Don't live together for more than 2 years

[1Badnana]

I've been living with the same man for more than 30 years.  It bothered me that he wouldn't marry me off and on during that time.  Now that we are both senior citizens, the consequences of not being married are becoming very clear to me.  My advice to anyone who decides "shacking up" is a better alternative to getting married?  Think again!  Do not think for one minute there are advantages to not being married; there aren't.  With one exception, you can walk away at any time with only what you brought with you.  In my situation, I stay because I have no where else to go.  I've allowed him exert financial control over me.  Our finances aren't comingled.  I've always paid my own way.  He doesn't support me financially.  Yet, because my name is not on our house, if I leave, I leave with nothing.  I'm angry with myself.  I know in my heart I have two choices....1) leave and be free or 2) out live him so I don't end up homeless.  The choice may seem simple enough.  Yet, it isn't.  Do I really want to waste the years I have left?  Can I handle the consequences that will come if I leave? 

Life is difficult and time flies by.  The person I was when we met in my mid 20s is certainly not the person I am today in my mid 50s.  I look at the world around me know how much worse my life and situation could be.  Am I ungrateful?  No, I'm just not happy.  Is that his fault?  Absolutely not.  So what do I do?  Up until now I've done nothing of any real significance.  I know I need to change.  I must take control of my life and depend on only myself.  The only person who controls my happiness is me.  I'm tired of giving in and giving up.  it's time to stand up and face the onslot regardless of what happens.  Am I afraid?  I'm terrified.  But, I refuse to die living like I have.  People will give you a million excuses and justifications for not getting married.  It's all bullshit.  

I knew from the beginning he didn't want to get married.  I thought I could change his mind.  I should have left in my 30s.  Fear held me back.  I should have left in my 40s.  Fear held me back.  Now, late into my 50s, I cannot allow fear to hold me back.  In our society, marriage is more than just a piece of paper.  It's a statement to the world of solidarity,  commitment, and unity.    

 

[rainrhonda]

My guy is also in his 50s but he doesnt want to get married after having 1 terrible marriage already . I am ok with it because I've just never desired to be married. We are happy. So it is possibe to be happy without marriage, as not everyone desires it. Your guy is one of those people but you made a choice to stick it out. In doing that, you now resent him because you hoped he would change. The result is perhaps you don't feel in love with him anymore. If you are financially Independent , and have a support system like friends, family, and want to start fresh, you can make it happen with some effort and planning. I wouldn't say leave him because he won't get married - but leave if you are not happy. The mistake isn't living with someone too long, the mistake was giving up your hopes and desires knowing he may never fulfill them. The advice should be, don't wait for someone to change because in the end you have regrets and feel "stuck". 

Only you can say what decision would be best for you, it sounds to me that you already know what that is, but there is always fear with big changes. Maybe figure out if that's a fear you want to face, maybe talk with him about how you are feeling , and perhaps you can come to a decision based on that conversation . 

[BaileyB]

55 minutes ago, 1Badnana said:

Yet, because my name is not on our house, if I leave, I leave with nothing. 

Have you consulted a lawyer? The law will vary depending on where you live, but where I live, you would not leave with nothing as his common law partner of thirty years. For example, you would be entitled to half of his pension or retirement saving. 

Was the home purchase prior to your relationship? Because, if it was acquired during your time together - you have some entitlement. 

It would be very unwise to assume that you are entitled to nothing if you have not sought a legal opinion. Do that tomorrow - if you haven’t already. 

Edited April 30, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Sorry, I meant to say also - if he owned the home prior to your cohabitation, you may be entitled to part of the value of the appreciation of the home - which would be significant given the length of time you lived together.

Edited April 30, 2023 by BaileyB

[semble]

1 hour ago, 1Badnana said:

 In our society, marriage is more than just a piece of paper.  It's a statement to the world of solidarity,  commitment, and unity.   

Disagree. Given the high divorce rate, over 50% and the high percentage of remaining "intact" marriages where the couples are only together for financial reasons, or the kids, or fear of starting over, marriage is a meaningless outdated concept that is nothing more than a financial trap for the higher earning spouse.

You seem rather resentful of your partner despite your claim that you don't "blame him" or however you put it. He is not responsible for where you are in your life, we're responsible for our own decisions and their outcomes, both the good and the bad.

 

 

[Weezy1973]

You’re considered common law married in most jurisdictions which provides the exact same protections and provisions as marriage. 

[basil67]

I've been common law for 30 years.  Where I live, we are viewed us as a married couple for everything from assets to tax to medical issues. 

It's best to get some legal advice so that you know exactly what your rights are.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, 1Badnana said:

In our society, marriage is more than just a piece of paper.  It's a statement to the world of solidarity,  commitment, and unity. 

If that were true, the divorce rate wouldn't be so high. 

A marriage certificate does not mean a couple is solid and committed. Try not to place blame where it's not due. This isn't really about being married or not. It's about you not making the best choices for your own life. 

[Els]

Like others have said, in many jurisdictions you would be considered common-law married. In mine, in fact, your advice would be rather ironic because 2 years is exactly when the relationship starts to qualify as common-law...

That being said, don't you think there are quite a few issues here beyond "living with someone for more than 2 years"? For instance:

• Being in a relationship with someone who has explicitly said they don't want to get married, when you yourself do
• Thinking you can change someone
• Buying a house together without your name being on the title

There are many people who have chosen to live together for more than 2 years without being homeless when they leave. It is a combination of your decisions that have led to this outcome... and that's assuming that common law marriage isn't recognized in your jurisdiction. You should definitely talk to a lawyer.

[BettyDraper]

In many jurisdictions, common law partners have the same legal rights as spouses. This is especially true if common law partners have been together for decades. 

I agree with everything you said about shacking up. If a woman wants marriage, she needs to refrain from shacking up without at least an engagement ring and date set. 

A woman should not stay with a man longer than 2 years if she wants marriage as well. Men don't need several years to know if a woman is The One. 

My first husband proposed after 1 year and 8 months. My fiance proposed after 10 months. My fiance also let me know that he was dating for marriage on the 2nd date. 

[Measure]

You are right that you aren’t the same person in your 20’s as you are in your 50’s but so many people get married for the wrong reason.  Personally the only reason I see to get married is if a couple is planning on raising a family. 

Aside from that, getting the government in the middle of a relationship is all bad if you ask me.  It took me and my ex-wife 8 years to divorce after we split.  We had full agreement as far as all the assets.  We didn’t want to get lawyers involved.  We didn’t want to have a messy divorce.  We still loved each other and were very good friends.  The courts fought us the whole way.  In addition, my next partner is still pissed about the 8 years we were together that I was still married, 5 years later, and she and my ex-wife are like sisters now.  Doesn’t matter though I still hear about how long it took me to get divorced.

[Mrin]

Three thoughts:

1. It doesn't sound like you're saying that marriage would have made you happy. It just would have made you more whole financially when you chose to leave. 

2. As others have said, most likely you would be granted common law status and would be made as whole as a legally married spouse if you chose to leave. So what's your problem? Just find an attorney and leave.

3. You are in your 50s and you call yourself a senior citizen? Sweet Jesus. I'm in my 50s and I go to sex parties. I do things now that would make my 30-year-old version faint. I'm stronger now than I ever have been. I travel the world, climb mountains and flyfish naked. I usually have sex twice a day. If this is being a senior citizen then well... being a senior citizen rocks! Seriously this is some really good @#&!.

I don't mean to be insensitive but it sounds like you are in a prison of your own imagination.

Mrin

Edited May 12, 2023 by Mrin