Jenn28 Posted May 5, 2023 Share Posted May 5, 2023 8 years ago I ran into an ex at a party and we shared a drunken kiss.. Time went by we fell in love, he promised me a life together, or so I thought.. His kids were young so used the good old fashioned 'ill leave when their a bit older'.. Over the 8 years his wife found out several times about us and took him back every time! 2 days ago he packed his bags and left her for me, until once again and finally this time admitted he couldn't do it and went back to her once and for all.. I feel broken and with no closure 😔 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 5, 2023 Share Posted May 5, 2023 20 minutes ago, Jenn28 said: Over the 8 years his wife found out several times about us and took him back every time! 2 days ago he packed his bags and left her for me, until once again and finally this time admitted he couldn't do it and went back to her once and for all.. I feel broken and with no closure 😔 Sorry this happened. Unfortunately he may keep coming around but in this revolving door fashion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jenn28 Posted May 5, 2023 Author Share Posted May 5, 2023 It feels different this time, they have a very toxic relationship but chooses her everytime.. This time it feels very final somehow and I'm struggling with loosing a planned life I thought I had in front of me Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 5, 2023 Share Posted May 5, 2023 (edited) You planned a life with another woman’s husband. That’s not usually a wise decision… Unfortunately, as you have discovered, the “planned life that you thought you had in front of you” was little more than wishful thinking. You were trying to build a home on a sand foundation - I’m sorry that this has happened to you, but if he has decided to end the affair I would kindly suggest that it is the best thing that could have happened to you. That’s your closure - you are now free to go and find a man who would chose you above all others. Leave them to their dysfunction. If he did leave for you, I think you would be dismayed to learn that life with this man would not be the fantasy that you imagine. It would certainly not be something that I would chose for myself - to be in the middle of the conflict as this family deals with the fall-out of infidelity. And, you are left with a man who has proven himself to be capable of laying and betraying a woman in this way. No thank you, not for me. Life is too short and you have already wasted too much time here. Mostly, my heart hurts for the children here who deserve better from their parents. Edited May 5, 2023 by BaileyB 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jenn28 Posted May 5, 2023 Author Share Posted May 5, 2023 The pain of what iv given up is emmense, I lost all my friends because of him dropped out of uni and have had my life on hold for absolutely nothing.. I don't even know how to begin putting things back together.. We live in a small town and the thought of seeing them together makes me feel sick! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 5, 2023 Share Posted May 5, 2023 (edited) I’m so sorry Jenn, that so hard. I’m sure you are aware of this now, but when you are giving up friends and your own plans for your future (ie. school) to be with a man - that is a sure sign that you are in a very unhealthy relationship. Never do that again. Where can you find support? Do you have the ability to find a counsellor? Do you have any family members that can help you to find your way again? Are you working? Maybe it’s time to consider a move - a fresh start. I wouldn’t want to stay and see them either. I hope you have someone to talk to who can help you to make some of these decisions… Edited May 5, 2023 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted May 6, 2023 Share Posted May 6, 2023 18 hours ago, Jenn28 said: It feels different this time, they have a very toxic relationship but chooses her everytime.. This time it feels very final somehow and I'm struggling with loosing a planned life I thought I had in front of me First.... I am very sorry that you have fallen into this trap. I fully understand that it hurts when someone you love doesn't give want you want/need. But you can't put all the blame on him. You have been an active partner in this journey. I quoted this part because you look at his marriage as being "Toxic". But you fail to see that you are part of that toxic relationship. Your man is not a good or honest guy. He lied to you from the first day to get you to fall for him. You stayed knowing he was not really available, and you even changed your life for someone who was not available. He may have lied to you for 8 years... but you also lied to yourself wanting thigs to change. I truly am sorry... and it will take time to heal, but it's time to go NC and get your life back. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 6, 2023 Share Posted May 6, 2023 On 5/5/2023 at 1:39 PM, Jenn28 said: It feels different this time, they have a very toxic relationship but chooses her everytime.. This time it feels very final somehow and I'm struggling with loosing a planned life I thought I had in front of me You have to understand his wife and him had plans for a long life together before he ran into you and got into the affair. Affairs are toxic and like a cancer to a couple's marriage. MM almost always go back to their wives in the end. It's best to go NC and block him from contacting you so you don't waste another 8 years that you could be giving to a man who is sure he wants you and can give you a life. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 7, 2023 Share Posted May 7, 2023 On 5/5/2023 at 8:32 PM, Jenn28 said: I lost all my friends because of him dropped out of uni and have had my life on hold for absolutely nothing More than anything, you have lost yourself. It's time to find her again. This man was never going to give you the life you wanted, and that's a good thing. How great would life with him have been with no friends, no education? No sense of yourself outside of him? That would have been the recipe for disaster. I would not lump all the blame on him for lying, though. You have known all along he was someone else's husband. Yet, you chose to play in their sandbox. You knew there were serious risks and that you were behaving inappropriately. The path forward starts with taking accountability for your role in your own unhappiness. 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 7, 2023 Share Posted May 7, 2023 On 5/5/2023 at 2:32 PM, Jenn28 said: I lost all my friends because of him dropped out of uni and have had my life on hold for absolutely nothing. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. There's no reason to put your life on hold for a part-time relationship or any relationship for that matter.You could start to rebuild your life. Go back to university. Take some extra classes and courses, volunteer, join some groups and clubs, get involved in sports and fitness. Broaden your social horizons and make friends. Reconnect with your friends and family. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to decent honest single men. Consider yourself free from this dark place to live your life the way you wish to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jenn28 Posted May 7, 2023 Author Share Posted May 7, 2023 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: would not lump all the blame on him for lying, though. You have known all along he was someone else's husband. Yet, you chose to play in their sandbox. You knew there were serious risks and that you were behaving inappropriately. The path forward starts with taking accountability for your role in your own unhappiness. Im absolutely not innocent in this and am well aware of my part, however when his wife knows all about me and he is constantly telling me they have no relationship as such, sleeping separately, days of silent treatment or days of screaming matches I genuinely thought there was no home for me to 'wreck'.. I'm dumbfounded as to why they both want to continue to live this way with or without me as a part of it.. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 7, 2023 Share Posted May 7, 2023 4 minutes ago, Jenn28 said: he is constantly telling me they have no relationship as such, sleeping separately, days of silent treatment or days of screaming matches This was your mistake - believeing everything he says. You have no idea what really goes on behind closed doors. Only the two of them do, and he's obviously not an honest person. 5 minutes ago, Jenn28 said: I genuinely thought there was no home for me to 'wreck' Eh, that doesn't really wash. He is married. That is his home, and you knew this. "No home to wreck" only applies to single people. This guy was never single. 5 minutes ago, Jenn28 said: I'm dumbfounded as to why they both want to continue to live this way Probably because he wasn't being honest with you about how things really are between them. He's obviously still very much attached to her, and her to him. It's more than likely not the daily horror show he told you it was. You bought into a false narrative, in other words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 7, 2023 Share Posted May 7, 2023 12 minutes ago, Jenn28 said: telling me they have no relationship as such, sleeping separately, days of silent treatment or days of screaming matches. Unfortunately this is the typical "my wife doesn't understand me, we're like roommates" cliche that married men use. Nothing is stopping you now from reestablishing your life, friends and education. You dodged a bullet. Be thankful he's out of the picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted May 7, 2023 Share Posted May 7, 2023 3 hours ago, Jenn28 said: ..... I'm dumbfounded as to why they both want to continue to live this way..... It's irrelevant. As already said... you really don't know what is happening behind closed doors. He is not an honest person. You have invested way too much of your life into him.... but the realty is... do you think he will stop being who he is with you? So... if he gets a divorce, and wants to be with you...... do you really think he will be faithful? No, he won't. He will have someone else. Also... I've learned over the years, people who cheat will have their main person, and a "Side" BF or GF. To him... you are a side person, and may never really become a main person. People who lead on other people are habitual liars, and you will never know the truth, and you will never have a real relationship with this person. AND.... you will never know the real reasons "Why". Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted May 7, 2023 Share Posted May 7, 2023 6 hours ago, Jenn28 said: I'm dumbfounded as to why they both want to continue to live this way with or without me as a part of it.. I’m sure it’s no fun to be them. Don’t worry, they’re not happy. An 8-year affair is not something they’ll be able to overcome in their marriage. But it doesn’t matter what they do: You should be thankful that you didn’t end up with this lying, cowardly loser. Start working on your social life. You need to get it back. That’s your priority now. You gave up way too much for this “situation-ship”. People will be happy to help and listen. Just approach them. Friends & family will be there for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 7, 2023 Share Posted May 7, 2023 (edited) 9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: More than anything, you have lost yourself. It's time to find her again. This man was never going to give you the life you wanted, and that's a good thing. How great would life with him have been with no friends, no education? No sense of yourself outside of him? That would have been the recipe for disaster. This could not be more true. There was no happiness to be found with this man - a healthy relationship can not develop when a relationship is born of an affair and one partner has over-invested to the point that she has lost her own identity - her friends, her education, her own path in life. It’s time to start working to rebuild - to find your own path again. If you have the ability to get some counselling Jenn, it would be the single best decision you could make for yourself. It’s not just about finding your path going forward, it’s about really understanding where and how you went wrong so that you can grow from this/you will never again find yourself in an unhealthy relationship again… Edited May 7, 2023 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 7, 2023 Share Posted May 7, 2023 (edited) 8 hours ago, Jenn28 said: however when his wife knows all about me and he is constantly telling me they have no relationship as such, sleeping separately, days of silent treatment or days of screaming matches I genuinely thought there was no home for me to 'wreck'.. I'm dumbfounded as to why they both want to continue to live this way I posted but somehow my post was lost. Jenn, you have made the very unfortunate mistake of believing a man who you know to be a skilled liar. If he has lied to his wife about his relationship with you, you better believe that he lied to you about their marriage. Regardless, whether they are “happy” or whether they are engaged in a toxic and miserable marriage, it does not matter. So many other women take the words of their MM as “permission” to get involved - the simple truth is, you have no business involving yourself in another woman’s marriage. Full stop. He has chosen his family and life goes on… My advice would be to turn your focus from their marriage to your own future - that’s the only choice that you have… It should have been your focus all along… Edited May 7, 2023 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 7, 2023 Share Posted May 7, 2023 1 hour ago, BrinnM said: You gave up way too much for this “situation-ship”. People will be happy to help and listen. Just approach them. Friends & family will be there for you. It is a common consequence of an affair or an abusive relationship - they tend to be very isolating. And now, the shame can lead to further isolation even after the relationship has ended. There may well be people who love you and have been very concerned for your well being for a very long time. They have seen you withdraw, as you have chosen this relationship and isolated yourself. They have perhaps been waiting for the day that you would emerge from this relationship and they would be very interested in reconnecting and offering their support. Don’t assume that because you have lost the connection that you have lost your relationship with the people that love you the most. But the onus will be on you Jenn, to reach out and reconnect… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 7, 2023 Share Posted May 7, 2023 10 hours ago, Jenn28 said: when his wife knows all about me and he is constantly telling me they have no relationship as such, sleeping separately, days of silent treatment or days of screaming matches I genuinely thought there was no home for me to 'wreck'.. I'm dumbfounded as to why they both want to continue to live this way with or without me as a part of it.. Even if the above was true it sounds like their marriage is fueled by extreme passion where who knows, they both may be cheating, but they are attached to each other and don't want to give each other up. Personally, I think he's lying to you and she knows nothing about you and thinks her marriage is just fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jenn28 Posted May 7, 2023 Author Share Posted May 7, 2023 She knows, we've had conversations and exchanged txt messages about our 'situation'.. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 7, 2023 Share Posted May 7, 2023 13 minutes ago, Jenn28 said: She knows, we've had conversations and exchanged txt messages about our 'situation'.. So you're saying she actually confirmed to you what he told you about their marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jenn28 Posted May 7, 2023 Author Share Posted May 7, 2023 Yes, again and again.. And iv seen and heard it for myself! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 7, 2023 Share Posted May 7, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, Jenn28 said: Yes, again and again.. And iv seen and heard it for myself! And yet, he has still chosen to stay. Again, you made the mistake of thinking that because they were “unhappy” that he was yours to have - that was obviously not true. People chose to stay in unhappy and unhealthy relationships everyday for a variety of different reasons. Yours is not to ask why, but to be grateful that you are no longer involved in this drama! What a blessing, you are free to walk away and find someone who will love and chose you - wholeheartedly. Seriously, don’t waste any more time… get busy living your own life. Opportunity is yours if you have the courage to go and find it… Edited May 7, 2023 by BaileyB 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 8, 2023 Share Posted May 8, 2023 9 hours ago, Jenn28 said: Yes, again and again.. And iv seen and heard it for myself! And there is still obviously a lot you don't know about them. Otherwise, you wouldn't be so bewildered that they are together again. Only they truly know what goes on in their marriage. However toxic it might seem, they want to be with each other. You have been wasting your time for 8 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 8, 2023 Share Posted May 8, 2023 21 hours ago, Jenn28 said: Im absolutely not innocent in this and am well aware of my part, however when his wife knows all about me and he is constantly telling me they have no relationship as such, sleeping separately, days of silent treatment or days of screaming matches I genuinely thought there was no home for me to 'wreck'.. I'm dumbfounded as to why they both want to continue to live this way with or without me as a part of it.. married men lie - a LOT! He’s not who he pretended to be. And you deserve better. so I hope you’ll block him and never communicate with him again. you actually have no idea what has happened within their marriage - only what he wanted you to believe - by his lies. Link to post Share on other sites
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