yellowrose Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 My now ex-husband was so intensely emotionally abusive during our marriage that my friends wouldn't even come over any more. He was constantly cutting me down in front of people, telling me I was a horrible mother in private, always grandstanding with the crowds yet ignoring anything positive when we were alone. He would constantly tell me I was a "psycho" for taking medication for depression (that I needed because of him!), that I was fat (at the time I was a size 6), that I abandoned my oldest child (who my ex -a great guy- and I have joint custody of), that I deserved to be cheated on (with my maid of "honor"), that I was physically repulsive... and I think I've made my point. After the 4th affair, which he conducted out in the open with a single mom from our young daughter's daycare, I finally got up the strength to leave him. Even then he constantly chanted that I would fail, that I couldn't handle things on my own, and so on. Well, 2 years later the divorce has wound up but the abuse has gotten even worse. He's playing games with the legal system, always shorting me on support payments, attacking me with vulgarities when on the phone - and the only thing I have to talk to him about is where our 4 year old will be attending school next year. He's also skipped out on court-ordered therapy. I don't have the money to take him back to court and I don't have the power to make this end on my own. What do I do? How do I cut these ties? I feel like somone in one of those cheesy 50's gang movies, you know, where the guys are tied by the wrist to have a knife fight? Except I'm bound to him by our daughter and I can't get away, so he will always have a way to abuse me. If anyone has any ideas, please, I'm desperate for your input. Thank you. -yr Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Yellow...I have a friend who's a lawyer specializing in these matters. If you could post an email address here, I'll try to help. You can create an email just to post it here so that your regular email isn't publicized. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 So sorry to hear you was in that situation good thing you left!! He can't be in control of you anymore so don't let him get to you !@! I know easier said than done .. Good Luck hope it all works out and you are finally rid of him for good!! Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Ok, sorry but I just noticed that you have another post on the same issue and that you're in IL. Can't help since you're in a different state. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Are you eligible for Legal Aid? Have you tried talking to a local domestic violence centre and asking for a referral? Link to post Share on other sites
Author yellowrose Posted November 7, 2005 Author Share Posted November 7, 2005 Apparently in Chicago you have to be 120%-200% below the poverty level in order to qualify for legal aid. Add to that the wonderful Miss "Johnson" who spoke to me and I don't know how anyone ever gets any help from them. She told me "Look. Briefly tell me what's going on. I have a lot of other people to talk to besides you." Every 2-3 seconds she would cut me off and inform me of how busy she was. At the end I told her, "I understand you're busy and I appreciate your time. But it's not as though I'm keeping you from doing your job, right?" I mean, that *is* her job, isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Apparently in Chicago you have to be 120%-200% below the poverty level in order to qualify for legal aid. Add to that the wonderful Miss "Johnson" who spoke to me and I don't know how anyone ever gets any help from them. She told me "Look. Briefly tell me what's going on. I have a lot of other people to talk to besides you." Every 2-3 seconds she would cut me off and inform me of how busy she was. At the end I told her, "I understand you're busy and I appreciate your time. But it's not as though I'm keeping you from doing your job, right?" I mean, that *is* her job, isn't it? sounds to me like you need to report her to her supervisor. She is not doing her job approprietly. There is help out there for people in your area. I'm sure of it. When I lived in Fargo ND I got help from the rape and abuse center. here in the twin cities there is a agency called Cornerstone that helps women in your situation. I also had to use them. You should be able to find a agency of domestic abuse that can help you find the necessary assitance you need called united way they can direct you to agencies for help. I'm sure you can get a no contact or order of protection on him to leave you alone. Any kind of abuse that ruins your quality of life is abuse. whether he has touched you or not. It caused mental and emotional anguish and if you cant funcition in a possitive enviroment due to his input and influence then you need to remove any contact with him. If he is that verbally abusive towards you it might be a bad idea to have him have unsupervised contact with your child. He will bad mouth you and your child will talk to you and treat you that way. My son started to do it to me when he was little. My gfs children are doing it to her now. Call united way and as them for resources for help, They will ask you questions about your situation and then give you some guidance as to who to call and where to go for legal councel.. Cornerstone didn't charge me anything here. The sent an advocate with me when I went to court so I didn't have to go along. I make too much money to get assistance but not enough to pay for a lawyer.. I am borderline with my finances and can't afford to do anything on my own. Link to post Share on other sites
Skeered Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 OK #1 you need to be totally confident in yourself that the crap he says about you is BOGUS...you need to look at the strength you have already had and realize that you LEFT HIM you are DIVORCED and you are a STRONG STRONG woman for leaving a very horrible situation... Next time he starts with the idol comments and his little stupid remarks tell him to stop it that you aren't calling him for that...you only want to make sure that you have things settled with your child..if he continues just say ok I'll call back later when you can be a man instead of a child. As far as the support payments if they aren't coming out of his paycheck then you need to seek out the Child Support offices in your city, they will get his wages garnished because he is in violation of a court order. If he's paying through a garnishment he cannot short you because that would be done with his payroll clerk in an agreement with the clearinghouse that takes out the support payments. So find out how he's paying you..also what type of custody do you have with your child..joint, sole what? Link to post Share on other sites
Author yellowrose Posted November 7, 2005 Author Share Posted November 7, 2005 padameckla & skeered- Thank you both for your input. I suppose that, more than anything right now, I just need the emotional props and confirmations that I'm not wrong to proceed like this. Wage garnishment, unfortunately, is not an option. He's a real estate broker. We have joint custody. His support payments are minimal and he makes so much more than I do. He only has to pay for half of her health insurance and daycare. But he can't get past the fact that the check goes to me, so he sees it as a power play against him and that he must reposition himself into a stance where he can be in control again. Sick jerk. But that's his typical M.O. Link to post Share on other sites
Skeered Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 UGH these deadbeat totally missing the point parents...your ex sounds like most of the deadbeat parents out there...I mean they miss the point completely that it isn't free to raise a child that they helped create...you are doing your part in raising your child and he needs to do his part and make sure that your childs life stays put. Ok so wage garnishment is out because I take it he works on commission and he prolly owns his own business where he pays himself...however I'm wondering if there isn't some sort of garnishment center that he would have to pay in which it shows the courts that he is ACTUALLY making the correct payments. Ya know what I mean a sort of checks and balances system. As far as the day care and insurance I'm sure that was something decided in court so for that I can just say make the best of it and push that aside as a got to get used to it kinda thing.. As far as getting the emotional props you need right now...nooooooooo problemo...you have lead a tough life with this guy and he hurt you deeply..but you are a stong woman, you are able to defeat this guy and get to a point where his pety words will no longer even effect you. You are stronger than he is because you can be honest and truthful to yourself, this man is a coward and has lost an incredible part of his life. As far as your child is concerned (not sure if you said you had a daughter or not) but please make sure that your child learns STARTING NOW that they are strong individuals and that they need not deal with a person that is hurtful like that in thier lives...unfortunately no matter how old a child is they are like little sponges and see and absorb the bad stuff and later you might see it in their lives as far as what they except for themself. While you are getting stronger and more confident keep lifting your child up too to except more from life. You both can get strong together.. But everyday when you wake up look at yourself in a new stronger, more confident light...your gonna be fine... Link to post Share on other sites
Author yellowrose Posted November 7, 2005 Author Share Posted November 7, 2005 As far as your child is concerned (not sure if you said you had a daughter or not) but please make sure that your child learns STARTING NOW that they are strong individuals and that they need not deal with a person that is hurtful like that in thier lives. I'm all over that part. Her nickname is "Piglet". Because as the book says, "Piglets are small but brave." I love her so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Skeered Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Yellow you are going to be fine...and keep up the good work...it's amazing how much our children make us tough..my daughter is my everything and when I saw what the abuse I was enduring was doin to her that's all it took...I was out... CONGRATS and keep that inner strength comin Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 Yellow, I left my x about 7 yrs ago. He was abusive, also. He made my life a living hell! My self-esteem was so low that I can't even imagine feeling like that again. I was with him for 9 yrs. I never thought about leaving until one night, after one of his big childish temper tantrums (lookin' back now, that's how I see his abuse), I noticed my 2 small kids were hiding in a closet scared. He threw the phone at me and he thought it broke...but, I held it and called 911. The call alerted the police and they arrested him. I remember the police handed me a 800#. He told me to call and they will help me. I called them the next day. I ended up leaving and hid in a shelter with my kids for 3 months. It was tough, but worth every minute! I got a protection order against him as well. There are a few things that really stuck with me throughout my ordeal. The first one is that I am able to recognize the red flags when it comes to abusive men. I can pick an abusive man out of a pile of 'em. I just read lots of books about it. I also did alot of journaling! Now, looking back and reading over it...it shows me how much I've changed and how much my life has improved. Also, never rely on childsupport. Never add it into your budget or expect to pay bills with it. Don't rely on it even if it's starting to be predictable. You'll get burned every time..especially with the kind of man you are dealing with! Also! you need to obtain full custody of your daughter if you don't have it already. Do it! Do it! Do it! Good luck in your life and best wishes!! You deserve soooo much better! I live my life abuse-free and appreciate it everyday!! Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 As far as hiring a lawyer and taking the deadbeat back to court...over the last 7 yrs, I've learned one thing. No matter how many court orders, have-to's, and what-nots that he's ordered to do, he will still do whatever he wants in the end. The only way to enforce the order is to continually take him back to court over & over again. I learned that it just isn't worth it. It felt good to let go of the struggle. The minute I let go of the fight, I gained power by not needing him anymore. Trust me, he will get his in the end. It's a tough place to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yellowrose Posted November 8, 2005 Author Share Posted November 8, 2005 I just got back from court- You know, honestly for the most part I have let go of expecting anything from him other than I can expect him to do the wrong thing. That's reliable at least. I can let go of the support, and I can let go of the other JPA violations, but the situation is that even with NO contact from me he still puts out these attacks. He sent a bunch of personal e-mails to my employer, then filed an "emergency order of protection" saying that he physically fears me and feels threatened by me. Yeah. Right. That jerk fears *me*. I'm not the unpredictable, abusive sociopath in this scene. So I had to take the morning off work with no pay to go stand in front of a judge who continued it to next Thursday afternoon - again with no pay. Just so that when she hears the back story she'll dismiss it. But he will still have had his jabs in, cost me a couple hundred dollars just in lost work, about $350 in legal fees, and that's to say nothing of the emotional angst this has cost me. Why do the courts let people do this? How can I stand in front of a judge with a 4 inch stack of communications from him, from my attorney, from previous judgements, court orders, and such showing that the guy is an abusive SOB and she *still* let him keep that Order of Protection? I don't get it. I just don't get it. Clearly he's read the book on how to screw with people the low-road way by abusing the legal system. And here I thought the high road was the way to go. I just want him to leave me alone. What do I have to do to just get him to leave me alone. Why won't he? -yr Link to post Share on other sites
Author yellowrose Posted November 8, 2005 Author Share Posted November 8, 2005 Oh--- and I should mention--- A dear girlfriend of mine sent her attorney, who has been a friend to both of us, along with me this morning. Thank GOD for good friends coming through in a pinch. I was literally 45 minutes from my court time when he called to tell me he was on his way. Whew! Link to post Share on other sites
Skeered Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 Can this attorney friend help you..your ex is harrassing you by writing things to your employer not only is this defimation of character but also harrasment..I think also that since he has an order of protection against you that also means that he is not allowed to call you, provoke you or anything else that is a violation of his protection order. SOOOOOOOOOO I would see if this attorney friend is able to help you close him off of this order that he's clearly violating and you can come back with harrassment and character defimation. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 I think also that since he has an order of protection against you that also means that he is not allowed to call you, provoke you or anything else that is a violation of his protection order. Sounds like he could get caught up in his own web if he's not careful. People will eventually see him for what he really is...if you stay calm. Keep on the high road! Also, document everything! Link to post Share on other sites
Author yellowrose Posted November 8, 2005 Author Share Posted November 8, 2005 Well, I told the judge this morning that our daughter has a play tonight and that it's during my parenting time, then asked if he would be allowed to attend. She said he could, but that he is not allowed to make contact with either of us. So how, exactly, will he be able to keep his claim of fearing me when he admitted to the judge that he'll knowingly go to where I am? I'm really depressed now. Just got a call from the local detective advising that all the e-mails he sent to my boss don't qualify as harassment. How can he keep doing this stuff and getting away with it? How is that *not* harassment? Am I doomed to live life like I did when I was married? He's still going out of his way to torment me even after I was dragged through the pain of a messy divorce! When will this end??? Link to post Share on other sites
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