Husband & Type of Porn

[Confused123]

Hi Everyone, thanks for reading my post. I promise this post is not the same old thing of a women being upset about her husband's porn use. I have been through that in my life and my husband and I have worked through it. His porn use was a bit excessive at one point. However, I don't feel he is still at that stage. We both had to come to some undertstanding about each other and I feel like we had, until I came across this.

 

I don't mind if he views porn every so often, I mean I masterbate every so often. The issue I am having is the type of porn he has recently been viewing. I came across a site that he had viewed twice last week and found it very distrubing. It main focus was on teens and rough sex. It displayed this women having sex in a very forceful manner, slapping on the face, pulling of the hair, ect.. Ok, the issue I have with this is pretty obvious. I actually am a women that enjoy's rough sex and my husband and I can get alittle crazy sometime. My husband and the rest of his family for that matter have major control issues. My husband, just happens to live these out through porn... Partly, I understand and in another token I am kinda sick to my stomach about it. I haven't said anything to him and I am not sure how to approach this one. Porn has been a constant source of aggeration for us and I am not looking to have a big blow out with him about it. I am just very disturbed by this site and think the level of disrespect it shows towards women it just not acceptable to me. Any advice would be greatly. appericated.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Just talk to him about it. Calmly let him know that you are not concerned with his sexuality or his self-pleasure, and keep the focus entirely on the content of the site. If you let him, he will force it into a "you are trying to control me" argument. You definitely don't want that. Keep the focus entirely on the content of the site, and why you are uncomfortable with it. Refuse to answer to anything that he says to you that doesn't directly deal with the content of the site and how uncomfortable you are with it. Simply redirect him to the issue. For example (and I'm giving the worst case scenario in terms of his reactions, but that is mainly to show how to redirect even in the face of the worst responses from him):

 

YOU: I would like to talk to you about how I'm feeling about the type of porn you are watching, and why it bothers me.

 

HIM: Great. Here you go again with the porn thing.

 

YOU: I know you are frustrated, but this isn't about your porn use, this is about the type of porn you are watching and how it makes me uncomfortable. I'd like to talk to you about that, not about the fact that you are using porn.

 

HIM: I've had it with your insecure, controlling behavior - can't a man have some privacy to jerk off to what he likes?

 

YOU: I understand that you feel this is a privacy and control issue, but this isn't about insecurity or control issues. This is about the fact that the type of porn you are watching makes me uncomfortable because (insert your non-argumentative statements here about why it makes you uncomfortable).

 

HIM: I'll watch whatever the hell I feel like watching, you already cut off my nuts about this once and now you want to control the TYPE of porn I watch? Are you threatened by younger, more attractive women?

 

YOU: I understand that you are angry and feel like you are being controlled and your privacy violated, and that you feel a need to lash out at me. But lets keep the focus on what is really the issue. I feel that the type of porn you are watching is threatening because (insert your non-argumentative statements here again), because it makes me feel (insert calm-emotional, factual non-argumentative statements about how you are feeling with him watching this type of porn - remind him that this is about you, not him).

 

HIM: (he may continue to rant, pout or get angry)

 

YOU: I can see that you are angry and perhaps now is not a good time to talk. I would like to talk with you about this when you can be more calm. Lets talk about it (insert a SPECIFIC time and place here so that he can really give his side of things some thought in a goal-directed instead of vague sense).

 

Pointers:

 

Never, ever address or answer to his anger. Simply acknowlege it and redirect to the issue at hand.

Ignore insults and refuse to address them or answer to them or even acknowledge them.

Always acknowlege what he is saying in terms of how he feels, but do not agree with it. Simply acknowlege it.

Never raise your voice, or be angry or cry. You have to have a calm stone face for this, and a calm, non-threatening, even-cadenced voice. If you feel yourself getting emotional, end the conversation before you show it.

Always keep an even, calm tone - even if you are boiling inside.

 

If you lose your temper, explode or start addressing his statements/insults and debating them, you have lost. Period. If you try to show how hurt you are by crying/begging/pleading/shouting, you have lost. You have to resist answering to his statements - even if they are hurtful to you and make you want to lash back at him. If you show negative hurt emotions, his guilt and frustration will fuel his anger further.

 

That is what he wants, in order to be justified in his thinking. Simply disallow that, by acknowledging his feelings, and ignoring insults and keeping the focus on the issue at hand. It isn't easy, but if you can keep a stone face and steadfast. This means you have to be very repetitive - eventually he will be forced to discuss the actual issue when he is more calm - it may take a time or two to catch him in a calm moment, but eventually he'll get there if you can be strong enough about it.

[Hot Coco]

In my opinion the type of porn he's watching shouldn't really be an issue. It falls under the category of fantasy. I think all of us are turned on by things we wouldn't necessarily do in real life.

 

I understand how you feel about it but does he treat YOU with respect? That's what's important here. You might want to ask him, in a non-confrontational way what it is about it that turns him on. That you're just curious. See what he says. That will tell you a lot I think.

[Aquarius Guy]

Dear Confused 123,

 

TV and movie images have many killings and violence. This is a normal, human release of tension.

 

It does not sound like you have a good understanding of porn for men.

 

I like to have porn movies on the marital bedroom TV while I make love to my wife. I like both Live sex and images.

 

Whatever porn your H might like, have it on the TV while he is making foreplay Love with you. There are studies that show that men are more satiated, chemically, if porn is added to sex.

 

In the interests of fidelity, maximize his satiation.

 

Here is a thread on enjoying porn together:

 

http://www.sexualforums.com/talk/showthread.php?t=1941

 

Go out together and find some DVD's that turn him on while in foreplay with you. Make sure that he is walking around limp.

 

Blessings

[Confused123]

We actally do watch Porn together and I do enjoy it. I do understand men and porn. I am not confused about their need to have alittle taboo fantasy. The issue I am having is the site, photo's of women's head in toliet bowls being ****. I am not threatened by these women. I am 28 years old, I look damm good and my husband and I have great uninhabited sex. I let him pull my hair, call me a slut, I don;t care. We brought this out in each other. I understand that. Maybe, I should let this one go, but I am brothered by how over the top it is. I could understand if I was a women who didn't like rough sex, but I do. So, it is not that I don't understand the allure. I just think it is broading the line of what is just plain sick and what is some inoccent fantasy.

[LucreziaBorgia]

While it is just a fantasy (albeit a violent one), there is no reason why you should feel that you can't share how you feel about it. This isn't about porn use, human sexuality or fantasy - its about one partner doing something that makes the other uncomfortable, regardless of what it is. Whatever that thing is that is making the other uncomfortable has to be addressed in order for the issue to be resolved. Make it about respect and boundaries and communication in general - not porn use or sexuality and you'll get a lot further with resolving this between you.

[glittergurl]

Oh, that's exactly why I don't want to know if or what kind of porn my husband watches. That's his private fantasy life; and I wouldn't want to know 100% of what flies through his head. What you don't know can't upset you (and I mean this within healthy, sane, and moral limits).

[portableversion]

you've already said you don't mind being degraded while having sex and that it is a turn on for you. So why do you care if you SICK hubby get off watching the same thing on a computer screen??

 

IMO, you and your husband are sickos for doing this ****. but you've already accepted his behavior so deal with it.

[Hot Coco]

Good points made by some of the other posters and although, I agree that it's an issue if it bothers you, you can CHOOSE to let it bother you or not. Yes, it sounds like it's way over the line from what you guys do in bed...that's what fantasy is about - crossing over a line that you wouldn't in real life.

[Confused123]

Portableversion- I was not looking for your opinion on whether or not you find my sexually practices in the bedroom messed up. There is nothing wrong with two people who are commited and in love with each other turning up the fantasy notch alittle bit. Sounds like you need to pull that sick out of your a**. I was looking for an opinion from someone with an open mind, clearly you are too insecure in your own sexuality to allow yourself to let go every once and a while.

 

If you took the time to read my post you would see that I was not upset about him looking at that type of stuff, however, the degree of it was distrubing to me. I was only looking for other's opinion on this. Maybe, I did open the flood gates for this one, but I can't help that the degree of the porn was alittle distribing to me.

 

If you have nothing helpful to say, don't waste your time writing.

[Hot Coco]

Just curious...why would you take the time to respond to that stupid post and then ignore and not acknowledge the ones who WERE taking the time out to try to help you?

[Confused123]

HotCoco- I was going to respond to everyone elses. I was just seriously annoyed by that person response. I do appericate everyone elses response. I am working, so it is hard to get to everything as much I would like to.

 

I understand that to a certain extent I did accept this behavior, if anything I brought it out in him. I am a very confident women, I am not really threatened by porn. I just found what he was watching a bit extreme, even for our bedroom practices. I can't say I am surprised, my husband does have some control issues, I think that is where part of his love for porn stems from. He is in complete control when he is watching it and it is strictly for his pleasure. I guess I was just looking for some people's advice on how to handle this. I am still not sure if I am going to bring it up. He does not disrespect in our relationship in any way. He is a very loving, supportive partner. I guess I was just alittle shocked at that one. I am sorry for not responded, I do appericate you taking the time to give me your opinion.

[Hot Coco]

It's ok, no harm done. I understand.

 

Your H sounds like a great guy and that this is just an outlet for him. Personally, I wouldn't make a big deal about it. Do you ever think about or fantasize about things you wouldn't necessarily want him to know about? I mean not just sexual? I think we ALL do. To me, this really falls under that category. Why stir up trouble. Sounds like you have a good marriage and as they say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

 

You could still ask him WHY he likes that..what it does for him. It's probably nothing horrible. That might put your mind at ease.

[Aquarius Guy]

Dear Confused123,

 

I thought your response to PORTABLEVERSION was very well written. Thank you for your defense of those of us who enjoy porn with our spouses.

 

It does take confidence in your self to let yourself go and have fun.

 

Another Poster, LucreziaBorgia, brought up the idea, that whatever you feel uncomfortable about, you should be able to bring up your concerns to your spouse in a constructive manner, for a meaningful discussion.

LucreziaBorgia also gave a number of helpful concepts for a woman to discuss Porn issues with a man.

 

Another difficulty in discussing porn with a man, is that porn gets such varried criticism, that most men find it easiest just to keep it private, even if they have to lie about it.

 

It does not realy sound like a Boundaries issue, but I will give you a link to Boundaries material:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=2750915&an=0&page=0#2750915

 

Blessings

[portableversion]

Who has got the control issue?? Sounds like you CONFUSED.

 

You don't mind him watching violent porn that degrades and humiliates women, but you don't want him doing it too often?? How often is too often? Whatever. It's like saying, "honey, i don't mind you banging the livestock, but only once a month okay??"

 

Eventually, you won't be able to keep up with his fantasies because they'll be too much for you. And then he'll retreat into his porn even more. Unless you don't mind hubby sticking your head in a toilet while he azz****s you. Enjoy!

[Aquarius Guy]

Dear Confused123,

 

If you are into threapeutic coaching, her a a few concepts..

 

I believe I hear your concerns about H being attracted to this kind of disrepectful violence toward women.

 

So what I am attempting to fashion, is some short, non-judgemental phrases, by which you can bring up your concenrns, in a non-judgemental manner, that may generate some therapeutic thinkng for H. Do you have a thrapist you can use for advice, if you feel you hjave serious questions?

 

"What kinds of thoughts occur to you when you see pictures/movies of women being extremely dominated by men? "

 

Then just leave the question hanging. Don't really expect an answer. Maybe later he might be willing to discuss his actual thoughts. You need to expect lies, initially. So probably his first remarks will be irrelevant.

 

"What kinds of personal movies play for you? Any scenes come to mind? What about envison images you have seen recently, and play them backwards. What other thoughts/visions/experiences come to your mind as you play the scenes backwards? Anyuthing want to talk about, or do you want to keep your thoughts private for now?"

 

Blessings

[whichwayisup]

Maybe he needs to take a break from it, and you too. Get back to pleasing and loving eachother in the bedroom instead of relying on sexual fantasy so much.

 

It's OK to have fun and fantasy, but too much of it becomes a habit it will interfer in your sex life. Sounds like it has already.

 

another thing to consider is take a break completely and ENJOY eachother out in public. See movies, go to a hockey game or football. Laugh and be silly.

[stampgirl]

hi confused..I have some information for you thay you may find somewhat helpful, however I would rather speak somewhat privately. I can't seem to access private messaging on here so if you would like to, I can contact you by email, I just need your address.

[RecordProducer]

Dear Confused,

 

too bad you saw the websites. Often the ignorant is blessed. I don't se ho you can make him NOT WANT to look at these porn sites. As I understood, you are bothered by the fact that he likes this type of movies. Your intention is probably not to force him to stop watching them.

 

I would advise you to talk to him without accusing him of anything and see why he watches these movies and how it relates to reality. Why he gets aroused by violence and children. Have a long, long conversation about this, don't let anything stay unsaid because it's better to exhaust th subject once then keep bringing it many times. I guarantee you that you will feel better after talking to him about this.

 

Don't try to change his preferences as your attempt will be futile. The only thing you can achieve is to make him erase the history and hide his "habit" from you as so many men do. Your goal should be to understand his side and become even closer, not to create an unnecesary distance. You may ask him to spare you and hide it from you if that would make you feel better. But don't make him hide it because you prohibit this type of behavior.

[Confused123]

Thank you everyone for taking the tme to respond. This situsation is not an easy one to deal with and I appericate everyone's input. I think alot of you have some great advice. I agree to a certain degree that it is a fantasy and it is ok that he plays that out. He does not treat me like crap, he is wonderful husband and we have sex aleast 5-6 times a weeks, so it is not as if his porn use is a result of his lack of desire for me. Although, I am still brothered by it. So, I think I may approach it, when the time is right in a nonconfronting why.

 

Portableversion- I do not have control issues, I do not want my husband EVER looking at porn that so over the top degrading towards women. I have never acted like I find it acceptable, you are out of line. I would love to hear about your sex life. I am sure your partner is about to explode with sexual tension being with someone who is so gooddamm up tight. Why do your waste you time telling me I have issues? I came on this site to get advice from people that can understand where i am coming from. You seem to be outnumbered in this post. So, take you uptight opinion about my sex life and shove it up you ***. I never once said that I agreed with the type of porn he watched. Yes, I do like sex alittle rough sometimes, not all the time. But, there is nothing wrong with keeping things exciting and different. If you cannot share you sexually desire with your partner, then you will only end up in a marriage that is full of fustration.