Establishing boundaries in the early stages

[Jessicajones84]

Hi all,

This seems a bit pathetic, but I seem to always have issues making sure my needs are met and establishing boundaries. I've spent a lot of my life being a bit of a people pleaser and ending up exhausted and unhappy. Lately, I've been having trouble really knowing what's healthy and what's just me being insecure. It's difficult to navigate my gut instinct vs insecurity or throwing a sort of inner tantrum when I'm not getting the validation. More often than not I let stuff go because I think I've probably got it wrong and overreacting.

I'm talking to this guy who I worked with years ago and who has always been interested in me. We reconnected a short while ago and have been sending each other little video messages, just talking about our lives and interests, etc. He's been sweet and I've always thought he was kind. We decided to arrange a date, but before this, we thought it might be nice to have a 'video date' & arrange our first date during the call. 

I've got a lot on with work and study, which he is aware of. I suggested the time saying this is a good time as I have a lot of reading to do and will know when to stop studying to talk. Anyway, he said he wanted a vid call, and we arrange for him to call at 10 pm. Ten past he sends me a message asking if I'm free which has already kind of annoyed me. He then goes on to say that he's just got back from the gym (which he did tell me he was doing) & would it be okay if he had a quick shower and call me after. I gave a thumbs up but at 10:45 pm I was thinking, he probably wasn't that excited to speak to me or respect my time. So I sent a message saying I was tired (a nice message) and it was a bit late to talk now. He ends up ringing at 10:55 pm saying 'Sorry I was long'. Followed by sort of demanding to know if I was free at the weekend and if I could talk tomorrow.

I dunno, it's really put me off? My gut is saying, this is not a good sign. For him, and others, it's probably not a biggie and I'm being dramatic. But, I've worked hard to love myself and have let in too many people who have not valued me. It didn't feel great sitting there like a lemon waiting for the call when I could have been getting ready for bed. I was tired and felt he didn't match my excitement to talk and didn't make any kind of effort to respect my time. I'm thinking to just kindly back off, but also wondering if I'm just scared of getting hurt. He could have sent a message before with a good old traffic excuse, not just ring nearly an hour later, quite late on a weeknight. 

Thanks for reading and any thoughts are appreciated.

J

[JTSW]

Honestly, I think you are overreacting to this. 

He asked if it was ok he take a quick shower after the gym.

That's respectful.

He took a little longer but made the effort.

Yeah, it was late but I wouldn't let that deter you from him.

He sounds like a good guy that really likes and respects you.

[Jessicajones84]

Thank you. I had a niggle that's a possibility. I'm a little insecure. I'm wayyyyy better than I was before, but the negative voice is still there. 

If anything, this means I'm still not ready to date. After working hard on myself for aaaages, I'm still not quite there. It's so annoying!

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Jessicajones84 said:

 If anything, this means I'm still not ready to date. After working hard on myself for aaaages, I'm still not quite there. 

Sorry this is happening. Perhaps you're not ready to date and have too much on your plate at the moment. That's ok.. That fact that you were avoiding meeting up in person briefly to simply catch up,may be an indicator of this.

[JTSW]

30 minutes ago, Jessicajones84 said:

Thank you. I had a niggle that's a possibility. I'm a little insecure. I'm wayyyyy better than I was before, but the negative voice is still there. 

If anything, this means I'm still not ready to date. After working hard on myself for aaaages, I'm still not quite there. It's so annoying!

That's ok. 

You're doing great

[Gaeta]

Don't forget we are all human and we will make small mistakes, we might be late sometimes, we might even forget stuff sometimes, that does not mean we are not interested or our heart isn't in the right place.

You should concentrate on the big stuff, is he kind, honest, considerate, does he make you feel good, make you laugh etc.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Repeat to your anxiety that you will be fine! No matter the outcome with this man you will be just fine!

 

[IrinaM]

Honestly this would not be cool with me.

Let me make sure I have my timeline correct:

You were supposed to vid chat at 10pm

At 10:10, he messages you asking if you're free. Then he says hey can I jump in the shower and then we will video chat. You say sure. But at 10:45 you still haven't heard from him, so you message him and ten minutes later he replies saying whoops well hey maybe we can talk this weekend.

Yeah this isn't respectful on his part. Really if he needed to be late or reschedule, the time to text you about that would have been much much earlier in the evening.

I would stop sending him these little "video messages" and probably not even set up another video call. If he wants to get to know you he can expend a little energy. Idk, for me, someone not showing up when they're supposed to is extremely disrespectful.

[ShyViolet]

Stop doing video calls, that's my biggest piece of advice.  These video calls are a waste of time and are not what dating is.  Schedule an in-person date and see what vibe you get from him in person.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would also advise you nix the video messages. 

There is no real need to have a video call to set up a date. Just choose a time and place and date. I would give him the benefit of the doubt this time, but if it becomes a habit, then I would move on. 

[NuevoYorko]

Once again,  you're weighting things against yourself by the video messages and then needing to make a scheduled video chat in order to simply arrange a date.

You are putting up so many potential roadblocks and opportunities for failure before you even find out whether the two of you have the chemistry and real interest necessary to actually DATE.

I agree that this guy messed up on the video chat scheduling.   That said, it is a bad idea and should be nixed.   

My advice is to just tell the guy that you'd like to meet him for a date; you're free these following times, he should let you know which one would work and you're looking forward to it.

Then meet him.  Or if he fails to come back with a plan, there you have what you need:  the knowledge that he's flakey, or not ready, or not serious - whatever, you would know to let him go.

No more video messages or video DATES scheduled in order to plan a real date.  Just cut those out.  With this guy and any future ones.  Save that stuff for your boyfriend, when you have one and the two of you are separated.  

[smackie9]

Nope, first impressions count. He knew his schedule, you told him your time was tight. He disregarded that and I would find that rude. It's not like he was stuck in traffic because of an accident. He didn't even bother to contact you just before 10 to let you know he will be delayed or to reschedule, because he wasn't that concerned about it. 

There are people who don't think it's a big deal to be late, and there are those, like myself is never late because IMO it's good manners. 

If you want to continue, just look at this as a red flag. If he's a repeat offender, boot him to the curb. 

 

[Versacehottie]

I think you did pretty good setting your boundaries....does that mean it will always FEEL good or that it won't cause disappointment or make you feel jerked around? No. Because you will still be seeing things--at least until it becomes more comfortable or more second nature to you---through the perspective of "what you would do in that situation"...and thus in this case would feel maybe hyper-disrespected, etc. I also don't think it's great how he managed his time in the evening when he'd set something up with you...but rather than think of it in absolutes, like he's bad, I'm good.  He's going do what he wants and I'll always be a people-pleaser...I'd say to try to think of this in terms of your growth and in regards to him and a possible relationship with him as just "gathering information". For example, if you are not "all-in" on him, it's not that disappointing, is it? It's just information, like hmmm he might be flakey, poor at time management or we might not be compatible. IMO, you are doing good if it does turn into a relationship to set your boundaries right now--that you respect your time and if he wants to be in your life or wants access to you, HE needs to respect your time. 

So IMO, you just don't fully feel comfortable with setting those limits. Maybe because you are still processing them through an "old" lens. The important thing is that you did it and stuck to it. It will take time to change and change your perspective on what setting a boundary means to you. (it's often uncomfortable even for people that are better at it). Lol, you should feel happy in a way that you got some sleep and you prioritized your schooling, etc...He's not that big of a priority in your life yet that it should make you feel any other way--especially if he doesn't honor a set up time. BTW, I also think a video call to set up a date is sort of dumb. Lol but I guess if you are both into it then it's fine--but it feels like an audition. 

I think you also have to be careful of wanting him to know--without you stating what the issue is---for your time schedule. I think people pleasers usually have trouble speaking up and in a way, that could be tied to how you feel with this issue. I think if you think about it more in terms of letting him get to know you by explaining WHY you allotted that time and why a change in the time wouldn't be good for you, it would also be really positive step in your growth around boundaries, etc. Doesn't have to be heavy or deep...just a sentence or two, light-heartedly and then STICK to your BOUNDARIES. I think that will be a start to making you feel a lot better about stuff as well.