Why did he leave out of nowhere?

[ems9882]

So, I have been dating a guy for 2.5 months. After a month he asked me to be with him. I agreed. We have had alot of fun and great conversation. The comminunication was great. We spent about 3 days a week together and I met his friends. He told me hes very happy and never had a lady treat him this way.  3 days ago we had a disagrement and he broke up with me after an hour of thinking. Said my feelings have progressed further then his and it feels forced. 1 hour before that he was saying he missed me and he had no reservations about us. What possibly happend in an hour that he says he doesnt feel the same as me all the sudden?  Chances of him relazing he messed up? As he says he loves how i treated him. Advice please. Im so hurt over this.  Also, sex sidnt take place for about 6 weeks into this. He says he revevauluated his feelings in 1 hour but right before he had no issues. 

[Alvi]

3 minutes ago, ems9882 said:

we had a disagrement and he broke up with me after an hour of thinking

What was the disagreement about? Who started it? Might be that he saw some red flags or he saw some incompatibilities. Or could be that the disagreement brought up some bad memories in him from the past.

6 minutes ago, ems9882 said:

He says he revevauluated his feelings in 1 hour but right before he had no issues. 

I bet that he was just in love with the idea of love. It sounded real to him till his rose-colored glasses fell off.  Some relationships are meant to last but most don't so don't beat yourself up. I am sure  you are not at fault here.

11 minutes ago, ems9882 said:

never had a lady treat him this way

And what way is that? What is he saying? Is he choosing to date women who treat him badly? He never had a lady to treat him this way but how is he treating ladies himself? I would take this statement as a yellow flag probably and ask a guy to elaborate more. I wonder if you yourself overinvested in this relationship. What did you give him (in other words why does he thinks that you treated him better than all the other women in his life)? How much time and energy and money maybe did you put into this? And also, what and how much did he give you in return? Do you think that he felt smothered? 

This is not your fault. Most people are not compatible anyway. But what works in the successful relationship is the communication and the willingness to compromise. There are people, who are going to give up after a first or second argument and there are going to be people who will try to find a common ground and continue with the relationship. 

[ems9882]

So the disagremnt was i told him i missed him. He said i miss you to. And i said " i hope so" as in i hope he misses me like i miss him.  He got mad amd said i sounded as if i was doubting him. I apolgized and said im sorry i made you feel that way and that was not how i meant it. He started yelling and told me hes done talking. And then text me an hour later and broke up with me.  He said hes never had a women who did so much becuse he had a long weekend and i asked what i can do to make it easier for him. Cook a meal etx.  Thats when he said he loves how i treat him . 

Edited May 3, 2023 by ems9882

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, ems9882 said:

 I have been dating a guy for 2.5 months.  Also, sex sidnt take place for about 6 weeks into this. 

Sorry this happened. Are either of you recently out of a relationship, still talking to and ex or on/off with an ex? 

This seems like an abrupt turnaround, almost as if precipitated an argument as an exit. "Hope you miss me too" is not a reason for a fight or breakup. Something else is going on. 

[ems9882]

This is exactly my thoughts. He says after thinking about it hes not where i am emotionally. But and hour 24 hours and 3 days before he stated he was. Both have been single for a while until we met.

[Gaeta]

52 minutes ago, ems9882 said:

So the disagremnt was i told him i missed him. He said i miss you to. And i said " i hope so" as in i hope he misses me like i miss him.  He got mad amd said i sounded as if i was doubting him. I apolgized and said im sorry i made you feel that way and that was not how i meant it. He started yelling and told me hes done talking. And then text me an hour later and broke up with me.  He said hes never had a women who did so much becuse he had a long weekend and i asked what i can do to make it easier for him. Cook a meal etx.  Thats when he said he loves how i treat him . 

Listen, after this in bold, you're the one who should have broken up with him. Don't let anyone raise their voice at you!! This man was going to be an abusive boyfriend, 2,5 months in and he's yelling and questioning your trust?? Let him gone please!! this is NOT a good man. 

[Alvi]

58 minutes ago, ems9882 said:

. Cook a meal etx.  Thats when he said he loves how i treat him . 

And did he reciprocate it in some ways? Such as cooking for you in return, taking you out, etc

1 hour ago, ems9882 said:

He started yelling and told me hes done talking. And then text me an hour later and broke up with me.

You know what? Good riddance! Think you lucky stars that you didn't end up with the abusive man. 

[Calmandfocused]

Op can I ask you to consider something for a moment please? 
 

Do you think that him flying off the handle at such a throwaway comment is normal or appropriate? 
 

I ask you this because I certainly don’t. I perceive it as an extreme and hostile overreaction. 
 

Maybe he is mentally deranged, maybe he was looking for an excuse to break up, I really don’t know. However the question you need to ask yourself is, would you want to me with someone anyway who behaves this erratically? 
 

He’s given you a sneak preview of who he really is. Take heed
 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think there is way more to this than he’s telling you, OP. 

His reaction to you was completely nuts, and it sounds to me like he staged this fight to make his exit. Either he’s not very mentally stable, or he hasn’t given you the honest truth about why he’s called this off. 

I frankly wouldn’t want to be around a man who lost his mind and yelled at me for such a benign comment. 

[ems9882]

yes, he did take me out etc. we went and did things together 

[Blind-Sided]

Sorry this has happened to you.  But it's probably for the best that it happened now rather than later. 

While I fully understand about things feeling forced (I'm kind of in one of those now) It sounds like he either had a guilty conscience, or he is just a little crazy for going off on such a simple thing. But then again... if he was feeling forced in some way... he may have been looing for a reason. 

Can I ask how old you two are? 

[ems9882]

So he was actually the one who asked to be together not me . So i dont feel as if he was forced at all. We are 40 ans 44

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, ems9882 said:

So the disagremnt was i told him i missed him. He said i miss you to. And i said " i hope so" as in i hope he misses me like i miss him.  He got mad amd said i sounded as if i was doubting him. I apolgized and said im sorry i made you feel that way and that was not how i meant it. He started yelling and told me hes done talking. And then text me an hour later and broke up with me.

Hmm. Quite the thin skin there.

Consider that it may be possible he never intended this to be more than a fling. So your "misstep" just became an excuse to end things.

Or, IF that really set him off that badly, then he has such a thin skin that it's a real problem with him. Take it from someone in a 20+ year marriage, you NEED to be able to handle/recover from some minor irritations and the like. That's a minimum requirement, and frankly life is likely to throw much more than just this at you. Given all that, I think you should recognize that, despite how you may feel at the moment, he's not really LTR material. He needs to really "mellow out" a bit before he'd be ready for one. He probably recognizes this about himself too, at some level.

My advice is that you recognize that and move on.

Edited May 3, 2023 by mark clemson

[Lotsgoingon]

He comes off as the jerk here, and the good (and bad news) is that you have discovered that he is a jerk.

Your words shouldn't have set him off so much. So the point is you were going to get to this problem some time in the relationship--you might as well get to it now and cut your losses.

I'm curious: what did you mean by "I hope so"? Was his original answer not sufficient?

 

Edited May 3, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[smackie9]

I agree this guy was a jerk in sheep's clothing. He's overly sensitive in an abusive way...gross. You dodged a bullet. Girl don't take what they say as promises...it was most likely just talk. Be glad he's gone. 

[JTSW]

17 hours ago, ems9882 said:

So the disagremnt was i told him i missed him. He said i miss you to. And i said " i hope so" as in i hope he misses me like i miss him.  He got mad amd said i sounded as if i was doubting him. I apolgized and said im sorry i made you feel that way and that was not how i meant it. He started yelling and told me he's done talking. And then text me an hour later and broke up with me.

This a majorly extreme overreaction from him.

Do you know anything about his past relationships?

It sounds as though he's had some bad experiences with how women have treated him. 

Your comment (as innocent as it was) clearly triggered him.

If he tries to talk to you again, hear him out but don't take him back.

He has some underlying issues he needs to address before he gets into another relationship.

[Weezy1973]

2.5 months is usually around the time where incompatibilities start to show themselves. It’s possible he wanted to break up prior and just used this as an incident to do it. Or it’s also possible he has deeper issues that caused his extreme reaction. Either way, don’t spend too much time thinking about it. It’s only 2.5 months - not a ton invested here. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, JTSW said:

This a majorly extreme overreaction from him.

Do you know anything about his past relationships?

It sounds as though he's had some bad experiences with how women have treated him. 

Your comment (as innocent as it was) clearly triggered him.

If he tries to talk to you again, hear him out but don't take him back.

He has some underlying issues he needs to address before he gets into another relationship.

Agree.

Your comment and his reaction isn't really happening in the context of what's actually going on. 

Most times, reactions like this are in response to an old story coming up, an old concern, an old hurt. There's also the other piece to this where he said that "he feels your feelings progressed further then his." 

It does sound like he is harboring negative feelings from a past relationship that he is still trying to work through. He's also not ready to make the commitment that you want, and his reaction may be a protective measure. The response he gave is usually emotional, instinctive, rather than conscious.

So, it's not the result of something you did wrong. 

He needs to work "his stuff" out.