wyldflower Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Ah, the sweet smell of victory. And even more so the reassurance that what I was feeling was real, albeit in ****ty circumstances. J left his wife for good. She has agreed to let him go. He's moved out, in with brother and is asleep in my bed as we speak. Said he just couldn't go on living a lie. Wants to move in together as soon as my lease is up. All this within two and a half months (although we have been friends for years and romantically involved EXCLUSIVELY for a few months, when he and wife split for a year a couple of years back) Promised me I will never have to worry about losing him again. I know it too. So there ARE some happy endings. And I'm so glad I believed him when he said he wanted to leave her. Without sounding condescending or judgemental, our affair was not a two or three year one. It was a couple of months. For the women who have been involved in affairs for years, i'd say chances of him leaving are slim to none. And the way I got him? I told him I was NOT going to be OW, started to move on, stood my ground, was his friend REGARDLESS and never gave him any more grief or pressure than what he was already dealing with. And for the doubters, yes it is FINAL and OFFICIAL! Yay for me! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 I told him I was NOT going to be OW, started to move on, stood my ground, was his friend REGARDLESS and never gave him any more grief or pressure than what he was already dealing with. And for the doubters, yes it is FINAL and OFFICIAL! wyld, yours is one of the very rare instances in which a man looking for greener pastures actually left the pasture he was in to pursue his search. the only problem with this scenario is that someone who is the lover of a married person is going to read this and gloss over your statement (see above quote) and think that it's going to happen for them, too. Unless they stand firm and refuse to get involved with someone who is already in a committed relationship (whether it's a ****ty one or not), they end up losing, IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 So they are divorced and the divorce is FINAL ?? Correct ? Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 So they are divorced and the divorce is FINAL ?? Correct ? AC, are you stating that she is still the OW b/c the D is not final? If so, I agree. Until the D is final she is still the OW, regardless if he left his W they are still M. wyldflower, I will try not to be harsh but let me share my story. My H filed for a D, had an A w/ a co-worker. Two months after H filed for a D and had his A w/ the OW he came crawling back to me, begging and pleading to take me back. Said he made the biggest mistake of his life. Said he thought he wanted the OW but when it came down to it, she wasn't want he wanted. He enjoyed the thrill of the A. It was new to him, and exciting. They didn't have a thing to worry about but how to keep their A secret (which they did a very poor job of doing) and when to find the time to be together. I'm not saying that your mm will go back to his W, but he could, most of the time they do go back. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 I'll just say that I hope it works out for your sake but if it doesn't - It's because of his history with his wife. Family, friends, vows, a life. Trust built up over the years (Ironic considering he broke it...) and knowing eachother, the familar being. If the going gets tough with you two, I hope both of you stick to it and work it out. It's too easy to say "back then it was great, we were inlove and happy, all the time, good sex...Now, it's stressful and at times we don't get along...We fight and the sex isn't as often." YOu know that is called? A real relationship, minus the "fantasy and intensity" spin on it. I agree with MC, maybe be careful - Even wait till the divorce is final before you move in together. What is the rush?? He still will need grieving time, whether or not you feel he needs it, he does. People can't just jump out of a marriage and into another relationship! It's not a healthy thing to do. He needs to live alone without anybody for a little while. Just my 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wyldflower Posted November 7, 2005 Author Share Posted November 7, 2005 Yes a/c he's divorced because it's possible to get divorced in 3 days in this country! Thanks for the cynicism but I'm happy and HAVE been friends with this man for many a year and know when he's bul****ting and know when he isn't. Saw what he went through in trying to leave, see how he is with me and am happy to take it a day at a time. Thanks guys! I'm content. Link to post Share on other sites
foolinlove Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Just wanted to say congrats on the good news of your MM following through with his word. It is a great feeling to know that the man you put so much love and faith in returns your effort with his love. I wish you both happiness and hope that things work out. My MM too left last month, for the second time, no papers filed and my heart is VERY cautious not to get too involved this time around. I think that your story will bring HOPE to OW who find themselves deeply in love with a MM reguardless of circumstances. However, it is when that hope overpowers your good judgement about your own well being that OW should be cautious about. OW being happy with yourself and your choices in life is what is important, stories that work out give us hope, but can cloud our judgement of what is most important to us. Rambleing some, sorry! Again congrats and best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Yes a/c he's divorced because it's possible to get divorced in 3 days in this country! Thanks for the cynicism but I'm happy and HAVE been friends with this man for many a year and know when he's bul****ting and know when he isn't. Saw what he went through in trying to leave, see how he is with me and am happy to take it a day at a time. Thanks guys! I'm content. Well congrats then... I wasn't being a cynic.. You had said it was final So I was inquiring.. 3 days.. whew.. that means if he ever marries you that he can divorce you in 3 days to marry his next OW.. Really Congrats.. and take it slow with him Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Sad, sad story. You are now with a man who made vows with another woman and broke them. And now you think you're so special and he'll never do that to you. He's shown himself to be a cheater. He's not a man of his word. Why would you be excited to be with such a man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wyldflower Posted November 7, 2005 Author Share Posted November 7, 2005 I am not that cruel that i don't feel for his wife. I am not that stupid that I am not guarding my heart. Obviously tried and true OW will have a different view of the situation. I, however, did NOT allow myself to be the OW (except for a few weeks where I forgot who i was and just went there!) and have got my man. He is right here reading these messages. His advice... not every man who cheats is a cake eater. I didn't come here for judgement. I came to let people know that there are always different factors in these situations, and sometimes (like in the case of my Uncle and Aunt and I HOPE but don't EXPECT mine will be) things work out just how you'd wished for. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 I'm not a "tried and true OW." Come back in one year and tell us that it's worked out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wyldflower Posted November 7, 2005 Author Share Posted November 7, 2005 Sorry, Coco. Bad choice of words. Realised it as soon as i'd posted it. i meant women who have been OW and come out on the other end with nothing. Point is, i'm with him for now. nobody else need be offended by the happiness i'm currently experiencing. I'M HAPPY! HE'S HAPPY! SHE'S ACKNOWLEDGED IT'S BEST FOR HER TOO! Once again, i'm not looking to judge or be judged. I was just trying to let people know there can be an amicable resolution to all of this. But I will not be the brunt of bitterness. Statements like "come back in a year and tell us it's worked out" are just nasty. Full stop. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 I'm glad you got your man. I'm equally glad the W was lucky enough to rid her life of him. Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Wyld, I think you should just be happy and ignore any negativity. Life is too short. If he wasn't in love with his wife and wanted you, then the decision has been made that suuports that. And all is as it should be. Good for you. Be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 I am not that cruel that i don't feel for his wife. I am not that stupid that I am not guarding my heart. Obviously tried and true OW will have a different view of the situation. I, however, did NOT allow myself to be the OW (except for a few weeks where I forgot who i was and just went there!) and have got my man. He is right here reading these messages. His advice... not every man who cheats is a cake eater. I didn't come here for judgement. I came to let people know that there are always different factors in these situations, and sometimes (like in the case of my Uncle and Aunt and I HOPE but don't EXPECT mine will be) things work out just how you'd wished for. Thanks. I hate to tell you this, but you were the OW all along, even if it was in "action" and a typical relationship...It was something on side and in the wings. Sorry. I hope it works out for you, I really do, especially if you've found happiness. I guess what I don't understand how someone could be married, then all of sudden divorced, then plop into another relationship so fast. There should always be time between each relationship. Just like in relationships that don't workout in general, not too many jump into a full blown one so quickly after ending the previous one. Just keep your eyes open then and be understanding to his needs. Who knows! I could be completely wrong too and life will be perfect for you and him. I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wyldflower Posted November 7, 2005 Author Share Posted November 7, 2005 I was joking before! You cannot get a divorce in 3 days here. He is taking time out. he is living on his own until April when my lease expires. Then if things feel right, we are going to move in together. We are both intelligent people who do not want to mess this up. Fingers crossed Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 You've been friends with this man for years, but only consider yourself the OW if you're sleeping with him? You've had a thing with him before when he and his wife were split for a year in the past. Reading about it here, it sounds more like an 'ongoing situation' to me So what is different about it this time..? Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Flower---no one intending to rain on your parade but we are being cautiously protective, we are born advice-givers here through experience(s) only... So a question: I am not clear on whether he is divorced or not. You told Art (and the rest of us reading closely) that he achieved an Australia-style three day divorce. Later you say there is no such thing. So he is living apart from you to gather his marbles and you are not an official couple? Then you ARE the OW until divorce papers are signed, sealed, delivered and he has proposed to you. o e Link to post Share on other sites
hangonnow Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Ah, the sweet smell of victory. Yay for me! Congratulations!! You are the winner of: one second-hand husband who you ALREADY know is capable of cheating, lying I think the real winner here is the wife. Now she is free to find a really nice honest person who doesn't think cheating is OK. Lucky her. Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Ah, the sweet smell of victory. And even more so the reassurance that what I was feeling was real, albeit in ****ty circumstances. J left his wife for good. She has agreed to let him go. He's moved out, in with brother and is asleep in my bed as we speak. Said he just couldn't go on living a lie. Wants to move in together as soon as my lease is up. All this within two and a half months (although we have been friends for years and romantically involved EXCLUSIVELY for a few months, when he and wife split for a year a couple of years back) Promised me I will never have to worry about losing him again. I know it too. So there ARE some happy endings. And I'm so glad I believed him when he said he wanted to leave her. Without sounding condescending or judgemental, our affair was not a two or three year one. It was a couple of months. For the women who have been involved in affairs for years, i'd say chances of him leaving are slim to none. And the way I got him? I told him I was NOT going to be OW, started to move on, stood my ground, was his friend REGARDLESS and never gave him any more grief or pressure than what he was already dealing with. And for the doubters, yes it is FINAL and OFFICIAL! Yay for me! Ahemm. Good for you ... I guess Don't you think it's kinda soon to cheer though? I'd like to hear about the rest in a year or two and see how it goes ...... It's pretty sad an pathetic how proud you are of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
LauraBancroft Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Wyld, Congrats that you have gotten what you wanted, but a few words to the wise. Men in this stage go through a lot of emotions and they seem to teeter back and forth between the GF and the Wife, so while you're elated that this is happening you need to be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Although if you were to go on hope alone that wouldn't do a thing for you. I'm not being cynical so much as I'm being practical here. You said that he wants to live on his own until April to feel things out and then if things are right between you two that you two will move on together, well April is a long way away. Why can't he live with you? You have your own place I'm assuming, correct? Well I don't understand why you two can't move in together already because then that would be what he wanted anyway. So what's the story there? Link to post Share on other sites
Skeered Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Ok I'll try to be nice..but I'm sorry you kinda started the part of people coming on here to give you advice or tell you their thoughts about this...your subject title alone was enough to start that...he's not your man, he was someone else's for a long time, now he's left his wife and is pursueing something with you...as others have said you are the OW until divorce is signed and you aren't totally in the clear even then. He might at that point choose to play the field a little since he's single. Be reallllllllllly cautious..love is blind and can make us think silly things. like the fact that he is YOURS..even the distance of you two living apart prolly won't mean anything either because you will be there when he needs "lovin" and you will be there when he needs a shoulder and you will do what it takes to prove that you are soooooo much better than his wife so that you can keep him. My suggestion is leave him alone, NC for the months until your lease is coming up...let him get his head straight and if love is truly there then you two will find eachother again...otherwise by you being right there even livin in seperate places you are still "dating" and not letting him make the TRUE HONEST decision of what to do...and who he can be happy with. Don't allow yourself to be a rebound because he will eventually do it to you too. Link to post Share on other sites
Marielle Posted November 11, 2005 Share Posted November 11, 2005 I just wanted to wish you the best, ppl here tend to judge out of bitterness and anger. It gives hope to some of us to hear that some stories hape a happy ending Link to post Share on other sites
daybyday22 Posted November 11, 2005 Share Posted November 11, 2005 I was joking before! You cannot get a divorce in 3 days here. He is taking time out. he is living on his own until April when my lease expires. Then if things feel right, we are going to move in together. We are both intelligent people who do not want to mess this up. Fingers crossed It honestly sounds like the most intelligent person in all of this is the wife who knows well enough to get away from her cheating husband and your "well-wishes" towards her. Link to post Share on other sites
LexiB Posted November 11, 2005 Share Posted November 11, 2005 It honestly sounds like the most intelligent person in all of this is the wife who knows well enough to get away from her cheating husband and your "well-wishes" towards her. I second that. Such a sad situation Link to post Share on other sites
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