Don't know where to start after affair

[IrinaM]

a couple of things to consider:

you're basically already romantically involved with this man, it just has no labels or commitment. Does he want to make it official? Or does he value his relationship with his nephew more than his relationship with you? If it's the second, cut him loose and move on.

second, this family produced one abusive man, so I wouldn't be shocked if it produced more than one abusive man. Keep your eyes open and don't ignore red flags.

[ExpatInItaly]

His family or mutual friends might find it a bit strange, sure. I think it would be naive to assume nobody would raise an eyebrow, however unjustified or unfair it may it may be. 

But you also would need to learn to let it slide off your back. You can't control people's reactions to your choices, but you can choose how you respond to that. It doesn't need to become a big issue for you if you don't assign so much importance to the opinion of third parties who don't get a vote in your love life, anyway. 

[JTSW]

One man in this family already treated you like crap.

Be careful.

[mark clemson]

Technically, no.

In practice, it's likely to lead to awkwardness at family gatherings, and possibly some unnecessary drama, depending on how the nephew reacts.

IF things end on poor terms with the uncle, he and the Ex/nephew may "team up" against you, e.g. bashing you/"discussing you" etc. Esp if the nephew is a hothead/controlling type. Hopefully that doesn't happen, but it could.

If you avoid it, avoid it for you, not for the nephew/Ex. There are people who won't date in the workplace and I think there is a parallel to be drawn with not dating when it maintains a connection (albeit a lose one) to a problem Ex. It adds unnecessary risk to things.

[stillafool]

I'm kinda surprised you're even asking about what this guys family will think.  Boundaries have already been crossed because you've had sex with him.  It's too late to worry about what everyone will think.  The cat's already out of the bag.

[Rmars]

16 hours ago, IrinaM said:

a couple of things to consider:

you're basically already romantically involved with this man, it just has no labels or commitment. Does he want to make it official? Or does he value his relationship with his nephew more than his relationship with you? If it's the second, cut him loose and move on.

second, this family produced one abusive man, so I wouldn't be shocked if it produced more than one abusive man. Keep your eyes open and don't ignore red flags.

He wants to be official

[Rmars]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I'm kinda surprised you're even asking about what this guys family will think.  Boundaries have already been crossed because you've had sex with him.  It's too late to worry about what everyone will think.  The cat's already out of the bag.

I just think there is a difference between us sleeping together and no one knows and we are in a relationship. 

[Gaeta]

14 hours ago, Rmars said:

I just think there is a difference between us sleeping together and no one knows and we are in a relationship. 

I kind of feel bad for this man.

He knows what he wants and he is ready to face his own family so he can be with you. He's 30 yo he's a man now that will fight for what he wants. He must like you a great deal.

On your end you're not showing the same faith in your relationship. You value others opinion above your connection with this man. You are not ready to defend and protect this relation like he is. You are still thinking like a teenage girl. Living in a world of 'appearanece'.  You live for the outside world, not for yourself.

You have to step up your game and show him he's made the right choice when he picked you, or you need to step down and let him pick a woman around his age who can meet his level of maturity.

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, Rmars said:

I just think there is a difference between us sleeping together and no one knows and we are in a relationship. 

Why do you care if anyone knows if you're with the man you love?  Tell the truth are you still perhaps a little hung up on your ex and it's really him you don't want to find out that you're having sex with his uncle?

[Rmars]

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why do you care if anyone knows if you're with the man you love?  Tell the truth are you still perhaps a little hung up on your ex and it's really him you don't want to find out that you're having sex with his uncle?

No I am not hung up on my ex at all. I am just kind of scared of the backlash.

[Rmars]

10 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I kind of feel bad for this man.

He knows what he wants and he is ready to face his own family so he can be with you. He's 30 yo he's a man now that will fight for what he wants. He must like you a great deal.

On your end you're not showing the same faith in your relationship. You value others opinion above your connection with this man. You are not ready to defend and protect this relation like he is. You are still thinking like a teenage girl. Living in a world of 'appearanece'.  You live for the outside world, not for yourself.

You have to step up your game and show him he's made the right choice when he picked you, or you need to step down and let him pick a woman around his age who can meet his level of maturity.

I definitely want to be with him. We are not in love yet. I think the age comment was kind of harsh tbh, but I guess he is going to talk to his family in the next few days.

[Delaps82]

My husband (33m) and I (29f) have been married for 4 years and have a 1 year old son together. Before this our marriage was very good and what ever issues we had were small. 

I have worked with this guy (37m) for about a year. We were always attracted to each other and we knew it. We got to know each other more and started to become friends. We just kept taking these steps from flirting, texting, outside of work. Then it escalated further until we were having sex and it took off. 

It lasted a few months. After a while I started to feel really bad about it and I knew sooner or later something would happen or someone would know. It really just set in for me so I sat him down and gave him the we can't see each other anymore speech. We had this big emotional talk and stopped seeing each other outside of work. He started to get really angry at me because of this and we got into a few fights that were rough.

My husband found out a few days ago but going through my tablet. There wasn't much on it but was enough. He confronted me after work one day and was really upset of course.i have apologized and told him that I ended it. He has been staying at his father's for now. It has been a nightmare. My husband and other guy have been in touch too.

I don't know what I was thinking and have realized I was not living in reality. I am trying to figure out what to do to put my life back together. It is overwhelming and I don't know where to start.

Any advice you could give would be great. Tried to keep it short

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Delaps82 said:

. He confronted me after work one day and was really upset of course.i have apologized and told him that I ended it. He has been staying at his father's for now. It has been a nightmare. My husband and other guy have been in touch too.

Sorry this is happening. The first step is to discontinue all contact with the coworker and go to work and be professional. If he is harassing you at work, report it or resign.

The next step is to get to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. This way you can explore this privately and confidentiality and get some guidance on how to proceed. For example, if your husband is willing, ask for a referral to a marriage counselor.

It would help to reflect on why you went down this dark path. Therapy could help with that.

You'll also need to consult an attorney for advice and options in the event that your husband files for divorce.

In what context did your husband contact this co-worker?

[Portuguese man]

First...

 

Tell the truth...not gaslighting, not trickel truth,if your SO ask a question please tell the truth...

 

Be patient that's kind of trauma take us to the border of insanity and the emotions it's just on roof.

 

Try to be empathetic with your So emotions the emasculate felling it's strong and he will ask what you did with your AP sexually acts...first to find if you did anything with your AP That You refused to do with your So.

 

And the 1.000 million dollar question made of 10/10 MAN...about the dick size...

 

 

 

 

[JTSW]

I'm assuming your co-worker was single.

How did he and your husband end up in touch?

If you want to try and save your marriage, suggest marriage counselling.

[BaileyB]

Unfortunately, there is not much you can do now. The ball is in your husband’s court - it’s entirely his decision whether he files for divorce or decides to stay and work on the marriage.

You can give him time. Don’t pressure him. Get yourself into counselling. And be reliable - be honest, transparent, trustworthy, responsible in caring for your child. And wait. 

[Delaps82]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. The first step is to discontinue all contact with the coworker and go to work and be professional. If he is harassing you at work, report it or resign.

The next step is to get to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. This way you can explore this privately and confidentiality and get some guidance on how to proceed. For example, if your husband is willing, ask for a referral to a marriage counselor.

It would help to reflect on why you went down this dark path. Therapy could help with that.

You'll also need to consult an attorney for advice and options in the event that your husband files for divorce.

In what context did your husband contact this co-worker?

I do not know all of the details but they started texting and they have argued on the phone twice that I know about. He sent him some screenshots just to piss of my husband I guess. They have just been fighting. I quit my job already.

[Delaps82]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

I'm assuming your co-worker was single.

How did he and your husband end up in touch?

If you want to try and save your marriage, suggest marriage counselling.

He is single. My husband texted him after he found out. 

[JTSW]

7 minutes ago, Delaps82 said:

He is single. My husband texted him after he found out. 

I don't see the logic in why he felt the need to text him.

What did he want to get out of talking to him?

Edited May 4, 2023 by JTSW

[JTSW]

21 hours ago, Rmars said:

No I am not hung up on my ex at all. I am just kind of scared of the backlash.

And why do you care so much what everybody else thinks?

If people don't take it very well what do you plan on doing about it?

[Delaps82]

21 minutes ago, JTSW said:

I don't see the logic in why he felt the need to text him.

What did he want to get out of talking to him?

It was from anger they argued and fought

[stillafool]

Has your husband said he still wants to stay married to you?  If not, are you now looking for another job?  Most men are unforgivable when their wives cheat.  Even after they've decided to go back with their wives after her affair they end up divorcing her in the end.  They have these mind movies that they can't get over and the fact that your boyfriend sent him screenshots isn't helping.  Ego will push him to keep you for a while just to show other man you chose him, but in the end he can no longer look at you and leaves.  I hope this isn't your future.  You haven't said whether you want to reconcile with your husband or be with the other man.  What do you want and why?

[mark clemson]

Your husband will process this and reacts how he reacts. Although there is a very wide range of possible reactions, typically it will be either reconciliation or divorce. There may be a substantive figuring out period, with things like a trial separation, or filing for divorce etc.

Suggest you definitely be fully honest with your husband now that he knows. Unfortunately, if he's going to certain internet sites, however honest YOU may be, there will be people with their own emotional issues insisting to him that there is more to it than he knows. So, be as transparent as you can and hope he can see things clearly (which is easier said than done in his state).

Divorce is a very real possibility here, so you need to be prepared for that, at least in practical terms if the emotional part is hard. The fact he hasn't instantly gone to that is positive (but by no means a guarantee).

[mark clemson]

I will just add that - to some people, after a betrayal like this, you are now "the enemy" and however sincere you may be about reconciling they will have none of it. Some will even exploit your efforts and then turn around and hurt you, or for their own benefit, such as getting you to agree to a more favorable divorce settlement before "walking away".

Not all people are like this, but some are and to a certain extent they are simply "following their instincts". So, you might be on the lookout to attempt to clearly see what "mode" your husband is in. Does he still care about you (despite what is obviously a very significant betrayal) and there is some level of sympathy, or are you basically someone to be "expunged" from his life as expediently as possible, and possibly "punished" along the way? It's two very different approaches; nor is it necessary for you to accept whatever "punishment" is to be doled out, out of a sense of guilt. Be a bit careful what you're willing to agree to in an effort to get back into his "favor".

Obviously anything reasonable is, well, reasonable - and keep in mind the emotional stress your husband is probably under. So, you SHOULD be trying to make his life as easy as possible right now. But, that said, you're certainly within your rights to assess any "demands" that might be made.

Edited May 4, 2023 by mark clemson

[Rmars]

3 hours ago, JTSW said:

And why do you care so much what everybody else thinks?

If people don't take it very well what do you plan on doing about it?

I do not like conflict or when people are upset with me. This situation has been giving me anxiety. If people are upset I will just have do talk to them and deal with it I guess. Both of our families will most likely be upset with the other.