Is 8 months dating too soon to talk about a future together?

[Gaeta]

I know it's too soon to take actions toward a future together but how about talking about it? 

I'm thinking I need that security. My ex and I were together 5 years and when it came time to talk about our future, like officially moving together or buying a house,  he was always vague. 

[Alpacalia]

I wouldn't defer to past relationships as a benchmark.

It's a new relationship that's unique to the two of you.

Moving in together is when the rubber meets the road. Make sure you know how stable the tires are.

Focus on how you both feel. Are your needs being met, and is he content as well? If the answer is affirmative, then it's likely that you're heading in the right direction.

So to answer your question, I obviously don’t think it’s too soon to have the conversation. As far as timeframes go, I think it's completely fair to talk about it, and it's more sensible to actually discuss it than assume anything. Ultimately, what matters is your comfort level and his. I don't think there is ever a time when there should be any fear or apprehension about discussing your goals or what you want in the long run. You can strengthen your compatibility (or find out if you are incompatible).

Whatever you decide good luck and all the best.

[ShyViolet]

I think it would be ok to mention it in passing, in very vague terms, like just gauging whether moving in together eventually is something both of you would want down the road.  That's it.  But you should not be making plans for anything like that at this point.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I know it's too soon to take actions toward a future together but how about talking about it?

Exchanging views and ideas is a good thing. How do you feel things are going?

[Gaeta]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exchanging views and ideas is a good thing. How do you feel things are going?

Wonderful. We're still in the honeymoon phase,  we never had a disagreenent, we can't wait to be together.

I don't want to live in this perfect world too long, l want him & l to get to the good part...real life. 

[Lotsgoingon]

This is fluid. It's sorta like you signal you have long-term interest more and more as time goes on. 

But if you're getting concerned, then you can say something. I don't think you want go mum too long if you aren't hearing words you want to hear. Going silent to play the game--that's not where you want to go in my view. 

And if you broaching this subject scares him away, then you know that you and he weren't on the same page. 

I think your question is a good one. There are times when I've dated women with enthusiasm with zero interest in anything long term. It was like, hey there, I was there, why not date. I was enjoying myself. Didn't mean I had a long-term interest. 

[basil67]

If you were both 20yo with little relationship experience, I'd tell you to slow it down.   But you're a smart adult with life and relationship experience.  And assumedly, you know what you want and what a good relationship looks like - so it's not too soon.

In your shoes, I would have ascertained broadly what he's looking for after the first few dates.  LTR?  Casual?  Don't know?   As a relationship minded kind of person, I wouldn't waste further time on a guy who didn't have an eye to a long term relationship.   So then, assuming that he's relationship minded and we stay together, 8 months in would be a time when I'd open a conversation about how things are feeling really good between us.  I'd put that sentence out there and let it hang to see what he says.  And from there, a conversation can be started. 

Thing is, I think that unless one gets really intense or needy, it's pretty hard to scare away someone who's really into you and wants a future with you.  And if they do scare away, then they weren't the right person for you.

Have you actually discussed broadly what he's looking for?  I'd hate for you to waste further time on a guy who's got no idea what he wants and isn't smitten enough to commit. 

Edited April 30, 2023 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

I think that 8 months in is a completely appropriate time for mature people to have had some kind of talks about this.  

Do you know where he stands at all?   IMO you ought to.  It's more important as we're growing older that we don't waste our time.

 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Have you actually discussed broadly what he's looking for?

Yes, it's one of the very first questions l ask before even meeting. He was looking for a long term relatioship. I did not go deeper at that time, l did not even know if we would like each other enough to date, the answer was good enough at the time.

He tells me he's crazy in love with me (me too) and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. That's romantic alright! But i'm practical so l want to know exactly what that means lol. And it feels like we're both too shy to open about .

[NuevoYorko]

You'll probably want to look for an opening.  Next time he says something like that, see if you can ask him something along the lines of "what are you picturing that to look like?" 

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Yes, it's one of the very first questions l ask before even meeting. He was looking for a long term relatioship. I did not go deeper at that time, l did not even know if we would like each other enough to date, the answer was good enough at the time.

He tells me he's crazy in love with me (me too) and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. That's romantic alright! But i'm practical so l want to know exactly what that means lol. And it feels like we're both too shy to open about .

Ah well this is all looking very good!   Perhaps open a conversation about how you're so very happy with what you have together and are wondering how he sees the future should things keep going as well as they are now

[Lotsgoingon]

Ok, so he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. That's significant. 

So what is it you want? Specific use of the word "marriage"? Or is there some odd inexplicable feeling you have that long term plans aren't clear? That can happen and I'm of the "trust your gut' school. I remember walking down the street one time with a woman I was dating and I KNEW something was wrong, though nothing in her words say so. It was just the most subtle body language and tone to her speaking.

And I was proved right in short order.  Not saying that is what's going on here, but wondering why "want to spend my life with you" isn't enough. 

Edited May 1, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Gaeta]

29 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So what is it you want? Specific use of the word "marriage"? Or is there some odd inexplicable feeling you have that long term plans aren't clear? That can happen and I'm of the "trust your gut' school.

I'm not looking for marriage but l would like we work toward a common goal like living together or setting up our lives so we can have a semi-family life. 

It's the first time, in years,  l feel 'in a hurry' to merge my life with someone else. Like my time is limited. Well it is, i'm 57 yo the good years ahead are few and precious.

[Ami1uwant]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I know it's too soon to take actions toward a future together but how about talking about it? 

I'm thinking I need that security. My ex and I were together 5 years and when it came time to talk about our future, like officially moving together or buying a house,  he was always vague. 

Talking about marriage/ living together should start around thst time on long term future vs you are wasting your time.

[Weezy1973]

Nope not too soon. Perfect timing really. Sounds really good so far!

[Gaeta]

I'm glad to see i'm not ahead of the process! Like suggested l have to open doors for these discussions to take place.

[Alvi]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I know it's too soon to take actions toward a future together but how about talking about it? 

Having a discussion regarding a future and actually moving in together are not the same. Too soon? Not at all. This is something that should be very briefly discussed after couple of dates. Well, at least in my book. I would not want to date a guy, knowing that he never wants to move in or to get married, ever. You should definitely find out what he feels or how he wants relationship to progress or not progress after 8 month of solid dating. 

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

My ex and I were together 5 years and when it came time to talk about our future, like officially moving together or buying a house,  he was always vague. 

Being vague is an answer. We do not want to see or believe it, but it is almost always a no. You probably should have wished him well and moved on first or second time (ok, a third time for sure)  he could not come up with anything definite. So, better to find out where your current BF stands before wasting years and years on him.

[Alvi]

Gaeta. I just read this post:

You really should have a convo with your BF regarding how he feels about getting married or at least living together. You really don't want to waste 30 years of your life with someone who is not on the same page as you are. I am not saying that you want or need to get married a week from now, but you need to have at least some idea how he feels.

[Lotsgoingon]

Often this life-together thing happens organically over time. People don't necessarily announce it to themselves--they just sorta do it. 

I agree with the rest of the board here: eight months is definitely not too soon to get more clarity. 

[Alpacalia]

Your future is important to him, and he said that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. So yes, it would be okay to discuss what he envisions and both your desires in a relationship.

I was asked to move in with a long-term partner. Taking such a big step was a big commitment for me, and I wasn't sure if I was ready for it. It was a learning experience that taught me a lot about relationships and communication. It also showed me that there is no one-size-fits-all solution to relationships.

It already sounds like he's in it long-term. You don't need to hold hands or gaze into each other's eyes. Talk casually. You’re expressing your hopes and dreams for the future and listening to his. There is no pressure to make a decision here; this is just a conversation between two people to see how you both feel and if your goals align.

[Blind-Sided]

On 4/30/2023 at 2:50 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Exchanging views and ideas is a good thing. How do you feel things are going?

I'm with Wiswman with this one.  It really depends on how you both feel, and how you interreact with each other.  With my last GF... I allowed her to move into my house early on... and we talked about future plans.  But, it turned out she was [cheating]. LOL.   With the current girl I'm seeing... I don't know if I actually see a future with her or not. Unfortunately, that's the talk I had with her the other night. 

Regardless... since I'm assuming you aren't a kid... it's good to have a talk of some kind to know if you are on the same page. 

Edited May 2, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Gaeta]

So I asked a very broad question on the subject of living with someone again and he answered he had decided after his divorce that he would not live with someone again but since he's met me, and seeing how our love is easy, stress free & very fulfilling for both of us,  that he caught himself thinking this is something he would like with me. 

Now, I need to let the process happen naturally !

[mark clemson]

Concurring with a lot of folks that it's not too soon to start talking about it, a bit soon for action on it.

[Lotsgoingon]

Now the challenge for you Gaeta is to NOT attempt to rescue him or insulate him from his fears in order to help him keep undoing his fear of living with someone. A trap for a person in your situation is to try to make things easy for him, to not pressure him and so on.  You can be kind for sure. You can be mindful of his fears. But don't be overly "nice" in order to make the living together happen. 

Actually in my experience, you just want to be yourself. He has to face down any fears he has with only gentle encouragement from you. In other words, don't lower your standards and expectations and criticisms or worries based on avoiding triggering his fears. 

[free_radicals]

17 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I'm not looking for marriage but l would like we work toward a common goal like living together or setting up our lives so we can have a semi-family life. 

It's the first time, in years,  l feel 'in a hurry' to merge my life with someone else. Like my time is limited. Well it is, i'm 57 yo the good years ahead are few and precious.

I'd say if you're in a 'hurry' and still in the honeymoon phase, then your feelings are steering you rather than logic. I'd give it more time to let things mellow out a bit. What I've come across (and likely will practice myself) is to not move in with anyone for at least 2 years. One step at a time- first talk move in (when the time is right- more time is needed here IMO), THEN once that happens (and the time is right), THEN talk marriage (if you change your mind), and so on. Not everything at once when you don't even know if your lifestyles are compatible.

Edited May 1, 2023 by free_radicals
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