Dating with caution and unsure how to proceed

[Wiseman2]

On 5/4/2023 at 5:05 AM, rosean said:

, I am wondering if I am dating an avoidant man who is so used to being selfish and just cannot relinquish control to be in a relationship. 

He seems quite busy and not into phone-tethering. He seems to be quite patient with your need to keep your distance. He's hardly "taking you for a ride".

Perhaps you're observing incompatibilities. You both seem to be doing your own variations of a safety dance as far as distancing yourselves from each other.

He may be having doubts about your feeling wounded in the past and if you are ready willing and able to have a relationship.

Edited May 5, 2023 by Wiseman2

[rosean]

34 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Maybe he only sees a relationship worth investing in with someone who wants sex.

Being in a sexless relationship is not something most people want.  You have been dating for ~4 months.  Perhaps he feels he is seeing the real you and is questioning whether he wants a LTR with someone who (in his view) is either sexually repressed or simply unattracted.

To be clear, I am not questioning your reasons for withholding sex, but I can easily see where you have put a stake in the ground -- daily texts -- as a condition for the relationship, but it's not clear if you have considered what his stakes might be (even if he hasn't articulated them).  I would say that, generally, women need to feel close in order to have sex, whereas men need sex in order to feel close. In a sense, you are both operating in a way that makes it less likely you will give each other what you need.

I have had sex with men who didn't go on to commit and it left me feeling very hurt, so I'm not interested in sex with a man who isn't stating clearly and showing he is serious. I don't want to get emotionally caught up in a man and put him on a pedestal.

He has respected my boundary, so it isn't the lack of sex. He has introduced me to family and friends!! Something he didn't even do with women from his past who he was having sex with. 

my last long term relationship also resulted in my ex waiting until I was ready. I met his family and friends before we had sex and we were official too. It absolutely isn't the lack of sex! There are other ways to show your attraction and sexual chemistry without penetration. 

I know for a fact we have chemistry! I am just not ready for sex until I see a level of seriousness that will make me feel safe. 

58 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You can't rely on something he said 2 months ago in such a short relationship. At the time you probably had no more than 2 dates, his comment was based on oxitocine released by the excitement of meeting someone new, not based on *knowing you*.

I think your guy is doing everything he's done in the past, the new relationship energy isn't new anymore so he's slowly distancing himself.

I would not even gone on a 1st date with him sfter knowing he never had a serious relationship at his age.

You have better things to do with your life than to raise a 41 yo to adulthood.

Sadly I think this is what's happening... it's gotten more serious, and there's been more serious talk... And now he is withdrawing. 
 

 

 

Edited May 5, 2023 by rosean

[rosean]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He seems quite busy and not into phone-tethering. He seems to be quite patient with your need to keep your distance. He's hardly "taking you for a ride".

Perhaps you're observing incompatibilities. You both seem to be doing your own variations of a safety dance as far as distancing yourselves from each other.

He may be having doubts about your feeling wounded in the past and if you are ready willing and able to have a relationship.

I don't think you have read my posts if this is the conclusion you're coming to... he is not too busy. He doesn't like being vulnerable. He cannot hold down a relationship and his history shows it... he has integrated me into his life and now his communication has slowed down drastically... he is pulling away. 

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, rosean said:

He has brought up thoughts he has on whether he can give me what I want and meet my expectations however his effort level has increased so it has been a reason for concern up until now with the communication.

 He is likely feeling overwhelmed with all the expectations he is trying to meet and is questioning his ability to meet your expectations. This is likely causing him to hesitate with the communication and is increasing his anxiety.

6 minutes ago, rosean said:

He doesn't like being vulnerable.

In all fairness, neither are you. You're coming at this from a place of fear yourself.

 

 

[rosean]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

 He is likely feeling overwhelmed with all the expectations he is trying to meet and is questioning his ability to meet your expectations. This is likely causing him to hesitate with the communication and is increasing his anxiety.

In all fairness, neither are you. You're coming at this from a place of fear yourself.

I have been pretty open with my feelings, my hopes and wants. I may not be going all in yet but I don't have a fear of vulnerability. 

He on the other hand has a history of it.

I have boundaries. I have expressed these to him. I have pulled him up on his punctuality before, and recently his communication. I will have absolutely no problem ending it. 

He was able to text consistently for four months so him pulling back is not from my expectation of him having to communicate. His pattern has changed recently, which means something else has changed. Daily communication is the bare minimum for a long distance relationship. He can do it. He has shown he can. This isn't happening because of my expectations with communication.

I think he has pulled this act before with other women. 

Can you see why I have been cautious with my heart? His actions are showing me he is serious, he is escalating, he has shown consistency... it's his history of not being committed, his need for control, and his fear of vulnerability.

Now he is pulling away as we have talked about more serious topics and the direction of the relationship.

[stillafool]

57 minutes ago, rosean said:

I am just not ready for sex until I see a level of seriousness that will make me feel safe.

Well that's you.  He may not feel the same but is perfectly fine not trying for sex with you because he knows you're not ready.  Commitment or not, men like sex, need sex, especially when they've got high stress jobs.  He may be seeing someone else where he works for all you know.  That happens with doctors who work long hours.  There are always new interns and doctors who come on board, work long hours and crushes form.  Sounds like you guys are incompatible.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, rosean said:

Daily communication is the bare minimum for a long distance relationship.

How far apart are you?

[introverted1]

3 hours ago, rosean said:

It absolutely isn't the lack of sex!

Just because he is a decent guy who respects your boundary about not having sex does not mean he is happy with the situation.  In fact, it is a very rare guy who is willing to defer sex for as long as he has unless you are both from a deeply religious community where premarital sex is frowned upon.

2 hours ago, rosean said:

I have been pretty open with my feelings, my hopes and wants. I may not be going all in yet but I don't have a fear of vulnerability. 

He on the other hand has a history of it.

I have boundaries. I have expressed these to him. I have pulled him up on his punctuality before, and recently his communication. I will have absolutely no problem ending it. 

 

And you don't think he is aware of the bolded, even if you have not expressly stated it?

2 hours ago, rosean said:

He was able to text consistently for four months so him pulling back is not from my expectation of him having to communicate. His pattern has changed recently, which means something else has changed.

Perhaps he is tired of waiting for you.  

What I read is that you have certain expectations for his behavior and that he has in fact modified his behavior to accommodate you.  What have you done to accommodate him? What changes have you made or what do you do to fulfill his needs (which are likely not the same as yours, eg, daily communication is something you need, not necessarily what he needs)?

It sounds like you are setting up a series of tests that he has to pass in order to prove his seriousness to you.  I get it - you've been hurt before and now you are taking steps to protect yourself.  But the problem is that we've all been hurt and being in a relationship is, to a large extent, a leap of faith.  There are no guarantees of forever.  But if you want  meaningful relationship, whether with this guy or someone else, you are going to have to be willing to be open and vulnerable because, without that, your partner will slowly withdraw from you, just as this guy s doing.

[NuevoYorko]

Okay, 

I'm sorry, but the picture I'm getting is not favorable.

I don't think that a relationship that's been going on as long as yours has, and days are passing without communication, is going in a positive direction.

You say you're sure there's no one else, and you also have repeatedly mentioned that he is "avoidant" etc.   After all is said and done, what is the difference whether he has something going on elsewhere or not, if is is not physically or emotionally available to you?   He's not. 

Also the way you talk about sex:  It's your "boundary" and he's "respecting it" - is questionable to me.  Don't get me wrong, I do not think you should have sex when you're not feeling it with this man.  Absolutely not.  But what exactly is he supposed to be waiting for? Do you have a timeline, or are you waiting for marriage, or an engagement, or just not into sex? Or not attracted?   It sounds as if neither one of you is sexually attracted to the other.   Or maybe you're both minimally sexual all the time, which would be okay, as long as you both feel the same way.  But if he is interested in having a relationship with a woman that is intimate, and you have a hard boundary against that, I'm not seeing how this could go anywhere, and it would make perfect sense for him to fade.

From the language you use, I get the idea that you are  standing by, generally passive, waiting for him to prove stuff to you.  I understand that you are advocating for yourself and taking care not to sell yourself short.  But you need to be fully aware that the man is looking for something, has needs he wants to be met, etc.  

Both people have to be invested, BOTH (not just him) need to be taking risks, and prioritizing the relationship. That doesn't seem to be the case.

[Lotsgoingon]

And look, make sure you are not projecting onto this guy. Saying he had stayed away from relationships with women does NOT mean he's stayed away from one night stands and paid sex and so on. 

I'm thinking you guys were texting more than you were dating. 

[basil67]

While I respect your decision to not have sex yet, your decision also comes from a place of fearing vulnerability.  So the two of you are effectively at a standoff with both of you fearing vulnerability...possibly both of you waiting for the other to let the walls down a bit.  

If both of you continue in this 'fear of vulnerability' stand off, the connection is going to fail.  As it appears to be doing already.  

[BettyDraper]

Unless there is a very compelling reason, no serious relationships past age 20 is a huge red flag. 

Saying "I love you" and taking it back? Whaaaa? 

The two of you aren't a couple so it would be best to keep dating others. Notice I said DATE and not sleep with.

As a single woman, I dated liberally unless I was in a relationship. It's fun and keeps you from getting overly invested in one man. 

[rosean]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Okay, 

I'm sorry, but the picture I'm getting is not favorable.

I don't think that a relationship that's been going on as long as yours has, and days are passing without communication, is going in a positive direction.

You say you're sure there's no one else, and you also have repeatedly mentioned that he is "avoidant" etc.   After all is said and done, what is the difference whether he has something going on elsewhere or not, if is is not physically or emotionally available to you?   He's not. 

Also the way you talk about sex:  It's your "boundary" and he's "respecting it" - is questionable to me.  Don't get me wrong, I do not think you should have sex when you're not feeling it with this man.  Absolutely not.  But what exactly is he supposed to be waiting for? Do you have a timeline, or are you waiting for marriage, or an engagement, or just not into sex? Or not attracted?   It sounds as if neither one of you is sexually attracted to the other.   Or maybe you're both minimally sexual all the time, which would be okay, as long as you both feel the same way.  But if he is interested in having a relationship with a woman that is intimate, and you have a hard boundary against that, I'm not seeing how this could go anywhere, and it would make perfect sense for him to fade.

From the language you use, I get the idea that you are  standing by, generally passive, waiting for him to prove stuff to you.  I understand that you are advocating for yourself and taking care not to sell yourself short.  But you need to be fully aware that the man is looking for something, has needs he wants to be met, etc.  

Both people have to be invested, BOTH (not just him) need to be taking risks, and prioritizing the relationship. That doesn't seem to be the case.

You must have missed the posts where I said we are intimate, just not having sex.We are doing other things, and we are both fine with it. 

There is intimacy, attraction and chemistry. I'm just not ready for sex. I get attached and it makes it harder for me to walk away. I'm not being unreasonable wanting a more serious commitment after 3/4 months dating and waiting for sex. He hasn't had a serious relationship all these years so naturally I'm wary. 

I mentioned several times I'm waiting for a commitment and labels to the relationship before I feel totally comfortable with sex. I am not sure where these comments about me waiting for marriage or whatever are coming from. 

I also said we had talked about having sex because he was planning a weekend away for my birthday and we'd both be more relaxed. I was starting to feel more comfortable after a few months, obviously not anymore. There has been escalation sexually - gradual but it's happened. 

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

And look, make sure you are not projecting onto this guy. Saying he had stayed away from relationships with women does NOT mean he's stayed away from one night stands and paid sex and so on. 

I'm thinking you guys were texting more than you were dating. 

Definitely something I'm conscious of! I don't believe he has had lots of random sex.. Casual partners, sure. I just feel he has enjoyed his bachelor life and work. But this is also seperate to him being unable to commit to a relationship. 

When he is here I see him almost daily. We have texted a lot in between because of the distance. 

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

While I respect your decision to not have sex yet, your decision also comes from a place of fearing vulnerability.  So the two of you are effectively at a standoff with both of you fearing vulnerability...possibly both of you waiting for the other to let the walls down a bit.  

If both of you continue in this 'fear of vulnerability' stand off, the connection is going to fail.  As it appears to be doing already.  

Yes, of course it does! I don't have a problem being vulnerable emotionally though. I do want to make sure we are both serious and fully relaxed with each other before having sex. 

i just don't see how sex has much to do with matters of the heart, or commitment for that matter, for men. In my experience it doesn't. 

He has said he has enjoyed not feeling pressured by me for a relationship right away, and I have enjoyed not feeling pressured by him for sex. We have both enjoyed dating and getting to know each other. 
 

17 minutes ago, BettyDraper said:

Unless there is a very compelling reason, no serious relationships past age 20 is a huge red flag. 

Saying "I love you" and taking it back? Whaaaa? 

The two of you aren't a couple so it would be best to keep dating others. Notice I said DATE and not sleep with.

As a single woman, I dated liberally unless I was in a relationship. It's fun and keeps you from getting overly invested in one man. 

No compelling reason for being single for 20 or so years  - he just finds it hard being vulnerable, not being in control and losing loved ones. 

I agree, I don't want to invest into this further especially since it's now been THREE days of silence. 

I am hurt by his distance, especially after I met family and friends. It makes no sense to me. 

[NuevoYorko]

Quote

I want to assess a man and his actions without complicating the courtship with sex and feelings.

The quoted above ... you don't want your courtship complicated by FEELINGS.  So I have to challenge your assertion that you don't have issues with your own vulnerability.   Call me old school, but I can't really  imagine how courtship would happen outside of an arranged marriage and / or in an extreme religious sect without sex or, most importantly,  feelings.  

Just looking over this thread, because you've said a few times that some of us must have missed certain posts, I noticed that you really don't mention any feelings you have for this man.  It's mostly about how he's performing.  Except then, this:  

Quote

I will have absolutely no problem ending it. 

And you also mention that he's glad you're not "pressuring him for a relationship" ... so this is not yet a relationship.  

Seems more and more like casual dating where both parties have one foot, or more, out the door. 

 

 

[rosean]

41 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

The quoted above ... you don't want your courtship complicated by FEELINGS.  So I have to challenge your assertion that you don't have issues with your own vulnerability.   Call me old school, but I can't really  imagine how courtship would happen outside of an arranged marriage and / or in an extreme religious sect without sex or, most importantly,  feelings.  

Just looking over this thread, because you've said a few times that some of us must have missed certain posts, I noticed that you really don't mention any feelings you have for this man.  It's mostly about how he's performing.  Except then, this:  

And you also mention that he's glad you're not "pressuring him for a relationship" ... so this is not yet a relationship.  

Seems more and more like casual dating where both parties have one foot, or more, out the door. 

 

 

He's glad I haven't pressured him for labels. I don't want to pressure anyone in the early stages when we are getting to know each other  however a chat on the trajectory/seriousness naturally comes up at some point .... 

we are dating. It's not 'normal' in the sense that it has been long distance so naturally it's progressed slower but he has escalated each time. I absolutely do have feelings for him, and we have both expressed our feelings to each other!! We have every time we've seen each other. We adore each other, we like each other a lot, we talk about a future. We are VERY affectionate with each other. If I didn't have feelings, none of this would come to me naturally. 
 

Dating is about assessing the person and their character. How they 'perform' is a huge part of this. I wouldn't be doing this however if the feelings weren't already there and growing! 
 

I do get attached with sex and if I'm still getting to know him I'd rather not let my feelings and attachment to him make it harder for me to let go if I feel he doesn't have the qualities needed for a serious relationship. Feelings are important but being reliable, consistent, committed, trustworthy and communicative are worth their weight in gold. 

He has gone silent because I've expressed my needs. It's becoming more and more obvious to me and it sucks. I just met his family and friends too 🙁

Edited May 6, 2023 by rosean

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, rosean said:

When he is here I see him almost daily. We have texted a lot in between because of the distance

How far apart are you? 

How do you see this unfold? Are you ready to relocate for him?

If l didn't care about a relationship after 5 months, like you say you don't care if he stays or go,  l would not continue. 

I can't figure why you date a man you see very little, a 40 yo man you have to teach basic concepts like saying hello once a day, a man you are not attached to after 5 months. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, rosean said:

. He has gone silent because I've expressed my needs.  

What was the conversation about with regard to your needs? Was it after this conversation that his communication started to wane? Is he away at the moment?  Does he ignore your communication or just not initiate?

[rosean]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

How far apart are you? 

How do you see this unfold? Are you ready to relocate for him?

If l didn't care about a relationship after 5 months, like you say you don't care if he stays or go,  l would not continue. 

I can't figure why you date a man you see very little, a 40 yo man you have to teach basic concepts like saying hello once a day, a man you are not attached to after 5 months. 

We live in the same city. He travels for work (one hour flight away). No one is moving. 

I do care hence why I'm posting here, I feel disappointed and sad by how he is acting, but I'm  also prepared to not fight and chase. 
 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

What was the conversation about with regard to your needs? Was it after this conversation that his communication started to wane? Is he away at the moment?  Does he ignore your communication or just not initiate?

I asked him if he was feeling comfortable and enjoying our time together, and then asked why the communication had waned on his end. 

I told him I wanted to know I could call him if I needed help during a weekday and reliability was important to me. I also said it made me happy even when he just checked in or acknowledged my messages, which is what he had done before. 

This naturally led into a conversation about us as a couple, and how I wanted the communication to be consistent because I wanted to feel connected especially because he's away for work a lot. He said it was serious in a roundabout, joking way and asked me why I needed him to say it when his actions show he is?

I said I was ready to give everything to a committed relationship but it would be hard to do much if the communication wasn't there. We had to meet halfway.  I also said if he needed time to himself because he was tired, overworked or off the grid, I'd totally respect it - I just wanted to know and not worry.

I didn't really ask him to do anything. I shared what I wanted and what would make me happy and offered to understand what I could do to help him if he needed anything from me too. 

He said he did think about whether he could give me what I want and meet my expectations. I said I was okay with the distance, we just had to be on the same page. 

It then led to jokes back and forth and then he asked to stop because it was "too many emotions for one night". I stayed the night, we had breakfast, nothing seemed off. He flew out that day and sent me two messages that same day, but it's been crickets since! 
 

It's clear as I type this his silence is because I expressed my needs and he feels pressured. I think he is so used to being selfish and not having to answer to anyone. Can't be go all in because he doesn't want to be vulnerable 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, rosean said:

 asked why the communication had waned on his end. 

 I wanted the communication to be consistent because I wanted to feel connected especially because he's away for work a lot. . I think he is so used to being selfish and not having to answer to anyone. 

Unfortunately he doesn't seem to be able to give you the level and amount of communication and attention you told him you want. This may be one of the first signs of incompatibility. 

He's used to being single and doesn't seem interested in phone-tethering, checking in, being constantly available, etc.

That doesn't make him "selfish", that makes him the wrong person for you. He may be realizing this as well . Some people would be  comfortable with space and periods of being apart or not communicating, you're not one of them.

You may have to reflect if someone who travels, has a busy schedule and is used to more autonomy is the right fit for you. Perhaps someone with simple and local 9-5 job who enjoys texting a lot would be a better fit?

Edited May 6, 2023 by Wiseman2

[NuevoYorko]

I get where you're coming from.   The bottom line is, probably, that there's not enough "glue" holding you two together after several months to get you though all the separations and the lack of vulnerability from both of you.

You're not wrong to require a certain amount of reliable communication and letting him know this.  But, he would need to be sure he wants to actually get married/  spend his life with you (or anyone) to make deep changes at his age.   3 face to face dates per two weeks, no physical intimacy bond, 5 months in.   I do not believe that "sex" only equals PIV, but "fooling around" and "sleepovers" are not what I'm talking about.  

If you don't feel safe enough with him you're doing the right thing for yourself.   Your "situationship" is not where you need it to be to progress.  It's probably not where he needs it to be to make challenging changes in himself, either.  

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

21 hours ago, rosean said:

He was able to text consistently for four months so him pulling back is not from my expectation of him having to communicate. His pattern has changed recently, which means something else has changed. Daily communication is the bare minimum for a long distance relationship. He can do it. He has shown he can. This isn't happening because of my expectations with communication.

I think he has pulled this act before with other women. 

Can you see why I have been cautious with my heart? His actions are showing me he is serious, he is escalating, he has shown consistency... it's his history of not being committed, his need for control, and his fear of vulnerability.

Now he is pulling away as we have talked about more serious topics and the direction of the relationship.

His limited relationship experience seems to be driving your need to place a lot of expectations on him due to an underlying fear of getting hurt. You might also be trying to fill in the gaps (intentional or not) of his limited experience with your own, and projecting those expectations onto him.

I sense that you are not being completely honest with yourself about how much fear influences your decision-making.

From what I understand, he stopped texting you after four months of consistent communication?

What do you mean by punctuality? How often is he late for dates? You mentioned that you're in a long distance relationship and he's a doctor, yes?

I understand your reluctance to have sex right away, but I hope that you can at least acknowledge that it doesn't ensure the longevity of your relationship. In your comment, you mention his need for control. Yours too...Having sex too quickly has caused disappointment for you before, so this is how you keep things under control. Spending the night at his house, sharing physical intimacy, but not having sex, can easily be misinterpreted.

 

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, rosean said:

This naturally led into a conversation about us as a couple

Your entire post about this conversation was painful to read. There should not be a need for such conversation at 3.5 month dating. When you find yourself having to list to your date their short comings that's because they're not into you enough and you move on.

Notice he's disappeared since that conversation. 

He is not courting you the way you need, even after you tell what you need - he disappears,  why do you hold on, really. It's 10 dates. There is nothing to salvage here.

Edited May 6, 2023 by Gaeta

[rosean]

22 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Your entire post about this conversation was painful to read. There should not be a need for such conversation at 3.5 month dating. When you find yourself having to list to your date their short comings that's because they're not into you enough and you move on.

Notice he's disappeared since that conversation. 

He is not courting you the way you need, even after you tell what you need - he disappears,  why do you hold on, really. It's 10 dates. There is nothing to salvage here.

Not sure where you are getting 10 dates from. It's been a lot more than that, I haven't kept count. There have been weeks where I've seen him more. I agree it's not ideal to have that conversation but i did it because I noticed a change in his texting patterns . That was also the only shortcoming I brought up. Had I not said anything you'd be telling me I have a communication problem... 

It's strange you say he's not into me enough cos not a single person I've spoken to has said that and if anything they are all really surprised by his silence. 

Being introduced to friends and family by a man who has never done that with a woman is a pretty big deal. He escalated and did everything right. That doesn't sound like someone who isn't into me. That sounds like someone who can't get close and meet expectations. He has already told me he ends things when he has to be more vulnerable. He did it with two other women. 

this has nothing to do with what I did, I said, I asked, or anything. He was always going to pull this act. He is the problem. 

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

His limited relationship experience seems to be driving your need to place a lot of expectations on him due to an underlying fear of getting hurt. You might also be trying to fill in the gaps (intentional or not) of his limited experience with your own, and projecting those expectations onto him.

I sense that you are not being completely honest with yourself about how much fear influences your decision-making.

From what I understand, he stopped texting you after four months of consistent communication?

What do you mean by punctuality? How often is he late for dates? You mentioned that you're in a long distance relationship and he's a doctor, yes?

I understand your reluctance to have sex right away, but I hope that you can at least acknowledge that it doesn't ensure the longevity of your relationship. In your comment, you mention his need for control. Yours too...Having sex too quickly has caused disappointment for you before, so this is how you keep things under control. Spending the night at his house, sharing physical intimacy, but not having sex, can easily be misinterpreted.

 

His history does ring alarm bells. This is why I wanted to really get to know him as a person

Fear influences everyone's decisions and I don't believe me wanting to escalate slowly is a bad thing at all. You would too. If he also mentioned he had trouble being vulnerable you'd be taking it slow. If you had been burned in the past you'd no doubt be taking it slow. 

he communicated consistently until a few weeks ago. I noticed a shift, I brought it up and now it's been four days of silence.

Please guys it's not the no sex he's pulled away from. Matters of the heart don't have much to do with sex for a man, I know this much from experience and I've been told this by men who have cared for me. Literally no one I've spoken to about this with has said anything about the sex. His silence has nothing to do with it. His silence has to do with my needs long term. I have fears but please tell me who doesn't when they meet someone new? Who doesn't want some control? 

he obviously can communicate daily because he has been. That has now changed. It's got nothing to do with his work schedule, his travelling, or any of that. He has an active social life and a big family. He has never made any excuses for not communicating in the past and I've even heard from him during work hours and while he's out socialising. He is shutting down because this is what he does when it gets serious. 

41 year old doctor, good looking guy, former model, hangs out at pubs and bars and never committed to a relationship but has hopes of marrying and having a family one day... He sold me the dream ... it is alarming why a man who appears impressive like him hasn't settled down but... he doesn't want to be vulnerable. It's that simple. He has pulled this act for 20 years. 
 

I'm surprised I met his closest friends and family. It's puzzling and disappointing. 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, rosean said:

Being introduced to friends and family by a man who has never done that with a woman is a pretty big deal

He introduced you when? At beginning when he was enjoying that new relationship energy?

He pulled away a few weeks ago, your relationship is 14 weeks. His pulling away is what? 25% 30% of your relationship if you make the average in weeks. 

A few weeks of a 2 year relationship is different that a few weeks out of a 14 weeks relationship.

You put too much weight on what he did and said at the begining of your relationship. The first 3 months of a relationship are a compatibility test. You cannot hold on to what was said during that period. Most people putting up a front can't hold it any longer after 3 months, people lying to themselves about what they really want (like wanting a relationship) also can't hold it up any longer because 3 months is the *sh$t or get off the pot moment*

[Weezy1973]

13 minutes ago, rosean said:

I'm surprised I met his closest friends and family. It's puzzling and disappointing. 

Yes, disappointing is understandable. But losing interest in the early stages happens all the time. If you were a few years in, then sure it’s puzzling. After 4 months, it’s more of a nothingburger. Next!

 

17 minutes ago, rosean said:

41 year old doctor, good looking guy, former model… has hopes of marrying and having a family one day...

This man has a ton of options. It’s not going to take much incompatibility for him to lose interest as there’s a lineup of women waiting for a good looking doctor to start a family with. He’s lost interest.