Dating but yet to commit

[shalina1789]

Long story short, been best friends w this guy for 10 years, we‘ve always liked each other but always dated other people. 2020-2023 lost contact, i reached out early January and he asked me to date him end of jan. We’ve been dating since.

It’s long distance, about 1hr45 mins between us. We booked a holiday together about 3 days ago, my mum speaks to him regularly as she knows we’re dating. His parents know about/of me as do his sisters who I follow on instagram. We’ve spoken about marriage a few times already, kids etc our futures together. And the ILY’s have been said, he’s always the one to say it first. We dont say it regularly at all, it’s probably been said about 3 times since we’ve been dating. 
Now of course, he is yet to commit to me. I’ve already asked him when he would be likely to, i asked this very lightly and playfully as I didnt want to seem to pressure him. He said “in time, dont worry. Putting a label on this wont change anything”. That was around the end of march. Ofc since then things have progressed between us, though he still has not made it official? Our holiday is coming up end of may.

 

i’m having a moment of madness here as I was on twitter. And i just wanted to go to his twitter page as he released some new content. Im quite a relaxed and easy going person, rarely a jealous type. I just went into his likes for a second and saw it was just full of pictures of girls he has liked, like selfies of other girls. At first this didnt bother me as its harmless, they’re just likes which i can appreciate. Then I saw he had liked a tweet saying “i hope one day i can find someone who loves the way i do”. This kind of hit me a little bit as I’m now overthinking. Do you think its nothing to worry about? We fall asleep on the phone together every night and we facetime beforehand too, i told him i was feelinf a bit low and anxious and he was trying to get me to talk but i felt a bit silly telling him how i felt, so I said i’ll be fine. He said hes not gna accept that and i need to talk to him. He’s had a long day so I told him to sleep and i’ll be fine as i know he was really sleepy before i told him this. I wasnt letting it out and he eventually fell asleep which is fine. He texts me good morning every single day, without fail. 
i dont know if im being a bit silly over the tweet he liked, but then im scared hes maybe still playing the field. At the same time, all of the above between us points in a healthy direction and he could well make it official on holiday. Its takes precedence right? I think im just on edge as we didnt need to get to know each other, we skipped the talking stage cos we didnt need one. We know each other like the backs of our hands. So maybe im jumping the gun cos we’ve been dating 3 months now onto the 4th and though there is indication of long term goals here, im a bit on edge cos he hasnt made it official, and then ofc I see that tweet. He also asked me “do you feel like somethings wrong?” And my heart sank idk why. Im worrying cos hes not committed but hes made commitments. 

[stillafool]

I think you need to ask him again if you two are in a committed relationship.  There is no holiday until you commit.  What would this other holiday be about?

[NuevoYorko]

Um ... you started "dating" at the end of January?  It's now the end of April.  So, 3 months of "dating" long distance.

How much time have you actually spent with this guy, face to face?  Not counting online interactions?

When you were "best friends," how did you practice your friendship?  In real life or virtually?  i ask because I don't know of people who call themselves "best friends" who then "lose contact" for 3 years.   This is important, in my opinion, because you are saying that you know each other completely. You "didn't need a talking stage"?   I wonder about that, because making a commitment IS part of verbal communication.  A huge piece you're missing here.

I am  concerned that you have said "I love you" and you have your mother talking with him, and are talking about marriage, when the two of you have not even formally committed to one another.  His "like" of that comment is completely immaterial, from my perspective.  The other stuff is important.

Edited April 30, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, shalina1789 said:

. Im worrying cos hes not committed but hes made commitments. 

Try to slow down. This seems like too much too soon. How old is he? Are either of you freshly out of other relationships? Why did he suddenly contact you? 

What exactly do you mean by "commitment"? Dating exclusively? Getting engaged? Living together? Labels such as BF/GF? Are you concerned it's just casual sex/dating?

Unfortunately you don't seem secure in the relationship, but it's just been several weeks. Dating is to enjoy getting to know each other, not planning out the future.

Try to step back, try not to overinvest. Cut back on being on your phones 24/7 and falling asleep on the phone.

Give him a chance to miss you. See how your holiday goes and talk face-to-face then about being exclusive. 

Edited April 30, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

This doesn't make a lot of sense. You two talk about marriage and say "I love you", but you're not even a couple?

I think you need to dial back your expectations here, and not be glued to your phones so much. Falling asleep together on the phone every night is not healthy. It creates a sort of false intimacy when you're not even exclusive, and it's not sustainable in the long-run. 

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

How much time have you actually spent with this guy, face to face?  Not counting online interactions?

I was going to ask the same thing. 

[Alpacalia]

I am wondering what type of commitment we are talking about after 3-4 months? I would think that around 3 to 4 months most people would have an idea whether or not they would want to exclusively be with someone.

In the case of moving in together, making a lifelong commitment, getting married, etc., I can understand him wanting more time.

It's pretty big to throw around words like I love you and he wants to marry you and have kids with you. Given that he said he isn't ready for commitment, I find that a bit manipulative. Perhaps that wasn't his intention. He might not have that level of self-awareness.

Don't forecast too far into the future, just take it as it comes. In 2 or 3 months, if he says the same thing, maybe it was just a pleasant short-term relationship.

[JTSW]

What's the rush?

It's only been 3 months and most of that has been long distance.

This seems to be a common occurrence with you as he is not the only guy you have been this way with.

According to your post history you have dated quite a few guys and you have the same 'commitment' complaint about all of them.

I feel like this is why your relationships don't last long.

You seem to be in a rush to commit before you even get to know each other.

You need to stop and take a look at your own behaviour.

Edited May 2, 2023 by JTSW

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It is quite clear to me by what you have said here.  You both have known each other for 10 years and it was not until even January that he began to date you.  So you would now need to ask yourself This, "How long before he commits?"  He appears to be searching by the way he is Admiring other girls online and expressing himself with his "Love" statement.  It seems his honest feelings are coming out for the world to see.That should be a Red Flag to let you know he may only actually think of you as still a Bestie friend and is still searching for the love of his life.  You need to talk to him about this.  You would not want to waste your time on someone who may 🤫feel  like this and could never commit.