feature she doesn't have?  

Because it has nothing to do with you? I’m shorter than average and women would all the time say they liked tall guys. Bothered me when I was a teenager, but then I figured out some women didn’t care about height and others did. And they liking tall guys wasn’t body shaming me. It was just their preference. No big deal. 

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Classicfiction said:

Why would a woman not feel bad being told by a man that he's massively turned on by a physical feature she doesn't have?  

Why WOULD a woman feel bad about this?  I mean, if it were your boyfriend or husband, OK.  This is a complete stranger.  It's inappropriate for you to feel bad or "shamed" because you don't have a physical feature that this guy is into.  His preferences have nothing to do with you.  This is a "you" problem.

Though I do not see any kind of "body shaming" here,  I do see big red flags.  1) Texting "all day every day" - he did it, you participated, it's not smart. 2) I think it's creepy for a stranger to start talking about how he hopes your butt looks.  3) You already know that you're not his physical type, which is a less than ideal starting place.  4)His reaction when you backed off was insecure and weak.

So, move on.

 

[ShyViolet]

He did not "body shame" you.  It is a reach for you to characterize it that way.  He was just talking about bodies and physical characteristics.  He did not insult you.  You are massively projecting.

However, with that being said, this guy sounds like an idiot.  He is showing you the type of person he is.  I would be turned off and I would not meet up with him or take this any further if I were you.

[Classicfiction]

Ok, well I can absolutely take the constructive criticism on this topic and I appreciate you guys saying this.  Perhaps I am insecure about my body.  For some reason this is a repeating pattern for me meeting guys who tell me they think I'm beautiful but then comment on other women in a way that kills the romance.

And yeah, if this was a longterm committed relationship and he randomly started talking about fat @sses being hot that would be a whole different scenario than it happening before we even meet.

I guess I should just walk away.  Thank you guys for your opinions.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

.  He replies, "because I like the effects on women when they do squats (drool face, peach emoji)"

I respond saying, "Well I hate to tell you but I have a small @ss."  He then says "Oh sadness!  Oh well, I'm sure I will still like yours anyway."  Followed by "I do like a tig ol booty though!"

 

This is isn't about his preferences. It's about the nature of his conversation in general. You haven't even met and he's talking to you like a piece of meat. Take your time recovering and reflect if meeting someone like this is even worthwhile. Trust your instincts. If he creeps you out, there's a reason.

[Classicfiction]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is isn't about his preferences. It's about the nature of his conversation in general. You haven't even met and he's talking to you like a piece of meat. Take your time recovering and reflect if meeting someone like this is even worthwhile. Trust your instincts. If he creeps you out, there's a reason.

Yeah I hear you.  It's not cool at all by me.  The whole thing started off very positively.  He's a long time police officer who volunteers with special needs kids.  I was taken with what appeared to be genuine depth of character in our conversation.  But I was having the warning bells go off with just how much he was texting me and probably should have listened to my gut a little sooner.

That quick turn around though!  Not sure I've ever been turned off so rapidly before.

[Versacehottie]

yeah agree with some of the others..you are being overly sensitive and way too combustible IMO with going as far as saying it's "body shaming". It's a preference that's all.

Though I think you are well within your rights and YOUR preferences to be turned off by a guy who goes on and on about his preferences, especially when they don't match your anatomy and just the discussion in general when you haven't met up yet is sort of crude in nature and maybe that is not for you--which I get.  But I don't think you should go as far as running with the "body shaming" story because it's not that. Fair enough to just decide he's not for you. 

I sort of think there is some good with a guy who would realize he's offended you and apologize up and down. You two do't know each other well enough to know a) maybe this is his idea of humor and he used it too much/too soon with you b) maybe his preferences have little to do with who will make a good partner for him--which happens to lots of guys.

I think the fact that you are hypersensitive and insecure (ie in that you can't move forward thinking now you don't measure up) is something you should work on. The response shouldn't be this over-the-top. If some guy did this and more secure response might be that you focus on the fact that he's exposed himself as crude or lacking in manners which turns you off rather than get hung up on ASSets that you do or don't have. 

Edited April 30, 2023 by Versacehottie

[Classicfiction]

3 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

yeah agree with some of the others..you are being overly sensitive and way too combustible IMO with going as far as saying it's "body shaming". It's a preference that's all.

Though I think you are well within your rights and YOUR preferences to be turned off by a guy who goes on and on about his preferences, especially when they don't match your anatomy and just the discussion in general when you haven't met up yet is sort of crude in nature and maybe that is not for you--which I get.  But I don't think you should go as far as running with the "body shaming" story because it's not that. Fair enough to just decide he's not for you. 

I sort of think there is some good with a guy who would realize he's offended you and apologize up and down. You two do't know each other well enough to know a) maybe this is his idea of humor and he used it too much/too soon with you b) maybe his preferences have little to do with who will make a good partner for him--which happens to lots of guys.

I think the fact that you are hypersensitive and insecure (ie in that you can't move forward thinking now you don't measure up) is something you should work on. The response shouldn't be this over-the-top. If some guy did this and more secure response might be that you focus on the fact that he's exposed himself as crude or lacking in manners which turns you off rather than get hung up on ASSets that you do or don't have. 

@Versacehottie, hey I appreciate your response and thank you for your balanced opinion.  You are absolutely right in that I am reactionary to this kind of thing.  Which, of course, is the reason why I posted here so I could get some outside views on it.  Just not sure why I'm attracting this scenario to myself.

Maybe other women aren't necessarily offended by guys saying/doing this kind of thing and just let it slide?  Or maybe they shut it down faster than I do and just calmly walk away.  Either way, I feel frustrated by the pattern.

I had another recent attempt with a guy a friend set me up with who started getting handsy in a movie theater.  No big deal until he full on grabbed my belly.  I mean gave it a big honk and didn't let go until I physically pulled his hand off.  Frustrating.

[Alpacalia]

It turned you off yet you want to have sex with him (your words). You know that it's not a good idea, but you can't seem to help yourself. You're drawn to him and you find yourself wanting to be intimate with him even though you know it will end badly.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Maybe not body shaming, but definitely body objectifying--and really badly.

The doing squats thing--ridiculous, beyond ridiculous.  Why are you even asking if this is appropriate. Clearly this guy is weird and strange and odd and that means you run. 

 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

At that point I was thinking you've got to be kidding me, this is body shaming.  And it immediately turns me off.  He then starts to ramble on and I don't respond.  Finally he says "was that too much too fast?"  And I say, " I'm not going to put myself in a position to feel insecure about my body but I'll be your friend."

Why on earth did you offer to be his friend? 

10 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

From there he starts saying we need to give "us" a chance.

He has no business tell you what you need to do.  Totally disrespectful of your decision to walk away from him.

10 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

First off, what is with that rapid fire intense all day texting?  This has happened to me before.  Are these guys trying to build repore as quickly as possible to try and get laid right off the bat?  It sort of feels that way to me.  As if you exchange a bunch of info about one another rapidly then it will feel like you're already in a relationship the first time you meet??

You participated in the texting, so the same question could easily be asked of you.  I suspect the answer is that both of you did it because it was fun and you were enjoying it.

10 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

Secondly, what is his purpose of then throwing a body shaming punch if he's trying to get laid?  Am I misreading this or overreacting?  

Have you heard of negging?  It's an incel theory where a guy insults a woman with the idea that she will try and work to gain his favour.  It's emotional manipulation.  Either that or he's utterly clueless and he spoke without thinking.   

[Versacehottie]

19 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

@Versacehottie, hey I appreciate your response and thank you for your balanced opinion.  You are absolutely right in that I am reactionary to this kind of thing.  Which, of course, is the reason why I posted here so I could get some outside views on it.  Just not sure why I'm attracting this scenario to myself.

Maybe other women aren't necessarily offended by guys saying/doing this kind of thing and just let it slide?  Or maybe they shut it down faster than I do and just calmly walk away.  Either way, I feel frustrated by the pattern.

I had another recent attempt with a guy a friend set me up with who started getting handsy in a movie theater.  No big deal until he full on grabbed my belly.  I mean gave it a big honk and didn't let go until I physically pulled his hand off.  Frustrating.

To the bolded, I would guess that you aren't the only one who attracts this type of scenario to yourself!! I would say lots of us do in various ways...It's just how you react to them that might make it feel like it's only you or that you are getting your unfair share.

I wouldn't say other women let it slide--they just aren't intertwining their insecurities into the mix as much and getting confused by the scenario. It would be super clear to you if your body confidence was secure/unshakable. As someone said above (i forgot who, sorry!), you would see this as a HIM problem rather than a YOU problem and would sort of let it roll off your back. Because it would be obvious that it's his perception/opinion only and not your reality. In fact, he didn't say he doesn't like your body, he just (crudely) stated a preference. I think it would be silly to believe that guys DON'T have them!!!! They do, of course. Same as you do. While you might have not pointed it out to him, I'm sure he doesn't exactly look, in every way, like YOUR dream person.

Now about the let it slide stuff--which do you mean? I think in a dating scenario where you don't even know this guy from before, there probably is no basis for a friendship...so maybe you are "doing this to yourself" by continuing to allow contact, wanting to sleep with him still (i missed that, I'll admit so I need to read it but saw in others' responses). I think the majority of women who probably write him off so that's another reason they wouldn't be bothered. IF they still were considering him, they might drop him down in importance. It sounds like you are probably too attached, invested and want to see it through for that that reason even though he's thrown up some possible red flags. That alone would create internal conflict. I would say if you body confidence was more secure and you didn't (over)value his opinion or presence in your life, you would be able to move forward either way, pretty comfortably, ie either drop him, knowing you have many more options in this world OR go on a date with him and assess from there. 

Hmmm, Idk about the movie theater guy. The only legitimate guess I have without more information that leads back to something YOU can control, is perhaps you are too "up for it" in the things you say or do, giving people the wrong impression of your value or intentions. OR it's possible he was just a pest--who knows? (and that you can't control other than deciding not to go out with him again!)

[mark clemson]

On 4/30/2023 at 5:09 AM, Classicfiction said:

What do yall think?

The sum total of my personal experiences is that during the early "rapport" stages the less said about sex and women's bodies the better. Some men go right for the sexual flirting and perhaps it works with some women, but as your post shows the potential to make a misstep that "shuts everything down" is high, even if stuff is genuinely intended as "lighthearted". Generalizations about women are to be avoided as well, unless they're reasonable/grounded ones that are positive in nature.

If you are attractive (and that includes having good social skills), it doesn't all that much matter what you talk about as long as it is friendly and good conversation. The woman will either find you interesting or sometimes not. So "missteps" such as turning to sexual talk overly quickly are to be avoided.

I suspect that yes, these heavy texters are indeed trying to build rapport. Their purpose will vary I suppose, depending on what they may be looking for in a relationship, so it's not necessarily always a red flag. For me, meeting in person is always superior to texting, but that probably isn't always feasible. I don't think I have great texting skills.

I would note that your body issues/insecurities couldn't be "triggered" by talk of larger butts if you didn't have them. That's not to bash you or anything, and of course not having any is easier said than done, but perhaps it's something you might work on for your own happiness sake?

There are probably women who have the opposite insecurity WRT to "butt size" and so it's quite possible this guy has found that explaining he "likes that" makes SOME women actually feel more at ease with him/less scared of rejection? He may just be doing what he knows. That said, for me I've found it better to simply avoid such talk in the early stages.

Edited May 1, 2023 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

That quick turn around though!  Not sure I've ever been turned off so rapidly before.

Exactly. He may be a great guy in other areas of his life, but if he's talking at you like a rump roast, it's definitely time to pull the plug.

[Alpacalia]

It's just a stupid compulsion, and he can't stop himself. It really doesn't have anything to do with you.

Don't feel bad. Sounds like someone hasn't grown into his classy man-card yet.

[Classicfiction]

Well dang, it looks like my language was an issue in my post.  Anyway, the purpose of my offering friendship with this man was not that I want to be his friend.  Unfortunately it was driven by a desire to lead him on.  And the particular booty convo ended with me asking him how long he could go without sex, 6 months to a year?  Him asking me why I asked and me saying nothing.  Very juvenile, I am aware.  He is still texting me.  I have lost interest.

I'm taking note of what you guys are saying regarding keeping my self worth from becoming intertwined in dating.  I also think you may be right that I'm allowing more than I should be and wasting energy on pointless encounters.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

Well dang, it looks like my language was an issue in my post.  Anyway, the purpose of my offering friendship with this man was not that I want to be his friend.  Unfortunately it was driven by a desire to lead him on.  And the particular booty convo ended with me asking him how long he could go without sex, 6 months to a year?  Him asking me why I asked and me saying nothing.  Very juvenile, I am aware.  He is still texting me.  I have lost interest.

Sounds like both of you could do with learning to treat others with respect.   I'm now suspecting that both of you were actively winding the other up and there's more context to why he said what he did.  

 

 

[stillafool]

I'm old enough to remember when a certain group of women would get highly offended if anyone even hinted that their butts were getting big.  My how times have changed.

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I'm old enough to remember when a certain group of women would get highly offended if anyone even hinted that their butts were getting big.  My how times have changed.

Yep, "Does my bum look big in this?" was a loaded question. Then along came Kim Kardashian and in the blink of an eye it was all the rage to have a rear that can be seen from the moon.