How common is it for people to marry/spend the rest of their life with their partner from High School?

[Bob Jones]

I'm 23M and have never dated for variety of reasons. Recently, I finished school and got a decent paying job, lost a ton of weight, and worked very hard at expanding my social circle. I finally feel I am ready to date, however, I have hit a major road block: every girl I meet has a boyfriend. I know it's common for women to say they have a boyfriend as gentle rejection, however, in the case I have met most of their boyfriends, so I know they aren't lying. All these girls are in the 21-23 age range, and all have claimed to be with their boyfriends for 4-6 years. I've talked about this with older friends and relatives before, and they told me I'm crazy and that girls don't like to commit so young, but I can not deny the evidence I see right in front of my face.

Is it too late for me? It really feels like everyone paired off in their teens. It's hard to not feel hopeless when I've never even kissed a girl before, while all the other men my age are moving in with their high school sweethearts and talking about marriage.

[stillafool]

Do you live in a small town where everyone is coupled up?  If so, move to a larger area with more people to meet.  It's somewhat normal for people to be coupled at a young age in small towns.

[Bob Jones]

I live in a very small town, but commute to a medium sized university town for work. Most of the women I was referring to in my post moved to this town for school from elsewhere, though most of the girls I know from my hometown are settling down with their high school partners as well.

And no, I will not be able to move for at least 4-5 for years due to work obligations.

[NuevoYorko]

There are hundreds of young women in any university town who don't have boyfriends.   You said every girl you meet has a boyfriend, and you've met "most of their boyfriends."  Obviously this represents a very small sample size of all the young women between 21 - 23 years of age in a college town.  

Keep trying.

[Bob Jones]

Any advice on how to do this? The only thing people do around here is go to bars and hang out with friends. I don't really like bars, so I mostly just hang out with people I meet through work or mutual friends, but it seems this has led me to exclusively hang out with couples and single guys.

[ShyViolet]

Too late?  At age 23?  Come on.  

It sounds like you are in a small-town situation and meeting people within the same small group of people.  You need to get out more, try to expand your horizons.  Of course there are single women in your age range.

[Atwood]

You're only 23 and just finished school. I know it feels like we're behind all the time, but you've barely got started with your life. Keep focusing on the trajectory of your career and personal development and you will have plenty to bring to the table when someone available and that you really like comes along. 

[Bob Jones]

As I said, I have literally zero first hand experience with dating or anything romantic. I really feel like women in the 25+ age bracket have little tolerance for someone who doesn't have relationship and sexual experience, preferring someone who knows what they are doing. I wish I could just focus fully on improving myself, like I have for the past few years, but I am quickly approaching the point of no return where my inexperience will be seen as "weird" (tbh it already is by a lot of people, which is why I try not to disclose it), and automatically disqualify me from any potential relationship.

[NuevoYorko]

If you're 23,  you don't necessarily need  to think about what women over 25 are tolerant about.   There are loads of girls your age who don't have experience themselves.  There are women over 25 in the same situation, for that matter.

You're overthinking.  Probably it would be beneficial to try some OLD, at least to get used to meeting some women you find attractive and to start developing some social skills that will help you with dating.  If you do this, please talk to someone you trust about putting your profile and pictures together for the most fortuitous outcome.  

This might not lead to anything serious but you will get some experience interacting with women in a dating - like situation.

[Bob Jones]

I've already tried online dating. I did get a few matches, but they all lived very far away and we never really got passed awkward small talk. I understand that I'm not the only one in this boat, male or female, but it makes me worry a lot when I see others get exposed for being in a similar situation to mine, only to be decried "incel" or "creepy" by everyone.

 

Also, I don't think my social skills are bad as people generally seem to like me, I just never seem to meet anyone who wasn't already taken like 8 years ago.

[NuevoYorko]

18 minutes ago, Bob Jones said:

I've already tried online dating. I did get a few matches, but they all lived very far away and we never really got passed awkward small talk. I understand that I'm not the only one in this boat, male or female, but it makes me worry a lot when I see others get exposed for being in a similar situation to mine, only to be decried "incel" or "creepy" by everyone.

 

Also, I don't think my social skills are bad as people generally seem to like me, I just never seem to meet anyone who wasn't already taken like 8 years ago.

If you're actually 23 years old, your claims that you've "already tried" much of anything are practically ludicrous.  You didn't give it very much of a try - there are people here who are twice your age, maybe more,  who have been dating for years.  

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Bob Jones said:

 it makes me worry a lot when I see others get exposed for being in a similar situation to mine, only to be decried "incel" or "creepy" by everyone.

Being single doesn't mean that you'll get tagged as incel or creepy. 

Incel is a how a particular subset of single men choose to self identify, along with following the ethos of that group.   As for 'creepy', married or single men can be called creepy.  It's a reflection of their behaviour, not their status as a single guy.

2 hours ago, Bob Jones said:

Also, I don't think my social skills are bad as people generally seem to like me, I just never seem to meet anyone who wasn't already taken like 8 years ago.

I've seen all kinds of outcomes.  Yes, I know a number of people who married their HS sweetheart.  I know a number who spent years with their HS sweetheart and then broke up.  And I know women who weren't dating when they were young.  

I do however find it odd that there's no single young women.  Are 100% of the local girls in relationships?  Or just the ones you're interested in?

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Bob Jones said:

 I am quickly approaching the point of no return where my inexperience will be seen as "weird"

No one should even know your "dating experience". It's irrelevant. You don't discuss that with women you date anyway.

There's a lot you can do . Get a good profile and pics on quality ( including one paid app) and start talking to and meeting local available women. Set your criteria for age and distance appropriately. It's unrealistic to believe that most women under 23 or 25 are married.

Do you work? Go to school? Have a car? Your own place?  

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons.

That way you can make friends, meet all sorts of people including women you see and talk to regularly.

The idea that there's no single women under 25 within a reasonable radius of where you live doesn't seem accurate.

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, Bob Jones said:

all the other men my age are moving in with their high school sweethearts and talking about marriage.

Real talk here:

I am 42 and also from a very small town. I watched many highschool sweethearts get married. And now at our age, maybe only half of those couples are still married today. Several divorced.  Marrying your highschool boyfriend or girlfriend does not automatically mean happy ever after, is my point. Don't panic. 

I moved to a big city after high school to pursue higher education and a career path that I couldn't have done in my hometown. And the demographic was quite different. It is far more common in bigger urban areas for young people to do other things with their lives first, establish themselves and then settle down with someone. 

At 23, you're very young. Don't limit yourself just because you see your buddies settling down right now. There are many 23-year-olds out there who would balk at the idea of marrying that young, so don't worry.

[understand50]

OK,

So I am a bit of a outlier.  I married my older High School sweet hart and have stayed together 50 plus years. Yes, marriage like mine do have to have a higher then "normal" divorce rate, but many marriages do "make" it.  Really your issue is not marring early, but finding the right woman to marry.  Well, the first thing is to take risks.  I find, my own observations, that most guys and girls are so rapped up in finding the perfect match, that they pass up on many good things.   Take chances.  talk to woman.  Keep an open mind.  Look for compatibility, rather then just a list of physical  attributes.  Having a good personality is the key. Date them, not just talk to them.  In talking to my younger single friends, most can not get past just trying to be friends with a woman, with out wondering what they want.  The goal of never being taken advantage of, supersedes everything else.  Guess what.  A marriage is a partnership, and your both take advantage of each other as life demands. Her morals, are important, more than anything else.  Yours, will also be judged, so keep yourself to a high standard.  Look for some serious about life and herself, be the same.

So...  Get married now if you find the right one.  Work at getting married.  Actively look for a good partner.  Look 10 years older then yourself, and 5 year younger.    Your 23, so 33 and 18 years or older.  Keeping yourself, until your bed a certain number, or reach a certain age, or make enough money, will only lead to you putting off, and not have years you could have had.  Or, never getting married, despite all the opportunities you are offered. This is not rocket Science. 

My two Cents, and I wish your luck.

[mark clemson]

On 4/30/2023 at 7:03 AM, Bob Jones said:

Is it too late for me? It really feels like everyone paired off in their teens. It's hard to not feel hopeless when I've never even kissed a girl before, while all the other men my age are moving in with their high school sweethearts and talking about marriage.

I see others get exposed for being in a similar situation to mine, only to be decried "incel" or "creepy" by everyone.

Incel is as incel does. If you're not sabotaging your relationships, berating the world for how lonely and bitter you are (and hopefully you aren't bitter), simultaneously hating women and yet needing them for "validation as a person," and spouting negative stereotypes about them, you shoudn't have to worry about. Just play it cool.

Even if someone labels you an "incel" when you're not one (what a dick move) just laugh it off. Mature adults don't pull stuff like that, although not all adults are mature. In dating, "it just hasn't happened for you yet."

Life is a marathon, not a sprint. I did have a dry spell in my early 20's and I do remember how it can feel lonely. However, things often get better, not worse for men as they age. Some men "come into their own" romantically in their 30's or in some cases even as late as their 40's and 50's. They tend to have their pick of available women around that time, not infrequently pairing with substantially younger ones.

Women in their 20's are often about "weeding out" from many potential options among men. Women in the 30+ set start looking for different things, like talent, career stability and "have an established place in society" and they can get a LOT less fussy if they're single or divorced. For better or worse, unless they're stunningly attractive, the worm turns and they start to face more of an uphill battle. So, you're nowhere near done. There are PLENTY of men who make it through lonely periods in their 20's and come out great once they're past that phase.

And yes, as pointed out above, many of these first marriages end in divorce. It's exceedingly common, which is one reason why the ones that don't are "celebrated."

Edited May 1, 2023 by mark clemson