Am I in the wrong?

[AJess]

Hi all,

 

Just wanting some in put or help/advise.

I am 38 and my wife is 35, been married for 11 years together for 16. Lately we have been fighting a lot.

Now by no means am I perfect, but in my opinion I do try hard.

Just today, we got into an argument over me not having her back. For a little context, my wife comes from divorce parents, and I do not.

She ran into my parents at church on Friday and she was saying my dad was being rude and not excited to see her but was excited to see others. I asked both my parents about this and they said everything is fine and just my dad has been tired as of late. For a little back story, my dad was diagnosed with Lukemia a few years ago but has been cleared but has to take pills daily which is effecting him. I told my wife this and she was not happy with that. She said he hasn’t called to apologize. She is also saying that I never have her back. Another incident with my parents was when they were talking to her mom. She doesn’t have the best relationship with her mom, and she does not like the fact that they talk. Nothing is discussed about us, and I have seen her mom making a little effort but my wife does not see it this way. She despises her mom and feels that no one should talk to her. I don’t understand how my parents according to her are “ruining her relationship with her family”, maybe it’s just me not getting it.

Now my parents were at her moms house last year, and they do walk on egg shells around her as do I, and told her sister don’t tell he we are here. Now they should have not done that and I did tell them that, but this caused a big scene and she ended up calling my parents. There was a yelling fit, at the end when she came back from her trip my did call her to apologize but she still holds this against them. 

My parents have actually helped us more than her family, they gifted her the car, they paid for our down payment for our house as a wedding gift, have sent her money when she was away for Law school, they have done a lot.

That is one of my dilemma. When ever we get into an argument she belittles me, calls me names, has been physical with me, and calls my family losers and myself, also uses the word dumb and stupid a lot. I am not confrontational so I shut down. We have tried marriage counseling and I see my owner therapist as well.

I am not perfect, and but never been physical with her. She says I have not done anything, but while in Law school I supported her. She was across the country and I supported that. When that is brought up, she rubs it in my face saying other fiancés moves and husband why didn’t I. I had a good job and was moving up.

Yes, at times I am lazy and tired and am working on that, but I do care and love her but am tired of the fighting, walking on egg shells, and having to stress about her family and mine.

Her own dad lived with us for 2 years and I did not mind in fact encouraged it. She does not see that.

It’s also my grandma bday this weekend 90th, so I have family coming into town. I will say my wife has helped a lot with this and has all the ideas. I did make a mistake when I emailed everyone and did not sign off including her name as well. We were fighting when I sent the email and I was angry, but I was in the wrong and I did apologize,  but she keeps on bringing it up. On top of that I have a few cousins staying with us, and she just said why can you put them up in a hotel. They are only staying with us for a few nights, but now she mad?

Seems like when ever I go out with my friends which maybe 1 X a month she brings it up, oh your going drinking and you owe me. But when she goes for dinner or out with her friends I never say no.

When she was away - she was like all you wanted to do was party you could have got your MBA, I am not school driven but have a great upper management executive job. Yes my work would have paid but I am not the type of person to balance school and work. I do have a university degree, but it just seems like now that she’s a Lawyer she’s not happy with me. My job sometimes requires me to go out at night and check sites, if there a visit and it’s maybe once a month if that. It does require me recently with my promotion to travel once a month for a few nights and I always ask her to come if she can. Now it’s why don’t I look for another job, other wives would not put up with this. Its part of my job which pays well. Do I like my job, not as much as used to but pays our bills and lifestyle.

She keeps on saying I am useless and will divorce me at anytime. 

Just want to know am I in the wrong. I have made mistakes but never cheated on her or even thought about it, but as of late I always imagine my self being happy alone.

Apologies on the long story here.

Anything will help.

 

[basil67]

We all make mistakes, but it sounds like your wife thinks that the world should revolve around her.  So much drama over nothing!  I bet she was also a bridezilla

You know how you are at the point of imagining yourself alone and how good it would be?  That's pretty much the last point before deciding to end it.  I've been there and yes, I was so much happier on my own.  Divorce was the right decision

Are kids part of the equation?

 

Edited May 3, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, AJess said:

  She keeps on saying I am useless and will divorce me at anytime. 

There's no right or wrong. There's a lot you could do to improve things, but unfortunately you're caught in a power struggle as well as the 'who did more for whom' game. 

Try to step back and maintain better boundaries with family. Try not to keep coming across as 'all of us (you and your family) vs her'.

That's simply making matters worse and extremely alienating.  You don't have to like  or hang out with each other's family, you simply have to respect them. 

Since she keeps threatening divorce, privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for your options in divorce.

Unfortunately your marriage seems quite toxic and despite marriage therapy, you're both still wounded and continue to hurt each other.

Edited May 3, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

I'm sorry but your wife is so nasty.

She is so disrespectful to you and your family when none of you have done anything wrong.

This is not how she should be treating people. 

She is very abusive, verbally and physically.

I personally would not stand for that. 

Basil is right, when you start imagining yourself being happy on your own that is your breaking point.

She threatens divorce so just give her what she wants. 

Serve her.

 

[ShyViolet]

20 hours ago, AJess said:

That is one of my dilemma. When ever we get into an argument she belittles me, calls me names, has been physical with me, and calls my family losers and myself, also uses the word dumb and stupid a lot. I am not confrontational so I shut down. We have tried marriage counseling and I see my owner therapist as well.

 

This right here...

I'm sorry but I don't think there is any hope for this marriage.  Your wife sounds like an awful person.  You tried marriage counseling, yet she still behaves this way?  She learned absolutely nothing from marriage counseling.  She is abusive.  You should be planning your exit from this horrible marriage.

[Lotsgoingon]

I say get to a divorce attorney and start planning for the worst. And I say that because your wife is extremely calculating and she seems to have a nasty streak. So she seems the type to do nasty stuff in a divorce. So you want to get going early on this, so that she can't outfox you and do her lashing out at you. And she seems like the type who will also make up allegations against you. And do so with conviction and passion. That's why you want to talk to a divorce attorney and start protecting yourself.

One thing an attorney is likely to say is to document what she says to you. You can write this in a file but make sure you encrypt the file so she can't get into it. You may even want to record one of her vicious verbal attacks. Just to have some ammo if she comes at you all nasty. 

I appreciate you saying that you are not perfect.

On your parents talking to her mother, I don't think it's her role to say who your parents can or cannot talk to. They don't need her permission to talk to her mom. 

She demeans you and has been physical--yeah, that says it all. This is a nasty woman. I'm sure she has good qualities, but she is also really nasty. I'd definitely start heading for the exits in this relationship. She should have matured by now, become kinder by now. 

[Weezy1973]

No, you’re not overreacting. Get a lawyer and divorce her. She clearly has a bunch childhood trauma - hence the hate for her mom. Those wounds go deep and it’s not your job to fix her. Those wounds also make her a terrible partner. So take control of your life and leave her. A marriage should never involve “walking on eggshells”. 

[stillafool]

I agree to divorce her ASAP.  I don't know how you can stand to be around her.

[JTSW]

Are you ok OP?

[AJess]

Hi all, thanks you for everyone’s feedback. It’s like I am walking on egg shells everyday. 

As much as I want a divorce right now is the hardest time, I have my grandma 90th bday this weekend, her sisters engagement next weekend, and then we’re leaving for a 3 week trip.

To provide an update, things are pretty much the same. She is still mad because my dad is helping her mom for her sisters engagement Just now she said your parents are helping planning this I said they are not really helping planning, but she lost it and was like your dads helping and hung up on me. And I called back, but more yelling and threatening to leave me and call of my grandma party, so ya.
The other day I printed off a poster she had ordered and got stuff done so we can place it on an easel and she lost it on my because it was not the way she wanted it and once again names were called.

I can assume people likely think I am *****ing or not standing up just hard to do at this moment with so much going on.

I know I have made mistakes but this emotional hurt is very hard to take in. In her words “you make mistakes everyday and don’t care about me”, “your dumb and I should have married rich”.

She complains because I have a few family members staying with me for this surprise party, however I am not asking her to do anything.

I am the one that gets stuff done around the house,I clean if I don’t call the cleaner, do the laundry, take out the garbage, do the dishes, and even hang up her clothes because she does not like to and has stated that.

She says I do all the thinking and plan everything for our trip you have not done anything which is true because I am not a good planner. But it’s my duty to do this stuff in the house. In the middle of the night I am the one that wakes up if the dog wants to go out because onetime i got up set and “she uses her brain at work and needs to get her sleep so she can function.

We do not have any kids which is a good thing, and at this point don’t think we should.

Apologies for my complaining.

[Weezy1973]

@AJess There’s never a good time to get a divorce. You need to start with first steps. See a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row. Not having kids is a huge plus.