missouri_guy Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 I'm just going to type this out. I don't know what the point of putting it here is. I guess I just want some advice: I am 25 years old yesterday. I originally met my wife when I was 20 and we were both in college. We dated and saw each other exclusively for about a year and 3 months. She is a graduate student while I am just finishing up undergrad. After we initially dated, I decided that I wanted to be free to hang out with my friends, party, and basically live the stupid college life. She is nothing like this. She is very responsible and driven and is basically focused on living a successful life. Well, we stayed broken up for nearly 8 months and then she started seeing another guy after 8 months and I basically realized what a great girl I was throwing away and came back to her. Incredibly, she took me back and we were soon engaged. Shortly after we became engaged, I was expelled from my university for cheating. I don't know why I did it, I guess I just wanted to take the easy way out of things and I was basically just an irresponsible loser. When this situation occurred, massive trust issues began to develop between her and me. I always had a problem admitting when I had done something wrong. I lie just to avoid confronations, and sometimes I have to further lie to cover up other lies. Well, we decided to go through with the marriage, as she was willing to try to work things out with me. We did get married, yet I've continued to take advantage of her and basically ruin her life and our marriage. I have opened up credit cards that she doesn't know about so that I can go out with friends, spend money, and then lie to her about how much was spent. I started smoking and then blamed the smell on myself on the other smokers in my office. I lie about things so petty as forgetting to return a Christmas present that did not properly fit her. Instead of 'fessing up, I shut it in my briefcase. When she wanted to see in my briefcase one day, I told her "no" claiming that there was a present in there for her that I had not yet wrapped. I was fortunate enough to be accepted to another university, and I am 9 hours from graduating. Last semester, I didn't have much participation in my evening class, and I withdrew. But rather than being honest with her about it, I simply told her class was going fine and that I finished the class with a "B". I have lied and lied and lied some more. I've never been physically unfaithful, but I don't suppose that really matters anymore. We have had problems with me staying out too late at night with my friends. We went on a cruise last week and she became angry because at night when she was ready to sleep I would not be tired so I went out to the club on the cruise ship. I stayed out until 3 a.m. knowing full-well she would be angry about it. We had a huge argument about it (all my fault, again). She left for an internship this week, and I basically did nothing around the house to take care of the place. Instead, I went out with my friends twice, and the other nights I just came home, watched a movie, and went to bed. DIdn't do laundry, didn't do anything. SO we had another huge fight this weekend because she was angry over that. I had to go into work at the office this evening and when I got there I smoke a cigarette. Well, she came up to apologize to me about the fight and to kiss me goodbye, and she could taste the cigarettes on my breath. I admitted to smoking that night and claimed "I only smoked one because I was stressed about our fight". She said "I'm sure you've been smoking alot" and of course I denied it, etc. Then she asked about my briefcase and wanted to see inside of it. I said that it was "at home". Yet, she had just cleaned the whole house today and couldn't find it, so I said "well, it's there, you must have just missed it". So tonight I was reading a book, and it asked me to grade my self-character. I scored miserably and the advice from the author was that I "restart my life". Nothing could be more accurate. The problem is, I don't want to live my life without her. I am a lying, stealing, dishonest scumbag. I cannot believe how much I have taken advantage of my wife. She has been so patient with me. She was supportive when I was expelled and helped me to properly transfer into a new university. She does my laundry and prepares my outfits for the office every week. She makes sure that all our bills are paid (I work and go to nightschool, she goes to school). I let it come to this because I am a fool. I don't know why it took me this long to realize what I've done. I know that I have to tell her about it. I have 4500 dollars of credit card debt that she isn't even aware of. I withdrew from a class and lied. I smoke and lie about it. I've spent obscene amounts of money on eating out and going out with friends and lied about it. I know she is going to want a divorce when I tell her about this. I don't want to lose her, but I suppose I don't deserve her, either. I don't suppose it was even worth posting this. There isn't really any guidance, in my opinion, to save my marriage. I can't see how I will go on without her. I do see now what I have thrown away. I just don't know why it took me this long to grow up. I wish I could go back to the very first day I met her and start it over from scratch. I would do things so much differently. My life would have turned out so much better, and so would hers. I can't believe how I have ruined things for her. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Maybe if you confess everything to her you will have a chance. You need to commit to working on your problems anyway, whether your relationship ends or not. You need to find a way to do that. Perhaps a counselor can help you. I think you should just tell her everything. Maybe she can help you, maybe she will want to end it, or separate for awhile. If you tell her, you won't be a total liar, but a liar trying to make good. The only chance for your relationship, and your life, is to return to honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missouri_guy Posted November 7, 2005 Author Share Posted November 7, 2005 Maybe if you confess everything to her you will have a chance. You need to commit to working on your problems anyway, whether your relationship ends or not. You need to find a way to do that. Perhaps a counselor can help you. I think you should just tell her everything. Maybe she can help you, maybe she will want to end it, or separate for awhile. If you tell her, you won't be a total liar, but a liar trying to make good. The only chance for your relationship, and your life, is to return to honesty. You are correct. And I suppose the least I can do is come clean with what I've really done and then let her decide. It's her right. She's still young (23) and has her whole life ahead of her. I hope that she will give me another chance, but obviously, she shouldn't. I guess we will see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Yeah, you need to find a way to 'fess up and face her and yourself. But also you need to see a shrink perhaps. Try to figure our why you're a compulsive liar and find a way to deal with it. You might be able to come clean about what you've done but keeping yourself that way is another story. You remind me a little bit of a former freind of mine, after years and years eventually I had to walk away from him. In the end the lying and using with no remorse was just way to much to bear. The constant wanting forgiveness and 'I'll change' with no changes. He ended up on skid row a junkie but there wqas nothing anyone could do for him anymore because he broke everyone's trust too many times. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 I am glad you are excepting what you have done and want to fix it .. I think you can change as long as you are willing .. You should go to marriage counselling and get out what you have lied about .. You can't live in a marriage with so much lies and deception and expect it to last .. You are taking advantage of your wife and she doesn't deserve it.. Come clean and get help with your marriage if you want it to work be honest and upfront otherwise she is going to hate what you have been doing and start to resent you and then your marriage is doomed.. I wish my h wouldn't keep things from me because it makes me believe anything he says or does.. We have little communication and every marriage needs that !! We went to counselling and it was working till counselor stepped on his toes and made him cry and he won't go back!! Glad you are bending and making the first move!!! Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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