Is she 'just a friend'

[rainrhonda]

I am in a LDR with a guy that also used to be just friend, as he used to live in my town but moved a few years ago. Since then the friendship grew into much more, although being LDR has had its issues. We only see each other a few times a year. It makes me insecure because he is a flirty guy by nature. We've had these talks and he assured me multiple times he is not interested in any women. He runs a business of his own. He is friends with a husband /wife and he was part of their wedding. On social media they appear to hang out often.... Without the husband. Not mention she is very attractive, perfect body, perfect everything . I went to visit him recenty, and he had friends in the bar we went to. She was there , without the husband. My guy introduced us, we got along well & it was a fun night with his friends. She was telling me how "gorgeous " and great I am, while alone she made a point say they are just friends & that my guy is like family to her. She also informed me that she is now helping him to run his business. Later that night , my guy said all his friends loved me and he seemed happy about that. 

For last couple months he has been a tad distant & doesn't text me as often. Before I went to see him, he explained he has alot going on and mentioned there are "friends who need me". After I came back from the trip, his distance continues although he says he misses me. Also continue to see them often hanging out on social media. She says that her & husband don't go out together but calls him a "good" husband. She posts videos of her & my guy on social media so it doesn't appear to be something secretive. Today I caught a video of them dancing/goofing off at a bar, and he made what appeared to be an attempt to fondle her, but appeared to be kidding around and she brushed him away but was laughing. This video was published by someone else there, and I don't think they were aware of being filmed. I don't think they have something going on.. But I am wondering if he has the Hots 4 her and since he sees her more than he sees me, it would explain his distance lately. Perhaps he wants her to return the feelings but she doesn't , which always seems to make men want you even more. He was impressed at how well I got along with his friends and even tho he's been sordof distant , he apologizes and explains himself, etc. He will be here all summer and we talked about how we look forward to that. We are generally getting along nicely so if ask him about this, it will just be another episode of my insecurity that he is probably gets tired of dealing with. Plus, I don't want to appear overly jealous. 

A few months back, we initiated a talk about what our future together may look like, it caused a little tension between us so we agreed to put off the conversation for awhile. That's when the distance started. I don't know if he just wants space to think about that, or if he is distracted by his attractive friend ? No one knows except him, I am aware. So from an outside perspective , do I sound too insecure, or is it logical for me to wonder? Thank you. 

Edited April 30, 2023 by rainrhonda

[NuevoYorko]

I don't know about this friendship of his, but I would say that definitely you need to have a talk about what both of you are looking for from this relationship and put some kind of a timeline in place.  The fact that the topic caused tension and then distance would be very concerning to me if I were in your shoes and I'd take that seriously.

[rainrhonda]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

I don't know about this friendship of his, but I would say that definitely you need to have a talk about what both of you are looking for from this relationship and put some kind of a timeline in place.  The fact that the topic caused tension and then distance would be very concerning to me if I were in your shoes and I'd take that seriously

Yes, I took it seriously and I let him know that... We had a good talk about it, since then he is coming around more and he is more like his normal self, there is still just a little sense of distance , but it's improved. We plan to talk more about our relationship when we can do so face to face, which is just 4 weeks away. There is a possibility it will either make us or break us. Before me ,he had a marriage that was mentally damaging for him.. and I had never talked about our future before.. it's just taken a long time to reach that point. I think it threw him off a bit, but since I backed off & gave him space 2 think, he has shown me his appreciation for doing that  But I still don't know how I feel about this "friendship" of his. 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, rainrhonda said:

. We plan to talk more about our relationship when we can do so face to face, which is just 4 weeks away. 

Great idea to have a talk about all the things going on face-to-face. There's too much guesswork in LDRs when it comes to social media and fidelity.

[rainrhonda]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Great idea to have a talk about all the things going on face-to-face. There's too much guesswork in LDRs when it comes to social media and fidelity.

Yes ! And now that we are coming back from tension, I don't want to ruin it. For now we just need a short break on the serious stuff and we know that face to face is better. I even met the woman and she was boasting to him about how much she likes me. This made him happy. She made a point to let me know where they stand right off the bat, and he was affectionate with me in front of her. You'd think this is enough comfort for my insecurity, but it's not. However now is bad time to force that talk over text, etc. Plus if he thinks I'm starting drama, he will just go tell his "friend" then I will lose her approval, which I don't want. I was flattered that he wanted his friends to meet me and I had a good time with them. Why I want to let my paranoia get in the way, Idk. 

[BrinnM]

I’m getting the impression that he likes her more than he should. I am also getting the impression that - because they spend so much time together - there’s a certain risk of them ending up doing something that they shouldn’t. And whether or not this will happen, and/or when, will totally depend on her giving a green light. They’re both in relationships, yes, and she’s married, but you and her husband don’t seem to be around much. So there’s that.
 

Plus, you’re LD, and if he’s a “normal” male, he’s very likely to look elsewhere, especially for physical intimacy. If he goes to bars a lot (with or without his female friend), then he will certainly have a few opportunities here and there.

I don’t think that at this point in time, given the situation, you can call what you have a “relationship” at all. Spending a few days together twice a year is hardly a relationship. I’m glad you’ll get to spend the whole summer together, though. Maybe you can discuss the future of your relationship during that time. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, rainrhonda said:

we initiated a talk about what our future together may look like, it caused a little tension between us

I actually find this more concerning than his friendship with this woman.

Why did a talk about the future cause tension? Is he reluctant to discuss long-term plans?  How long have you been together?

[smackie9]

In reality you haven't actually "dated" that much, so I can see his apprehension. How can future plans happen or be talked about unless you relocate. Are you planning to move there and get your own place?