what to do?

[tokidoki]

I've been with my SO(F31) for about 16 months now. Recently, the person she was subletting her flat to moved out 3 months before she was meant to, leaving her in the lurch.

I had discussed moving in after her, but now that she's left early my SO wants me to come in and fill the gap. I feel like now I would be moving in to solve a financial problem rather than because I am 100% ready to. I don't want this to put strain on our relationship.

I've told her to advertise the room for the 3 month gap but she is not putting any proper effort into it. She thinks that I had said I would move in early, but I only remember raising it as a possibility, rather than actually committing to it.

 

I understand that in relationships you have to make compromises, but I also don't want to move in together for practical reasons as I feel it will inevitably create resentment in our otherwise lovely relationship.

 

What should I do?

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, tokidoki said:

I had discussed moving in after her, but now that she's left early my SO wants me to come in and fill the gap.

I've told her to advertise the room for the 3 month gap 

You've discussed moving in together, but you don't seem ready. You also stated you would move in when the roommate moved out.

Renting to someone for 3 months seems unreasonable. Perhaps tell her you're not ready to move in so she can find a permanent roommate.

If you resent moving in 3 mos earlier or really don't want to live together yet, now is the time to be crystal clear about it so she can make appropriate financial decisions.

[basil67]

@Wiseman2 nailed it.   Unless she stumbles across a traveler who happens to want a three month stay and she an offer a fully furnished room, nobody is going to take on a three month tenancy.   Moving is way too hard for just three months

If you really wanted to move in with her, I would have expected you to leap at the chance.   But given that you're not keen, I'm wondering if your gut is telling you that really don't want to move in for quite some time.  If that's the case, you need to firmly put the brakes on so that she can find a longer term tenant.  

Also consider that if you change your mind about moving in, she may change her mind about you on the grounds of getting her hopes up and then dropping it.   Are you happy in the relationship or do you have second thoughts now and then?

[rester]

4 hours ago, tokidoki said:

I've told her to advertise the room for the 3 month gap but she is not putting any proper effort into it. She thinks that I had said I would move in early, but I only remember raising it as a possibility, rather than actually committing to it.

How do you know you are going to be ready in 3 months? If I wasn’t ready for a commitment like that today, I wouldn’t consider it for only 3 months later either. 

Renting out the room for 3 months may be viable, but if you ask her to do that, you are committing to moving in once that is over. If you can commit to that, what’s wrong with committing to move in 3 or even just 2 months early? 

If you are not yet ready to move in with her now, I’d postpone it altogether and see if she’d be open to renting out her place for another 6 or 12 months, and then seeing how you feel when it gets closer to that.

In my opinion, you should be ready for that commitment a few months ahead of time so you can plan things out well. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want to move in with someone after only 16 months of dating. 

Edited May 5, 2023 by rester

[Els]

As others have said, realistically speaking she isn't going to be able to rent the room out to a good tenant for only 3 months, unless she is very lucky. Working professionals will not want to have to move in and out in 3 months, so the only way it would happen is if someone happens to be traveling for work specifically for those 3 months and happens to want what she is offering. She will probably be able to get a backpacker with no rental history and no current income, but that's an incredibly high risk.

In your position, just based on what you said, I'd 100% move in 3 months earlier. If we've been together for 16 months, it wouldn't feel too early for me, if the relationship was good. But considering that you are so hesitant to do it, then it signals to me that there are probably issues in the relationship that you're not talking about, because otherwise I can't imagine why someone would put their LTR partner in the lurch like that over wanting a strict 3-months-later move in date. So, which is it?

[JTSW]

You should never have mentioned about moving in if you weren't anywhere near ready yet.

You need to be completely honest with her about this.