My Parents are Confusing Me

[FedUpWithThings]

I really need advice on helping understand this. My parents are just confusing me and are very demanding. I am 16. They will give me permission to go out with this guy I like, and they get mad. Absolutely nothing happens, all we do is something as simple as go out and ride around (they KNOW thats what we do because either they spy on us or they send my brother to), hang out at this cafe down town, or at his house (with his parents there.) They guy is 2 years older than me, and is very mature. They said that they trust me to make the right decision and going out with him is not it, yet they still let me and I get in trouble for it. On Saturday's&Sunday's maybe we will go out, but thats it. Most of the time, throughout the week we talk on the phone for about 10 minutes a day becuase were both so busy.

 

And then when I get home from school and am not working they expect me to help my mom on every second of free time I have. I don't care, I will help my mom, but I have homework to do, and tests to study for....and if I get a bad grade I get grounded. Yet I try to go and study and they have me doing chores. Which again, I don't mind, but school comes first. They also don't make my 17 year old brother do much at all. When he gets home from school, they let him go to his friends house, be outside working on his car, or in the house working on the computer, they could also care less that he gets bad grades. But they "expect more out of me." I mean, while they are out of the house I will do my homework and such and then I will be on the computer (which I'm doing right now.)

 

Then on my friends, they don't like any of them except one, and she is, well, we aren't exactly friends anymore because she don't like the idea of me having a boyfriend. My mom gets mad at me because I "blow her off." And I'm not, I try to call and talk to her but she always says she's "too busy to talk to me." So I don't really push it anymore, I have alot of other friends (guys and girls both) that are happy for me because I have a boyfriend, and when I'm able to go out and do something with them, they always want me to take him with us.

 

As for my job goes, I have a weekend job at this little bakery. They will come in and check on me at least twice while I'm working because they "don't trust me because I'm working with guys that are older than me." The guys who I do work with, are 16-18, and we have been friends literally forever. I also babysit for extra money a few times a month for this younger couple. They told me I have to quit my job (except babysitting because I can be at home) because I need to focus more on school, which I TRY, but they are always having me do something.

 

I just don't know. Please, any advice would be great. I'm just lost, they give me permission to go out with this guy, yet when I do they just lecture me forever, and they get mad when I'm talking to him on the phone.

 

Sorry it's so long.

[catalyst]

From the sound of your post you sound like an incredibly well adjusted kid. They must be doing something right. Count yourself lucky to have them. Sounds like they are scared to death and if you want to know why, watch the news. It may not be you they dont trust. Girls like you seem to have a habit of coming up missing, or at least the media makes it sound that way. Either way every time you walk out the door they face the thought of you not coming back. Try to get them talking about it and see if thats it. It would explain why they are easier on your brother. What they are doing is letting you have some freedom, then watching you like a hawk. When they yell at you for going out with your bf, they just may be having a fear reaction. Probably very nervous the whole time you were gone, then blow when you get home. At least they do realize they have to let you out of the house. Thats a good thing, try to find ways to make that easier for them.

[Lil Honey]

I think you are me, reincarnated. I could have wrote that post 28 years ago.

 

My parents didn't like me going out with my boyfriend, but they let me anyway. They SAID that it was because my first two sisters were in trouble all the time. (BTW, I was no where near close in age to my sisters, so it was almost like we weren't sisters at all.) I think they let me, because they were afraid that I'd sneak out.

 

Anyway, they watched me all the time. If they trusted me, I certainly didn't feel like it. I worked, I did school work, and I did chores, just like you. And like you, I never felt like I was doing enough - or doing good enough - to please them.

 

Of course, like you, my brother was able to go out until all hours of the night. I would be doing household chores, washing cars and cutting grass while he was listening to his stereo. All that did for me was feel that because I was a girl, I wasn't worth as much as my brother. The only time anyone praised me was when I worked my butt off.

 

No one knew how close I came to running away from home. Looking back, I simply chalk it up to a learning experience. I learned what not to do when I became a parent. They DID instill SOME good values, but I think they took the long, hard road to do it.

 

Some of what they did, I can appreciate. Some of it, I can't.

 

I wish that I could be more help.

[quankanne]

from the perspective of an adult with things to do: sometimes announcing that you're free until you've got to be doing something or be somewhere helps give others an idea what you're able to do in a short time frame. As in "I'm going to start my homework at 7 tonight, so if there's anything I can do to help between now and then, let me know, okay?" Just keep repeating it so that they know you're willing, but on a tight schedule.

 

as for boys ... well, I really didn't start dating until after I left home, so I didn't have that situation with my parents. However, I can see how they're hanging on tightly with both hands any freedom they do give you because they're worried about their daughter. I'm sure I'd be the same with any little girl I had simply because I wouldn't trust anyone with her! That said, reassure your parents that while you like your co-workers, you see them more like family than potential boyfriend material (if this is true), and maybe get your boss to comment on how well you do at work. Sometimes parents need reassuring that their kid is doing all right and isn't up to no good.

 

this is going to sound like I'm being a wet blanket, but maybe consider inviting your parents along with you and your BF for something (bowling, lunch, a visit to the mall, etc) so that they see for themselves how you two interact. I think if you and he are comfortable around each other, they're going to pick up on it, that things are not as complicated as they might be thinking.

 

in the meantime, hang in there. You sound like a pretty neat chica, even if you feel like you're being pulled in so many different directions right now.

[FedUpWithThings]

I apologize for not responding in such a long time. Things have been alot better. I've read the advice given and took it.

 

First off for school, I told them when I was going to start my homework, asked if they needed any help between here and there, and then did it. At first they were like "Where are you going?" But I kept it up and now it is expected that I start homework then. :)

 

For my bf, well, I invited him to come to my house and get to know my folks, he did, and they are much more at ease (at least they sound like it) when we go out by ourselves. Then when I get home I get questioned about exactly what we did, what time was when we did what and things like that but everything is working out quite well. As a matter of fact, me and my brother are going to go on a double date friday. All of us are quite excited.

 

For work. Still going. They didn't make me quit after I talked to them.They still worry. I tell them that my co-workers are like brothers to me, but they still are kind of worried about that. I did bring it up to my boss, and she does compliment my parents on raising me. Then that makes them "proud". lol.

 

I will have to keep all of you's updated. Thanks for all of your advice, it helped out alot.