Gaeta Posted May 4, 2023 Share Posted May 4, 2023 2 minutes ago, Rmars said: I do not like conflict or when people are upset with me. This situation has been giving me anxiety. If people are upset I will just have do talk to them and deal with it I guess. Both of our families will most likely be upset with the other. But why?? Who cares about a relationship that ended 4 years ago and a teen romance on top of that! Is it possible you are not telling us everything? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Delaps82 Posted May 4, 2023 Share Posted May 4, 2023 3 hours ago, stillafool said: Has your husband said he still wants to stay married to you? If not, are you now looking for another job? Most men are unforgivable when their wives cheat. Even after they've decided to go back with their wives after her affair they end up divorcing her in the end. They have these mind movies that they can't get over and the fact that your boyfriend sent him screenshots isn't helping. Ego will push him to keep you for a while just to show other man you chose him, but in the end he can no longer look at you and leaves. I hope this isn't your future. You haven't said whether you want to reconcile with your husband or be with the other man. What do you want and why? He has thrown around divorce, I don't know if he really means it. I am applying to other jobs, in my field it will not be difficult. I want to stay married unless I have really destroyed it. Yeah, the screenshots were a big F you. Link to post Share on other sites
Delaps82 Posted May 4, 2023 Share Posted May 4, 2023 I am focused on getting him to come back home because I don't think I can do anything else but apologize. I have been totally honest with him since the screenshot thing Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 4, 2023 Share Posted May 4, 2023 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Delaps82 said: I am focused on getting him to come back home because I don't think I can do anything else but apologize. Have you found yourself a counsellor? That’s the obvious thing you can do - you need to do some serious self reflection to discover why did made these decisions and how you are going to protect your husband/marriage/family from this ever happening again. It’s good that you have apologized and been honest with him. It’s good that you’ve gone no contact with your affair partner and you are putting some distance between you by finding a new job. But you have more work to do - personal work. Your initial post reads like… well, I met this guy and we were attracted to each other and before I new it - things progressed and we were having sex. I don’t see any self-reflection in what you’ve shared that you’ve figured out why you have crossed a line that many other people would not. If I was your husband, “we were attracted to each other and these things happen” would not be an acceptable answer. Just saying - Other than that, all you can do is give him the time to process this and wait for his decision. Whether he decides to stay in the marriage or not is his decision now. I agree with Stillafool, based on the posts on this site men can be particularly unforgiving of cheating wives. They are far less likely to stay in the marriage to keep the family together for the children or for economic reasons. A cheating wife is a very personal betrayal that tends to be very difficult for most men to accept. Edited May 4, 2023 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 4, 2023 Share Posted May 4, 2023 (edited) 35 minutes ago, Delaps82 said: because I don't think I can do anything else but apologize. Oh no, that's not true. The apology is the first step, followed by individual counseling to find out why you cheated, giving your husband complete access to your phone and social media at all times, and being under surveillance until he feels secure. Sometimes that takes years, especially for men. Are you willing to do those things without complaint? If you are tell him so because just telling him "I apologized, I cant do anything else" ain't going to cut it. Edited May 4, 2023 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 4, 2023 Share Posted May 4, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, Rmars said: I do not like conflict or when people are upset with me. This situation has been giving me anxiety. If people are upset I will just have do talk to them and deal with it I guess. Both of our families will most likely be upset with the other. I'm having a hard time understanding why your families would be upset about this considering you've been broken up with your ex for years and weren't ever married to him. It was just a HS romance that sounded abusive. I should think both families would be glad you have found love with another guy who wants to treat you right. It does seem like you're not telling us something. Edited May 4, 2023 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted May 4, 2023 Share Posted May 4, 2023 Get to a therapist. Immediately. And time to open up to a friend, a relative, someone. You need go go out and talk to someone for hours and spill the beans so that you come out of isolation and can get some support and relief during this time. Yes, you made a problem. But the fact that you got so involved is related to something inside of you that you need to come to terms with. Maybe you're not really attracted to your husband (and you've hidden that from yourself). People do that all the time. They have a problem with a spouse, don't feel attracted and then feel so guilty that they don't even allow that possibility to stay in the mind more than a second. Well that thought then comes around, sneaks around, and bites us on the behind. As painful as this is, as horrible as you feel, just remind yourself that you haven't murdered anyone. And that you feeling horrible isn't going to solve this. You feel remorse, yes, hating yourself, no. But time to get to a therapist and open up and see what's REALLY going on inside of you. If you don't, you'll miss a huge opportunity. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 4, 2023 Share Posted May 4, 2023 2 hours ago, Delaps82 said: I am focused on getting him to come back home. Unfortunately this isn't a good strategy. He needs to reflect and process, not just get over it and move on. It's understandable that is what you hope happens but pressuring him could appear like it's no big deal to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted May 4, 2023 Share Posted May 4, 2023 @Delaps82 Do you love your husband? You seem so ambivalent about cheating on him. Like the attraction to the other man was no big deal. And then it sounds like the escalation to the affair was just normal, natural stuff. And now you don’t seem overly concerned with the fallout. Or how your husband is processing your betrayal. So I’ll ask again - do you love your husband? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rmars Posted May 4, 2023 Author Share Posted May 4, 2023 (edited) 43 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: @Delaps82 Do you love your husband? You seem so ambivalent about cheating on him. Like the attraction to the other man was no big deal. And then it sounds like the escalation to the affair was just normal, natural stuff. And now you don’t seem overly concerned with the fallout. Or how your husband is processing your betrayal. So I’ll ask again - do you love your husband? Edited May 4, 2023 by Rmars Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 4, 2023 Share Posted May 4, 2023 1 minute ago, Rmars said: I do love him but I was struggling with feelings for the other guy. I was trying not to make the post too long. I hurt him very deeply and regret it thoroughly. Confused. In your other thread you were dating an ex's uncle. Are you @Delaps82? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted May 4, 2023 Share Posted May 4, 2023 Why do you want your husband to come home? Your posts are so bland vanilla about him. You haven't told us how you don't want to lose him bc you love him so much or anything like the normal remorseful WS does that is scared to death of losing their SO Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa Posted May 4, 2023 Senior Moderators Share Posted May 4, 2023 @Rmars and @Delaps82 are the same member 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts