Please Help Me...please

[Dazed and Confused]

I am so sorry that this is so long, but I have to explain the situation first for you to understand.

 

I am 20 years old and I have been in a relationship with a 19 year old guy for almost four years.

 

The first year and a half, everything was so perfect. After 6 months we moved in together. (I know that we were really young, but you have to understand that we were both very mature for our age, and even adults knew that we were supposed to be together.) It was amazing how we were, we just fit together. We could talk to each other about anything.

 

Right around our 2 year anniversary, I noticed that he was talking quite a bit to a girl at work that was our age. At first I didn't think anything of it, but after a while I started asking questions. Nothing ever happened between them, but he was very confused and didn't know whether he wanted to be with me or her. Even though he didn't cheat, it still hurt alot since we were so close. But, we ended up working things out, and we stayed together.

 

After that, I was kind of bitter. I went from never worrying to worrying all the time. It got to the point to where every time I even talked about how it hurt me, he would just shut off, like he had no feelings and that he didn't care.

 

About six months after his confusion, he started talking to a 13 year old fellow employee's daughter on the internet for hours on end. He wasn't doing anything wrong (it wasn't a sexual thing- they were just good friends), it's just that he paid more attention to her than he did me. They would say "I love you" to each other everytime it came time to say goodbye. And we started getting in fights about it, resulting in him threatening to leave me 4 times now. Which, he is still, currently talking to her for hours on end. This has been going on for over a year now.

 

I've gotten to where I just hold what's bothering me in because if I say a word, he takes the easy way out and just says he's leaving. I know that there is something wrong with a 19 year old talking to a 13 year old little girl. But, I can't get him to understand that. He just thinks that there is something wrong with me because it bothers me. I know that I may be a little too jealous, but there is something wrong here. Especially, since he doesn't even act like he wants to be with me anymore.

 

The last time he said he was leaving, I told him to go ahead. But it was his choice to stay. I don't understand why he won't let me talk to him about my feelings. He chooses to stay, but why does he keep threatening me?

 

The only reason I still try to make this work, is because I know his potencial, and how we used to be. I love him. Please help me.

 

Dazed and Confused

[Tony T]

Stop being dazed and confused and kick his butt out. You are NOT in a relationship at all. If you can't express your feelings, there is NO relationship.

 

You are nuts to tolerate him talking to a 13-year-old and ignoring you for over a year. You shouldn't have let that happen even a day. Matter of fact, he shouldn't be taking to ANY female on the Internet for that kind of time, I don't care what her age is. No, don't tell him what to do or not to do...just leave. Be calm about it. Tell him he has chosen his 13 year old chirpie over you and you wish them great happiness together...bye bye!!!

 

The guy may be a pedophile, that's an adult who is sexually interested in children. A short chat now and then with a young person is one thing. But a continuing, daily discourse that has lasted for over a year in your home while he's ignoring you is completely intolerable. You shouldn't have put up with that for a second.

 

If this guy isn't going to listen to you and talk to you, you have NO CHOICE but to leave him. You are not getting, nor will you ever get, the respect and consideration you need as a woman from this man. He is a cheap, rotten, slimey scumbag and has shown you such incredible disrespect it should make the newspapers.

 

But you are responsible for yourself. You are responsible for putting up with this.

 

If you've got any love for yourself, any self-respect, any self-esteem, YOU WILL BE AWAY FROM THIS GUY FOREVER BY THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!!

 

As far as your first two years of your relationship are concerned, it takes a lot of buttholes that long to show their true colors. Most relationships start off with a passionate bang. Hopefully, they settle in to a comfortable and acceptable level of happiness that will last a long time. Your's didn't. Just because it was very nice for a couple of years makes it all the more painful now. But that's what dating is for.

 

You have now found out that this guy is NOT the guy you thought. He is not considerate, he prefers a computer screen to you, and he is a first class dud to boot (no pun intended). There is NO GOOD REASON FOR STAYING WITH HIM.

 

Moreover, if he ever decides to get together with his 13 year old friend, he will be arrested and you will be alone anyway. Avoid the rush and leave NOW!!!

 

Over and out.

[flava]

Hi Girl,

 

just leave him, and start to live your life as indvidual.

 

try to be independent first,to have fun with out him.

 

just try to understand, that the only thing which u can share with him is love, feeling, nice time, but not his loveley hobby.

 

u don't have any right to rule him.

 

he is just protesting (rebelling) , u don't understand that.

 

u know i was like u, just follow up a guy, what he is doing, instead of having fun, and enjoying the time, he had given me.

 

That was not enough for me, so start controlling the whole movement, so anytime i search, i found something, which makes me crazy, so wenn we met i was just nagging, so the result, he broke up with me.

 

so if u want to save your relationship, leave him , give him a room, space, be lovely to him, give him the best time, so he doesn't need to chat with 13y girl, leave him to do what ever he wants to do, and try to be part of his life, but not his whole life. u know wenn your Guy starts to talk with another lady, it means, he is missing something in the relationship, so instead of snooping, work out in your realtionship. (Fire alarm)

 

u don't have to force him, to do things u want, if he wants to chat let him, chat. u know it has nothing to do with u, it is just his phantasy to chat in internet, thats all, maybe he is eager, so let him do it.

 

he loves u, don't take it personal.

 

Let me give u the last advice, wenn ever u search for something, u will find, what makes u crazy???

 

so leave this habit, snooping....it is very bad habit, wenn the time comes, he will tell u. Don't snoop, trust him....

 

and enjoy the time, things change very quickly.......so don't run in the bush, the time will come bei itself.

[Dazed and Confused]

Somestimes I feel that we don't have a relationship at all too. Other times we have that one good day together and then that feeling goes away. That's what makes this so hard on me. I keep thinking that because he is still young that he is just going through a stage or something, and that he will return to normal eventually. That's what makes me hang on. I shouldn't though. I don't know why I just can't give up. He always just swears that this 13 year old is just a good friend, and that she has nobody else to talk to other than him. Yesterday I asked him exactly what they talk about for that long, and he said she just talks about her little boyfriends. But, what was really alarming, was that he finds it fun to flirt with her when she's around, but he assured me that it didn't mean anything. I just find it sick for him to think it is fun to flirt with someone that young. And to me, it does mean something. He also finds it fun to flirt with her friends too. But, he assured me that he does love me and he does want to be with me. Is it a possibility that he just really does find her as a friend and somebody to talk to? He says that when they say "I love you" it's a friend thing and nothing more. Why was he so much more mature 4 years ago than he is now? I just find it all so odd. Thanks for the advise!

Stop being dazed and confused and kick his butt out. You are NOT in a relationship at all. If you can't express your feelings, there is NO relationship. You are nuts to tolerate him talking to a 13-year-old and ignoring you for over a year. You shouldn't have let that happen even a day. Matter of fact, he shouldn't be taking to ANY female on the Internet for that kind of time, I don't care what her age is. No, don't tell him what to do or not to do...just leave. Be calm about it. Tell him he has chosen his 13 year old chirpie over you and you wish them great happiness together...bye bye!!! The guy may be a pedophile, that's an adult who is sexually interested in children. A short chat now and then with a young person is one thing. But a continuing, daily discourse that has lasted for over a year in your home while he's ignoring you is completely intolerable. You shouldn't have put up with that for a second. If this guy isn't going to listen to you and talk to you, you have NO CHOICE but to leave him. You are not getting, nor will you ever get, the respect and consideration you need as a woman from this man. He is a cheap, rotten, slimey scumbag and has shown you such incredible disrespect it should make the newspapers. But you are responsible for yourself. You are responsible for putting up with this. If you've got any love for yourself, any self-respect, any self-esteem, YOU WILL BE AWAY FROM THIS GUY FOREVER BY THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!!

 

As far as your first two years of your relationship are concerned, it takes a lot of buttholes that long to show their true colors. Most relationships start off with a passionate bang. Hopefully, they settle in to a comfortable and acceptable level of happiness that will last a long time. Your's didn't. Just because it was very nice for a couple of years makes it all the more painful now. But that's what dating is for. You have now found out that this guy is NOT the guy you thought. He is not considerate, he prefers a computer screen to you, and he is a first class dud to boot (no pun intended). There is NO GOOD REASON FOR STAYING WITH HIM. Moreover, if he ever decides to get together with his 13 year old friend, he will be arrested and you will be alone anyway. Avoid the rush and leave NOW!!! Over and out.

[Tony T]

1. "Is it a possibility that he just really does find her as a friend and somebody to talk to?"

 

Absolutely. He would prefer to spend more time with her on the computer than with you in person. He would prefer to disrespect you to have some lame, juvenile conversations with a teeny bopper than to go out and do something with you or otherwise expand his social and intellectual horizons.

 

If he is so hard up for somebody else to talk to that he spends hours on end on the computer with a 13 year old (who he also flirts with in person), he has got problems with hair on them.

 

2. "He says that when they say "I love you" it's a friend thing and nothing more."

 

And one day when he asks her if she'd like to go to bed with him, I'm sure that will also be a friend thing as well and nothing more.

 

3. "Why was he so much more mature 4 years ago than he is now?"

 

He wasn't more mature four years ago. He just cared enough about you to put on a much better act. Now that time has passed and he doesn't have to impress you, he can be his regular juvenile butthole self.

 

4. "I just find it all so odd."

 

His behavior is not nearly as odd as your willingness to sit back and put up with it for the sake of a nice day here and there. If this is what you want for your life, you are in for some pathetic years.

[Dazed and Confused]

I appreciate your honesty. I really do. You've helped me realize that this isn't something normal. He's had me thinking that I shouldn't worry about it, and that it's no big deal. Some friends at work say that I am over reacting, but I am glad to know that somebody else thinks that there is something wrong with this picture. I need to work on my issues. I work in the same workplace as him, and the 13 year old's mom is my manager! And she knows this goes on!!!! I have been yelled at by her because I told her that she needs to be a better mother and address these problems. She told me that it is no big deal and that I should let him do whatever he wants. The mother said that her daughter is just a 13 year old girl and she looks up to him like a brother. A combination of all these things has had me doubting whether I was right or not about this all being sick. My whole life has been so messed up the last few years. I'm so caught up in this mess. So many people at work think that I am the one with jealousy problems and they are all on his side. What is wrong with this world? I will try to work on my problem of not having enough self respect. I thank you for your honesty. It feels good to have another opinion. Thanks...

1. "Is it a possibility that he just really does find her as a friend and somebody to talk to?" Absolutely. He would prefer to spend more time with her on the computer than with you in person. He would prefer to disrespect you to have some lame, juvenile conversations with a teeny bopper than to go out and do something with you or otherwise expand his social and intellectual horizons. If he is so hard up for somebody else to talk to that he spends hours on end on the computer with a 13 year old (who he also flirts with in person), he has got problems with hair on them.

 

2. "He says that when they say "I love you" it's a friend thing and nothing more." And one day when he asks her if she'd like to go to bed with him, I'm sure that will also be a friend thing as well and nothing more. 3. "Why was he so much more mature 4 years ago than he is now?" He wasn't more mature four years ago. He just cared enough about you to put on a much better act. Now that time has passed and he doesn't have to impress you, he can be his regular juvenile butthole self. 4. "I just find it all so odd."

 

His behavior is not nearly as odd as your willingness to sit back and put up with it for the sake of a nice day here and there. If this is what you want for your life, you are in for some pathetic years.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "What is wrong with this world?"

 

Well, how much time do you have? I will say that there is no doubt you work with a lot of very sick people.

 

Any mother who would consent to have her 13-year-old daughter talk to a grown man...and flirt with him to...for hours at a time is very troubled. She also is very clear on what effect this is having on your relationship and she doesn't seem to care. This attitude is typical of a lot of sick people who have emerged on the social scene in recent times.

 

I hope you are able to find another place to work and another boyfriend. Your life will be a lot less confused and a lot more simple if you surround yourself with sane, decent people.

 

These you work with now are nothing short of trash and with the morals and integrity of low class vermin.

[Kathryn]

Please kick him to the curb!! He's emotionally divorced and it doesn't sound like he's really worth the time it takes to improve a relationship. I understand you love him, and I know that makes it hard to leave and stick to it, but you have to if you have any respect for yourself and don't allow anyone to be this disrespectful again. (easier said than done. )

I am so sorry that this is so long, but I have to explain the situation first for you to understand. I am 20 years old and I have been in a relationship with a 19 year old guy for almost four years.

 

The first year and a half, everything was so perfect. After 6 months we moved in together. (I know that we were really young, but you have to understand that we were both very mature for our age, and even adults knew that we were supposed to be together.) It was amazing how we were, we just fit together. We could talk to each other about anything. Right around our 2 year anniversary, I noticed that he was talking quite a bit to a girl at work that was our age. At first I didn't think anything of it, but after a while I started asking questions. Nothing ever happened between them, but he was very confused and didn't know whether he wanted to be with me or her. Even though he didn't cheat, it still hurt alot since we were so close. But, we ended up working things out, and we stayed together. After that, I was kind of bitter. I went from never worrying to worrying all the time. It got to the point to where every time I even talked about how it hurt me, he would just shut off, like he had no feelings and that he didn't care. About six months after his confusion, he started talking to a 13 year old fellow employee's daughter on the internet for hours on end. He wasn't doing anything wrong (it wasn't a sexual thing- they were just good friends), it's just that he paid more attention to her than he did me. They would say "I love you" to each other everytime it came time to say goodbye. And we started getting in fights about it, resulting in him threatening to leave me 4 times now. Which, he is still, currently talking to her for hours on end. This has been going on for over a year now. I've gotten to where I just hold what's bothering me in because if I say a word, he takes the easy way out and just says he's leaving. I know that there is something wrong with a 19 year old talking to a 13 year old little girl. But, I can't get him to understand that. He just thinks that there is something wrong with me because it bothers me. I know that I may be a little too jealous, but there is something wrong here. Especially, since he doesn't even act like he wants to be with me anymore. The last time he said he was leaving, I told him to go ahead. But it was his choice to stay. I don't understand why he won't let me talk to him about my feelings. He chooses to stay, but why does he keep threatening me? The only reason I still try to make this work, is because I know his potencial, and how we used to be. I love him. Please help me. Dazed and Confused