the love of my life, will i ever have her back?

[conquer]

i don't know where to start. but perhaps ill tell it backwards

 

im a 26 year old male. right now i have been in emotional distress for the last past month or two. my girl ( or as she clearly wants to put it, my ex ) has left me for about a month. I've been crying everyday for the last month or so. I need her in my life, she has left me for good and now looks at me as someone who ruined her life and took from her what she wanted. Ive recently talked to a lot of people and have had so many people help me through this. For about 6 weeks ive struggled to take myself apart to look for answers and have been in a full 24 hr soul searching mode. i have done nothing in that amount of time but long for the woman i truly love and seek comfort. but never have i felt comfort ever, since she's left me.

 

the past 6 weeks has been a war. i've seen our relationship spiral from what you would consider a perfectly stable and strong relationship to one that has made her hate me and loathe me and never want to talk to me again. I, have not felt a single ounce of hatred, anger or any hostile emotions for her. I have only fallen deeper in love for her. every day.

 

i am not perfect by any means. during that time i made her feel that i could not trust her. from my perspective she was addicted to something which has ruined our relationship previously and i wasnt giving her too much space and trust. However just less than a week ago i discovered that she has hidden something from me.

 

instead of confiding in me, like we've always had during the last 5 years of our relationship, she's been seeking help elsewhere. she is 22, and has sought comfort in other people most younger than she is. now all i am to these people is an evil manipulative boyfriend who has choked her. It may be true, i do not know anymore. My own friends have adviced so many things to me, telling me that this girl should never have deserved me.

 

its very hard to tell a story backwards! but bear with me.

 

the last month or so i've spent begging her to come back to me. ive lost her respect my pride and love and even care. Ive even been handled physically but my friends to help me get out of this mood. ( not killed, lol but physically shook ) During these times ive taken away something she loved. we both stay at home and are in a long distance relationship. but every year we've spent 1 whole month together in each other's arms. i was shocked, devastated and unable to react appropriately. i could not bear to see the love of my life leave me.

 

All through our relationship she has been strong and steadfast in her love for me. In my mistakes she has led me and in my weakness she has strengthened me. we were crazily in love for years. And have been solely each other's focus during that time. We are strictly conservative and loved each other deeply and truthfully.

 

5 months ago, we have had problems, there was a third party on her part. And we've vowed never again to thread paths which would harm our relationship in anyway. July 28 through August 28 we were together at least 20 hours a day. We had plans to get married and spend the near future together and start a family. however the last two months or so that problem recurred and she slowly fell out of love for me and sought other people's company.

 

1 year ago, ive had a sexual relationship which devastated her. she has helped me become the person who i was and even in her sorrow and tears has been strong. I cried more than her during those times. And she vowed never to leave me no matter what happens.

 

5 years previous to that, when i found her she changed my life completely. Ive found myself in her and the very foundations of my being was built around her. She is the center of my world as i was hers.

 

ive known her for 22 years and she's never been angry at me before and now she has gone. she has told me that she's over with me and my repeated attempts to take away something that made her happy. That something has rocked our relationship before and now has made her life a bit unstable. I would call it an addiction because of what i did to her and to us. But because i love her i wasnt strong enough to completely stop her until now. At the cost of our relationship.

 

However, i may have exaggerated the effect of it in us. Surely my distrust or rather mistrust on her with that thing has made things worst. Im the kind of guy who can stand there get beaten senseless and severed a limb but could still whisper to her i love you. As i said i have reached a stage in my life where i have completely devoted my life for her. This is something very deep and this is what makes me the person i am. She makes me, me.

 

i have done everything i could and now i do not know what to. I cry myself to sleep, only to wake myself up to sleep. I need her in my life and now she's moved on. She's completely turned and became a new person. She could scream at me now and tell me to get out of her life and that she's had enough of me and my manipulative ways. She's happy to be free she claims. But if happiness meant getting pleasure out of her hurting me, she seems lost or so i think.

 

Hope its clear to all, that i want her back. And ive done everything i could to have her back. Ive tried NC but only for 5 days or less. Each time seeng results worsen. Ive been suicidal but my strong faith has kept me from doing that. And that was when this all started. Now im just simply, nothing... for she was everything.

 

i've grown so much in so little an amount of time. Ive told her these but she does not care. I've grown deeper in love for her. Respect her more, understand her more. As I've been taking myself apart non-stop for so long. She tells me I just say it but i do something else ( take away that something ).... But i truly know that im a different person now... God knows too.

 

Help. Pls.

[conquer]

sorry for the typographical erros

[conquer]

Love of my life Updates: 2005-11-08-1754

 

She's calmed down and we talked. I could not stop myself from crying. Have slept only about 1.5 hrs a night for weeks. I had no friends who I could talk to. I broke down and called her. She was nice. She told me stop crying, because she was there. We talked about a lot of things. How she's moved on and that how she's happy with her life right now. I feel that she is being emotionally fulfilled by someone. We talked about small things.

 

And a lot about the thing that i was trying to let her stop doing. It hurt sometimes, sometimes it made us laugh. She finally was able to have her board exam scheduled for the third time. ( missed first two ones, to which our reasons for are different, i thought it was about *that something* and she thought it was about another thing ).

 

Soon, of course stupid me talked about love. I asked her ( out of pure and simple idiocy ) it would be strange that if we ended up together with different partners. She said she'll probably end up an old maid. I asked her if she believed in unconditional love. She said yes. I asked her if she believed in true love. She said yes. And promptly wanted to be excused.

 

I am a very raw person in expressing my love. I just say it so much. Id give her the moon the skies and everything in between. Im no smooth talker, a player or someone who can play around and manipulate their love one's feelings. I just am as clear as glass. When i say something i say it because i want to say it. So its pretty unexciting, maybe.

 

So maybe it turned her away and make her want to protect herself from the emotions. She was trying to... i could feel it. What she did after she hung up i can speculate. Who she talked to what she did to let her relax herself... i can only speculate.. But speculations aren't for lovers

 

Later in the day, I called her mother to seek advice and find comfort. Her mother is the closest thing to her i can talk and share things with. I was surprised when the love of my life answered. My heart raced and i felt like hanging up. She's always considered me and her mother against her. When in fact, we arent. We care for her truly and love her so much in different ways.

 

We talked for a few minutes until the issue of love came up again. Like i said earlier, I am unrestrained in letting her know about my feelings. She is my first love and my last, and Ive never been open to anybody all my life and i know that it has overwhelmed her since the break up. She loved it though when we were together as she is a very sincere and allout lover.

 

So that didnt go to well, again i felt that she longed for someone else. I am not sure, but sometimes there's something that tells you that something is going on. I could be wrong,.. maybe.

 

The day went along well, and I was crying while driving around the city. I missed her so badly. It was different from before where i missed her talking to me. Now I miss her like a part of me is gone and that i am incomplete. A deep longing from the very depths of your soul just screaming to be dealth with.

 

I was crying too much and i had to call her. It was time for her to sleep and she was kind enough to wake up and have me pray her goodnight prayer..

 

Now Im home, wishing for everything back to be together. Thinking about whether or not I can keep going. I should, I will. I will have failed myself and the one that gave me to her, if i ever allow myself to ever stop loving her unconditionally..

 

I am who i am, a lover who is dedicated to love this girl all my life. i cannot be certain what tomorrow may bring. Will i break down and fall apart? Will she completely forget about me? Will she stop needing me? Will i fail in my quest to love her unconditionally till the day i die? I do not know. All i know is that i can't live life without loving her.

 

thank you

[ReluctantRomeo]

Awww Conquer, that sounds terrible. I feel for you.

 

OK, here it goes. I have to say that I rate your chances of getting back together as being very poor right now.

 

It sounds to me like this relationship had some pretty unhealthy dynamics. The fact that you call her mother to seek advice and find comfort and that your ex finds this difficult is one such dynamic. Another is you ringing to get her to say a bedtime prayer for you. To me it sounds like she was the parent in this relationship and you were a clingy child.

 

I think you need to back off before she starts to hate you more than you say she does already. To have any hope of getting her back - or to have a sensible relationship in future - I would seriously suggest that you take time apart from her. Examine the parent/child issue. Be a man, an equal. Have your own life, your own friends.

[conquer]

I see, i understand the chances of getting her back is pretty much nill. I accept that. I call her to say her bedtime prayer for her. However, recently she hasnt been calling me for her nightly prayers anymore. I will stop that, i guess

 

I have already backed off. I will try not to call her anymore. And in fact will give her what she wanted. And return those things which i consider as a bad influence on her. Just to let her be and find out for herself what it really feels like to be herself; responsible and be able to face the consequences. I am very grateful for your replies.

 

About her mother, I had been calling her mother because I felt that she was addicted to something which was destroying her life that i could no longer stop. In my frustrations and haste I forgot to ask more views and more importantly follow what she wanted ( we had already broken up when i finally took that away ). Its a trust issue for her, and for me i thought i was saving her. Her mother also wanted her to stop doing it. But now I know its been futile. I lost her, I lost everything, yet she has not stopped doing it. Hates me and has found someone who better understands her. Ironically, that someone has influenced her to stop doing it.

 

You reply is timely, as ive written in my journals the things i will be doing. First of all, I have my friends support me in my decision to love her uncondionally. Without telling her nor letting her know. I will stop interfering with her life though i will still be doing things for her.

 

I dont know if its even possible to do this. But the moment I lose my purpose of loving her unconditionally forever, will be the moment i will cease to live. My one ever passion in life was to make her happy. And killing that fire burning inside me will make me worse than I am right now. Loving her is my goal. Nothing has ever felt so right.

 

Its so easy to just give up and find new people. But I've found my purpose and I believe I will be able to live it.

[conquer]

Love of my life Updates: 2005-11-09-0756

 

She called me My heart melted. Its so beautiful just to hear her voice If only she knew how exhiliriated I was! whew!

 

Thanks for reading!

[conquer]

Love of my life Updates: 2005-11-09-1315

 

For the first time in so many weeks, I had slept enough for me to dream I dreamt of her. Things are still the same. Friends telling me that waiting for her might be disastrous in the end. Me frustrating them that only time can tell whether or not i will have her back.

 

Thanks!

[flightymighty]

Love of my life Updates: 2005-11-08-1754

 

She's calmed down and we talked. I could not stop myself from crying. Have slept only about 1.5 hrs a night for weeks. I had no friends who I could talk to. I broke down and called her. She was nice. She told me stop crying, because she was there. We talked about a lot of things. How she's moved on and that how she's happy with her life right now. I feel that she is being emotionally fulfilled by someone. We talked about small things.

 

And a lot about the thing that i was trying to let her stop doing. It hurt sometimes, sometimes it made us laugh. She finally was able to have her board exam scheduled for the third time. ( missed first two ones, to which our reasons for are different, i thought it was about *that something* and she thought it was about another thing ).

 

Soon, of course stupid me talked about love. I asked her ( out of pure and simple idiocy ) it would be strange that if we ended up together with different partners. She said she'll probably end up an old maid. I asked her if she believed in unconditional love. She said yes. I asked her if she believed in true love. She said yes. And promptly wanted to be excused.

 

I am a very raw person in expressing my love. I just say it so much. Id give her the moon the skies and everything in between. Im no smooth talker, a player or someone who can play around and manipulate their love one's feelings. I just am as clear as glass. When i say something i say it because i want to say it. So its pretty unexciting, maybe.

 

So maybe it turned her away and make her want to protect herself from the emotions. She was trying to... i could feel it. What she did after she hung up i can speculate. Who she talked to what she did to let her relax herself... i can only speculate.. But speculations aren't for lovers

 

Later in the day, I called her mother to seek advice and find comfort. Her mother is the closest thing to her i can talk and share things with. I was surprised when the love of my life answered. My heart raced and i felt like hanging up. She's always considered me and her mother against her. When in fact, we arent. We care for her truly and love her so much in different ways.

 

We talked for a few minutes until the issue of love came up again. Like i said earlier, I am unrestrained in letting her know about my feelings. She is my first love and my last, and Ive never been open to anybody all my life and i know that it has overwhelmed her since the break up. She loved it though when we were together as she is a very sincere and allout lover.

 

So that didnt go to well, again i felt that she longed for someone else. I am not sure, but sometimes there's something that tells you that something is going on. I could be wrong,.. maybe.

 

The day went along well, and I was crying while driving around the city. I missed her so badly. It was different from before where i missed her talking to me. Now I miss her like a part of me is gone and that i am incomplete. A deep longing from the very depths of your soul just screaming to be dealth with.

 

I was crying too much and i had to call her. It was time for her to sleep and she was kind enough to wake up and have me pray her goodnight prayer..

 

Now Im home, wishing for everything back to be together. Thinking about whether or not I can keep going. I should, I will. I will have failed myself and the one that gave me to her, if i ever allow myself to ever stop loving her unconditionally..

 

I am who i am, a lover who is dedicated to love this girl all my life. i cannot be certain what tomorrow may bring. Will i break down and fall apart? Will she completely forget about me? Will she stop needing me? Will i fail in my quest to love her unconditionally till the day i die? I do not know. All i know is that i can't live life without loving her.

 

thank you

 

Dude...you have to calm down and get a hold on yourself. I am in somewhat of the same boat as you and you have to realize that YOUR actions drove her away - and she told you what they were many times. I know......I am there as well.

 

it sounds like she found someone else to satisfy the needs you probably are aware of. I think that you chose this and have now lost your control - it is maddening. Also, you begging and crying only confirms to her how pathetic you really are - yes, people ain't that complex. Her rebound won't last, but her memory of you falling apart will. Stand up and be a man. Love and lust are a wonderful thing but not with the same person perpetually - that's why you cheated.

 

I cheated also and why? Cause obviously i wasn't happy - the answer- there you go. I was told to stop analyzing everything and focus on yourself - were you born with her attached to your hip? Didn't think so. We are born alone and die alone. might as well love as many people as you can along the way - and hopefully sleep with them to. No more suicide talk ok - it's boring; especially when it's over something as stupid as "love."

[conquer]

here there, thanks for your reply. Actually i am quite calm. Very much sure of what i should do and have everything set. My actions did drive her away, but its not the whole picture.

 

I have never felt, mad, angry... EVER towards her. After all that has happened not a single bit of negative emotions felt for her. I have stopped begging a long time ago. Yes it was a mistake, and I saw it too late. Her rebound has been around for the last 6 months or so. Love is wonderful, lust isnt. >.<

 

I cheated because I made a mistake. Was forgiven. I am not afraid to analyze things. Believe me, it makes you a better person. But not before almost completely destryoing yourself. Maybe im different, for me i want to be a better person.. And breaking down yourself to find answers works for me. I live, I learn, I die, I learn. Never stop learning about myself.

 

For me its different. I believe I was born to love her. I think your cynicism is a complete opposite to my idealism. Its okay, after all we are all different from each other. Thats what makes ths world a fund place to live in.

 

Love is not stupid. It means everything to me

 

Sorry for disagreeing. But you made me see more things. Thanks for the replies

[conquer]

Love of my life Updates: 2005-11-12-1711

 

 

It's becoming clearer. I have talked to so many people and listened to their opinions and had discourses with them. I am so lucky to have people around me who are caring and love me for what I am ( and who are patient enough to hear me out ). Although most see that I am after a lost cause, I have only strengthened my resolve.

 

Once I stopped thinking who she could be talking to, what her new relationship was, what the future holds, or if im going to have her back again, the pain has gone away, the hurt alleviated and the crying has almost ceased. Still like before, no negative emotions being felt for the love of my life. It would have been much easier if I was angry... But i have never felt this way for someone else in my life. Love, just pure unconditional love.

 

Some say I am in denial, some say im obssesed, some say I just can't let go. But its perfectly clear that I am just in love, in the purest sense. Its an amazing feeling. It has always been the way I have felt for her, but now I realize just to what extent.

 

She called me around dawn, my time, to pray for me. She thanked God that I still care for her and for me to have a restful night. Just waking up, I could not think cleary and told her i loved her a few times. Her reply was goodbye She was sweet and not offensive in anyway.

 

My purpose in life, is to love her unconditionally forever. I know its only been a month or two but I have done nothing in that time but struggle to find what it is i need to do. After the begging, after the crying, after the desperation and suicidal tendencies.. It all comes back to how my very purpose in life is to make her happy and love her.

 

Right now she just needs her space and to find out what she wants in life. Try and explore new things which she had missed for the last five years. I have my found my purpose in her, and now it is her turn to know what her purpose is. I have no expectations, i may not be happy with what may happen but that is irrelevant.

 

I recite this a lot of times a day, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres... Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8."

 

Prayers and love from family, friends and even strangers have held me up together to continue loving her. It may be true that it is virtually impossible to love someone who does not love you back, but the love He and other people have for you makes it a little easier.

 

Wish me luck

 

Thank You