I found out that my father had cheated my mother.

[tsilli]

Hi guys, 

I’m writing this topic because I’m stuck. 1 month ago, my elder sister came and visited us from another country. One night, we went out and hanged out together. After that, she wanted to talk about something. My first reaction was “did I do something bad?”. She said no, also she said I should be calm. It was 2 pm and we were sitting in the car. She said, “our father cheated mom, about 3 years ago.” I was shocked. It was not the perfect family. He was not the perfect dad maybe either. She found out that from our close neighboor. Let’s call the neighbor name “D”. Well, my sister didn’t talk mom ever about this because mom didn’t want to find out us. So she kept this information to herself but she said “you’re old enough. Don’t make it personal thing I believe that you should know”. D and my sister says, mom forgived him in a day. Actually they are not good to each other. I always think that it should because of menopause or anthropose or old age thing. Mom always make him good dinner or do something nice to him but he is never be satisfied. They fought a lot but still they stick together for some reason. 

I got mad to her actually because it’s been 3 years. Maybe she got used to it but I couldn’t sleep all night. I cried a lot. I don’t know why. I am mad at mom because she doesn’t have self-respect. I am mad at dad because, I never think that he could do such a thing to her because she gave everything to him. He seems ingrate to me. 

 

Guys, my mom and dad married like 33 years. They met a photo shoot and they fall in love. They loved each other for years and took care of us. It seems always a fairytale to me.

I don’t know, I was quit smoking for 5 months and I started it again. I am eating too much and I can’t even stop the eating meals. I don’t even enjoy it. Could that triggered something inside me? I feel like something broke inside me and I can’t describe it. 

 

Thank you. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, tsilli said:

 She said, “our father cheated mom, about 3 years ago.” I was shocked.  They loved each other for years and took care of us. It seems always a fairytale to me.

Sorry this happened. Have you asked your sister what compelled her to reveal this and reveal it at this time?

While it make shake up your view for a while, you'll have to be respect your parents for keeping adult business to themselves and providing a good childhood. If anything you can appreciate them as imperfect poignant humans who have had some trials and tribulations, yet kept it all together.

[tsilli]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Have you asked your sister what compelled her to reveal this and reveal it at this time?

While it make shake up your view for a while, you'll have to be respect your parents for keeping adult business to themselves and providing a good childhood. If anything you can appreciate them as imperfect poignant humans who have had some trials and tribulations, yet kept it all together.

she says I’m a grown woman and I can handle it. Also she was tired to hide it from me.

 

I understand, I should be. I love them both, I am now at my home, in another city. I am about to graduate from university. Just can’t stop thinking about it sometimes and it upset me. 

[JTSW]

At the end of the day it's their business and there isn't really anything you can do about it.

I know it's hard to learn something like this, but just continue with your life and let them deal with it in their way.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, tsilli said:

I am now at my home, in another city. I am about to graduate from university. Just can’t stop thinking about it sometimes and it upset me. 

How is your relationship with your mother and father in general? Do they know you know? 

Do you live at home or away at school?  Try to digest this news over time. If it's bringing up issues for you perhaps a few sessions with a qualified therapist could help you unpack and sort out some things.

[Jane Cramer]

It's understandable that you're feeling a range of emotions after finding out about your father's infidelity. It's natural to feel angry and betrayed, and it's important to give yourself time to process these feelings. It's also important to remember that your parents' relationship is between them, and it's not your responsibility to fix or judge it. It might be helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor to help you work through these emotions and develop coping strategies. It's also important to prioritize your own self-care during this time, such as continuing to quit smoking and finding healthy ways to cope with stress and emotions. Remember that you are not alone and there is support available to you.

[ShyViolet]

Your parents' relationship is not your issue to solve or to take responsibility for.  You seriously need to detach yourself from this.  I understand being shocked or upset about it, but your reaction sounds really unhealthy and over the top.  If you can't let this go then seek professional help to process it.  Your parents are adults and can handle their own lives.  

[tsilli]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How is your relationship with your mother and father in general? Do they know you know? 

Do you live at home or away at school?  Try to digest this news over time. If it's bringing up issues for you perhaps a few sessions with a qualified therapist could help you unpack and sort out some things.

when I was little, I was close to my father a lot. he was a hero to me. when i was 7 years old he had to go another city for work and we seperated. even that time, they loved each other and waited each other. I never expect from him something like that. he wasn't ideal father, he barely talk to me but I just knew that he would stand up for me and his family. 

 

I am close with mom, we usually talk each other but not that close. I can say I love her more, maybe. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

You obviously are taking this more personal than you ever thought to bring yourself to this level.  Your sister preferred to keep it to herself for the three years and now has decided "Out of the Blue" to confide in you as a sibling.  The way I look at it, It happened three years ago and she should have just continued to keep it to herself but made the decision to just Now-----Share it with you.  Perhaps she never anticipated the reaction she got from you.  Perhaps it weighed heavy on her mind and she needed you to share it with.  Please, Focus on you and don't let this ruin your life.  Things like this occur in many families and although it is a hard nut 😌to crack, Always remember to just stay neutral and be supportive of both parties.  Such as Mom and Dad.   And look out for yourself.  This situation affects each family member differently but always the hardest on the one being cheated on if they would find out.

Edited May 22, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[LuckyM]

First are you very sure your sister is right about this? How does she know? Can she be wrong? How long did cheating go on?  A few times is forgivable maybe but not a long time. You mean intercourse or some other thing?  Maybe he was pushed into it. Until you know all the facts be discreet and don't talk about it or see therapists. If you can't find out more can you give your dad benefit of the doubt. Are you able to ask him indirectly with courtesy?

[mortensorchid]

I am sorry this happened, not just that it happened but what it's also doing to you.  

What is your relationship with your father?  Is he a good guy?  Also, why did your sister choose to tell you this after keeping it a secret for three years?  And is she telling the truth?  Is it still going on?  These are all very complicated questions and there is no one answer to any of them.  

We have all done things we are not proud of.  There is not one person reading this who doesn't have a certain skeleton in their closet.  We have all done / said something we shouldn't have.  Some of them were minor infractions, some of them were major ones.  What can we do about it?  Not much.  Just acknowledge that it was part of learning and it's behind you now.  If when people bring up things that you did / said years ago, they do it because they hate themselves and they want to make you feel as bad as they do about all of the terrible things they did / said to others over the years.  Remember that move Fatal Attraction which we are still debating about.  Now this is not the same situation as that movie, but it happened.  My opinion changed about it - When it came out when I was a middle school kid in the 1980s my knee jerk reaction was to be angry at him because he cheated on his wife.  Now?  Not so much.  It doesn't make it right, not by any means.  But, like I said, we've all done things we're not proud of.  

As for your own reactions, seek counseling.